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Step Parent for 6yrs. Bio Parent for 5. Fiancee sick. I feel stuck.

excusemekid's picture

Stepson (11) is inconsiderate, ungrateful, selfish, manipulative jerk. My daughter (5) is not always the sweetest little sister but he makes me feel as he dislikes her more than not. Always making comments like its better when she's spending night at Grandmas or Great grandmas. He gets rough with her. Doesn't heed the talks of big brother protects little sister. He stoops to her level.
He has irked me for about the whole time me and my fiancé have been together. He's a whiny spoiled brat. I've done everything to try to give him what ever he wants and include him in my activities fishing, taking him to the gym, but no responsibility or accountability or maturity is shown.
My fiancé has now been battling Stage 4 ovarian cancer for 4-5 yrs. Our relationship was getting a little rocky before the diagnoses but I felt like for my daughter I can make it work.
She pushed it on him to call me dad(I didn't want that cause I never called my step dad that). He never did. He did refer to me as his dad when talking about me to friends. At times he could be sweet but He's not a genuine kid.
It has got physical with the kid a few times over the past few years not punches or face hitting just grappling type stuff. He is now 11yrs old almost 200lbs and when he gets angry he really thinks he is tough. He's so unhealthy, clumsy, lazy, greedy and lies about the all things.
This Christmas (he got the new ps5) an incident with my daughter called for me to try to take his cell phone (Not a gift) away because of attitude he gave when we called for him to ask a question.
He tries shutting door in my face, I grab the cell out his right hand and he hits me in the face with the bottom of his left fist.
FOR THE FIRST TIME I SHOWED RESTRAINT. I walked away tell his mom what just happened. She digs into him a bit (verbally) and he says I hurt his finger when I took the phone away. Then an hour later he changes it to It was an accident he didnt mean to hit me.

The incident took place at the gr. grandmas since we are getting A kitchen remodel. The grandma says to me we all need to talk. I bluntly say There is nothing to talk about. He doesn't respect us. You were not there you don't need to discuss anything. She says there is more to it. I said no he thinks he can do whatever cause there is no consequences. I clearly told him after the incident I will not risk losing my daughter and my job (Correctional Officer) just to beat his ass.
So my fiancée gets upset with her family saying there is too many hands in the pot. He is getting mixed signals.
The icing on the cake. My fiancée will not respect my wish of taking the OLD Ps4 (Not the new gift) away. I want punishment from all electronics. She says since we are not home there is nothing for him to do. He literally is getting away with it. I refuse to help him with anything involving these video games, I will not be putting his cell service on anymore. I am done. He said this morning look what I unlocked on my game I told him that is the last thing I wanna see. Fix them grades D'S AND F'S.
I tell my fiancée I love her everyday, but if I despise her 1st born is that genuine love? I would not be with someone who dislikes my daughter. Everyone is always giving me respect and praising me for staying with her during her sickness but I feel terrible because I don't like her son. I told her reluctantly when she passes I would take him in but I have had a change of heart 100%.

JRI's picture

Anybody else in his family?  Dad? Grandma?  Aunt?

This is a tough situation.  I'm hoping other steppers have suggestions.

excusemekid's picture

Dad wants to be involved but Mom doesn't want to subject little man to his illegal dealings of employment which I understand. Immature guy. Grandma, and gr. grandma are involved but my fiancée doesn't want them "ruin little mans life". Her brother may have asenburgers? She doesn't believe it. She felt like they raised him in a way where he maybe manipulated the situation. I don't think anything is wrong with him either.

Winterglow's picture

As you are not married, you don't really have a claim to him. Where is his father in all this? 

excusemekid's picture

Correct. I thought I wanted to be the difference but Not so certain now. The dad multiple times showed little man things kids shouldn't be around. Illegal employment.

tog redux's picture

Yes, where is the father? Please make another plan for him - any other family that can take him?

Sorry you are dealing with all of this and the impending loss of your SO. Must be very hard. 

excusemekid's picture

Thank you. Dad is up to no good. Grandma is best option but mom has her doubts how that'll work out.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

BM is not doing him any favors by not being more structured with him. Also he should be in counseling to deal with her illness. I would also get him involved in some kind of martial arts or sport where there is a coach who will be tough on him and peers who will do the same. He needs to learn age appropriate social skills. 

Do not tolerate him hitting. Absolutely he should lose all his privileges. I agree you shouldn't engage in corporal punishment. But you are well within your rights to physically restrain him until he is calm enough to not be a danger and then put him in time out.

excusemekid's picture

He likes basketball. Hes been in baseball for 6 years. Due to his frame and being overweight and lack of interest he hasn't excelled in either. When he does have a tough coach he shows the stubbornness and attitude towards them and cries to mom hes mean. I even am on as asst coach and he feels I'm too hard and shuts down when he feels like it. Mom sent me some links on dealing with teenage boys. It was all crap we've been doing and trying. He was going to therapy for a while. He liked it but few sessions mom was allowed to sit in she wasn't impressed. At that point 6-7 months there was no progress. Maybe just need to try another Dr.

Rags's picture

Things change.  If she succumbs to her cancer your commitment to keep her son should change if he represents a danger to  your livelihood and your daughter's safety.

My condolences on your wife's illness.

excusemekid's picture

Yes indeed. Thank you very much. She's a strong mamma. 31 years young. Ovarian Cancer not detected easily.

shellpell's picture

Let his dad or grandma take him. You are not responsible for him. Your daughter's safety and well-being trump you having to take care of someone potentially violent towards her!