There are different opinions on this subject. For me I'am involved in every decision made in our home. This is the only way I can work. Its not that I a control freak. I've just raised 2 bio that are 23 and 29. I have more experience than DH. We both together came into SS life when SS was 18 months now he's 8 years and lives with us full time. (DH didn't know he had a son). My DH is a very laid back kind of guy, he has a hard time enforcing rules and boundries, he lets people walk all over him. DH is not a wimp he just doesn't like conflict. And tries to avoid it at all cost. So SS really knows how to get away with murder. This is were I come in and set boundries and rules. It took me 3 years to get DH fully on board. Now DH can say no to SS and actually get him to mind the first time. It has work with BM too. Although we are having some issues now. Any time their are children in the house there needs to be rules and boundries and consiquences (may not be spelled right sorry). The first thing I'd do is not play those kind of games with SS. He needs to learen he can't always win and he can't always be right. Don't let him win at games. He will learen to be a sore looser and it will cause problems later on. Also if he has to be told more than 3 times to do something put his nose in the corner, extended his lenght of stay every time he won't shut up or complains. There are no rewards if you have to stand in the corner. The most important part is you have to be consistence (MS). Or it doesn't work. Be sure DW is on board it works faster If ya'll back each other up.

Kids need boundaries, they need to know who is in charge, they need consistency, they need to learn when to lose and how to be a gracious winner, they need mom and (s)dad making the rules for games and for the home. If he wants to make rules let him do that when he is with his little friends. If you play the games with him tell him that you are the adult, thus you make the rules. I always played games with my kids and they knew when mom played she set the rules and boundaries. Sometimes I'd say ok it's your turn but then it always came back to me being the final word in everything from game rules to bedtime. He doesn't get to say bed at 9, you say bed at 8 and if he doesn't go to bed you have him sit in a chair by the table out of site of the tv until he's ready. We did that with my son when he was about 3 and he only had to sit there two nights for about 20 minutes! You have to get on board with your wife, let her know you'll support her and have input, b/c it sounds like this child needs both of you. My sis had a son young and got married to another guy that was not my neph's dad, I remember once hearing over the phone her dh spanking her son for doing something and asked what the hell and she said he's the dad of this house and my son needs to follow his rules or he gets spanked. Simple. My neph is now 19 yrs old and a very respectful young man with a wonderful attitude toward life. Boys need men in their lives to teach them how to grow up into men. Pretty darn simple on paper! I think the trouble with the younger generation these days is there are too many single moms raising boys who think they can use guns and make babies and do all that crap with no consequences. Those boys didn't have dads telling them to respect women, use guns responsibly, make your own bed, get an education, work hard and stop playing xbox and get out and bust out a sweat. Kids learn by example.

Ok, stepping off my soap box!!

I became Dad to my SS-20 when he was 1yo. We struggled with much of the stuff you are experiencing.

One absolute given that I insisted on was that my DW and I are equity partners in our marriage and in life which makes me an equity parent to any kids who live in my home.

You are not his friend of his buddy. You are the only full time dad/male role model that he will have. That makes you a parent. A parent is a mentor, advocate, confidante and disciplinarian. Not a friend, not a buddy.

As for the difficulty in following simple instructions/assignments.... my Skid was exactly the same way at that age. What we had to do was limit instruction to a single item. If we gave him two things to do he would not finish either. One, done, verify then give the second task.

When it comes to the tearful manipulation, ignore it or give him a choice. Stop crying or if he wants to cry you will give him something to cry about. Then follow through. My kid learned eventually that crying to manipulate resulted in a stinging butt. He was always several years ahead intellectually and academically but several years behind in maturity. Rather than deal with the immaturity we addressed his intellect. He in fairly short order realized that talking was far less unpleasant than crying.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

I think it is your job to step in. Tell your wife you want to help him become a man, a good person, show her you have goals for his adult life. She won't regret it.

I have learned just because "they," have procreated does not mean they know how to raise a responsible person.

I think you have to tell your wife how you feel and ask her how she sees your role. Maybe this is a horrible idea since she is pregnant, and I have never been so I have no idea on this.... BUT... I was in the same situation. I felt like after we spent an hour making breakfast, just the way SD6 likes it, just what she wanted, got her juice, water, washed hands... it was fuckin snack time... them lunch and OMG I couldn't take this BS.

I HAD to tell my husband SD6 needs to fit into our life instead of us waiting on her hand and foot like a couple of slaves. I said, he could handle this or I would! Since SD is a girl, I decided I will show her how to brush her hair, teeth, use deodorant and be "pretty." Since my husband can't teach her how to act like a lady, and her mother is a disaster and people think SD is mine when we are out, I will teach her how to behave appropriately. The husband WASNT happy when I said I HATE having her around, and I needed his help to change that, but it was necessary, and it's gotten better. I couldn't consider the idea of having our own kids with SD like this and my husband waiting on her hand and foot. I want my kid to be something awesome, someone people look up to and we can't parent like this. SO, you should talk to your wife!

Step in. Teach that kid some discipline, respect and manners

Let me say this: if you're paying the bills for that house then you have say so in regards to the child IF he's living under your roof. I know that people might say I'm wrong however, I would find other ways to discipline him like time outs and ignoring their tantrums. If you think he needs a whoopin, you tell your wife that if she doesn't correct the problem, you will!!

You should NEVER have to put up with such crap in a place you live AND pay bills on. No child of mine would ever do this...and if they did, Hell rises....

Read Hebrews Chapter 12 in the bible it talks about discipline of God as it relates to a father disciplining ones child. It's such a part of the relationship that it says in fact that if you aren't disciplined then you are illegitimate and not a son. But the best is when it says so discipline is painful for now but afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness. Now you can't tell me that doesn't sound great. I hear a lot of people saying oh it's not the step dad or mom's place to discipline. Well I think it is and in fact if you don't you won't get the respect of the child if you can't hold the line. You will get walked on over and over by the kids but not only that then your wife will too!! and lose respect for you and then you will lose your own self respect. Do the right thing for your whole family and stand up for what's right when they are in the wrong.