OMG! A child shitting their pants at age 11 is a deal-breaker for me. I would confiscate the Roblox. Your SS is addicted. I don't care if he possibly has some sort of disability. His shitting himself being connected to Roblox indiates that it's his game addiction that causes him to crap his drawers rather than anything else, so if it were me, I'd go nuclear and take that damn machine and make the kid go cold turkey. To hell with what Mom says. I would tell her that I'm not living in a house with a tween who shits himself. No f ing way! That is beyond disgusting! I will not live in the smell of shit. 

Your SS' other problems that you describe may be due to his game addiction and not getting enough social interaction. It could also be due to over coddling. I suspect that your DW is a Disney mom given the fact that your SS is allowed to run around with burrito filling hands without washing. That kid is not being parented. If he has a disability he can still be taught to wash his damn hands, so if your DW pulls the "he's delayed" card, she's full of it. 

Has your SS been thoroughly evaluated? I would insist on that. Yeah, Mom isn't going to like it but how is it not OK for you to say anything about her precious poopsie but you have to live with a pants-shitting, filthy-handed kid? 

Honestly, if it were me, I'd go nuclear on my spouse and insist on: 1) losing that Roblox player (or whatever it is. I'm not technically savvy); 2) getting the kid evaluated properly and to plan the appropriate parenting and/or program for him; and, 3) marital counselling or being heard in my own home. That would be for starters. Your DW is not doing her kid any favours by allowing him to continue to be so backward, especially the pants-shitting. Honestly, one whiff of that and I'd go nuts. This isn't a little baby shitting his diaper. This is a tween crapping himself and stinking up the house. And you better believe he's not cleaning it all up properly. Since he doesn't seem to like to wash his hands or is required to, everything he touches puts feces on it. 

Time to take charge of your household. And no you are not a male chauvinist by doing so. You have every right as 50% of the marriage and 50% of the adult equation in your house to insist on some changes. 

How sad for him that his parents don't even care enough to get him some help. You know he's not going anywhere, right? He'll be 25, still living in his gross bedroom playing video games. Your wife and his father are neglected his developmental and mental health needs.

If you are turning to drugs to cope, it's time to consider leaving.

You don't mention her attitude.  That's a big missing piece.  She can't be blind to these issues.

Your step son almost certainly has a sensory processing disorder that is common in children with ADHD (assuming the initial diagnosis was in part correct). 

Occupational therapists can help with issues related to this. 

Sometimes you have to ask the question 3 to 5 times in the area of ‘special needs’ before you get an answer that will help you. 

Time to purge his life of Roblox.  His choice to crap his pants needs to also be a choice to never enjoy Roblox again.

Period. Dot.

Yikes, the kid needs to be in some kind of therapeutic environment.  Seems to me the whole family needs some serious counseling.  You for your addiction issues, mom for her PTSD.  The kid might have genetic issues you will never fix.  That's the reality.  

Where do I begin. SS is almost 10.5 anf I WISH someone told me I was walking into the worst relationship of my life. Never even wanted my own kids let alone someone else's. He is diagnosed with ADHD since 7.5. He has been defiant, oppositional, physically appgressive and harmful to himself since before the diagnois and worse the last 2.5 years. He has no common sense - can only be trusted to make a bowl of cereal for himself which is obsiously fristrating at 10.5 because who wants to keep making ALL meals and snacks at this age? ( I was cooking dinners for my own family at a younder age than this). He was obsessed with voilent video games by 5 and one day when told to turn it off he got so beligerently angry and nasty that he attempted to hit his 6'4" 350lb father whom he also got in his face and spit at him. Lets just say the viedo games have since gone away.

Since then I KNEW this kid had MAJOR mental and emotional issues. He has been diagnosed with social anxiety will be getting tested for pther psycological disorders and autism. He deff has ODD - oppositional defiant disorder and it is so infuriating that nobody sees because of how MANIPULATIVE he is which is funny becuase like I said he has no common sense and he for sure has a low IQ. He also has no idea how to interact but I mean on another level because he thinks he does and he thinks he sounds so intelligent and he sound the opposite. My husband and I look at at each other like what on earth is he talking about/what did he mean? He also has zero clue on how to interact with the dogs and they too are ALWAYS barking, growling & biting him. I am waiting for the day our one dog that truly hates him takes a finger off - he is not getting helped because he has been warned daily for 5 years. 

Now lets address the fact that he has the attitude of a teenager as per his therapist. He rolls his eyes, huffs and puffs, shrugs his shoulders, gives side eye, snaps back, doesnt respond etc all of it and he is 10.5. He also thinks its wise to be so angry these days that he pumps his little fists, pumps his chest, growls and snarls at us and twitches his face all like a literal crazy person. I am writing all of this while having a 1.5hr long argument/conversation with him as he is refusing to sit still /sleep until it is time to get up for the day. And every time he hears an instruction he become beligerently angry and annoyed and then adds something else that he shouldnt be doing. Then when given a consequense he gets even angrier bchow dare you but here is the fun part HE ONLY ACTS LIKE THIS AT HOME / WITH FAMILY. He is AN ANGEL at school. It makes me laugh bc in 2nd grade this terror had a phase where if something had a hood on it he HAD to wear it even if he was inside and it was 80 degrees. One day at dismissal his teacher asked him nicely 3 times to remove it as it was not time yet to leave and he did not need the hood or even the zipup he had on as it was hot out. Not only did he not listen but when she approached him to remove it he physically attacked her. He smacked her hands then threw himself on the floor where he proceeded to kick and scratch her bc HE WANTED TO WEAR HIS HOOD. He was suspended for 3 days, I told them they should expell him bc he will not learn he will just do this other places. SURE ENOUGH he acts perfect in school to the poin that he is 1 person there and the devil at home.

He also lies to lie all day long I am starting to think he is a pathological liar. Nothing that falls out of his mouth is the turth and he will create elaborate stories even for the most mundane things. He has been doing this since I met him, how a parent misses this is beyond me. A 5 year old should not want to be this defiant or want to tell bold face lies. You can show him video of him doing something as we have cameras or you can have him write down what he did or said and he will go and tell you something different 3 seconds later or even as he is doing it. He has no sympathy for lying and then just wants to reserve the right to get angry and mad when he gets a consewucne or gets something taken away for thr behavior. He does not think ahead EVER he has no clue how it is the most ridiculous thing ever being he is able to control ALL OF THIS NONSENSE  when in school from 710am - 330pm when they had full school befoe the pandemic.

I am at the end of my rope that less than a week ago I told my H to call a lawyer bc I want a divorce bc I can not do it anymore. His kid and my H's responses to me while parenting and ealing with his uncontrollable, unloveable and disrespectful child is too much. I have my own things to deal with and stress affects them so severely that it is amazing this crap hasnt killed me yet.

This child has had a school counselor as per an IEP for 3 years and it clearly has done nothing for him as he has done nothing but get angry and more mental over the years and it angers me that his BM has got to live her life not being around for almost 8 years and his father never thought to do ANYTHING with this kid until I came around and told him your child has developmental and neurological delays. How can someone from a family swimming in mental illness not get this kid checked out??? His school counselors are useless and he now has a licensed therapist outside that in less than 3 weeks of trt was on anxiety meds and was set up to have other tests done bc they see that he has major mental issues and delays. WTF HAS THIS NOT HAPPENED FOR NOW?

I FEEL YOU AND I AM SORRY THIS IS YOUR LIFE *help* *bye*

Bug,

I tend to take any Dx or claim of a "disorder" with a grain of salt.

IMHO most of this is just excuse based bullshit to justify crappy parenting.

Kids with legitimate issues should have help and support.  Ill behaved little turds who are the products of idiot parents.... meh.

Nope. they need to be disciplined and actually parented.

Even in this community there are periodic examples of a kid Dx'd with a "disorder" that upon a second professional opinion is found to be bullshit.

Be cautious IMHO.  Though as you describe your SS-5.... he defiantly has issues.

My 11 year old step son sounds so very similar!!!! He is so disgusting. He definitely has cognitive issues. He is extremely uncoordinated and can't finish a meal without getting it everywhere. He can't cut with a knife, he holds his spoon like a caveman and he gets food all over his face. It is not normal at all. He talks to himself. He dances all of the time and he can't walk in the house. He runs most of the time. If he does walk, it is literally like a penguin with his feet pontes outward. He is awkward socially and even after 4 years of being with his dad, he will say no more than 1 or 2 words to me in a day. He never washes his hands after then bathroom. He doesn't even flush sometimes. He pees all over the floor and the toilet seat. It's always a disgusting mess and I finally had to complain that the bathrooms need to be fully clean when I come over. I'm scared to touch the door handles in fear that he didn't wash his hands and the touched them. Ugh. 
 

I feel your pain and am at a loss too. Being around him is unbearable. he is the most negative, miserable, pessimistic kid I have ever met in my life and I can say that I actually hate him. He has shit energy and if I never saw him again, I would be more than happy.