I DISPISE MY GIRLFRIENDS SON WITH A PASSION!!!
5 years of built up anger and l don't really know what to do anymore because the thoughts l've had would see me to prison if l acted them out.
I met my girlfriend 6 years ago on the school run and we became friends. I was married at the time with 2 children of my own but the marriage hadn't been good for a long time and the more l got to know this new friend, the more l knew l was wasting time with my ex. My girlfriend has 2 children also. We grew fond of each other, and after a year got together properly. I'm sinced divorced and see my children every other week.
My girlfriend's children were 3 and 6 at the time we met and we'd go to the park after school with our kids, they all played nicely together. My kids are the same age as hers.
Her youngest son (3 when we met) l always had a soft spot for and 6 years on (he has just turned 9) l don't really have any issues with. He can be a bit cocky, but overall, we have a good relationship. He has grown up with me and respects me, says he loves me and l can co parent him as a step dad. He is only different when he is with his older brother.
He's older brother is almost 12 and ever since l met my girlfriend, he has been the bane of my life. I am a nice guy, friendly, generous and caring, but l absolutely dispice this child. Just him being around or hearing his voice makes my skin crawl and ties my belly up in knots. He is the most arrogant, obnoxious, rude, disrespectful and annoying person l've ever had the displeasure of knowing. He was a bit spoilt before his brother was born, and has always thought he is something special. Still does.
I've always said that if me and my girlfriend ever split up it will be because of him and we've had many rows over him.
To put my feelings into perspective, as soon as l hear him get up in the morning, l get anxious, irritable and tense, and can't look at him, talk to him or want to be in the same room as him. I often have thoughts of hurting him and if he went away and l never saw him again, l wouldn't so much as bat an eyelid.
They go to their dads every Wednesday and every other weekend and l simply cannot wait, and dread them coming back home because as soon as they walk through the door, literally seconds and l see or hear him, l start getting angry. He gets a kick out of winding people up, and antagonises me on a daily basis. Even his mum is at the end of her tether and l just can't support her because l hate him so much. He can be yelled at and just think everything is funny and the one thing that riles me is he smirks all the time! When l see that stupid smirk on his face l want to grab him and beat him. Obviously l can't, which angers me even more. Everything he is told goes straight in one ear and out the other and every day is like groundhog day, like his brain is reset every morning. Nothing sinks in. He can't do menial tasks without making a mess, he is noisy, he can't even brush his teeth without making this awful spitting noise. Every single thing he does or says makes my blood boil! He can't shut a door quietly, he drops the toilet seat down, he eats like a 2 year old, and we tell him every day, over and over and over again and it just does not go in. The way he talks is just smothered in pure arrogance and l hate the way he talks to his mum. He points out everything everyone else is doing wrong yet does it all himself. He winds his younger brother up for kicks(when he's bored) and when he's told, his stupid response is "what did l do"! When he is not around, the dynamics are so different and the house is calmer, no one shouts or argues and his younger brother is so so different when he isn't there. The younger brother is more intelligent and has much more common sense, gets himself up in the morning, is a nice boy. The 'devil' child has no common sense, can't remember something he was told 5 minutes ago, and literally is a high maintenance, arrogant idiot. He just can't do anything for himself and l'm certain he would hold his breath if you didn't tell him to breathe out!
I could go on and on, but unless you had the boy for a day, you can't know my true feelings. Even family members have said he's hard work, needy and high maintenance. He started secondary school this year and just thinks everything is a joke and takes nothing seriously. It frustrates the hell out of me and his mum and l feel so sorry for her because l'd be embarrassed if that was my son. My kids aren't angels but they are not hard work like him, they are nice, polite, respectful. I wouldn't wish him upon anyone.
It has caused a strain on our relationship and l so wish he would go and live with his dad because when it's just us and the younger brother, it's fine. Even his dad can't deal with his stroppy, arrogant attitude. Mum says it's hormones, but l'm sorry, l don't go for that, because he has been like this ever since l've known him and is worse and more irritating than ever. I've never liked him and never will do. I will never have any relationship with him and have absolutely no feelings at all for him and l can honestly hand on heart say that. He reminds me of Ian Beale from Eastenders. A smirky, arrogant, snake weasel that just winds people up without trying and l can see him turning out that way as an adult and l hope he finds out the hard way.
I love my girlfriend but he just always seems to cause a rift and l just don't want him here anymore. What do l do? Grin and bear it? I know l won't change my feelings towards him but he should move out in a few years anyway. If it wasn't for the fact he goes to his dads l think l would go insane!!!
Sounds like an unlikable child
I agree, he doesnt sound very likeable. Is it actual acts, or just his attitude? If it's actual acts, your wife should step up the discipline, expectations and consistent consequences. If it's attitude, I'm not sure what can be done.
How does he do in school? Does he have friends? Pets? Hobbies?
He has friends yes. We have a
He has friends yes. We have a cat which he loves. School, he seems to be doing well yes, but at home he's just hard work, and walks around as if he owns the place.
His mum does discipline him and has told him time and time again about his attitude and that he needs to grow up and stop thinking he is special as well as trying to support him. I think she has the patience of a saint with him. Me? I've had 5 years of it and don't want to know anymore. I've tried with him but his arrogance has finally done it for me. His younger brother does it so why can't he? He doesn't have any learning disabilities, but he just simply cannot seem to obtain what he's told. Every day is the same thing. He can't even get himself ready for school even though the routine is exactly the same each morning.
Also he talks random rubbish and constantly trying to tell us fact he's seen on youtube yet can't remember to put his deodorant on in the morning. His mum will go through the questions, have you done this, have you done that. I say stop doing everything for him. He's just an idiot and enjoys acting like one.
Disengage
Read the section on disengagement. Many of us have found it as our last resort. It sounds like he is functioning (attending school, having friends, loving a pet), thats the mist important thing. I feel for you. Everybody has an a**hole or two in their extended family, and you have one there. Maybe some of the others here will have ideas.
Some kids are generally
Some kids are generally unlikeable. Idk what to tell you, except of course you can't physically hurt him or verbally abuse him. I personally do the "gray rock" approach. Do not ever let him see that he elicits an emotion from you. Make a list of his behaviors that bother you and talk to his mom about rules and consequences to address them. No empty threats. If the consequence is no electronics for x amount of time, calmly take them and stick to it. Be very specific with the behaviors. I would suggest consequences involving electronics and maybe dessert/sweets at that age. If he does well for a week, reward him with something he likes (dinner from a place he likes maybe) and make sure he knows it's because of good behavior. That's all i've got. Specifically, though, don't let him know he upsets you. If he really is as unlikeable of a little sh!t as you say, he probably takes pleasure in annoying people.
This kid is not leaving. So
Disengagement, Disengage from him. You have to get your DW to sit on him.
unfortunately, you are blowing up DW picture of a big happy family So you are going to get blow back
You say your wife disciplines
You say your wife disciplines, but then you say she excuses his attitude as "hormones". So does she really give consequences for him being rude and disrespectful to the two of you?
I'm in the child mental health field, and when we see kids who do pretty well in school behaviorally but terrible at home, it's usually an issue with the family and how the child is parented. If he doesn't show that disrespectful arrogance at school, then that means he knows how to behave properly when he's worried about consequences. Sounds to me like your DW needs to up her parenting and stop letting this kid act this way at home with no consequences.
Kids have different personalities, and he sounds like a much more forceful person than his brother, but he needs the adults to set limits on him.
That was my son it started at
That was my son it started at age 6. I was able to nip it in the bud at home, but had no control when he was with other adults or school. After trying many things, I found an old school Judo instructor, hard as nails, very strict. Because that's what my son needed to learn self control and discipline. Not to be coddled and disciplined when he was out of line. The old school way, you did that wrong. Do it again, and again until you get it right. Oh your fooling around, give me 25 push ups. My favorite was my son loved to interrupt adults and argue. He tried that with Sensei and he got in my son's face and said " I speak, you listen". I also got him into wrestling, same thing if he fooled around or tried to be a clown the coach put him right in his place. Plus his peers also would knock him in his place, which is what he needed.
Similar Issue with SD
Hello,
I feel the same way and can relate to these stories and issues. I recently moved in with my fiance, she has a 17 year old spoiled , selfish, rude, obnoxious and not appreciative of anything.
I hesitated moving in to their home because of her. I now have moved my 15 year old into the home, and she stays in her room a lot to avoid SD. I am already thinking about how to get out of this. I don't want to be her SD for the rest of my life. When I bring up something fun to do, she shuns it all down and interrupts my fiance when we are talking and just sits and stars at us, she has Zero personal skills and talks poorly about everyone she comes in contact with. Will this ever change? am i stuck dealing with this little crap? I was thinking it would get better the further we lived there, but i go and hide in another room when she stomps in the door.
I felt like you were talking about my situation to the tee.
I am going through similar situation. So draining
Seek support
To me, it sounds like you may benefit from some counselling support to help you vent your thoughts & feelings in a safe place. You can then learn techniques for dealing with the boy, yourself, your girlfriend. It's not sustainable or safe to continue in the way you are. The boy will only get bigger, stronger, taller, more verbose, push your buttons more & more & it could become risky to your or his safety if you harbour this much hate towards him. It sounds to be something you cannot solve on your own. Stepkuds can be hard, there's no denying that and you need to maintain your sanity & composure for everyone's benefit.
The kid may need some mental health support too.
Then leave?
This sounds absolutely terrible, as you are not married and already got out of a marriage, why are you staying in this relationship?
My advice would be to check with your girlfriend and how she feels about your children. Going from experience I found that because my ex girlfriend had issues (agreeable issues) with my children, she then wasn't prepared to listen to mine.
You don't say you have kids together. Can't you just leave as that's probably not a nice environment, including the children, to be in.
Have you ever considered that
Have you ever considered that one of the people more deserving of your ire is your GF? After all, she is at least half responsible for creating your irritating SS-12 through her parental failures.
Something else, you are at least austensibly, supposed to be an adult and yet this 12yo plays you like you are a blithering idiot.
Time to look deep inside yourself and make some changes in how to be an adult, taking control of this whole shit show away from the 12yo and start adulting effectively.
Countless blended adult relationships are full of this kind of crap where the mate is far from being as wonderful as the self delusional new partner is convinced and the new partner for some reason either is incapable of recognizing or willfully delusional to the problem being their own partner and in many cases themselves.
So, what are you gonna do differently?
Good luck.
In my opinion, once you reach
In my opinion, once you reach a level of hate for someone, whether it be a child or an adult...there's no coming back from it
I hate my now ex's kid with a passion and I knew once I felt that way I couldn't do anything to save my relationship
Just leave. You're not married and you don't have any kids together. Why chose to stay around someone who's child's very voice creates a possibility of ending up in jail (not judging because I get it)
That's just no way to live. You may love your gf but if you hate a part of her there's nothing you can do but take off if you want to be happy. I honestly think you'd be relieved if you chose to leave. You'd never have to see the little brat again and that would truimph any sad feelings you would have about missing your gf....that's how I feel about leaving.
**In my opinion, once you reach a level of hate for someone, whether it be a child or an adult...there's no coming back from it**
^^^Absolutely!!!!
I want to pick your brain a bit... so what if you do have 2 kids together and cannot stand his 1? Not married. Opinion?
From my experience with my
From my experience with my now ex's son, there is no outrunning, avoiding, ignoring your partner's child or any negative feeling you may have for the kid. Kids will always be up front and center and your relationship with their parent and everything else will fall by the wayside because of that.
If you don't like the child but are trying to have a relationship with the parent, it's almost like building a house on stormy shoreline. Yes, you can have the house (for a time at least) but you're going to constantly get pounded by waves and awful weather the entire time so...do you even really want the house? Is it even worth it?
I know I really, really tried to make it worth it. I tried to convince myself that I didn't hate his son and that I was just adjusting but the feelings of hate I had just got stronger and stronger and I really started to suffer. Feeling anxious and angry alllll the time when he was here. Couldn't stand his voice or the way he jumped around. I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. Just wasn't worth it because I want to be happy!
But if you have a child with your partner walking away is much more difficult. Is it a matter of poor parenting or do you just not like the kid aside from any other mendable issues? If it's the latter (which is was for me). There's not much you can do. We feel the way we do for whatever reason and unfortunetly it's difficult to change the way we feel once we reach an extreme.
I've put the axe to his
I've put the axe to his daughter coming into the home 2 weeks ago when she here. Said she was not allowed at my house anymore. Gave him 30 days to figure his stuff out, as we have major issues going between the two us with finances.
I told him I understood if he was not able to live with her not being allowed here any longer. He's still debating. In a way I feel kind of bad for him because he has always been working and never really go to know her. His family except for his mother do not liker her behaviors and will chose to not come around if she is around. (even our sons 1st bday - his mom was the only one in attendance from his family) and now that he has changed jobs and gotten to know her, I don't think he's much of a fan either. He makes comments here and there in which I have formed this opinion but he will not come out and say it.
All I know is I am done. And I will stand in the way of our kids being around her as well. I am 31 one years old, have never had issues with depression, high blood pressure, anxiety until she entered my life. The kid is a true spawn of Satan and Satan being her mother.
I hear you
Have the same situation with both my skids 11 and 14. My partner (their dad) is blind to a fault, especially as their mother died and her last thing she said to him was don't be harsh with them. For mainly that reason, they are unlikeable and out of control. I'm coming to terms with the fact that the skids' core beliefs are not going to change, my partner isn't going to change. I'm planning logistically how to exit this situation in the next year or 2 as my loathing and anger feels horrible to me. I'm not that person! Do I feel guilty? A bit. But I ask myself:these kids have a huge family network of grandparent, aunts, cousins , etc who all have been involved with them all their lives. Where have they been, what have they actually done to help teach these children to be decent human beings? Eff all! I just want to distance myself from them all and start to live my real life without all their s**t. That I do not feel guilty for at all.
I know how you feel. Every
I know how you feel. Every morning I wake up hearing my stepson voice I get tense and depressed.
A couple days ago my son (4) got injured playing and this sadistic fucking asshole 12 years old hit him in the injured spot pretending to play with him. Despite my son saying Ow he did lnt stop and pretended to not know why my son was complaining even know he is fully aware where he was hurt and he was slapping the wound site hard too.
It took all my inner restrain not to deck him at that time. My wife punished him by making him stay in bed all day, and the whole time this piece of shit was baby talking begging to be let off. He whined and made funny noises trying to get attention less than an hour after trying to intentionally hurt my son.
I despise him so fucking much. I'm waiting for the day he moves out so my family can finally live a peaceful life. He went on a camping trip for a week and it was perfect. The house was peaceful, my son was well behaved, and I felt no anxiety whatsoever. My wife missed him a lot and that's my dilemma. I don't want to put my wife in a difficult situation so I try to avoid being near him too much, bit she seems to be hinged on me being a father to this piece of shit kid. She thinks that if we spend more time together I somehow will automatically love him. If someone hurt my son they'd be lucky I dont get my hands on them, now I'm being asked to love this selfish disrespectful piece of shit unconditionally. The moment he hurt my child the deal is off. I really need to reiterate that I love my wife, and that's the reason I still put up with this shit. Without my wife I'd grab my son, drive as far away from this little asshole as possible.
Sometimes I laugh bitterly when I see stepparents complaining about stepkids they see every other weekend. I'm stuck with this kid daily because his deadbeat father isn't in the picture. So I'm always tired, tense and on edge.
Advice from someone going through a similar situation. Disengage. If you love the mother enough use that love to get you through tough time of dealing with the bastards misbehavior. It will be over when he moves out. If you don't love the mother enough leave. Don't do anything that will get you in trouble, dipshit isn't worth going into trouble for.
As for me if the dipshit keeps hurting my son and destroying my property I'm going to call the cops, maybe it will get him put in the juvie and he'd learn there are consequences for being a piece of shit