I can't be of any help here. I'm in the same position as your DH, except my friends don't talk like that either. My SD sounds low class. Luckily SO doesn't let her talk like that around us. His friends all talk like sailors, so does he. I don't.

He tries to teach her not to get into such a bad habit.

You state that YOU tell her it's unattractive, but you don't like DH telling her it's low class to speak in that way. You don't have a problem with your teen daughter talking that way, but you do with his ADULT friends? Seems a little backwards.

It seems the real problem is you didn't like the way he said something. DH is not you he is not going to approuch things and speak things in the way you would. Men simple do NOT approuch things as women do or use the words the way a women would.

Your DH will have the relationship he does with SD. That is THEIR relationship and it really is something you cannot dictate for them. If SD has an issue with how/what DH said that is for HER to address with him. If she is old enough to talk in that way, she is old enough to hear what someone else thinks about it wtih out them having to sugar coat it for her.

If it were an aunt, uncle, grandma, neighboor, teacher, an adult of a small child in a store, etc that said that to your daughter would you be so upset over it? Probably not.

I'm sorry but I'm with your DH...no matter what their relationship is like, cursing (especially around one's parent) is trashy & low class...when I was younger, we cursed around our PEERS, not adults, it just wasn't done.

He had the right to say something. She should be able to handle something like that. The issue I see is that using the term " low class" perpetuates an elitism. One would be better to say " uneducated" because the whole idea of "classes" should really be something of the past in this country.

Ok he didn't say she was low class he said she was speaking low class, big difference. And why as a mother, would you NOT want your daughter to be brought up to be a lady? Your daughter was the wrong one in this instance but go ahead and blame the step parent :sick: Guilty parent?

I think that part of the problem seems to be that Step Dad made the remark after having been silent to SD for some time. I can see why Nicepeace finds that difficult. I disengaged years ago, and always feel that I do not have the "right" to say critical things to my SDs, or attempt to correct their speech or behaviour, because I do not say anything positive to them, either! I mostly keep silent while they are with us for weekends, so to come out with something very overtly critical would seem to be not playing by the rules which I have laid down for myself.
I agree with Nicepeace, and think if he could have put it in the way she suggested, it would have been more diplomatic and probably had more effect.

I think the OP's issue is that he pipes in to comment on the negative but ignores the positive.

My DH in a time of Disney Dad and Great Stupidity, gave his kid (d15) permission to speak her mind and say whatever she wanted to adults. "As long as you realize some adults don't appreciate it".

I don't appreciate her smart mouth, snarky attitude and speaking to adults as though she's their equal.

I tell her the same thing every time. YOU are a child. YOU do not have my permission to speak that way in MY presence and I will NOT tolerate it.

I have chewed out DH several times for allowing his kid this freedom. He was fine with it until she turned it around on him. He came whining to me about it and told him "It's your own damn fault. You gave her the freedom to speak her mind to adults, instead of treating them with respect. You don't like it, then you better change it."

Bottom line, I'm siding with the step-dad. As her parent, you should be aware it's not an appropriate way for a child to speak around an adult. You should have taught her better manners. But since you didn't, you can't complain when someone objects to her language. I highly doubt this is the first time she's used that kind of language in front of her step-dad and he's probably sick of it.

I know I was sick of it from the get-go and I put a swift stop to it.

I never seen a problem in swearing amongst family members or close friends. I have cussed at home with my parents since I was in high school (it was NEVER permitted to cuss AT them in a disrespectful way, but in general conversation, the use of swear words was almost normal). Why? Because my parents and friends have always known me pretty well, and they know I'm not a low-class, ill-mannered person. There are times to be professional and diplomatic, and there are times when it's OK to joke around. However, my parents always made it clear that swearing in school, at work, in public areas, and with acquaintances was something they considered unacceptable, and it certainly wouldn't be socially acceptable to others. To this day you will never catch me cussing in any of these places. This has always seemed fair to me.

Just my opinion.

Take your own advice and pick your own battles. Perhaps your DH is overly negative to your daughter. Okay, then this is the problem that needs to be addressed, and with a much better example. This particular case makes your DH look quite right and you look quite overly protective and not a little foolish. He may have been curt, but he did not insult her person, just noted a poor behavior. He was correct to do so. Perhaps instead of discouraging him from doing this, you should encourage him to also interact with her in a positive manner. He can point out bad behavior, but perhaps he could also reward positive behavior with a compliment or something nice to say.

Alternately, wake up and smell the troll.

Respect is earned. I dont think age matters on that. No parent should talk disrespectful to a child. It only teaches that child how to treat them and other people...

This is the part I have a problem with. I dont feel i have to EARN my ss13's respect. My dh, in one of his crazier periods, tried to tell me this. My response was, "excuse me, but if raising this kid since age 1, toilet training him, cooking for him, cleaning up after him, providing for him, attending and providing transportation to his extracurriculars, helping him with homework, sitting with him for 6 hours in the ER, missing countless days of work when he was ill, etc, etc, etc is not enough to earn his respect, then what the HELL is?
Maybe your dh feels he has done enough to EARN respect from her?

Also, I was taught that NO adult needed to earn my respect. I was to respect my elders. Period. If they did something horrible (I'm truly talking horrible-as in abuse-not correcting me for cursing)then I could withdraw my respect. But it was supposed to be a given.

This is one of the things I hate about being a stepparent. If my own kid cursed in front of me-I would tell them to knock it off and be very blunt about it. However, if my ss13 curses I, too, feel like I am not supposed to say anything. And that is ridiculous. It is my own house-if I dont want to hear a child cursing in it I should be able to set that boundary. Heck, If my kids had a friend over and they cursed I'd tell them to knock it off too.

His friends talk like sailors around her daughter!
He better let them know also. And what is it with this "lady like" stuff? Talk like a lady but it's ok to behave like a faul and nasty person? The whole lady thing just bothers me. Act like a good, respectful kind person.

I hate to think this way and I apologize to OP if I am wrong, but I am starting to wonder if this is a troll thing. It's starting some nasty stuff.
If it's a legit. post then I apologize for the " unlady like " responses you are getting.

I haven't read all the replies but I don't think the issue is weather your dd is swearing but more of the way your dh her step father talked to her. I can see how you would be momma bear but honestly he is right it is sound very low class to talk like that. All your dh wanted was the best for her and if she talks like that I can see were if he others will see her as low class and he didn't want that for her. So he really does have her best interest here. Only thing he did wrong was do it in a way YOU don't approve of.

Some times we HAVE to get our point across and if the way you were doing was not working and by the sound of it it wasn't he thought doing it a different way would get her attention and it did. All you are doing buy getting upset with the way he did it is harming their relationship not helping it. It is not up to him to show respect as she is a child she needs to show him respect and the respect with come back to her from him.

I been there done that with my own dd as when she got about that age she thought she could use a few not so good words and she is a very good student and on the cheer team and all around a good kid but she just wanted to say those words. The thing is she was just trying to express herself but she was going about it the wrong way and it is up to US as parents to teach them that it is the wrong way. Her step father was only trying to help her see that she is being perceived the wrong way when she talks like that.

Did it hurt her feels? SURE it did but I bet he got his point across and IF you come in behind him and say something then as I said you are HURTING their relationship not helping it. B/c them she is going to the mess from YOU that see I told you we can't have a good relationship.

see what I'm saying?

nicepeace I think you might be expecting a little too much form for dh. He is not her father and he is trying to be the best step parent he can. Maybe sit down with him and talk to him about certain things and expectations. You can't force him to be a DAD to your kids. You can however expect him to be an adult in their lives like aunt or uncle. He doesn't parent the same way you do and you are expecting him too. Maybe start with getting on the same page in regards to parenting and what you expect out of each other first.

I swear like a truckdriver but don't allow my kids to swear in my home or in my presence. I know, might seem half assed backwards but that's just the way it is in my house.

After re-reading your post to make sure I wasn't biased, I am convinced that you are permissive and he has built up resentment. If it doesn't bother you that she cusses then that is a difference between you and DH on parenting style. He doesn't like seeing her behavior in ways he see's improper. I can only imagine what else he deals with that you think is no big deal and he see's as potential problems later for her in life.

He isn't going to have positive interactions with her because he doesn't think she is being raised properly. I'm glad you don't chastise him in front of her. If you are going to change things, its best now to have a good heart to heart to find out what the deeper issue is.

address it with your daughter by telling her if she feels like he was right she should change her vocabulary and not be mad at him . but if she really does not have any problems with how she speaks tell her to stand up for herself . maybe by informing him that she is just trying to come down to his level so that he can feel comfortable around her . and then you can inform him that the next time he feels the urge to put your daughter down in your presence he will wake find out what it feels like to have reconstructive dental work done.

None of my kids would ever DREAM of swearing in front of me.
It IS disrespectful.
And they are teens.

It is also low class. I agree. I can have a potty mouth sometimes... worse on here than IRL. I'm a pretty straight arrow IRL.

I cannot believe you think it's "ok" for her to swear in front of you...to the point that it's a HABIT. To each their own.