Manners
My SD 4 is always commended at school for her proper manners and how polite she always is using please and thank you. She was not this way before I moved in. She never said please or thank you. Mind you, she was 2, but IMO that is when you need to learn that. So, I taught her those things, not giving her things until she said please, or letting her know she didn't say thank you and so on. But here is the problem, whenever I cook or server her something, 90% of the time she does not say thank you to me. Last night, I cooked her dinner, told her to go eat, she just sat down and began to eat. This is upsetting to me. Granted, I have been hard on her in the past and we do not have the best relationship. Her BF has told her that I am not her father and she need not listen to me. Plus, she has withdrawn from me due to my discipline. I honestly feel that I was the first person to ever tell this girl "No". This has lead to issues with my wife. I have since backed off and let my wife discipline her. But honestly, I feel angry, offended and hurt by the fact that she doesn't thank me. She will walk in the house and not say hello to me unless I say it first. She won't say good night to me unless her mother tells her to. I do not know what to do here.
did you typo or are you
did you typo or are you seriously asking this about a 4 year old??
I definitely began teaching
I definitely began teaching my kids manners from infancy. When we would play and the would hand me something, I would say "thank you". As they learned to speak, the first said, "dit-doo" which later turned into a proper thank you.
My kids (12,10 and 9) get complimented on manners often but when they forget or do something rude, I gently correct them - "ds9, instead of asking mom about going to your Friend's house as soon as I pick you up from school, it's much more polite to say hello and ask about my day" - or whatever.
With SS13, I find that his rudeness really, really irks me. He interrupts, will start talking when I am in the middle of telling all the kids the daily schedule, etc. I used to correct him all the time, but of course that made me "the mean one" so I backed off. However, if he does it in fronting my kids, I'll correct him just like I do with my bios.
+1 Manners are definitely
+1
Manners are definitely taught early in our house. There are a few things that I definitely cannot stand - which is interrupting and talking with their mouths full of food. SD8 and SD5 have horrible mannerisms when they come back from their weekend with BM2 but we just have to redrill into them what's appropriate.
SD5 eats like a pig. So bad he will manage to get food behind his ear and sometimes on the walls. Not sure how he manages, but we have to remind him every day to slow down. It's who he is and he's also 5, expectations aren't unbearably high.
Divorce is REALLY hard on
Divorce is REALLY hard on little people, especially a child that young. I don't know how old she was when you and her mom got together, but SD2 was 2 when DH and I got together. It was the first time in her life she had EVER spent an overnight away from either of her parents.
Yes, a 3/4 year old is going to take direction better from someone she has a close, loving bond with. At that age, the harshness or "being hard on her" is going to cause her to withdraw from you. Often with a kid that age, it isn't what you say, or whether you're right or wrong. It's how you say it, and the bottom line is that you are an adult. She is 4 years old. She isn't going to get it right every time.
A gentle reminder is sufficient, and if she continues to withdraw from you, seriously, leave the parenting and discipline to her mother and father. Otherwise you're likely to find yourself with a rift between you and your step daughter. You sound like you actually care, so I'm answering in seriousness.
Her dad was wrong for telling her that you aren't her parent and she doesn't have to listen to you, but don't take that out on her.
I'm not sure, but didn't a
I'm not sure, but didn't a step mom post almost the same post about a 4 year old not thanking her? Just the other day.
If I recall correctly she got very different responses.
Edit to add...(same thing I said to SM)...SHE IS ONLY 4. GAH!!
And I HATE that piss ant crap about kids not saying Hi first. GROW UP DUDE.
I hate that "kids need to say
I hate that "kids need to say hi first" crap too. My stepfather was sooooo insecure that he needed a five year old (me) to say hi first! WTF? Some of these people have NO business being around small children.
Thank you for all the
Thank you for all the replies. I do see that I need to back off and I have been doing so, and will continue to do so. However, it kind of saddens me that some of you feel that manners aren't important. I DO have my own bio children and just as with my SD, I taught them manners from infancy. As an educator, this is part of the problem with today's children. Manners are not important and children are allowed to be rude and disrespectful. Call me "old school" a "Nazi" or even an "asshole", makes no difference to me, children need to learn respect and manners. I have a 15 month old daughter and she is learning her manners too. I will be damned if anyone is disrespected by my children.
My point is that manners
My point is that manners start at a young age. Maybe my message wasn't clear. I said in my original post that she thanks others, its ME she forgets to thank. Its really hard not to take that as personal or intentional. So I was asking if I should continue to press this. I get it, I'm not now nor ever will I be her father. I get that. But it bothers me when ANYONE is rude to me. I never said I expected perfection from her either.
I agree that teaching a kid
I agree that teaching a kid manners start at a young age. You can't wait until a kid is 10 and then try to teach them manners. While it can be done, it's a lot harder than if you had started at an early age.
The problem is SD is intentionally being rude because her dad is telling her she does not have to listen to you. The only way this will stop if your WIFE insists SD starts treating you with respect. No, you are not her father, but SD should treat you with the same respect she would be expected to treat a teacher or family member.
That respect thing is a flip
That respect thing is a flip sided coin, you know. Are you being respectful while trying to teach? Tone and body language are also a part of manners.
I am fair and firm with my
I am fair and firm with my children as a father should be IMO. Again, I have taken a step back when it comes to my SDs.
The reason I'm asking is
The reason I'm asking is because, frankly, I had a stepfather who overstepped his boundaries at least 10 times a day. My mother did not put a stop to it and now her and I have NO relationship because she brought him into our house and let him tell her how to raise her kid. We will not ever recover from his presence. Please be very very careful how you handle this, or the consequences could be bad.
I'm sorry to hear that. I do
I'm sorry to hear that. I do not want that for my wife or my SD. I love my wife and my SD. It would break my heart to have that happen.
Well, then that alone makes
Well, then that alone makes you a far better person than the man my "mother" married. Didn't mean to rag on you.....you just hit a nerve is all. My ex stepfather ruined our lives then walked away smiling. He couldn't care less about the damage that he did.