Yet Another Vent
What it boils down to is that you just can't fix lazy. If you weren't involved within the first few years of life to help them understand responsibility, to help develop a sense of worth and teamwork, to teach them the basics of hygiene and manners, they are just going to model the lowest common denominator parent. You know: the sperm donor.
I don't hate my SS10; I dislike him. I hate the way he acts, I hate the way he consistently forgets his one chore. I hate that he gets at least two colds a month from school; this is one of those kids that can't blow their own nose, and instead snorts and sniffs every 10 seconds. I hate the way he interrupts conversations, even at 10+ years old, especially when the wife and I are talking. I hate the way he inserts himself into convos when they have nothing to do with him. I hate that he is already teaching our 2yo his lousy-assed habits. I hate that he doesn't listen or pay attention, and constantly is asking the types of questions that one could answer using a basic thought process. I hate that he has no interests other than the Internet and video games. And I hate that his BD lives 5 miles away, and yet only takes him on average for one night a week.
Despite living with his mom for the first 6 years of his life (two of those with BD & BM), and mom and I for the last 4+, I really feel it's a hopeless cause. BD has/had no business procreating, and even junior makes it a point to say, "I really think my dad is rubbing off on me."
Being a stepparent is a thankless job. Keep your expectations low, and you will not be disappointed. If you're considering 'joining the club', please take my advise: don't.
We have a mixed family living
We have a mixed family living together: SS10, My DW (his bio mom) and I, and our soon to be 3yo BD. There is no making him do anything; been there, tried that, was "too hard on him", and he "felt like he was being picked on". If I tell him to do something or even say or suggest anything, he looks directly at his mom before even attempting to answer me. Three years of this. And the appreciation - down to saying "thank you": only when his mom reminds him. I would agree with the 'want to change' sentiment, but I've seen it before, and he only regresses.
Why blame his Dad when it's
Why blame his Dad when it's hos Mom who's screwing him up by not parenting him? It really is her fault.
IMHO both parents in a
IMHO both parents in a marital home set and enforce the household rules and behaviors regardless of the biology of the children in the home.
That is how it worked on our home when my SS was a minor. His mom and I met when SS-21 was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. As an equity partner in the marriage I insisted on being an equity parent to any children in our home regardless of biology.
So I set and enforced the rules. Generally my bride and I did those things together but when she would not step up and parent and discipline then I did. She had a choice, step up and get it done before I had to or bite her tongue and support me until we could discuss it in private. The same applied for me. When I disagreed with how she disciplined I bit my tongue until she and I could discuss it in private.
Much like your SS's BD, my SS's Sperm Idiot was not very involved in his life. Though SS would go to Sperm Land for visitation 3x per year for a total of 7 weeks (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) on average the Sperm Idiot only saw him 1-2 days per visitation. SS's time in Sperm Land was spent with Sperm Grandhag and Sperm Grandpa.
My son (SS) has turned out to be a young man of character and standing in his community in spite of the influence of the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Clan. SS struggles with his relationship with the Sperm Clan. His mom and I raised him to be polite and to love them. We also raised him to value character. He struggles with loving people that he has no respect for due to their lack of character. The Sperm Idiot is a Opie Cunningham looking white guy who aspires to be a Crip or a Blood, Sperm Grandpa is an emotionally abusive adulterer. Sperm Grandma is the queen bee enabler for the Sperm Idiots single handed quest to impregnate every underage womb in the Pac NW. Dipshitiot has 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas (two were underage when they had their children). My SS is his eldest and our only.
It is not too late for you to set the example for your SS of what a man, father and husband of character is by setting and enforcing the rules of the home. Your bride has a choice. Step up and participate or forever bite her lip. You have the duty to provide this example for your 2yo or you will suffer the same or worse when that child is 10yo.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Sydnay: with all due respect,
Sydnay: with all due respect, this was a rant. Despite the fact that you know about as much of me and my sitch as Rags or dtzyblnd, you are way off base, and both D and R were right on the money. I feel sorry for the kid; his mom raised him for most of his life without a male in his life. Doesn't matter what approach I take, doesn't matter what I say: when both parents in the house (bio and step) are not on the same page, the kids suffer. Family counseling: been there, done that, paid the bill and that's $ and time that I'll never get back. I'm not giving up, not by a long shot - but something's gotta give...
On further thought ....
On further thought .... Though nurture can prodominantly overcome nature even effective and quality nurturing cannot completely overcome all of the nature element of a kid who is cursed with half of their gene pool as shallow and polluted and has to suffer even infrequent visits with the genetically polluted clan.
My SS spent no more than 7wks per year with the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan and often far less than that. The CO'd visitation schedule was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, and 1wk spring. During a couple of the 16+ years under the CO they took him not at all. Regardless, when a visitation was looming SS would start a major degredation in behavior a couple of weeks before he left for Sperm Land visitation and we had several weeks of post visitation behavioral de-tox when he came home from visitation.
Your SS recognizes that his Bio Dad is not a good influence and when his own behavior emulates his Sperm Idiot's he recognizes that that is not a good thing. My Skid struggled with similar conundrums. The good news is that at least for my Skid nurture did win out over nature and at 21yo my SS clearly recognizes that his Sperm Idiot is a worthless POS and that the Sperm Clan is generally no better than the Sperm Idiot.
You are right about how critical the age of the Skid is when a Sparent comes in to the picture. The younger the better is seems.
Regards,
Ah, I feel bad for both of
Ah, I feel bad for both of you actually. The kid doesn't sound SO bad, honestly. Typical 10 year old brat with parents who don't actually parent. That's hardly his fault. But it's not YOURS either, and I feel for you having to live with that!
I agree with the posters who've pointed out that your DW needs to step up to bat here. What does she do when SS interrupts conversations? Forgets his one chore? Asks questions with obvious answers? Those are pretty normal kid things, but it's a parents JOB to help kids learn not to do them! I think you and DW need to have a talk about expectations and how she's failing her kid.