Not sure how much more I can handle
I've posted here before but it's been about a year. I have a now 9 year old step daughter that I care for 24/7. She is also autistic, has FASD,growth deficiency and has a immune disorder that causes her to get sick about every 2 weeks. I have no problem helping care for her but I get no help from her parents including my husband. Last year I finally went out and got a part time job that I love but I've missed a lot of work due to my step daughter being sick and out of school. It is at the point I'm now being expected to quit my job and stay home again to care for her. I never agreed to this, I have 4 of my own children to care for that I need to support and I can't even take them for a bike ride, take them swimming ect because I am always stuck home caring for my step daughter. I was hoping to go back to college to get my bachelor's in social work but now that's being expected to be put on hold. I get no breaks no help nothing.her bio mom has taken her once in 4 years, her dad plays with her but does not care for her. I give her her meds her shots do her school meetings doctors appointments everything and I'm honestly sick of it. I love her dearly but she has 2 parents plenty capable of caring for that just don't want to. I feel she should placed in a home if that's the case. She needs assistance with EVERYTHING from eating to toileting. And it's all placed on me. I'm up at 6:30 every day to get her ready for school make sure she gets her meds and teeth brushed and what not. Her dad works out of state and again I wasn't even asked if I was OK with taking on this responsibility it was just placed on me. I feel selfish? But at the same time my own kids and my future are being pushed aside and I don't feel it's fair. I try talking with my husband about it and he just flips it on me and says I'm trying to get " get rid " of his kid which isn't the case. I'm ready to run away. There has been times I've packed up me n my kids and left but always come back because I don't trust him to get up with her and make sure she gets all her meds and so on. I feel guilty leaving her because I know she will be neglected but the cost it's having on me and my own kids is starting to be unbearable. Any advice please. I'm ready to loose it
Child protection is actually
Child protection is actually already involved. My husband has struggled with addiction a long time and I finally put my foot down and turned him in. Got him court ordered treatment and counseling and so on but it's doing no good. He's sober but still a selfish prick lol I have thought about discussing this with the worker on just afraid it will back fire
Your husband is a selfish
Your husband is a selfish prick, you're the primary caregiver for a disabled child whose biological parents are not willing to do that heavy lifting, and your own children and your dreams for the future are being compromised. What's in this relationship for you?
This little girl is not your responsibility. If you leave, either her parents will step up or social services will step in. It's not fair to you and yours to continue in this situation. What is the custody arrangement? You said that your husband works out of state; what is BM doing? Can your husband afford to bring in help to provide substantial assistance with his daughter? Would you want to stay in this relationship if you didn't have the burden of primary care for SD? (I'm not sure since you said your DH was a selfish prick). If so, then I think you tell your husband he needs to provide you with substantial help. If not, or if he doesn't provide sufficient assistance so that you can take care of your own children, further your education or otherwise pursue YOUR goals, then I think it's time to leave. You can't give up your life and your dreams because you're worried that this little girl will be neglected. Your priority should be your own children. She is not your responsibility.
I tried getting a home nurse
I tried getting a home nurse for her but there's a huge shortage in our area. Honestly I don't know if things would get better just because of how he carries himself and his out look on life. I've tried helping him but he views it as me trying to control him.the mom legally still has full custody.my husband's never gone for custody but bio mom is not involved calls on holidays and that's as far as it goes. SD has been with my husband for 5 years now
Girlfriend you need to put
Girlfriend you need to put your foot down.
I too, have an SS on the spectrum, but he is nothing close to what you are dealing with. I know it's hard to let go (take that from someone who is currently working full time, managing two kids (one of which is SS) and taking care of my FIL full time-it is SOOOO hard to let someone else do what you're so used to doing because you're worried they won't do it correctly or do it the right way. Here's what I've learned in the past month: I need help. I need to let go a little bit. I need to be okay with SO coming home, helping with dinner, the kids, his father and I NEED to be okay with things not being done the way I would necessarily do them.
Now, once you get over that little hump, the hurdle comes.
SD's parents need to re-engage with their daughter. You're "expected" to quit your job? HELL NO.
What would your DH do if you just said "no, I'm not doing that"? What would your DH do if you told him he was on SD duty at night? Is he going to just let her sit there, uncared for? Probably not. It's a test of will power. It won't be easy, it won't be fun, but as long as she isn't in imminent danger, use that little bit of latitude to make your statement.
Too often, people with open, loving and caring hearts get these huge responsibilities thrust upon them (or if your stupid like me, you volunteer) and then other people's responsibilities become solely yours. Let me be the 1st to tell you, this does not have to be the case. YOU teach people how to treat YOU. YOU deserve help. YOU deserve consideration-LOOK at all you're doing!!! FOR SOMEONE ELSE. There is not greater love than that. Don't let the one person who is supposed to be your partner in all of this forget that. She is HIS responsibility. If she needs care, he needs to take some time off too. If he can't for financial reasons then you need to negotiate that with him. But remind him, this is HIS responsibility that you've been carrying-it's time he pulls some weight.
Also please know that most states have state agencies that can offer in home residential habilitation to take some of this off your plate. Please look into that. In NY it's called the Office of People With Developmental Disabilities. If you need help with where to start, start looking there-each state has one it might just be called something different.
Godspeed mama.
Start
Start here:
https://mn.gov/dhs/people-we-serve/people-with-disabilities/services/hom...
Simple - tell your husband
Simple - tell your husband that you have enough to deal with without having to take care of his kid too, because that's HIS job.
When he flips it on your saying you're just trying to get rid of his kid, reply that NO, you just want HIM to act like the parent instead of forcing it on you. It`s not YOUR job to take care of her, it`s HIS, and that although you've helped so much so far, you need to do things for yourself too, and that since you want to go back to school, you need some time - and that HE needs to be the one taking care of her, NOT you.
You knew he had a child who would require constant care when you got into this, sure.... but you didn't expect that he would force his responsibilities on you. Give them back to him.