The Reality
I'm sure I'm breaking a rule by posting my first post here but I'll apologize in advance. I'm a 27y/o male with no children of my own living with a 26y/o GF that has a 4 y/o daughter.
I wouldn't even know where to start BUT I'm sure there's several examples of situations like mine but FOR some reason it's mostly SP's dealing with adolescent or older Skids. I have a lot in common with most of the posters I've read I guess my dilemma has started earlier than most.
Let me start off by saying that I'm not perfect and I'd say that I have a few issues that need to be dealt with myself but -- I TRY! I've made a valiant effort IMO to try to turn things around. I've read throughout this forum that ultimately I'm NOT responsible for her daughter and I'm surprised that's even tossed around -- even here, due to the BM's that read the board. I've said that a few times when things have gotten very negative at home but I will usually get a reply such as, "You knew I had a kid when we met." ETC ETC
I find myself being twisted and manipulated by both the gf and her daughter. I'd wager that it's an actual gene they've inherited directly from the females of her family/ancestors. I find that when HER daughter makes a mess that either I or her mother have told her not to make I often have to clean it up. I also get off work rather late in the morning and am expected to be awake near the same time that they are or I'll hear ALL about how she doesn't have any HELP. I don't get a break normally, I work Wed night - Monday morning and her daughter stays 3 days a week with her BD which are Saturday-Monday. SO her mother gets a 3 day BREAK from both ME and her, but for me I get from whatever time I wake up from work on Monday until sometime Tuesday but I hear constant non stop nagging how she has no help and I'm just so terrible.
I'm so terrible I try to talk about things when she screams like a lunatic. I'm so terrible that when she's bitching about doing something for her daughter and I get up to go ahead and do it, she'll all the sudden want me away from her daughter because she can tell I don't want to do it or have nothing to do with her when it's not the case. The issue at hand is not me doing something, it's ME doing something because skid has done something that 9 times out of 10 I've warned her not to do. IE, throw yogurt in the floor, paint herself with yogurt, choke the cat/dog, climb up and pour out cleaning solution.
This can't be healthy. I've noticed that the female parents in her family are the type of parents that have kids that do no wrong and LOVE them to death even my GF's brother died of Alcoholism/Bulemia at an early age wherein his father knew he had an issue and tried to address it but yet his mother persecuted the father and refused to acknowledge the obvious.
Anyways, that's the type I'm dealing with I find myself being the b!tch around the home. I work a steady job although it's not the greatest and she doesn't work at all. If I "want" to purchase something from the money I've earned it'll cause a huge fight and yet I've never said hardly anything about her spending money especially when it's on her daughter. Even funnier up until a few weeks ago for three years my check was actually direct deposited into an account which didn't even have my name on it! Weirdly enough when I did have myself added onto the account the CSR asked her whether she wanted me to be an Authorized Signer or Joint Partner, the CSR further ellaborated the difference and mainly it was that if something happened to her, the money would go to whomever her closest of kin was or to whomever she had left it to in a living will. With no living will of course the money that I've worked for the last 3 years would be given to a 4 year old, strangely enough a later conversation had ensued and it was only then she expressed that basically that's how it should've been; she'd want her daighter to have what she deemed to be HER money. Eventhough the bank acct was 99% deposited in by me throughout working 3 years and she had added in ONLY recently 3,500.00. I just can't wrap my head around how some people can be so selfish and egotistical. She thought a 3500.00 deposit by her, spent MOSTLY by her, should be kept as a credit wherein her daughter would earn it upon her death. So it's ME that buys the toys, clothes, and everything and the one time she makes a deposit it's supposed to never be debited on? Really? How can YOU women even think such maniacal absurdities. I know it's instinct to protect your young but that's more than delusional. It's not like her daughter could go debit the money so in turn it would be in the control of her mother of whom is more than willing to fist fight over a dollar bill of which would be spent on her bother's children he left behind that her parent's raise and not her own daughter because she knows they spend nothing at all on her daughter yet at the ages of 7,9 both of her brother's kids have a LAPTOP each, desktop each, both also have 1 of each of the new gaming consoles a piece, psp, wii, xbox360, nintendo ds, ps3. I'm just to my wits end with how things happen and she knows it as well but being that I am without family it's used against me because afterall the home we live in is HERS.
If anyone has had a situation this bad, I want to know how it was dealt with, and I appreciate the fact anyone took the time to read this RANT, that's probably bouncing around more than a bit.
Ummm, read this again and
Ummm, read this again and ask yourself why you are with this woman who is using you? The bank account thing is too much. Stop the auto deposits ASAP. Do you wear a shirt that says "sucker"? Sorry but that is unbelievable. How did you manage to do that to yourself?
I agree with Lizzie. Why
I agree with Lizzie. Why are you with someone who expects you to work, make all the money, help around the house including with HER kid, while she does no work and wants to spend all the money on her and the kid whom she clearly doesn't discipline? Why? Next time she wants to fight about lack of help or money, ask her where the hell she would be without you? She would have no money and no help, so you get to choose how much you want to participate in her little game. Take ownership for your role in this. You are ALLOWING her to treat you this way. She is like a child herself. Selfish and manipulative. Tell her no. Let her scream. She screams like a lunatic because IT WORKS. You bend over backwards to get her to stop and she knows this. Let her scream, stand your ground, and let her know that you don't HAVE to do everything she wants. Personally, I'd change my auto-deposit into MY OWN ACCOUNT (you are not married and shouldn't be co-mingling funds), I'd divide the bills and make her responsible for 1/2 and anything she wants extra for HER kid (you knew she had a kid doesn't mean you agreed to become the sole responsible adult in her life when it comes to finances or cleaning up after her). When she started screaming, I would LEAVE and let her know you'll be returning, when she can calm her ass down and act like an adult.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters.
I'm not normally so blunt with someone the first time, but you're a guy and therefore might not be so sensitive to bluntness:
Dump her. She's not worth it.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
You already know that you
You already know that you are being played,but there is something in you that make you tolerate the relationship. I feel a little sad for you,because you probably are a good guy,and there are women who don't act like her that would be glad to have you. There is no shame in engaging in a healthy female led relationship (google it),that may be the need you have,but you don't have to be abused and manipulated in order to do so. There is only one thing that would stop this scenario,and that would be to plan your departure. Stop direct depositing your money into her account,don't tell her. Remove your funds from your 'joint' account,and deposit them in another account that only you have access to. Move out,even if it is to a studio apartment,you only have yourself to accommodate. There is no working this out,she is who she is going to be,and she knows how to play you like a fine tuned violin.
She is training her daughter on how to do so as well. Your problem is not because of your sd or even issues with the ex,it is the woman herself.You better hope she doesn't decide to get pregnant,your life will be over. That is of course if you continue down this path,which I suspect you will do. You cannot control her behavior,you can only change your reaction to it. I hope that you will take careful consideration on how you want to live the rest of your life,which could end today,tomorrow,next week,next year or 20 years from now. Is this the kind of cold hearted bitch that you would want to make decisions for you in case of an emergency or God forbid death?
So you do realize that this
So you do realize that this post went to a vent about frustrations with your girlfriend to an attack on all of "US" women? Not only do you repeatedly attack "US" women for our faulty thinking but also suggest that all women in your GF's genetic line are broken. Maybe YOU don't like women, much?
I noticed that too, but
I noticed that too, but sometimes I feel like all men are stupid, so I gave him a break, because maybe he, being a man, was too stupid to notice he did that.
J/k.
Kinda.
To the poster- dump this chick. Hate to be blunt, but you are only feeding into my stereotype that all men are stupid.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA DO IF SHE HAS A KID WITH YOU TO TRAP YOU AND THEN YOU ARE STUCK???
Homegirl gotta go.
~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~
Actually, I think his post
Actually, I think his post took a decidely misogynistics tone. And while I don't condone the thinking that he is attributing to his GF (and remember this is only one severely prejudiced side of the story we are getting) I do agree that if he is just dating this person and he feels there is such sweeping imbalance in this relationship he should just leave. She can't hold him hostage in that house that is hers alone. If he has an income and no marriage or children holding him there and such open faced hositility, why not just leave. I suspect he would hate the next woman in his life with as much intensity though.
Huh, I totally missed it but
Huh, I totally missed it but now re-reading it, I noticed that he actually capitalized YOU women. What a dumbass. And I didn't read the last part about the home being hers, which means he isn't totally supporting her.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
I think that jaded would be
I think that jaded would be more appropriate than mysogynistic, but he seems like he's headed that way!! We all know who we are as women, do we need to be 'validated' by such people? I always believe that there are two sides to every story, I do believe that this lady may very well have manipulated some other sucker to get where she is now and he should wise up, wake up and walk out!!
Yeah, I chalk his attitude
Yeah, I chalk his attitude up to two things:
1) He's young (and frankly from the sound of him he seems emotionally younger than his biological age)
2) He seems to not make very good choices -- so if this woman is any indication of the ones he's dated before, if he's not looking within to see WHY he's making these bad choices in women, he's probably looking WITHOUT to try to blame it on "women" in general.
She does seem like a jerk. But he's obviously got a lot of growing to do emotionally.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
If, despite many other
If, despite many other posters' suggestions to end it with her, you decide to remain in your situation...
1. Stop the direct deposits to the joint account
2. Get your own account
3. If you haven't been doing it, start using condoms that YOU buy, that YOU store away carefully, that YOU open and use properly (and just in case, check the packaging regularly to be sure no one has accidentally poked holes in them)
4. DO read the post about a step-parent being taken to court for child support...
And please do grow a pair, get some self-esteem and stop the blame-game. Many of the site's members, women and men alike, are busy helping their partner to bring some order to the mess that is a blended family, and they do it on a daily basis. It is a choice, an up-hill battle for sanity and a healthy life for all involved, as hard and as ugly as it often gets.
Excellent advice for the
Excellent advice for the poster!!
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
OH my goodness!! You have a
OH my goodness!! You have a carbon copy of the BM of our kids. Our girl is just as manipulative as her mother and went to 'use' err I mean live with her until recently, our girl now wants to be emancipated so she can collect her own money and live with a 19 year old. Our girl is barely 16!! Like mother like daughter like mother...
Please, get your own account and deposit appropriate amounts in the existing account to cover expenses that you feel you incurr.
Better yet, get the hell out of there!! I am not kidding. I see what happens to the partners of these women, I married a man who was in the same circumstance, manipulated out of hundreds of thousands of dollars, three homes, the list goes on...
This woman will bleed you dry, my friend, as long as you let her!! Move on and then she'll find some other sucker. Delve into the history? If you are not the first guy to be taken in by her then take note!