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Adoption

ledzppln6's picture

Submitted by ledzppln6 on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 8:58pm

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Step/Bio Father's Den

Hello everyone,

This is my first post so I'd like to give a little background on my situation. I am married, and have a SD that is 3 and a BS that is 1. I've been married for two years, and have been with my wife since she was pregnant with my SD. The BF has never even met my SD even though he only lives about 15 minutes away, and we don't make him pay child support.

When my SD was born, my role was more of to just help out when needed. But as time went on, I found myself partaking in more parental activities such as feedings, changing diapers, getting up in the night. I had no problem with this because each time my wife expressed her appreciation for it, and made me feel like I was doing more than I had to.

Naturally as a year passed, I started to notice that helping out was gradually transitioning from something that was greatly appreciated, to almost expected...like I was helping pull my weight in the house hold. I guess it didn't bother me because me and my wife were still only engaged, and our main focus was on getting the wedding planned.

After we got married, my wife started mentioning about possibly having me adopt her BD as my own, but since we were just newlyweds I kind of brushed away the notion saying that now wasn't the time to worry about that. A year later we had our BS together, and I swear less than a month after he was born she started bringing up the adoption issue again. I think she just wants me to adopt the kid because of the whole last name issue, so it doesn't appear that the SD is on the outside of the family.

Now it's year 3 of me being in my SD's life, and I just don't know how to push aside the adoption issue anymore. I don't know how to express that I don't want to adopt my SD without it seeming like I don't want her to be part of the family or that I hate the kid (although I can get especially frustrated with the kid, I don't hate her).

My wife and I discuss almost everything, but this is the one thing that I've really hid from her because I just don't know how it will affect the relationship. My wife considers me to be her true dad, but I just don't want to take on the full legal burden of this child.

I guess my question is are there any SF's out there who are dealing or have dealt with the BM pushing the adoption issue?

I am confused's picture

Submitted by I am confused on Sun, 06/20/2010 - 8:55am

Boy I HATE to judge anyone, as I'm really not in a position to do so, but this whole thing bothers the hell out of me.

1. It shows a total lack of team spirit with the wife. She has your name, your Bio has your name, and then we have little SD who is going to grow up feeling alone and unwanted in the world and spend her time explaining that while you're her Dad, and she knows no other Dad, nobody wanted her as part of the family.

2. As if that weren't enough you're telling BM "you're okay, and our kid is okay, but that other "thing" isn't a Smith like the rest of us. That's just some tag-a-long you brought with you. I'm okay with feeding it and changing its diapers but it ain't one of us.

Man, I am not trying to come down on anyone and I am no person to judge anyone but I think the ONLY thing to do is wake up this morning, Father's Day, ask your wife if oyu can talk to her alone, and tell her YOU have a Father's Day gift for HER. You want to make it official and legal that you are SD's Father. You want to adopt her.

If you don't want to adopt SD you are (1) going to have HUGE problems with her and the name thing and her confusion FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, (2) going to constantly be at odds with the wife and will never truly be all one big team, and (3) going to end up fracturing your marriage and your kid's life. It will probably spill over onto your bio too.

Either leave now or get on the team man. I ALWAYS say this: There are only two teams: My team and the other team. You need to show her that you are a team.

And I'm sorry if I sound like a jerkoff. It may just be that it's Father's Day and I'm bitter...

ohxitsxapril's picture

Submitted by ohxitsxapril on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 11:32pm

i agree with blended and spunki on this one. what does the girl call you? do you think of her as your daughter or do you refer to her as your step daughter? (i guess you refer to her as your step daughter...) my friend had a child by another man, but he left after she was pregnant and then she met her current husband when the child was about 6 months old. the boy refers to him as dad and everything. I somewhat understand about the money thing, if you and her were to ever split you would be responsible for her. but i still think you should talk to your wife about how you feel and atleast get the real dad to pay child support.

KaylaS's picture

Submitted by KaylaS on Mon, 06/21/2010 - 5:34pm

Hopefully this wouldn't happen, but let me play devil's advocate... Say you went ahead with the legal adoption and 5 years from now your wife cheated on you - albeit with the ex. Then you get divorced. Wouldn't legally adopting your SD mean you could then be held liable for child support? Just a worst case scenario -- forgive me for even going there, but I thought it and typed it. Really just curious how this would work from a legal standpoint. I'm SORRY!

Gia's picture

Submitted by Gia on Mon, 06/21/2010 - 5:47pm

This posting is actually a touching subject. I got pregnant with the child of a man that was never there for me during my pregnancy, delivery or first months of the baby. He has seen my son (now 2.5) about 5 times (5 days in a row) of his life. He lives in another country so seeking Child support is a complicated issue.

My husband actually met my son when he was 1 week old, he was the first man that ever carried my son. We got married when my son was 7 months old, and he considers him his son.

When we talk about adoption, he claims he wants to do so but never really puts the resources into it. As if it is not "that" important that my son has a last name (mine) different from him, from me (with my married name) and SD. It bothers me, especially when SD6 asks about his last name and makes it seem as if he is not part of the "X family"...

I don't want to force my husband to adopt him, that's why I don't touch the subject very often, but when I do, he doesn't have much to say. I wonder if he does not want to adopt him, I'm sure that if for example that was a child that he had with a woman and then found out about it, he would try to give him his last name.

I don't know what you have been saying to your wife, but my husband does consider and treat my son as his own. Maybe you have given your wife false hopes.