Need advice, re: stepson communication, wife upset
Greetings, I am looking for some objective feedback on an issue that's come up lately. Sorry for the long first post...
Situation: My wife and I were married last December (after being together for about 4 years) but have only just started to live together recently. She has been a widow for 12 years, and has 2 kids still at home: A 16 year old daughter, and a 17 year old son (almost 18). I have been divorced for about 5 years, with 2 kids, both out of the house. Our living situation is thus myself, plus her and the 2 kids. We are living in her home at the moment.
The issue: My stepson, a great kid personality wise, is a bit of a slob at times. This week I woke up early to get ready for work, and went down to the kitchen for some breakfast. The kitchen was a mess with an open jar of peanut butter, an open bag of bread, and gobs of peanut butter all over the floor. He had come home late the previous night, probably intoxicated, and made himself a snack. I cleaned it all up and headed off to work, after leaving a "tongue in cheek" note to the neighborhood rats that, despite the mess, they were actually not welcome in our home at all. I hoped that would get the message across in a nonjudgmental way.
After returning home and asking my wife about the mess that morning I was met with a cold hard wall of silence. I asked if she and I could together discuss this issue with him together as a united front and get to some higher level of responsibility around his messy habits. (This also includes him bringing take out food home and leaving the wrappers and unfinished food containers in his closet.) She refused and in fact declared that I was no longer allowed to talk with him on this subject without her permission, because it was an imposition of my values on him. And I should not expect him to change just because I was now living with them. She also indicated there would be "severe consequences" from her toward me if I in fact confronted him on this issue. Accusations of me being over critical about this followed.
I countered that I would not treat him as a child and that a direct and non-punitive adult conversation with him could be very beneficial. I refused to have to ask for her permission to talk to him each time something came up that I thought required some feedback on his behavior. That feels like a secondary and demeaning position to put me in. I am an adult in the household, and although I'm not his father certainly feel it is my place to be able to speak to him (in a respectful and appropriate manner) when his behavior and actions warrant it.
I eventually did have a 5 minute 1 to 1 conversation with him about this, and the need to have some respect for himself and the rest of the house as far as cleaning up after himself. For my own sense of integrity I felt I had to say something to him directly. He seemed to understand and even apologized, but it's not clear there wil be a change in his habits. To my wife, this meant I crossed a "sacred boundary" (her words) and she would now "think about" what she was going to do. This means whether she wants to stay married to me or not. She basically cut off all communication with me for about 2-3 days, and although she is now talking to me again, it is pretty tense.
I've apologized to her for hurting her, and have tried to explain my thinking on this. But it's to no avail. She refuses to understand, or even want to understand. I'm looking for feedback and suggestions to get through this. The issue will no doubt come up again as it is a long term issue. I wanted to work on this together with her, but clearly in her mind that is not my place. As for me, I would approach anyone I might be living with in a household, stepson or not, in the same respectful and adult manner if an issue came up. I'm just not willing or able to put this to the side and accept the mess (or the rats).
This website does not need
This website does not need unintelligent and non-constructive comments like these. You want him to leave her over peanut butter? Really?
I find this very interesting
I find this very interesting as this is the same thing that most of these women here complain about. I.E. the your are not allowed to talk to my kids or anything as you are not their parent but then expect us to do everything for them. AS well as same thing when it comes to adult skids as the daddy is so guilty that he lets his kids live with them until they are in their 40s but we the sm are not allowed to say a thing! Even though this is OUR home too. We are expected to take disrespect and being crapped on just b/c they are a COD!
Ok so you know where I'm going with this right??? Anyway if I were you i'd leave and do what foxie said put it back in her and their laps.
Uh oh is right. Sorry but
Uh oh is right. Sorry but your wife is a bit delusional if she thinks you need permission to talk to her son. I agree that doing this puts you on an uneven standing in the household and when SKIDS detect this, it will be like sharks smelling blood in the water and they will start doing things JUST because they know you can't address them directly.
I highly suggest these two things:
1. Counseling. You two need to speak to a counselor because right now it seems speaking to her
won't get you anyway. Sometimes it helps to have a neutral 3rd party explain things and
come up with suggestions.
2. Consider selling her house and buying a new house together. This is more a psychological
move than anything else. Because you moved into HER house, she and especially the SKIDS
consider it their territory and you will never stand on equal footing because of that. The
kids will have the thought process of "This guy came into OUR house and is trying tell me
what to do" and they will always resent you from being on THEIR turf. This happened to me
when I first moved in with my wife and her kids, and it was hell. Moving out of that
place and into a place we purchased together was significant because the SKIDS new that it
was OUR place, not just THEIRS.
3. Start putting some money aside right now just in case your wife is too headstrong and going
to a counselor doesn't work, and she isn't open to the idea of getting a new place
together. You will need that money to get your own place soon, because the fact that she
would speak to you for 2-3 days and told you there would be "severe consequences", this
spells serious trouble in your marriage.
You are in for a lot more
You are in for a lot more problems. I don't discipline my Steps and my DH doesn't do mine. Agreement we made early on when there were some problems. If my son, behaved this way, I would be all over him, DH wouldn't have to. DH tells me and I handle the issue. She is wrong in that she should have disciplined and talked to the kid so you didn't have to. My thinking is that this will get worse and she has a power hold over you in that it is her house. I like the idea of selling the house and giving you equal footing.
Thank you for your reasonable
Thank you for your reasonable comment. I'm really sad that this poor guy is getting such harsh advice from some other people. Yes, you are probably in for a lot more problems, it's the nature of a blended family. There comes a point in each new blended family where you feel you can't bite your tongue anymore. I think Jsmom has the right idea, you discipline yours and let her discipline hers. Tell her in the sweetest way what your issues are with her kids and let her handle it. Don't expect her to always agree with you though. I find that my husband is harder on my kids than his own and he wants me to discipline for things his kids do all the time. If you are fair, really fair, then you will be able to work out a system with your wife. The hardest part is that you have to wait until the kids are not around before you talk about the behavior, and by that time the behavior is long over.
Anyway I think moving into a new house together would be a mistake until you have a few years under your belt. That would just add a "this is my house too now and there will be no late night peanut butter on the kitchen floor" vibe to your fights and many other ridiculous rules you probably don't even realize you are capable of creating. Also it would make things sticky financially if you ever did split up. Besides, the kids are almost adults now so just keep repeating to yourself "they will be gone soon, they will be gone soon, they...". My son is eight so we have a long road ahead of us. Search "My husband hates my kids" on this website for my story
I say get out now! In her
I say get out now! In her mind you will never be above her children and you are likely being compared to her deceased XH which I presume is their father. You won't ever measure up.
I guarantee you this woman will not sell her house nor will she go to counseling. And even if she goes to counseling it will be with the hope that the counselor will magically *fix* you.
She has let you see a lot of bad habits that point to the fact that she is not fully healed and ready to be in a marriage. It's best if you cut your losses now before things become a financial nightmare for you. You are less than a year into the marriage so you may get out unscathed.
Wow, yes her reaction was
Wow, yes her reaction was extreme. You tried to use humor to make light of the situation. She did not see it that way. You two have never had a conversation about your role as an authority or disciplinarian, have you? I'm guessing not.
Give her some time to cool, then tell her that you and she need to be clear about your role with the skids. If she says you don't say anything to them, then fine. You don't DO anything FOR them either. No authority=no responsibility. she can't have her cake and eat it too.
As for this
"I cleaned it all up and headed off to work, after leaving a "tongue in cheek" note to the neighborhood rats that, despite the mess, they were actually not welcome in our home at all. "
Those of us who have disengaged would have told you to leave the mess for her to deal with. 1. she'd see how her children are sloppy instead of you being in the way of her seeing it (I'm sure she already knows and doesn't care actually) 2. That mess was not yours to clean. They are not 2, they are teens.
Do not clean up after skids.
Hope this helps.
Come on people, this is
Come on people, this is normal kid behavior. How many of you have perfect teenagers? The only thing abnormal about this situation is that this is a blended family and all of the experts will tell you that the biological parent should do the disciplining. If you were a 17-year old with a new stepdad you would undoubtedly reject any discipline from him. This kid may be sloppy but he didn't ask for a new parent so he should be able to continue living under his mother's control. His mother should take her new husband's feelings into consideration but she has to be careful that she doesn't send a message to her kids that stepdad is more important then they are. It's a fine line we stepparents walk, trying to please and mediate between our kids and our spouses.
I agree that you should have left the mess for his mother to catch and then she could deal with it. Try not to sweat the small stuff because you only have a few years to go with these kids.
I don't think the problem is
I don't think the problem is between you and the skids. At least that's not how it sounds. It sounds like you get along with them, and at least in some way they respect you. Your SS listening to you rather than flipping out on you.
He's a teenage boy, he will be messy. I haven't met many who aren't. You have to accept that part of him, but if you're paying bills, which I assume you are, then you have every right to expect people to treat the house that you're living in with respect. You need to come out and tell your wife that. Tell her you in no way intend to discipline the children, and you don't want to father them. However, you do feel uncomfortable with the messes that you had to clean up, and you won't do it again. If she won't draw a line with her kids then you won't clean up after them anymore.
In their eyes you have no
In their eyes you have no right to say anything because YOU recently moved into THEIR house. Buying a house together and moving out of their house will help you a little, but I think it's going to get worst no matter what you do. Her kids will always come first, you came into their lives too late. Your new wife is the one who has been doing the raising, the discipline and making all the rules (for the last 12 years) up until you moved in. Your still newlyweds and she is already giving you the silent treatment? I can't see it getting any better. The 17year old is coming home intoxicated and making a mess and leaving it for someone to clean it up for him Hmmmmmmm. Now is SS17 getting ready to go to college? Or is he planning to live in with his mom until her new husband leaves? Get ready to feel used and abused just like me.
From a womans point of veiw
From a womans point of veiw it seems like she is having issues letting go. It is such a big deal for her because it sounds like she did alot of the raising them on her own, I would reccomend that you talk to her, let her know that your sorry for crossing a line and that it wasnt your plan. Then see if you both can reach a common ground, one issue like this isnt worth ending a marriage, and it is possible to work it out.
you have every right to teach
you have every right to teach your step child manners skils etc that help him to be an adult.
His mother should be teaching him but hasnt....and doesnt want him to know these very important adult things...so where to go from here?
Maybe you are from a better background than her....and if she dont want to step up in the better world...and you dont wanna step down...its always going to be a struggle....Im sorry you feel bad
A woman's perspective... talk
A woman's perspective... talk to your wife... maybe she has been so used to dealing with these kind of things all by herself that letting go of that control scares her or even makes her feel guilty. I was in a long term relationship of ten years and my bf.. did not want to participate when it was time to discipline my boys... but to be honest I would have been thankful if he did.... I was lucky though their dad was an awesome dad.... but having a man in the house that was willing to help guide my children would have been great!!! You need to sit down with her and help her understand that even though you are not their BD.. you are the male/man of the house and boys need guidance to become good men. She should feel lucky that you want to take that role.. you may want to think about counseling for all of you.... it usually helps... be patient... I mean it is clear that you love her and want all of you to be a family. Whether she wants it or not you are both forming a new family and you are the new head of the house. I hope this helps...
OK, first I don't think it is
OK, first I don't think it is all about peanut butter... (@ myhusbandhatesmyson) that is just an example and the problem goes way deeper than that!
I totally understand your situation. The new house thing...NOPE won't solve the problem. It is our house, his kids, same story.... SS13 doesn't throw the trash away, doesn't flush the toilet, etc... I politely try to ask him to do these things but he would prefer to do them however, won't!
Your wife is being absolutely ridiculous if you ask me. You are an adult in the house, it is now your house too. The SS should now respect you whether you are his step father, father, uncle, whoever, that is what children/teens should do....respect and listen to adults! The world has forgotten this.... it is that simple.
There are rules in the house, you and your wife should sit down together, make a list of rules. She can then go over those rules with the kids. Then you both should be able to enforce them. You asking them to follow those rules in a respectful way should be fine, her giving punishment/concequences for not is how it should work.
Counciling would be great but most likely wont' happen...I can't get my spouse to go.
Good Luck. I am sure you married her for a reason and getting out/or leaving is not the answer....that shouldn't even be a suggestion. Having stepkids is hard, a huge adjustment that none of us really know what to do, but we need to work together to figure it out.
My best advice....PRAY!
I discipline my skids when
I discipline my skids when they are in our, same as my DH discipline's my kids when they are with us. We are now a FAMILY and there is NO special treatment for anyone.
What strikes me in your post is you did not yell, scream, or threaten...you cleaned up and mess and left a note, reminding all to do better. MY DH would have gone upstairs, woken my son up, and made him come down and clean it up. Do i disagree? Well..no. OUR house, OUR rules. Oh..and my DH moved into MY house and I would still support him.
I agree with the poster above about counseling, a new house, and saving money.
The marriage comes FIRST, kids second. Period.