I'm the bad guy, of course.
So I found this site about a month ago, have been reading posts since then. I have been getting frustrated with my situation, so finally decided to post, this may be a long rant. So, I'm the stepfather to my 5 y.o. SD. Wife and I also have a 11-month old BS. BF and Wife have joint custody of SD, so she is here half the week and rotating weekends. It used to be that we had a good relationship (SD and I), but things have just been getting worse and worse lately.
I suppose it is my own fault. I love my wife immensely, and when we married I loved being around SD too (SD was 3 when we met). I tried very hard to be a father figure, even though BF is still in the picture. However, as the time went on, it started to seem like the only one who was even remotely interested in disciplining SD was me. Wife will do it, but just as often she'll give in to something that I absolutely would not let my own child do. BF doesn't discipline AFAIK. He seems content with being a friend... SD eats candy for breakfast over there (one time he even dropped her off at our house in the morning with a bag of skittles for breakfast). He denies it was breakfast and says he told her to eat it later... she was eating it when he dropped her off! This is pretty routine stuff, I could provide 1,000 examples.
Another thing that pisses me off is that neither wife nor BF seems to want to do any legwork for their child. Sure, wife signed her up for kindergarten, but I had to do all the paperwork, take her for her shots, and I drive her to and from school constantly. Of course, I work from home, so it's easier for me. I signed her up for aftercare. I pay for it every month - though at least the BF gives us half the money (usually a week or two late). Now she has spring break coming up... I'm expected to figure out what we're doing with her. Same goes for summer camp. I suppose it's my fault. I signed her up for soccer since her parents don't seem to want to sign her up for anything. This after signing her up for ice skating lessons (which were miserable because she is a spoiled brat, but that is another story). So now I cart her butt to soccer after school two times a week, sometimes with my son in tow too. BF has shown no interest in participating in any of these events with my SD. Sure he shows up to watch her play games, but isn't that great for him? He has to do ZERO work and he gets to reap the benefits of her remembering that he was at every game (she won't remember that it was me who took her to do damn practices and was also at every game).
Not to mention SD's attitude is complete crap. She is one of the most spoiled children I have ever met, and her parents don't see it. So, when I tell her no or get angry with her because even after telling her no she goes and does what she was told not to do, I am the bad guy. I pick her up from school and I get "I don't want you, I want (BF)." The other day it she told my wife in front of me that "I don't love daddy (referring to me, she decided to call me daddy - I had nothing to do with it. it started as "daddy bear"). She absolutely cannot play by herself - she has to be on top of me constantly (or her mom). If I'm talking to my son, or playing something with him, she'll stop what she is doing, even if in another room, and come get right between he and I to get my attention. She refuses to play with her toys, she has to play with my son's (baby) toys. I could go on and on.
So I decided that I need to disengage. It's easier said than done, I'm afraid, especially when you feel like you've invested a lot of time in the child. It's also hard since I still have to take her to soccer by myself until the end of the month. But I'm not doing it anymore without being specifically asked. I've already decided I'm not signing her up for soccer again, or camp, or anything. Let her bio parents take care of it. I'll handle my son's stuff. But the problem I'm having is how do you deal with this unruly SD when her mother is not around. For instance this morning I was feeding the baby while mom was getting ready for work. SD walks up, yells "boo" and scares the baby while he's eating. I tell her not to do that while the baby is eating. The baby loves it, of course, but that wasn't the time. So, not even a minute after, as I'm holding him and still feeding him, she comes up and starts tickling him! I got angry and probably didn't say it in the best tone of voice, but said "Stop messing with your brother while he is eating!" Of course, the wife heard THAT, so now I'm the bad guy. I can't just leave the room every time the SD comes in, right?
I understand about keeping
I understand about keeping the kids separate. Right now at dinner we do separate them, and since one is still a baby, there have been no problems. I can't imagine that will last as he grows up, however.
As for the extracurricular activities thing - I know what you are saying. I grew up playing sports and I credit them for a lot, if not all, of my friendships and life experiences. That was why I signed SD up in the first place. And while I know the beneficial experience these activities can give a child, I'm at the point where I am wondering why I am the only one who does this for my SD. While SD is not independent, she is certainly outgoing and has no problem making friends or playing, so that aspect of sports won't be too much of a loss. The independence and teamwork will be. I am just at a loss as to why I should continue to be pushing and encouraging SD to do these activities. Maybe I'm being selfish, but as of right now there has been zero appreciation of this from SD, DW or BD (though I don't expect it from him). The way SD's parents act and allow SD to act, the fact that I'm doing these things with her seem to be expected from me. If it were my son, I'd have no problem doing this stuff because it is my child, but for SD I expect some sort of help from the other two actual parents, and I receive none.
I'm also not sure I want to just be the "sports" stepdad. Maybe she'll remember it was me carting her to all of her practices, but given our current relationship, I think it is much more likely that she remembers BD being at the games taking pictures of her instead of me sitting and cheering her on with her half-brother.
"I don't want you, I want (BF)."
I tried what you suggested, actually a couple of times. She didn't get upset when I threatened to call, so I actually called BD on the phone and put her on the phone with him. Big mistake. Then it just turned into an even bigger meltdown because he wouldn't come get her. So I was left to deal with that. It's not like I could just leave her there, even if I wanted to.
I applaud your decision to
I applaud your decision to disengage. There are a few success stories on here, and a few "partial" success stories like Draco's, but for the most part, blended families are a mess. If I had it to do over again, I woulds still be with my DW, but my approach to dealing with her children would have been much different. I never would have gotten involved with them - I would just have let DW handle everything, and would focus my enery on spending time with DW.
Also, your comment about being unappreciated rings very true for most on here. I have done things for SD17 for years, made all kinds of sacrfices, etc., and she has not appreciated it one bit. It's just expected that I do these things for her. They don't count for anything positive, but they would be a negative if I **didn't** do it. And like you, there is a bio-dad in the picture who has consistently reaped the benefits of my work, even though he did nothing to contribute himself. It is very frustrating. Disengaging is the only thing that I have found that helps.
Best of luck to you.
Rhino, I applaud you for
Rhino, I applaud you for being a dad to your SD. Most of us on here do not feel appreciated. But, being in my situation for almost 12 years I can tell you that the kids, on SOME level DO appreciate what you do for them. EVENTUALLY, it kicks in. I think being a SM has been serious hard work & many times my DH doesn't express his gratitude like I wish he would. But I KNOW that my Skids DO appreciate & love me. Even though it hasn't been an easy ride. I disengaged for a period. And believe it or not my SS who is now 19, remembers it CLEARLY. One time he said "You wouldn't even look at us or say ONE word to us. That was so mean." I smiled and said "I didn't even realize you noticed." So YES, they notice, they sense it, they feel it when you disengage. I'd take it up with the wife. SHE needs to know how you're feeling overworked and under appreciated. And when SD pulls the you'r enot my dad card do what my DH did to MY son. He told my son " I AM your DAD because I am the one that is HERE. Day & Night I am HERE, with YOU. I am the one that takes you to football practice and sits on the ice cold bleachers cheering you on. I am the one that is helping your mother so WE can provide shelter & clothes and those expensive sneakers that you like to wear. So maybe I didn't MAKE you, but I sure am YOUR DAD and don't you EVER forget that!" Case closed, my kid NEVER said such a thing again. I wish you luck, welcome to ST and vent away whenever you feel the need, that's what we are here for.
You are DEFINITELY not alone.
You are DEFINITELY not alone. I pour everything I have into my family because I want a family. I would love to be a dad and I parent my two stepkids. They do love the things I do though I get shafted a lot. I know this because they implement (or try to anyway) the things I do with them with BD. I try to rest in the fact that I'm doing the right things and good things or they wouldn't try to do those things with him, and they never bring anything back from his house to try to implement with us....I hang onto the good moments whenever they come around. I hang on to the idea that if these were my bio kids, how would I want their stepdad to be? If I had no choice but to not father my kids everyday, how would I want the guy who was to be? I believe extra-curricular stuff will be great - my SD wants to get into extra-curricular, unfortunately we run into the situation that BD lives an hour and a half away from us and won't bring her to anything she's signed up for anyway so she'd only be able to do the activities every other weekend (when he's being consistent in picking them up). Hang in there, but do address it with your wife. My wife and I had a "come to Jesus meeting" a while back, I disengaged for a while and the kids noticed big time. I am more balanced with the kids now, but it's hard some days.
Kids are kids, but I read
Kids are kids, but I read somewhere that skids will never turn out as if you have raised them yourself. Really, you cannot be expected to care more than her parents do. Lead by example with your child, and maybe your DW will follow.
I learned that the hard way. I used to push for the skid to eat the same food as we did, and tell DH that she needed to do more than watch tv all day, like attend a preschool or something, but it's just not going to happen. How about teach her skills that make her a responsible and likeable person? Nope Worse he seemed to resent me for my disappointment in her behavior/lack of progress, and I liked her less for not becoming the type of kid I'd want to be around.
With my son, he's eaten what we eat since day one, goes to a Montessori preschool, helps around the house with cleaning (yes and he's not even 2 yet) and is very social and likeable. He goes to swimming, and tumbling, and he's got a great life. S-kid, not so much, but THEY ARE THERE AT YOUR HOUSE FOR A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT. I try to remember that.
In our house, if you do something wrong, even works on my little guy, we just calmly say "timeout" and point to a corner. If she can't listen, tiiimmmeooouut. No anger, no anything. When they come out, they have to say why they were on time out "for not listening" or do the correct action, put a toy away nicely instead of throwing it.
This is what I did: I wrote
This is what I did:
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.