Can you help me like my stepdaughter?
Hello – I am new to the site. Need a place to vent and get some good advice.
Ok – I have recently had enough of my 15-year-old stepdaughter. I have known her since she was eleven. My husband and her mom were never married and stopped trying to work it out when she was approx. 2 years old. My husband is 34 and I am 29. I have no other children, but my husband and I are now expecting -due May 28th. When I first came around I knew we might never have a lot in common but, she seemed like a nice kid. However, the more I was around her – I knew she didn’t treat her family with any respect (my husband and his parents). However, they continued to jump when she demanded it – my husband couldn’t discipline her – between her only being around every other weekend and his mom defending her every move. I do give him some of the responsibility for not correcting her actions over the years he has helped create this monster. Her mom sends her to a private catholic school – and in the last two years has been hounding us to pay for ½ of the school $5000.00 per year on top of the $500.00 mth child support and health insurance he already provides. We are fine with her going to a public school – even think she could pick up some post-secondary classes and get a head start on college. She is not respectful to him or his parents, rude, she has no concept of money, has no idea how to work, or even pick-up after her self. She only has one-word answers and is all attitude. She isn’t pleasant to be around - and combine that with the fact I have nothing in common with her I am at a loss of what to do or how to suck it up and like her for my husband’s sake. I have never even met her mom – I only saw her once. But, from what I gather she is acting very much like her mom, very dramatic and self absorbed. At first I tried to blame her actions on being a teenager, but am past that now!
I was always a tomboy – played sports and enjoyed being active, spending time with friends. I grew up on a farm and knew how to work – and what it was like to have responsibilities. She is very much a girly girl – does nothing to be active, is not involved in anything at school, still really into cats (weird-?), all boy crazy thinking she needs a boyfriend etc.
This is creating way too much drama for my liking – and I don’t like drama.
Another fear I have is how to raise my baby in a way to prevent this type of behavior.
I love my husband like crazy and am so tired of seeing him be so upset about how he is treated--but, am really afraid this could come between us. I am freaking out here.
So how can I improve this situation? Or can I really just refuse to be around when she is? Make other plans etc.? Also, how can I prevent this situation in our baby?
Also, I know I sound like a b*tch – but have really had enough.
You can prevent this with
You can prevent this with your child by being a good mother. You can do that.
The girl doesn't sound very likeable. Don't waste your time trying to like her.
Do not get involved in conversations with BM about paying for extras. All your DH has to say is "no" and then refuse to discuss it further. He has no need to have "discussions" with BM on this. Just a simple one word answer.
If your husband is upset about how he is treated he is the only one who can do anything about it.
Thanks! I hope I can be a
Thanks! I hope I can be a good mom. I have a really awsome mom - so if I can be as good as she was things should be great!
Guess I just feel guilty for not liking her, but am tired of trying. I think I will just stop wasting my time - trying to like her.
I hope my husband will change his attitude about being upset - and start using the word NO!
You can't make yourself like
You can't make yourself like her.
How you raise your child will determine how your child turns out. Luckily SD is old enough that she (hopefully) won't spend much time around your child to cause any bad influence that you will have to undo.
I did not like my own DD at
I did not like my own DD at that age much less someone elses kid. lol
Is she with you full time?
No - she is only there every
No - she is only there every now and then. She used to be there every other weekend. However she isn't anymore. Thank goodness!!! But, my husband wishes she was around more. And it he would like for them to have a better relationship. Makes me secertly happy she isn't around more. She was just here this past weekend. Ugh! They ended up fighting - because he never gets to see her.
UGH!
Some where some how I believe
Some where some how I believe we SMs are expected to like if not love these kids. If it happens, great, but when it doesn't these dads seem to look at us like we are flawed or have something wrong with us. I too am dealing with a SD I do not like and avoid like the plague and DH cannot understand why I do not and cannot force myself to feel something simply because he adores the ground she walks on.
I am curious to hear what the vet SMs have to offer as a way to deal...I could have been writing this post myself.
I'm a 12 year SM and your sd
I'm a 12 year SM and your sd is similar to mine. ALL children start pushing buttons and boundaries at that age, So it isn't just a step kid thing. The problem comes in when dads can't handle it and the child starts dictating to the parents. Usually the dad backs off, the child stays more often with the mom that encourages the child to not like going to the dads house. You see this over and over on this site. My osd eventually hated her dad and didn't speaK to him for a few years. Now osd is 23 with a 2 year old and she's basically treated politely as a visitor when she comes around. My dh does get upset at times and wishes his daughter was more involved with our family but honestly there is nothing that can change because this daughter chooses to keep herself separate. I wish I found this site years ago! I'm new and just found a place that has helped me realize I'm not alone and I'm not a terrible person for not liking or trusting my osd.
You will find your way. Believe everyone when they say that these children will never change. It gets worse as they get older
Thank you all very much! I
Thank you all very much! I know I am not the only one now! And I am pretty sure I am going to stop feeling guilty about the whole situation.
Oh man! CyndieMac and your
Oh man! CyndieMac and your post kcooper is EXACTLY what my DH and I are going through right now with his kids! It drives me absolutely CRAZY! It is word for word verbatum what Cyndie said! Our SD's live full time with mom, who decided to move a couple hours away. She literally made it impossible for my hubby to see his kids! We are lucky to see them maybe a whole week out of a year at this point. Their BM is a massive gold digger and is always trying to pull more funds from us as well and complains of having no money. BUT she always chooses the expensive route! (i.e. the private school vs. public school! They were in a great private school and she decided it was "below them" and without any discussion with us, pulled them out then demanded afterwards we pay half! (To which we said "forget it!" We had no choice in the matter! She does not get to choose our financial spend without our input. So if she hasn't talked to us about it, we won't help. She knows what her child support is, if she chooses to live outside her means, then that's her problem not ours!)
I'm learning that you don't have to like your sd's but you do have to come up with a compromise with you dh on how to deal with things. This is where I have gotten lucky, he acknowledges where he could have done better in the past, but is setting good boundaries now, which has really helped our relationship! Hang in there!
Do this - completely and
Do this - completely and thoroughly: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Wow. I just read that in its
Wow. I just read that in its entirety, and I am amazed at how simple it really seems. i feelthis may need to be implemented asap, as I am taken advantage of by all parties-SD, DH, AND even BM, if you can believe that. Huh. Thanks for sharing this very valuable info!
We both have a 15 year old
We both have a 15 year old SD..it can get crazy at times!!!
With SD, I look at her like cartoon characters. Don't feel bad for not liking her or having anything in common with her. When or if things change, its down the road anyways.
As for your child, tell yourself "at least my kid won't have SD's birth mothers influence". I bet you will make a great mother with a happy kid.
your sd sounds like mine! you
your sd sounds like mine! you are not alone and you are going to be a GREAT mom.
my bios are nothing like my sd. there is hope
Your SD sound like mine too.
Your SD sound like mine too. I know that part of her 'tude' is just typical teenage ADD and laziness, but I refuse to believe what everyone around me says. . . ."she's just a teenager. . . .she'll grow out of it." I call HUGE BULLSHIT on that one, because I know plenty of teens who do not display an eigth of the level of atti-"RUDE" my SD does. She gets laissez-faire parenting by BM, which is basically BM chalking up her poor parenting by inventing mental illness in her child. The only mh issues I see are some personality disorder and Munchausen AND Munchausrn by proxy. I cannot fully disengage as the previous poster suggested you do, but I will certainly be applying some of those principles, as I care for my SD. I worry about her future and Icare she has her basic needs met. I have been in her life since she was 8. She's now 16. I haven't 'liked' her since she was 12. But like the previous poster said, you don't have to like them, nor they you, but respect is important
Wow, I feel for you I really
Wow, I feel for you I really do. I have a 14 yr old SD who is, well basically a good kid and yet, I still struggle with not resenting her. I didn't raise her so she has habits that drive me insane. I'm not saying she's bad, only that we all have our foibles and my bio kids know mine. She's disrespectful to her father, she constantly seeks attention, etc.. (she's a good student, a pleasant child also),,, it's so hard. Before I admonish her for anything I make myself think, "what would I say if this behavior came from one of my bio kids?" ,, the moral here is, for me, it's difficult and my SD is generally a good kid. You probably will never like your SD and no one says you have to. I'd advise just take the high road as often as possible, try not to lash out and discuss calmly any issues with her dad. If she continues to be horrid, avoid her as best you can and maybe she'll get the hint that she's fairly unlikable and maybe that will bug her enough to improve.
oh boy do I EVER have some
oh boy do I EVER have some "like minds" for you! LOL My "skids" are so much like me and their Dad, it pisses their mother off, HAHA! BUT their older half sister is a COMPLETELY different story, she is JUST LIKE her mom...self absorbed, nasty, new boyfriend every week (as mom was till she landed hubby #3 and every other hubby, now shes working on this divorce were pretty sure *eyeroll*)repeated grades 2 or 3 times...anywho....my "skids" cannot STAND her. We've raised them with respect, INCLUDING self respect and for them a hello how ya doin is enough..her lying, dramatic, selfish way of being totally turns them off...and they lived with her the first 4/5 years of their life..so THERE IS HOPE! LOL!
When I was 29 and my SD was
When I was 29 and my SD was 15 she got pregnant by a druggie because she was having sex with random guys in the bathroom at her public school! Abracadabra! Do you like your SD a little more now?
If you don't naturally have a
If you don't naturally have a connection then there really much you can do. I don't feel anything for my skids like I do my own. It's just not there.