any advice re: 16 year old?

Forums:

hi all,
I've been with my man for 8 months. his daughter (16) hates me and has made that very clear. She told her dad this week that she refuses to come down to visit if I am around or if he has contact with me. She said if you have to have her around and be in touch with her (via text) then I'm not coming to visit. ugh. in the past she has announced she's coming down and plans would all change but he quickly learned that's not an option....cancelling on me cos she decides to come down. she lives about an hour away and comes down every other weekend. anyone have advice? she told him very clearly that she's not willing to share his attention with me. and why do I need to "tag-along" clearly I wont be hanging out with them and we are working on ways to get her to adjust and accept that he and I plan on building a life together.

he did tell her it's not realistic to expect him to have zero contact with me when she's here and that we will eventually be moving in together so ....

I'm very thankful to have found this board. I have a lot of negative feelings towards this young woman and it has helped a LOT to know I'm not alone.

Why does she object to you

Why does she object to you so? Are you Dad's first real GF or does she just not like the idea of Dad being with anyone?

Not even contact you? Ha-ha, poor silly little girl. Is she planning on building a cage to keep Daddy in for the rest of his life? He is going to have to let her know he does love her, but he will not allow his child to run his life.

She will adjust once she sees

She will adjust once she sees that DADDY isn't going to let her pick his GF.
Maybe he could remind her that he doesn't tell her who she is/is not allowed to date!

Dad needs to let her know

Dad needs to let her know that if she controls who he sees he gets the same rights over her friends and boyfriends. And he takes a day off school to hang out with her seeing he 'wants their own time together'. He needs to make such a pest of himself that she will call you pleading to take him off her hands. Oh and his credit/debit card is 'lost'.

Or... he created this monster by pandering to her every whim when he got divorced and now she thinks she makes the rules.

Either way I would not get in her face just yet. Give him a couple of months to sort her out. Then 'reward' him for his great parenting skills with an anniversary weekend away!

I don't know why anyone would

I don't know why anyone would think that this girl is being coached. Don't most girls want to spend time with the parent they hardly ever see? Why should she share her dad with anyone? Skids can't win here. They aren't wanted by most SMs and when the skid wants nothing to do with the SM they get blasted as well. Why can SMs demand their way, but skids can't? At this point in my life, after years reading on here and my own experience, people need to stop dating if they are single w/ kids and they certainly need to stop shacking up. We are fucking kids up right and left and nobody notices or cares. It's what, maybe 4 days out of the month? I'm sure we can all entertain ourselves for 4 days out of the month. Let the girl have her dad and get a hobby.

"Don't most girls want to

"Don't most girls want to spend time with the parent they hardly ever see?"

mine doesnt. in fact, she texts her mother constantly when she is at our house. and that's if she comes, half the time she refuses to come.

Of course the daughter would

Of course the daughter would want to have her fathers undivided attention; who wouldn't? I do not know the situation with father and girlfriend but my DH works away 20 days a month and we only see each other on the weekend. DH would like to spend time with everyone and he should decide with me how that is going to work. Setting boundaries with kids and helping them understand that manipulation is not the route to getting what you want is crucial to building functioning, compromising adults. Girlfriend is not saying its "them or me" she is asking for compromise.

My SD was just turning 15

My SD was just turning 15 when DH and I started dating, so I know the attitude all too well. DH made the mistake of telling SD my age (I'm 15 years younger than DH and 20 years younger than BM) so she gave a lot of attitude for a while. In the beginning I wasn't around every other weekend when she was there, and then slowly transitioned into being around. About 6 months in she started saying "I'm not going to visit you if she's there" so DH didn't see her. DH did not cave into her demands. She's the kid, he's the adult, and the kids don't get to choose their parents or their parents' partners. DH would invite her to fun activities with us, and she said no, so they didn't see each other for a few months. I did leave them alone on Christmas and her birthday. Eventually SD got over it. We've never seen her regularly, but she has her own life. She will be 24 in a few weeks. For the first time in almost 10 years, SD came to visit my children (her half brothers) without DH being home. She now arranges all visits with me.

DH was never one to introduce girlfriends to SD unless it was serious. I'm only the second girlfriend (now wife) that SD had ever met since DH and BM's divorce.

I agree that this is an issue

I agree that this is an issue for dad to address. I get that the girl needs time with dad, but to make such demands that he can't even text you while she is visiting is a bit much! And here is why I say this (to the person who thinks we SM's are just always down on the kids), you KNOW that a 16 year old girl is not going to ignore HER phone while on a visit with daddy, and she will be texting her friends, her boyfriend, etc. So if the girl wants to try to implement the "pay attention to only me" rule on visits, dad has the same right! You know what will happen the instant he demands the same undivided attention? "But, but, but...you can't tell me I can't talk to my friends!"..."It's just a little texting...I'm still spending time with you"...etc.!

I mean put it into perspective...if the divorce never happened. Mom and dad would go out on dates WITHOUT the kid. They may even take a vacation WITHOUT the kid. Why? Because we are still adults who will hopefully have a relationship well past the child leaving the house and going off to do their own thing! The health of our marriage depends on us having alone time with our spouse that isn't just the hour or so before we sleep after the kids go to bed! If mom and dad were still married, she would still be sharing dad's attention with mom!

In this day and age, there are too many entitled brats who think they have to be the center of attention their every waking hour! They don't care that mom or dad has a life, and that they deserve adult happiness!

So, sounds like dad needs to sit down the girl and have a talk with her. She is 16...in a couple of years, she will be off living her life (we can hope). She has to understand that dad has the right to have adult female companionship...someone he can share adult things with (and I'm not talking about just sex). You, the OP, are lucky she is 16. If you do love this man, 2 years is not really all that long to wait to seriously start your lives together. That is, as long as dad can set those boundaries with his daughter.

It's ridiculous that a 16

It's ridiculous that a 16 year old should be dictating terms to her dad. She's not a rival military power pondering a summit at Camp David. Either she'd like to spend time with her Dad or she wouldn't. Dad is in charge of his own life. To a great extent he's in charge of hers, too. She should show up cheerful and ready to experience Dad's world. Period. Dot. (nod to Dtzy)

When she's the one paying a thousand or more a month to Dad and is legally liable for all HIS screwups then maybe she can think about exerting some influence. Until then, this is your dad, cherish him.

thank you to all that

thank you to all that responded. I'm very glad to have found this group.

to "on the fence" hmmm..well of course I take a risk by posting online, that someone will respond the way you did. I actually have more than a hobby - I am a mother of 2 and a business owner.

The issue is bigger than days here and there - the issue is that she sure has had her own way for most of her life. She objects to her dad giving me ANY attention. it's not me personally that she dislikes since she doesn't really know me. My concern is the long term and if he will always do what she dictates. Yes, it's the boundaries that concern me.

I am indeed fortunate that she is 16, I agree (and not 12). She actually IS being coached by her mom who is very angry with her ex husband. Unfortunately, the BM is unable to deal with her anger without sucking the daughter into it.

The concern is how will she behave in the future and how will he handle it. SHe has been extremely rude and moody during past visits and now this new demand that I never be around when she's here. It's worrisome.

Hold the judgement, thank you. I came here for support and sharing, not to be judged.

thanks ladies!

The advice I can give is that

The advice I can give is that HE needs to figure out what to do, not you. If he wants to stay with you and cannot control his daughter being mean to you then you are totally within your rights to leave or to only see him when his daughter is away. This isn't your problem to solve, even as much as you want to be able to do something. Attempts to make her like you aren't going to work on a 16 year old but perhaps her dad can help her figure out why she hates you. If I had to guess its got nothing to do with you at all, it has to do with her feelings of being threatened by the relationship. He can fix that if he makes her feel secure enough.

thanks ladies. Sally, it was

thanks ladies.

Sally, it was the comments about how I need to get a hobby etc. that were not so great I appreciate you all responding. many thanks. I do wish he'd tell her those things about how committed we are and how I'm not going anywhere...but instead his focus is on her.

Bible of dreams, you're right she does feel threatened - it's not me personally that she hates, but the fact that her dad has a partner.

yes, I understand - it's much

yes, I understand - it's much easier when we remain busy. I'm glad you have found what works for you. my man and I had a very rough few days and almost broke up (my doing) but we are working through it. He said he has told her she must respect that we are building a life together and she can NOT call he shots. He also wants to give her alone time with just the 2 of them so she can feel reassured that I'm not stealing him away. He wants her to feel loved and wanted as she was before. I get it. He has a very big heart and hates anyone to feel hurt so he's walking that fine line. I know I'm the adult and I have to deal with her attitude.

here's to a challenging weekend. I will be working most of the time so hopefully it will just pass and we will be ok.

IMHO the reason SD's behave

IMHO the reason SD's behave like they own their Father's is due to the way they were raised by their Fathers. They have been taught and shown that they are the apple of his eye.. they bond and it holds strong. He lets her believe that she is the most precious princess in his life and he can't do enough for her. He spoils her, puts her on a pedestal and gives her the impression that he won't make a move without her. Disney Dad's in this case are the result when ex-wife abandons ship, leaving Dad to deal (which is what happened in my case).

In extreme cases, therapy doesn't even help. It is up to the Dad to learn from this and start to be an actual parent. Dad has to be the one to teach his daughter that she must respect his partner - whether they are married or not. Dad has to teach his kids that they need to respect HIS choice in a partner and they need to adapt. They don't have to like her - as long as they respect her.

If he fails to do this - then he's failing YOU as his partner.

SD15 was like this. She had years of therapy, but unfortunately, she has the full support of her BM, who allows her to behave however she likes. If she disrespects her Dad..oh well. SD tried many, many times to break us up through sheer emotional maniuplation. If we hadn't gone to see a Counsellor, she probably would have succeeded.

Your DH needs to step up and if she still refuses to respond - then let her go. He'll have you for the rest of his life - she will move on with hers.

Edited to add: It would also help if BM was on board - unfortunately, the problem gets much worse when the Mom supports the kid in the disrespect.

My advice: For damned sure

My advice: For damned sure if this man gives in to the demands of his bitchy little 16yo crotch dribble he is not in your life for one second longer.

Never abdicate your place in your adult relationship to a child. Ever.

A child regardless of their age is never a party to the adult relationship at the center of any family included blended families. The child, if a minor, can benefit from the relationship but they are not a party to the relationship. Any partner that gives a kid status in the adult relationship needs to find themselves single immediately. Kids are the top responsibility of the adult partners in the relationhip but the relationship is the top and unequivocal priority. Period.

If not, find a new partner.

You had me at........ "He

You had me at........
"He said he has told her she must respect that we are building a life together and she can NOT call the shots."

But then lost me at......
"He also wants to give her alone time with just the 2 of them so she can feel reassured that I'm not stealing him away."

NO NO NO NO NO. She is 16 FFS not 6. Your partner will be ENCOURAGING this mini-wife-in-training with these daddy-daughter dates. Why does your partner want to give adult/partner status to his DAUGHTER??? Why does he want to go on dates with his daughter??? Eeeewwwww eeeeewwww eeeeeewwwww.

I'm not trying to say that your partner is physically or sexually attracted to his daughter, not at all. But, he IS elevating her status to that of girlfriend/wife/partner and not treating her like the kid she is.
Nor am I saying that dads and daughters shouldn't do things together. My dad and I do all the time. But they are NOT daddy-daughter date night.

thanks everyone for your

thanks everyone for your feedback. I don't know what to do. I agree with every point made and some of them differ lol.

she's coming to visit tomorrow from 9am to 7pm.a lot of shit has gone down since my initial post and I had decided to simply stay away 100% during her visit. He wants time to integrate her into this situation (of me and my kids, and he an I being together). I can respect that...AND she's been such a bitch that I currently cannot stand her and have no desire to be around her when I could enjoy the day with my own kids and focus on my own life.

yesterday the BM was texting my man like crazy with threats to me, via him (she googled me and found my last name, said she wants to talk to me, said she is calling my work etc etc) I just ignored....the problem is she is adding her nastiness to the daughter. SD lives with her mom and her mom is very mean and angry 'cos she didn't get what she wanted in the divorce.

he told SD you have to respect my relationship and accept that J (me) is in my life. she said "no I do not have to accept it." so here we are....

I want to respect his plan to just have the day alone with her as he hasn't seen her in several weeks...and like I said she's horrible and I'd rather enjoy my day than deal with her attitude. Yet I agree with a previous poster re: why should I have to stay away to keep her happy??? she DOES have to accept that he and I are building a life together.

I also agree with the person who said the SD is like that 'cos she's been put on a pedestal, treated like a princess etc - she has and you're right. that's why she refuses to accept that her dad loves another woman. how could he!????

I'm trying very hard to not let SD and ex wife destroy my relationship so I am trying to take care of myself and my kids, yet not have her dish out her BS whenever she wants and get her own way. oh I get so mad when I think about her and the crap she's doing.

it's exhausting.

thank you all for listening and responding
hugs

well things are a complete

well things are a complete mess today and I'm a wreck. I haven't slept at all. my man is with his daughter today and told me he "will send me an occasional text but we won't be able to converse the way we normally do" he announced last night that his daughter has talked to her brother (who I have been getting along great with) and HE wanted to talk to me to explain that she is crying all the time and so upset and needs time alone with her dad uninterrupted so she can come to terms with us being in a relationship.

I have explained to him that I have no problem with him having alone time to make her feel secure and not as threatened by me - so she can see Im not taking her dad away. BUT I DO have a problem with him shutting me out like this. I texted him a question and he is ignoring me 'cos she threw a fit last time he texted me when they were together. this is such bullshit. his response to me is Im trying to control the situation and I refuse to think about how she feels and refuse to give him time to help her integrate into our rel. there is no integration tho!

I was doing great, we'd talked and reconnected well after our last big fight over this, I was looking forward to having my own time with my kids and not worried about what he was doing with his daughter today but now here I am. sickened and so upset. I told him if he had talked with me on how we can both help her deal with our rel - so he can reassure her AND respect me at the same time it would have been fine, but instead he made a plan, told me what that plan is (alone time every other Saturday when she comes down 9am to 7pm) with minimal contact with me. I am furious and so very upset right now - and completely sleep deprived

thanks for listening. I wish I could talk to a therapist today.

You might be able to google a

You might be able to google a therapist that can skype with you. I've heard that's the latest. Do you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) through work or through your medical? You may be able to find a number you can call for emergency help over the phone, like a hotline.

Your DH is STILL putting SD on a pedestal. He needs to quit catering to her and tell her to suck it up already. Too fucking bad that she is crying all of the time at BM's. That's because BM is filling her head with shit and causing her even more angst.

As much as DH wants to help his daughter and console her, he is not doing her (nor himself) any favors. SD will continue to work this as long as she can. You should be able to text DH and get an answer anytime you want. SD needs the boundaries from DH, NOT YOU!!!!

Tell him to try and implement THAT FFS. I feel for you. I'm so sorry. My SD19 comes home from college in a few weeks and I'll probably go live in a hole somewhere.......

~ Moon

Here GF, it's a

Here GF, it's a start.......

http://www.psychotherapist.net/crisis-hotlines.htm

I would try the first number. Esp since you have some alone time and privacy.

thanks Moon. I need to do a

thanks Moon. I need to do a big cry so I can finally sleep. I'm so hurt and angry. I don't have insurance - well I have medi-cal which is very problematic to say the least. I'm feeling desperate today cos he has pushed me away like this and refuses to have contact. it's driving me crazy. yesterday I was totally fine and looking forward to gardening, shopping etc...today I cant even eat or function.

I told him she will keep this going as long as she can. he said you refuse to think about how she feels and you refuse to give me time to work her into this. I really, really hate when the stress makes me this sick. I cant believe he's now ignoring me so she doesn't get mad that he texted me!

I'm sorry about SD - that has got to be awful, waiting for that date to arrive.
thank you for your support.

thank you. I will give it a

thank you. I will give it a shot.

I looked at the list, thank

I looked at the list, thank you Moon. I think I will call the therapist I used to see years ago during my divorce and make an apt on Monday and just pay out of pocket. she already knows me and I know how she works - very much solution focused. in the mean time I will write in my journal and try to eat and sleep a bit.

so angry and hurt. I know he is panicking a bit today as his daughter did a good number on him last night (told her brother she hates her dad right now) so he is panicking...but I don't see why showing his love for her means reducing me - removing me and contact with me to soothe her. I'm not the bad guy, I have done nothing wrong. it hurts it really hurts.

you ladies are amazing. thank

you ladies are amazing. thank you so much. you are right - I do want to stay away, its how he is handling it that has me very worried and yes feeling very replaced, rejected and disrespected. I am hoping I can cry so I can finally get a nap - no sleep last night over the fight we had.

yes, he has done this before but never this bad. usually we all spend an hour or so together and he stays in touch...it varies...but lately she has been throwing big fits and threats and he's terrified to he believes giving her everything she wants is the solution. he sure is parenting out of fear right now. and showing her that I am NOTHING to him. we were doing better over this - but the way she really acted up and pulled on his heart blew our relationship to pieces last night and today.

Forever; I did cry this week when we talked as I told him she's manipulating, she has him wrapped around her finger and he refuses to stand up to her and im concerned about what kind of future we could have in these conditions???? my tears don't work tho as you can see by todays actions.

I agree also about not moving in with him until I see how this dynamic is going to be in the long run. I don't see it changing but maybe I'm just scared. he's a very loving man and has a ton of qualities I greatly admire and value...this isn't one of them.

Once the BM started started

Once the BM started started trying to make a streetfight with you or whatever she was trying I would have been out. Then on top of that your fella showed you how he's going to "handle" his 16 year old kid. By spitting in your face and running after her like the guy in the cartoon who follows the elephants with the broom.

Janemae, I know this guy is great when all of these people--daughter, ex-wife, even son--are in the shadows and little more than abstract concepts to you. But he is now showing you what life will be like and what HE will be like when you get any closer. You will have a stalker (BM) and a terrorist (SD) right in your home and every aspect of your life. You will be sleeping not with your protector and ally but with a politician who would rather blame you than take any blame himself.

It is so hard to see that now in the front end when he is (mostly) wonderful in your eyes and all things seem possible. But after moving in you will live in the constant state of upset that you experienced this weekend. Your odds of having a happy life with him are very, very low.

You would be doing yourself a favor if you told him calmly after she's gone that you wish him the best but you now realize that you two do not form the partnership you were looking for. Adieu. You probably won't do that so at least consider halting your move-in plans. Tell him having crazy women call you (BM) and teens turning your weekends upside down is not really for you so you'd like to just date now and keep more space built in to your schedules at all times so you don't even notice when he "disappears" for entire weekends.

When he gets angry and starts accusing you of not being concerned about the needs of a kid (his daughter), you will start getting the strength you need to back further away. Just remind yourself this blaming of you and scapegoating of you will only get worse and more intense as you enter that family circle.

Really, the man is undateable. You already love him so you can't see that yet. But you will. Only it will be much harder to extricate yourself then and your emotions will be exhausted and fried.

Just for reference, when I was 16 my mother dated a lot. She NEVER checked with me, or "eased" me into it. She was an adult and she made her plans. I had my own life going on and I made my plans, too. It is simply not true that a kid needs to be handled like a 200 million year old fossil DNA sample being transferred from the field to the lab.

The man does not have his baggage under control. He showed you this weekend where you fit on his priority list. Believe him.

Chief, that was a powerful

Chief, that was a powerful post and you are right. thank you for expressing it so well and taking the time to do so. I'm definitely not moving in with him and had already told him last week that we should have only dated once a week or so rather than become so heavily involved only to be now dealing with this. he said well I was looking for a real relationship, not just dating so sorry we got so heavily involved. I have said that very same thing to him that he's not available nor is he ready.

I don't even recall posting about the BM - she googled my name, sent pics of me to hi, threatened to call my work..then today apologized to him - not me. yup it's a gigantic mess. they were married 23 years...as you can see there is no room for me a this inn.

See, he's already putting

See, he's already putting something on your shoulders instead of looking to man up or act as a responsible partner. "I was looking for a 'real' relationship" is not a decent response to a beloved partner saying she needs something to change.

My dh listens to me when I express discomfort or anger. Sometimes he gets testy or frustrated, but he NEVER just bats it back at me like a badminton birdie. He works WITH me to resolve my issue in a way we can both support. Then he owns it after that. Not perfect here yet but we have made a TON of progress and we have a real partnership which is why I choose to stay rather than flee.

I have a platonic friend who was quite a tomcat. Once he got the bright idea to fend off his commitment-seeking ladies by saying he was really in love with me. I started getting emails and phone calls from these women. I blocked them and hung up on them. Then I called him, gave him a piece of my mind, AND BLOCKED HIM, TOO. I am just not having that chaos in my life. No no no no no.

Your boyfriend may have many good qualities but he wants a woman, possibly ANY woman, who will work smoothly with the script he's got going. It's very troubling that he didn't bother to make you feel like he was so lucky to find YOU, in particular the you that is Janemae, for a 'real' relationship. Nah, in his view it was, "if you don't play this game, you'll be easily replaced."

Yes, you did mention the BM. Completely radioactive in my view. You're very welcome. We come to these boards for comfort and wisdom and I'm grateful for it and happy to pass along anything I've learned in return. Let us know how it all turns out.

I agree - I have been trying

I agree - I have been trying to tell him that I need partnership, to be included in problem solving etc..not told how its going to be. he said if I cant give him time he needs to deal with her then I'm just trying to get my own way. he wants "time" to work with her and when I have issue with how this is being managed Im trying to be controlling

I have asked for and insisted

I have asked for and insisted upon many, many changes in my Dh's parenting of his kids and in his handling of his ex-wife. I have not always gotten what I wanted but often I have. The one thing I have never, ever, not even one little time gotten is accused of being "controlling."

that made me unable to sleep

that made me unable to sleep all night long. I am asking for what I need - equates to me wanting my own way, demanding to control the situation ? the problem is he was married for 23 years. he's not used to dealing with any of this new set up and has some very bad habits that look right now as if they cannot be broken.

Yes. He does not know how to

Yes. He does not know how to be a real partner because he's got hot-buttons from a bad long-marriage or maybe it's just part of his own flawed character. Either way, you have a right and a responsibility to speak up about your own needs and him being unable to cope with that makes HIM unfit, not you.

yes, I agree. The core

yes, I agree. The core problem here is Im being pushed away, I feel abandoned an unheard and I am told Im refusing to give him time to deal with it. what Im refusing to do is accept being told how its going to be...I do want a partnership - NOT a supervisor or man and daughter who dictate and I'm left out in the cold. then he's shocked when I feel cold towards him and I want space and talk about breaking up!

Im seeing a therapist this week. if he's willing to go we can work on it ...if not then it's a done deal.

fight: do you mean I'm a

fight: do you mean I'm a transition person for him post divorce?

I found this on facebook

I found this on facebook today, knew I had seen it before. It's online counseling....

www.betterhelp.com

I hope you're doing ok tonight.

~ Moon

thank you moon! I will look

thank you moon! I will look at that now. I'm a little better as I got a nap so I can eat. I asked him via text if he's willing to go to therapy to address how this issue is being managed, he broke his daughters rules and texted me back a
"yes" (yes I'm being facetious) I'm not convinced anything will change much but at least I can have a few sessions to work on everything. I feel he has shown where he stands and nothing can change that...but I need to have that confirmed and I will then make a decision accordingly.

his phone has been on silent all afternoon, this kind of treatment drives me insane it really does. thank you for being there today - a crisis day for me.

wow, that resource seems amazing?!! $35 a month?? thank you so much! I signed up!

I had an online session with

I had an online session with a therapist on that site. she was straight to the point and said he has shown me where his priorities lie and I need to listen. we will try a few therapy sessions to see if there is any middle ground to be reached and if not...then I have to accept she comes before me and always will (she said he's doing the right thing by putting her first)

she also told me to attend a CODA meeting. I have never felt I have codependency issues here I have felt very angry that I'm being ignored tho and told how its going to be.

She got it half right and

She got it half right and half wrong. Yes, believe him when he shows you who he is. But WRONG WRONG WRONG stepdaughters and 2nd wives ARE NOT IN COMPETITION. Yes, he needs to provide for his child financially and emotionally but on WHAT PLANET does a kid tell dad or mom who they can and cannot see or talk to or how to spend their time?

You do have to be careful with these therapists. Many of them really have no idea what step issues are really like. The one I went to had this deficiency. She seemed to think if I was just "warm" then my quite damaged and aggressive SD would "like" me and all would be well. I shut her down and said I know how to make friends with kids and have been 100 percent successful at it with her brother and with many many other youngsters in my life. I am here NOT because I don't know my way around kids but because I'm going out of my mind in a difficult situation. That situation is a family dynamic that existed long before I came along and a kid who desperately needs boundaries with two parents who are dysfunctional with each other and therefore with her.

I don't know what you said to her to make her start talking CODA, that's between you and her. But the situation you described to us is a failure of your partner both AS a partner and as a parent. Period. Dot. As they say around here.

To spell it out even more, around here they have a saying: Kids are a parents first RESPONSIBILITY, but your spouse is your first PRIORITY. Those are two separate things. Another way of saying it is that the married couple has to be united, once the kids split the parents off from each other, the whole family breaks.

Sure, give therapy with this man a chance. But be very, very careful who you pick as the therapist. Do not hand your soul over to someone who thinks kids are imaginary magical creatures who spout gum drops and butterfly wings if adults just say the right incantations.

Even my counselor was able to take the soft focus lens off and start talking about how kid-centric homes are not actually good for kids. Only a counselor who is already at that point will really be able to help you. A 16 year old who is dictating terms to her dad and crying all the time has a problem and that problem is not you. Your counselor was off base on that count.

well I have an update. he

well I have an update. he told me he wants a 6 month break with zero contact. so that's that. he wants to focus on himself and his daughter.

Chief I totally agree with you. she told me to attend a CODA meeting in the first 2 minutes of talking - or less because I told her I object to being told to go away when SD is with him and him not being allowed to have contact with me.

I surrender this whole mess and want to focus on my own wellbeing and peace.

Well, there you go. Problem

Well, there you go. Problem solved. Wash your hands of him. You'll miss him and what you thought you had. But you really didn't have it.

One way I knew I was going to marry my guy was I found out he would back up the bus and come back for me if we ever got off track with each other. Your guy is showing you the opposite. And that simply can not work because life is full of bumps in the road.

So go ahead and grieve for a bit. Then thank your lucky stars you dodged that bullet.

In 6 months you won't even remember him. Hopefully you'll be enjoying a full social life without him and are so glad you don't have to spend a lot of time on ST venting your heart out about your miserable life with Moe and his Junior Miss Cruella!

Time to invoke the "Rags 3

Time to invoke the "Rags 3 Day Rule". Through decades of personal research on how to navigate the end of a relationship here is the Rags 3 Day Rule.

The end of a relationship only hurts the worst for 3 days. Every day after that it hurts a little bit less until eventually it is nothing but an upleasant memory that crops up upon occassion. Note*** If you re-engage at all the whole cycle resets. So ... don't re-engage.

File for divorce, own his ass, boot he and his toxic spawn out of the house, rekey the locks and move on with your life. Standing up for yourself and destroying the opposition is not re-engaging. That is part of moving on.

Enjoy your new life and when XDH calls you to re-engage in 6mos just laugh in his face as you go out for a nice dinner with friends or a new boy toy.

This is an uncontestable fact of relationship physics. Trust me it works.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

Thank you chief - I

Thank you chief - I appreciate everything you have done for me today. I agree - your man has to be rock solid WITH you. now he can focus on her entirely and she can be happy. that's all that seemed to matter once she kicked in at full speed.

Early in our courtship my dh

Early in our courtship my dh told sdthen12 that "CGU will be around for a long time--get used to it." Look for that guy, Janemae.

I have a great partnership, great support from my new in-laws, and a medium to low conflict BM. Even with all those advantages, steplife with at least one difficult kid is very stressful. Do not go into it with too many of those pieces stacked against you, it will kill you.

This has been a big day for you, Jane. I hope you're able to get in some self soothing like a hot bath and then get some peaceful rest. Tomorrow is a new day and a new life--approximately 300 pounds lighter! (180 pounds of Useless Man + 120 pounds of Sour Stepdaughter!)

thank you, Chief - yes it has

thank you, Chief - yes it has to be that way - child must accept the new mates existence and I never had that. She will be thrilled now to learn she has him all to herself. he told me she is not willing to compromise and not willing to integrate so - he had to choose and what a surprise.

tonight I will hopefully sleep and do nice things tomorrow. many, many thanks to everyone for your support. it has meant the world to me to be able to vent and have understanding and support.