Do BDads ever give up?
I have to ask if or what makes a bio Dad give up on a relationship with his Kids. My DH has 4 children , 2 girls and 2 boys. The boys are great, they come see their Dad and really love him. The girls, ages 17 and 16 will ignore their father. Last night was senior night at the girls religious school, so DH takes his girls flowers, nothing, not a Thank you. He waits after the ceremony to talk with his girls (this is BM 's week) and only one girl comes through the lobby, the youngest. Speaks with her Dad for a minute. She is carrying all her senior gifts, except for the flowers from DH. The older girl never comes out to speak to him. This has been going on for 2 years now. He is Disney land Dad. Takes them out to eat a lot, movies and game centers every week that they are with us. Still nothing, they are cold to him.
It hurts me to watch him suffer so much. I know he loves them, but how much can one man take? He pays thousands of dollars for them to go to that school and more $$$ for all the sports and sport camps they attend.
My kids are nicer to him then his own kids. My daughter gives him birthday gifts and Father's Day gifts, nothing from his. Not even a Happy Birthday Dad. Where do you draw the line?
I know my kids are not his or
I know my kids are not his or ever take the place of his. My kids are the same age as his and they know he is not their father. Mine were raised to say "please and Thank you" and treat people with respect. This is a tough situation for everybody. Not just his girls!
It depends on the man, and on
It depends on the man, and on the skids.
We have a member whose DH has been iced by his teen kids for years. When they still did weekend visitation, they would stay in their rooms. Now, they refuse to see him and he's crawled into a liquor bottle but won't give up.
Then there are fathers who tell their alienated kids that they'll always love them and step back, hopeful that one day the kid will want a relationship.
I think it's a mistake to ever accept mistreatment from a child, even when they're being manipulated. It's possible to detach with love, and chasing after a child only empowers them to push the boundaries even further.
Ideally, your DH should get some counselling, love on his boys, and let his daughters go until THEY come to HIM.
That's what I think. Yes i
That's what I think. Yes i think DH needs counseling . I worry that after graduation this May 2017, the girls will no longer speak to him and he will fall into a depression. Those girls have to much power over their father. The more he pushes the nastier they become. I keep most comments to myself. I have stopped trying with his girls, they are not my problem.. but it becomes my problem when DH gets hurt, then angry . The rest of us suffer, his girls just got back to BM.
My OSD did this kind of stuff
My OSD did this kind of stuff to her dad all the time. She was outright rude and mean to him at times, in fact. She quit coming over the second she turned 18, even though DH fought it tooth and nail. I tried to convince him to just let her go for a while...until she was ready to behave like a civilized human...but he was just panicked and heartbroken, I think.
I still remember Father's Day...about 6 months after she turned 18. We saw very little of her, but I was still trying on DH's behalf...so I texted her to invite her to Father's Day dinner with us at this fancy restaurant. She said sure...she'd meet us there. I didn't tell my DH bc I thought it would be a cool surprise...but one of the other two let it slip. Immediately, he lit up like a puppy: "OSD is coming?!?! Let's go!" It was kind of pathetic. At dinner, she sulked the whole time, made her younger sister (14 at the time) cry by mocking her relentlessly, and handed DH a "card" she had printed off the computer on regular computer paper and said: "Mom said I had to make you something."
I was completely livid. I spent almost $200 on lunch for five people and she ruined it for everyone. After that, I gave up completely and quit inviting her to anything. DH agreed to back off after he bought her nice gifts and took her to a fancy dinner for her 19th birthday (I refused to go...said he got to see her so little that they needed alone time). He came home in tears...repeated some of the things she said to him...like he's a fraud...and the other two kids think so too and make fun of us at their mom's...they just fake it for us bc they like the stuff...we're like a big joke/punch line over there for the whole family, etc. That's when he finally agreed that he would have a relationship with her only if she pursued it and went cold turkey on his own daughter.
6 months after that...she did pursue it. She's about to be 20 now, and she has gotten pretty close to her dad over the past few months. She comes over for dinner sometimes and helps clear her place. She says thank you...which still shocks me when I hear it...maybe I'll get used to it soon. But the point is...none of this happened until DH backed off and let her figure out what kind of relationship she wanted to have.
Takes them out to eat a lot,
Takes them out to eat a lot, movies and game centers every week that they are with us. Still nothing, they are cold to him.
He has allowed and fostered a financial relationship with these girls. By paying for everything and constantly entertaining them, their relationship has become a one way street.
My husband has a daughter that I rarely refer to here, as she has been estranged from him for years. He tried very hard to have a relationship with her but she was only interested if he would buy her things. He refused to cater to her, therefore she stopped talking to him.
His other daughter, my SD25, does have a relationship with him, even though he never spoiled her financially. She loves him and I don't believe his older daughter does, in fact, she usually called him by his name and mentioned that she didn't even think that he was her father.
She really, really hurt him over the years and he came to terms with her not being in his life quite awhile ago. Buying her love was not something he was interested in.
I don't know if they ever
I don't know if they ever give up totally. I understand that to a point.
My SS's are horribly rude to DH. They want nothing to do with him until they need money.
They used to at least suck up a little and spend time with him before they hit him up for cash, now they just demand it.
DH is slowly getting better at saying NO but has his weak moments.
I don't think I ever want him to give up on them, but maybe just come to terms with the reality and back away and let them
come to him after they have grown up and HOPEFULLY realize how nasty they have been to him.
DH has opened his eyes to the facts that they only contact him when they want something...and he is becoming numb to it.
If he would just stick to his guns and not cave on occasion, it would maybe get better.
They live with us one week on
They live with us one week on and one week off.
Your right, his problem. It's only mine because we live in my house, and his kids have no respect for anyone or anything . They knock pictures off the walls, flood the bathroom after spending an hour each in there. Becomes my problem when my kids can't use the bathroom because his girls are. But I will plan activities for me and my kids outside the house when his kids are there and see if that helps with the stress. Let DH cook and clean up after his girls. I have no right to complain about his girls behavior, HIS PROBLEM!
Everyone is different. Some
Everyone is different. Some people learn faster than others that their relationships have been one-way streets. At which time they may "drop the rope."
The"family" court system and divorce industry certainly doesn't foster the biodad/child relationship. It actually encourages BM PAS.
My SDs never even make him a
My SDs never even make him a birthday or Father's Day card..even when I ask them to! Jeez just get a pen and paper! For a gift just give your time! That's all he wants. Same thing on Xmas but boy do they tell us what they want for their birthdays...always expensive and always 10 months out...same with Christmas. They even had the gall to whine and say they should get a special day! I want to just slap them every single day.
I wish I knew why anyone..
I wish I knew why anyone.. including parents... tolerates toxic behavior from others including their own spawn. I would not. Daddy has the perfect leverage... his check book.. The SDs behave appropriately or the gravy train dries up. No more private school tuition, no more sports money, CS and CS only. Since the SSs behave reasonably and appreciatively then the boys should receive the benefit of their appropriate behaviors and the girls should suffer the consequences for their inappropriate behavior.
Rewarding this kind of behavior by continuing to reward those perpetrating the inappropriate behavior is just stupid. Regardless of the bio relationship involved.
Your children behave decently because you raised them with standards that your DH and his X are too stupid to recognize and demand of their own children. Your parents won the mom lottery. Your Skids... not so much as far as the dad lottery is concerned.
If your DH will not have the stones to demand appropriate behavior from his daughters that is his issue and sadly you likely will not be able to fix it.
IMHO of course.
Thank you
Thank you