Hopefully it works out that you can adopt them! I will say, that my mother left us when I was 5, with only 2 very half-assed attempts to be in my sisters and my life since (I’m 42 now). The feeling of abandonment doesn’t leave you. My sister especially struggled with it, with several suicide attempts in her 20’s and 30’s. I’m well-adjusted, but it never leaves you and that fear of abandonment is always there for me in almost any relationship. I totally get the worry of heartbreak for skids- but I do hope you encourage a relationship as much as possible. Not because their dad is good for them, but because abandonment is worse for them. I’m sure that will be tough to do, but all you can do is be there for them if things go south. It sounds like they are lucky to have you!

Well, first off, your son IS blood to your stepkids, he's their mother's son as well, so their half-brother.

It's hard to have to give up the "dad" role but let them try to sort that out.  If the bio dad stays consistent that's good for them, they then can have two father figures.  As step-girlfriend said, being abandoned by a parent is hard on a kid, and even a loving stepparent can't make up for that.

This is one of those times that being a SP sucks because you can put ALL your energy into being a good parent and then be "demoted" when the BP returns.

As tog said, this is something the kids have to sort out. Even if you adopt them, that doesn't change the fact that he is biologically linked to them. There may come a point where they want to try and have a relationship with them, even if adopted by you.

I very much don't advocate for SPs adoptings their SKs unless the SKs ask for it, the family has had some counseling to discuss what that means, and the other parent is on board with giving up their rights. I don't think it always works out well if a SP pushes to be "the new parent", especially if the BP is still in contact with the kids and the kids don't ask. It sets you, as the SP, up to be the bad guy who tried to cut the BP out of their life - even IF it is what is best for them.

Your wife and her ex are the ones who will break the kids' hearts. For better or worse, this is the man she chose to have children with, and part of that fallout falls on her. She doesn't get to replace their father just because she met someone better. That's not how this works. She needs to work with her kids through this, and not in a way where they trash their father (even if he is trash). The kids have to decide what he means to them; that is the little power and control they have in their life.

ETA: Ultimately what is best is for him to right his ways and do good by his kids. Everyone needs to give him a chance to do that, even if it seems unfair.

If he’s been in prison for the past couple years 99% of courts will allow him to retain his parental rights and start with supervised visits. There’s next to nothing you can do about it. In the courts eyes the children have a dad and contrary to what you want it’s not you. The fact that dad had to go through the kids grandparents to speak to his children isn’t going to make you guys look good since you’ve had years to attempt to terminate his rights and decided not to till now.

However that doesn’t mean anything about your home has to change.  It’s 6 months till he gets out and at least 6 months to a few years before he gets anything more than supervised visits.

As for being worried they will be hurt? Do anything to actively keep their dad away from them and you are hurting this. Of course I’m not saying don’t go to court and protect them but if dad is doing what he’s supposed to and want’s to exercise his rights then for their sake he should be allowed. No matter how bad you want to be you are not their biological father and children do better when ALL parents are involved in their lives.

Them without there Bio father giving up his rights. Or not showing up in court. If BF fights the adoption, you will lose.  If BF wants to see them, that his right, Also has to pay CS. Kids are already involved with his parents, he going to see them if he wants. Nothing you can do about it. Except make him all the picks up and returns. And have a set schudal and make him stick to it. 

It does really suck, we know how you feel.  He does nothing but still has rights,  The right to screw up his kids, and you are the one who has to live with the effects

What do you mean by:

I'm really hoping that he doesnt put up a fight, but if he does, I plan on taking it all the way.

I really feel for you as you have been the only dad these kids have known for a number of years, but it does not give you or - your wife - the right to exclude the children's biological father from their lives.
It may seem great to you and your wife to re-write history, but what about consideration for the children?
Are you sure this is what is best for them?

The children's biological father may have bad past, it doesn't change the fact that he is their father.
Your wife chose that man to father her children.
She does not get to undo it, because you are a better match for her.
Morally, to me, I have a question around how much better you really are, with a statement that may mean you have decided to take away the rights of someone else.
For which valid reasons?
Your post doesn't say other than him being an absent father.

If the courts decide he is an unfit parent, his rights may be terminated.
Being in jail gives me no idea as to what kind of parent he will be when he gets out.
He may be reformed, he may be rotten, even worse than before he was first incarcerated.
He may be the worst person to have your skids around.
Do you have any idea of his behaviour whilst he was in jail?

You are really deluding yourself if you think you can play happy families by excluding the children's father.
With time they may look him up or blame you and your wife for denying them a relationship with him.
Please tread carefully.
Do not do anything to antagonise the father, where you start out by creating a bad relationship with him.
It can backfire on you and make him oppose any attempts you have to adopt the children.
Please don't rock the boat at the outset because it is going to be a mistake.
Yes, it sucks, but these are his children and not yours.

Yeah I wouldnt count on the communication lasting...my ODS dad has only contacted my son when he is in jail/prison and writes letters then and always includes in them how hes changing his life blah blah...and then he goes straight back to how he was as soon as he gets out and hasn't once actually set up visitation. Willing to bet BD there wouldnt either if he didnt gave gma facilitating it. It's pretty obvious from the contents of his letters that he is doesnt really care about my son and he is just looking for someone to worship him and care about his grand life adventures he thinks he is living with his lifestyle. So I can see where your concern is coming from if you have a similar situation.

Everyone saying that he still has rights and is BD is right BUT if he does go a significant period of time without seeing them or providing child support (one year in my state I believe) he has legally abandoned them and you can file to have his rights taken and adopt. Unfortunately, despite popular belief, not all parents truly love their children and no it is not always best to have them involved. Social services will tell you that, but the courts tend to assume otherwise. And in most cases it is best for both parents to be involved. The prison population has a much higher rate of personality disorders than the general population though so I don't doubt in your case that BD is not the type of person cut out to be a parent.

However, in all likelihood you won't find it easy to adopt if the BioDad does not readily agree to it.  The odds of finding a Judge with enough testicular fortitude to grant an adoption while BioDad, regardless of how reprehensible he may be, fights is slim and none.

No kid should be forced into the presence of, or to have a relationship with a criminal. Even if that criminal is their parent.  IMHO of  course.  I do not see your desire to adopt as a denial of BioDad's rights. I see it as you protecting your children. But that may just be me.

You may not have a genetic relationship other than as the father of their youngest sib but the fact is that you and only you are their father, Dad, confidant, advocate, disciplinarian and viable male role model. That other guy is just a  sperm donor and not a particularly appealing one at that.

CS is a huge stick to motivate adoption approval from the blended family opposition.  One we never played but we did hold it as a control mechanism to keep the SpermClan under control during the 16+ years we lived under a CO.  We could have changed venue to TX any time after SS had been resident in TX for 6mos. That would have raised CS by ~$1000/mo.  We never did it for two reasons.  First, it would have also more than doubled visitation time for the SpermClan and second ... we did not need the money.  The stick was more important to us than the money.

If she does not already have one, I suggest that  your DW get a CS order in place and get it in place before BioDad gets out of prison.  She can use it as leverage if necessary.

We discussed adoption a few times while SS-26 was a minor.  The SpermClan took extreme exception to the proposal.  I would have too if I was them.  So we did not force the issue.  While I did not adopt  him as a minor, he did ask me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen. 

Be measured in how you proceed with the adoption push.  Just be dad.  I was... and ultimately it is my name on his birth certificate and it is our family name on his USAF uniform.

DW and I met when SS-26 was 15mos old.  So our journey began at about the same time as yours did as far as Skid ages are concerned.

Good luck.

Sir please consider this. I get it, you wrote that you have become a dad figure for your wife and her ex's bio children. BUT putting all lovely; wonderful; feelings and actions on your behalf aside----A fact that maybe you have not considered is.

IF dad terminates his parental rights and/or IF the court terminates his rights (doubtful) and you legally adopt their children, YOU will be 100percent on the hook for child support thru the age of majority in kids state AND possibly college expenses, AND God forbid one of the kids becomes disabled car accident, medical illness,  mental heatl issue .

lots of kids disabled for mental illness. Have you noticed? A lot of  that going around don't you think and few people are paying attention to. They should especially dads. Anyway,

...YOU can be on the hook for life time child support.

Let that sink in for a little....."YOUR" Life long child support or at the least,  child support for dudes and your ex's kids IF 2, 3, 4 years, from now your wife OR you divorce.

i know, i know,,,you and your wife will never get divorced. wont happen. You dont believe in divorce... None of us ever thought we would be divorced but it does happen.

The 'States interest' is only 'who' will $$$$$$ care for the child.  You can do just that without putting yourself at risk.

You can provide for them in many ways in addition to what your doing. Small life insurance policy, small bank account. You can control that narrative.

Adoption of minor children is something you can not change.

IF you must adopt, wait until the kids are 18 years old.

Quick share:  Friends of ours have an adult daughter. She was married and had 2 kids. She divorced. She hooked up with a solider, nice guy. WELL, the last time i saw her she was saying her ex  is a deadbeat, went to jail for many months, he doesnt see the kids. You know the story...HER plan is to have GI adopt her two kids asap. At 'least the kids will be set up'

 Oh and by the way she was expecting her third from GI so they were getting married.

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DONT be foolish, be smart. Women have been 'daddy' shopping for hundreds if not thousands of years. My gender is not always on the up and up with guys...sorry but it is true.

Your situation is not about Foster kids, or a widow or a husband and wife who can not have bio kids of their own. Your wifes kids have a bio dad...regardless of what or whom he is he will always be bio dad. He may not be a daddy like you are. BUTTTTT

I wonder what your wife would say IF you told her you wanted to keep status quo, love her kids, help support her kids $$... but not legally adopt them.

Best wishes moving forward.....remember take care of your future.

(sorry so long. I have seen situations just like yours turn out awful for the men.)

My bio was in prision when my stepdad adopted me. It was the greatest gift of my life.  I was always safe, loved and wanted. Stories like this make me so happy.

You are the dad. I wish you the best.

As much as society and many people want to claim to the contrary... biology is not worth a crap in parenting. Parenting is a process of choice, intellect, character and commitment.  Fortuneatly most BioParents do it right.  Sadly, far too many have no business breeding in the first place.  That is where being a REAL parent comes in.  And being a REAL parent has absolutely zero to do with biology.  A parent is an example, a mentor, an advocate and a disciplinarian.  None of that requires biology.

I am a non-breeding father.  I was a StepFather to my son (former SS-26) for 20 years.  I was also his Dad.  The only one he has ever really had as his SpermIdiot is a waste of skin of monumental proportions, devoid of character, a criminal, and useless.  No child should have to have anything to do with him including his 4 all out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas.  The two eldest would rather piss on his leg than look at him.  The youngest two.... worship him and are delivering on the SpermIdiot's goal of being a Crip or Blood ganbanger.  The SpermIdiot is a Opie Cunningham looking Cracker.  His two youngest are bi-racial and sadly can join gangs that only used to laugh at and beat the shit out of their idiot SpermDonor.  They are making their SpermIdiot proud.

Just as I have been, you are your SKids' father, you are their Daddy, their Dad and the only REAL father they have and far more likely than not... will ever have.

Be proud of that.  Keep up the great work.

I became Daddy to my SS shortly after his mom and I met and started dating when he was 15mos old.  I was the first person he ever called "Dad(dy)".  His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo.  He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo.  We made that  happen.

REAL fathers protect their children.  If that means having to go to war in court to protect your kids from their toxic criminal BioDonor Male then that is what a REAL father does.  Just be prepared for a long, expensive, heartbreaking process that is far from a sure thing regarding the outcome.

Far too many people forget that parenting is about the children.  That is something that you are clearly in touch with.

Good luck.

OP, don't alienate this bio father from his kids, just because you want to be their father.  If he drops out of the picture, then fine, you can still be dad. But forcing him out of the picture via court is parental alienation. Don't be fooled that you are doing the right thing for a kid by cutting his bio father out of his life.

Let the kid make that decision.

IMHO one of the primary responsibilities of parenting is protecting children.  There is a reason why children do not get to make decisions as an adult until they are 18.  Untill then they express opinions but adults/parents make the decisions.

I have a number or friends who are adopted.  None of them have any interest in knowing their birth parent(s).  They have great parents, they are in great families, and they have no need to know the whats and why's of their conception and the path that occurred before they were born.