3 years disengaged, But last week tested my sanity

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I've read Steptalk for a bit over 3 years now. I posted once and received fabulous advice about disengaging. At the time I was engaged to this man. We are still together (over 9 years) because he's a good guy when it's just the two of us. When Princess comes I get my dog and go out, sometimes for the day, sometimes for the weekend.
I have found peace knowing I don't have to act like a parent. I have a few times been sucked back in to the disfunction but don't beat myself up, instead brushing myself off and setting off right where I left off. I recently faltered again and am having a hard time getting back on the bus.
Princess has been spoiled since I've known her. Now that she's a teen she demands a few hundred dollars every time she's here to go to the mall, she TELLS "daaaaaddddddyyyyy" what he is to cook for her, how many friends she will have over for dinner and how many kids will be sleeping over. It's not unusual to have 5 girls for dinner and a sleepover. I haven't cleaned her bedroom for years nor have I gone in there, up until last weekend when there was a water spot on the ceiling under her bedroom. I walked in and it's as if a bomb exploded and spewed not only clothes, shopping bags, receipts and water bottles on the floor, but released noxious fumes that smell like a combination of dirty ass and rotting animals. There were no less than a dozen water bottles in a pile and they had soaked through the floor to the ceiling below. I took a breath and told myself, "it's not your house, it's not your problem" and dumped a bag of new clothes on the wet spot to sop it up. Then through the filth I saw why she's always saying, "Daaaaaddddyyyy I NEED clothes! I have nothing!" It's because she has about 25 loads of dirty laundry sitting in the corner. Now the last time she did laundry she packed it so tightly that the washer broke. It was an inconvenience to me because I had to go days before it was fixed, but since I was disengaged I said "fuck it, I'll take my laundry to a friends house".
I couldn't get over the smell and this is where I made the big mistake... I investigated when I should have just walked out and told SO to go up there... Curiosity killed the cat I guess lol! In her bathroom the garbage is about 6 inches deep on the floor. The smell was coming from used sanitary napkins that were removed and just thrown open on the floor. I literally gagged and started dry heaving. I was so infuriated that I allowed myself like an ass to take an interest in her YouTube account to see if she actually filmed in this pigsty.
I never looked at one of her videos because I didn't care, but this day I looked and it threw me over the edge. Not only was she video taping all throughout the house (evidently when I was out with the dog) but she taped in my bedroom (SO snores like a banshee so we have different beds), my workout room and in the laundry room where my bras and panties were hanging behind her to dry. Princess won't do her laundry but will stand in the laundry room to make her idiotic YouTube videos?!
The next day I sat down with SO and had a talk. I told him everything and his first response was, "they're not her maxipads because she doesn't have her period. She would have told me" to which I asked him if he realized how fucktardish he sounded. Did we have some hobo coming in the house and leaving her used pads on his daughters floor? So he admitted that maybe she didn't tell him and I saw he was hurt at the thought (not my problemo pal, take it up with princess). Then it became a long string of excuses for princess. Not that I expected anything different because God forbid if Princess is held accountable. In the end he said he'd handle it, which turned out to be him talking to her on the phone today and promising to take her out this weekend to see a play she wants to see. Not one mention of the filth that exists upstairs.
Ok ok... I know where I made my mistakes lol. I'm just having a really difficult time today resetting my "I don't give a shit" meter when it comes to her and my "you're not a total loser" meter for him, because I've been so detached from them that it's been invisible to me the amount of power he's handed to her.
Sorry I rambled!!! I'm just having one of those days. Haven't had once I posted here 3 years ago!

How can you have sex with

How can you have sex with your partner when surely you have no respect for him?? That would be the first thing that disappears! That and then me leaving to find my own place so I don't have to deal with the toxic dysfunction anymore..and get peace. In some way, saying nothing condones it.

Being disengaged from his

Being disengaged from his daughter meant I wasn't seeing what was going on between them as I wouldn't be here 99% of the time when she was here. I turned a blind eye and it's my fault that I became complacent to live two lives... One with him and one on my own to hope he'd step up and become a parent. But now that this happened... You're absolutely right!! You hit the nail on the head.. Thank you I can't think about being intimate with him right now because all respect was sucked out of me when I heard the million excuses.

OMGosh you are doing so well

OMGosh you are doing so well with your disengagement; much better than I could do. Teen years are off the planet, be prepared for even more; which means you will need to put a stronger battery in your "I don't give a Sh@#@#t meter".

I would drop it all and show SO the water spot on the ceiling; let him handle the repair, or not. If this is not your home, treat it like your disengagement from SD. I would never mention going into her room again and I wouldn't NEVER go in the bedroom again. The U-Tube account will only get worse with SD; protect yourself, your dog, your belongings, and never look at any of her social media again. What you are doing, by going into her room, seeing the pig pen,looking at her social media is "breaking your meter". Don't subject yourself to this trashy mess. If the washer breaks, tell SO you need a new washer or "please have it fixed for us", that his princess overloaded it and let it go. I would not do SO's laundry, just take yours to a friends when needed. This problem you described is not yours, let SO handle SD, because it will shatter your disengagement to get involved.

The other solution: Set house rules, boundaries, and shovel out the mess; but then again that will only be a continual battle. I hope you have your own $$$$ for escape. How do you do it????

Stay disengaged; I am speaking from 30+ years of trying and have been working at my disengagement for the past six years. If I had it to do over, I would get my own place to live and have SO visit when he's invited. Good Luck!

That's disgusting. I couldn't

That's disgusting. I couldn't handle that. And posting videos of your personal space and lingerie?! Did you show the video to DH? I would love to know what he said about the video. My DH would flip his sh*t if someone posted anything intimate of mine.

And I would have a maid service come clean the bathroom and her bedroom which would come out of DH'S account. And every item of clothing on the floor goes to donation.

I'll try and remember all the

I'll try and remember all the questions asked

Why tell her father she got her period? I'll answer from what I believe is his view. He's in the medical industry and she's fine asking dad to come and look at a rash under her chest, she began early puberty and was taken to a doctor for it, and from my point of view he sees himself so much as her buddy that I feel he expects things like that to be shared. Of course there's always the thought that, at 13, she can't run to Walmart and buy her own sanitary napkins.

Yes he is definitely one of these fathers who would rather not parent. Not out of laziness but out of fear, guilt, wanting to be the super dad, and cool. Its impossible for a father like this to be lazy when it's a nonstop party every other weekend. I don't participate in these parties nor do I financially mix funds so he's welcome to break HIS bank to satisfy Her wants and needs.

Oh, uhm.... The WiFi password? Well... In the past her phone (that's in BM's name but paid for with CS) has mysteriously been deleted from the list of approved devices on the wireless network }:) The weirdest thing is it won't work but then when she sits with daaaaddddyyyy to show him it works again. (Thank you cable provider for creating the app to do this right on my... I Mean ANY iPhone lol)

I haven't done her laundry, cooked for her or engaged with her for years. The cooking stopped about a year and a half ago because I'd make something and there wouldn't be enough for her friends and she'd whine or she would tell dad "there will be 5 of us for dinner" and I'd make enough food and then she'd call 5 minutes before dinner to say so and so's mom is making something better so they're not eating here. After months and months of lunacy and arguments between me and SO I told him, "You want to give Princess the power when it comes to dinner? So be it. I don't cook anymore when she's here.. You do it. You fret and guess how much or how little food to make and you deal with your daughter". He buys the food in the house so if he wants to throw away food because she decided to eat elsewhere and refuses to eat leftovers... All good. It works out fine for him because I hear him during the week on the phone asking her what her requests for the weekend are, so as long as daaaaddddyyyy is ordering fast food, making tacos, burgers, and all the shitty food she likes he gets to be the awesome dad.

SO didn't have anything to say about the youtube video other than, "give me a list of approved places that she can video" so I said, "her bedroom and the basement. Do you need me to write it down?" What I forgot to mention was her latest video with my intimate apparel making its world debut included her telling the world her birthday including year, the town she lives in, and many other personally identifying comments. I asked SO why he would allow this as it can not only put her in danger but anyone who wants to break in can now see exactly what we have and where it's located. There wasn't much of a response from him other than "I'll handle it" and I know that is his stance because of my disengagement for so long now.

Yesterday I heard him on the phone with the BM. He told her, "Maybe we need to start paying attention to daughter's online activity. I don't know if you look at her phone, her Instagram, her YouTube videos before she posts them but I don't. She hasn't done anything wrong (WHAT?! No, no, one tired chick, stay disengaged and don't give a shit) and I'd like to make sure she doesn't in the future". BM intellectually is a few steps behind most of us on the evolutionary chain so naturally she said she has no idea how to check up on her daughter online. But damnit if you ask her what's 35.9234% off those new $500 Stuart Weitzman boots she can figure that bad boy out in record time lol. Priorities, right? :?

Sammigirl... I'm going to look for those new batteries.

You are a Saint, because you

You are a Saint, because you WILL stay disengaged and let this little twit hang herself.

The whole disengaging process

The whole disengaging process is like having a raging yeast infection and being told to stop thinking about how much it itches. With enough determination we can learn to live with that "new normal", but the itch is still there.

You're right, there's probably 15 or so loads including the two sets of sheets, blankets and comforters from her bunk beds that are on the floor, summer clothes, last years winter clothes and every pair of panties and bras she owns here. I assume she goes commando. Oddly enough I'm not missing any towels so I guess she's been using the same towel for a year. :sick:

Seeing how she broke the washer the last time she used it from over stuffing it, in her eyes there's 2 loads lol!

The whole disengaging process

This is the best definition I have ever heard!!! And it is spot on!

The disengaging process is

The disengaging process is all of this; but if you attempt to destroy the itch, you could go to prison. Sometimes, I realize it seems worth it, but NOT.

This is why I'm on SD12's

This is why I'm on SD12's bedroom and bathroom.
It's our house and therefore I can make big decisions.
I can see how you have to walk away if it's not your house.
I think I would absolutely loose my mind if water started coming through the ceiling and stuff is 6" high on floors, including trash. Even if it wasn't my house.

We had a rodent infestation our rental house and even though I wasn't on the lease, I damn well made sure that things were kept clean as possible because otherwise yes, it directly effected me. Have you made sure there's no pest problem as well; rodents/bugs?

And in our new home it reached a pinnacle a couple weeks ago and I just got rid of stuff.
And if it gets to the disaster state again, I'm going in, with no warnings and clean sweeping everything up. I make a clear distinction between messy and dirty/uninhabitable. Is she a hoarder? Seriously?

BM has called her a hoarder

BM has called her a hoarder since she was 6 or so, but always saying it as she was doing her BroomHilda cackle laugh. I know for a FACT BM doesn't let Princess get away with this at her house. But different houses, different rules and Princess knows it. I remember years ago having to throw away dozens of those little white plastic table looking things pizza parlors put on the middle of the pie to prevent the box top from sticking to the cheese. Princess HAD to have every one and would put them in her room. Her reason? "I'm really good at arts and crafts and these would be GREAAAAAT to use". Did she ever use ONE? Of course not. And now it's the shopping bags stuffed in the walkway between her bed and the wall. I am beating myself up over ever going in there because if I hadn't have seen it I wouldn't be looking for industrial batteries for my "I don't give a shit" meter to deal with the PTSD I have from this ordeal.

We don't have bugs or rodents thankfully. To be honest I'm quite surprised there's no bugs in that room.

We all hope disengaging will give us peace as well as allowing the BP to step up and actually begin parenting. It's disheartening when instead we find out that the neglect has become so prevalent that IMO it's bordering on abuse. We see elder abuse in nursing homes. The elderly have lost the ability to care for themselves and become victim to negligence and abusive caretakers. We see it in animal abuse. A dog doesn't have the ability to crack open a can of food or turn on the faucet. In this line of thinking, a child isn't born with the skill sets needed to become a productive member of society. It's the parents job to instill these skills. In this house SO is raising an unprepared and unskilled child and will then foster this same woe is me attitude when she's an adult because he'll blame everyone else, her boss, her friends, her husband when she can't function in society. .... Sorry I caught myself when I started getting too deep lol!

That's when I call and get

That's when I call and get the room fumigated and SO can pay for it. Believe me, this is not the way I lived before nor is it something I am familiar with. Disengaging is not normal in so far as I don't believe it's anyone's first choice. Normal is trying and succeeding at having a happy family. This is what happens when the 3+ people existing in the same home can't get along, and for the sake of sanity the choice is made to stop making yourself crazy. Instead you realize the child/children is/are not yours and the pushback you get from the BP is making the grand statement that THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD AND YOU DONT HAVE PERMISSION TO PARENT THE WAY YOU SEE FIT.

In all honesty I don't want my SO to have the authority to make medical decisions for my dog. He's sick and I happily spend my money on different treatments and medications. My SO isn't a dog person and has already said if it was his dog he would have put him to sleep. That doesn't mean he's nasty to my dog, rather it's my baby. I'm not nasty to his child, rather she's his baby.

This mindset has taken years to get comfortable with and you can see I still have my insane moments. IMO it would be ridiculous of me to think that my way is the right way in everyone's eyes. And as ridiculous as I think SO's parenting ways are, Princess is not a reflection of me nor am I responsible for the way she turns out.

After all these years, I

After all these years, I still have insane times. That's why I'm running away to my family for Christmas and leaving DH to Skids at SD's house up the street. I'm going out of town to keep from having a melt down; I am looking forward to it and this is the first time I've been away from DH on holidays in the 36 years we've been married. It has come to this for me to stay sane and not commit a regretful sin (murder).

I understand you and hope you stay the high road.