Been there, done that. My ss is 13 now-and I've known him since age 1. He was always a difficult child (he has adhd) but at around age 6 he just turned into an asshole towards me and my kids. That may sound harsh but there just is no other way to desribe it. He was constantly "bitching". I also used to refer to him as the "grumpy old man" as he was constantly irritable and unpleasant. Perhaps I could have dealt with all this if he hadnt been aggressive to my kids. My two youngest he used to choke, pinch, kick, push, and hit. He would scream at them daily, threaten them, plotted one of them's murder in detail and said he felt he was really going to go thru with it. He has purposely pushed his little sister off the trampoline (she was 6-he was 12) and then told her he'd do it again and everyone would beleive it was an accident because that's what he told us last time and we believed him (I overheard him saying it to her). He also used to scream at me every single day. All morning before school, when we got home from school and it was homework time, when it was shower time, and when it was bedtime. He would scream at me if I suggested he wear a jacket to school because it was chilly.

Needless to say, my ss13 no longer resides with us. He has been out of the house since Nine and 1/2. Lo and behold his bm kicked him out of her house this summer for alot of the same issues-aggression towards her and the younger kid in the house, defiance, oh and smoking weed and trying to grow it in her front yard. He has also been suspended multiple times from school. He now resides with my inlaws who think he is a peach evidently. It
truly boggles my mind how my inlaws can be so stupid? You would think they would notice that there is a common denominator in all of these situations with our home, bm's home, the school.

My inlaws coddle him and think he is a victim of the heaps of abuse I, bm, dh, my children have given him. As long as they coddle him hes fairly happy and compliant-of course it ensures that he will never be able to come back to our house. I dont think your problem is going to get fixed until your wife wakes up and sees a problem. The more you say there is a problem and the more she defends and coddles him the more this skid likes it. He gets to be an asshole to you and your son, gets rewarded for it with mommy's love, and gets to know that he caused the two of you to argue. What a total win for him. You need to do what you can to change this dynamic. Stop interacting at all with the kid. Dont give him opportunities to hit you. Dont allow your son to be alone in the room with him. If your wife asks whats up just tell her that you are just trying to ensure everyone's safety. Dont argue with her about him. Just leave it at that. If nothing else when you behave in a different manner it will shake up this whole dynamic and they will have to alter their behavior in some way.

Wow...I'm sorry!

My SD has issues also, but the solution lies with your DW...Seriously...if she's in la-la land with her kid's behavior, there's not much you can do other than disengage, and I'm not too sure how effective that will be with you being a man and your skid being a boy...

Your DW is wrong in her perception that ss is acting the way he does is because of you...That's not right...

Does she realize the kid has some issues and needs counseling? You all could benefit from it...IMO...

GL...

Call the cops next time he hits you or your son.

Then tell DW you're going to continue to call the police until she fixes the problem.

Being married to this kid's mother--or worse, being the kid's mother's stepson (your son)--does not make it okay for him to abuse you. If someone else would call the cops, you should too.

Yeah...I'd report it to some authority figure. If he's hurting your child, you should report it. I wouldn't hit him though. That could land YOU in a world of trouble. When your DW has to take him to juvenil court, she'll get the picture that she needs to teach him to keep his hands to himself.

The next time he hits yoi pop his little ass. How old is your son? If they're the same age, he should fight back. Have any nephews that like to rough house? If so, invite them over to play with your SS. When BM freaks, tell her it's male bonding time

I'm in a similar situation with my SD17. DW has always coddled SD and almost always sticks up for her. SD17 used to be very good at picking fights, and getting DW to side with her against me. It is **tremnedously** empowering for these skids when they get the bio-parent to side against the step-parent. I wish that I could have gotten a picture of the smirk on SD17's face the last time she managed this result - it makes me want to puke, thinking about it.

Your best bet is to disengage. It's like depriving a candle of oxygen - if you do not engage with the skid, he will not be able to pick fights or cause trouble.

I just found this board today that a friend recommended to me. My stepson is high functioning autistic and everyone babies him for everything. He hits me, he hits my kids (they hit him too) and is very non-compliant. He's 8 and my 2 boys are 9 and 6. I am so frustrated with this kid and his behaviors i'm ready to give up on this relationship. Dad 'talks to him' that's about all the punishment he ever gets. I don't CARE that he's autistic, he knows what's right and wrong and KNOWS hitting me is wrong. He tells me he doesn't have to listen to me. And, I guess he doesn't because his dad doesn't make him. I'm at my wits end and at a point where all I feel for this kid is RESENTMENT.......

I don't have to deal with hitting, fortunately. But I'm about at my wit's end too. My SS14 has actually said that he's been trying to split his mom and I up for years (we've been together 9). Even after that, the kid pushes me until I lose my temper, and she doesn't realize that it's intentional. He hangs up on me (using the cell phone I pay for), screams at me, questions everything I say (regardless of the significance, or the fact that I've never lied to him), and just generally treats me like s**t. Right up until he wants something. If he wants a new video game, I get buttered up to buy it, take him to GameStop, play it with him when no friends are around (ok. Playing V-games isn't so bad...). And video games are just one example. I feel like I'm doing everything, have to be the "bad guy" all the time, and can never get anything right. I'm taking enough meds to knock a horse over so that I can keep my temper and anxiety in check, not to mention the Ambien I have to take to sleep. He's the only common denominator for all of these problems, yet when I talk to my wife about it, I'm just "trying to be KING OF THE HOUSE", or I need to "choose my battles." So freakin frustrating! I hadn't heard of "disengaging" before I found this forum today, and it sounds like a ray of light straight from Heaven. And oh yeah, I get to start seeing a "shrink" next week for family counseling. Woohoo! One more person to tell me how wrong and F'd up I am.