Despise -- no, loathe -- my stepson

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I hope someone can help me try to figure out what to do. I've been with my ss's father for four years, but knew my ss for about three years before I met his father/my husband. All was well between our four children -- who have been living in different parts of the county -- my husband and my children, and between his children and me. That is until this past January. My ss (17) refused to return to his mother's house after his Christmas visit with us and has been here ever since. I'm not the perfect mom by any stretch of the imagination, but my two boys (15 and 17)are well behaved, stay out of trouble, make good choices, are polite, although they are teenagers and are far from perfect. My oldest has a pretty good relationship with my husband, but my husband doesn't like my 15-year old; or rather I should say he doesn't respect him. All in all we had a very happy home until my ss arrived. When he got here he was out of control, going to a nearby big city three nights a week to go to headbanger shows, staying out all night on the weekends, smoking pot and I don't know what all else. After a month of arguing about it, I finally convinced my husband that M had to abide by the same rules as my children. He chose to move in here, and so he has to live within the same structures that I have in place for my two. After that, things settled down for a while. There have been so many small issues that have come up (most of them over and over and over again), so many that it has gotten to the point where the accumulated mass of these has pushed me to where I despise my ss. It came to a head yesterday, and I don't know what to do. My husband and I honestly never had a cross word with each other until M arrived, and yesterday we had the first fight we've ever had -- and all of it is because of M. While these things may seem petty at face value, it's the underlying disrespect, the M first and to hell with what anyone else needs or wants attitude couched in an "I don't know what you are talking about" attitude, the sneakiness, and the manipulation that ruin my day, day after day. The first of the proverbial last three blows came when I discovered that he has been eavesdropping on private conversations between my son and me and then whining to his father about what he overheard (which had absolutely nothing to do with M). The second blow was when I discovered that he has been making fun of and ridiculing my son behind his back. And the final blow was when I discovered yesterday that he is spying on my son at school (and has even gotten his friends to join in) and then "reporting" what he sees to his father. He does things to me like every single day he has been here he has passively/aggressively blown off small things I ask him to do -- which are the exact same things I ask my children to do. His father won't help him understand that these things aren't optional, that they are part of us all pitching in. I guess my point here is that I know I am extremely angry and resentful that he is here. I never asked for him to be here, and I certainly wasn't asked if it was okay for him to move in permanently. Neither were my children. My quandary is how can I get through all of this anger, resentment, tension, etc. I cringe when he comes in the door and I breathe a sigh of relief when he leaves. My husband and I aren't speaking, and my heart is breaking. I know that I'm the adult, but some of the responsibility lies with M. He's not a small child, but will be 18 in November. I would appreciate any words of wisdom.

I understand my SD is the

I understand my SD is the most unethical, hateful, mean...no I should say cruel person I hv ever encountered. I have had enuf after 3 years. I have come to loathe her. I am hard on myself for having these feelings. I feel I am a better person then that. My hubby and I are hanging on to our marriage by a thread...a frayed thread at best. He wants everyone to just forgive and forget. He doesn't understand the hurt and anger that is nvr addressed. He does not understand I am heart broke. He is not continuously attacked everyother day. He doesn't have to deal with her attitude, dirty looks, mumbling under her breath, and disrespect. He pitties her learning disability...I understand LDs. I am raising a son diagnosed with PDD (autism). LD or not she knows right from wrong. I am sorry I can't give you any "words of wisdom" other then I know and I really feel for you. It helps to know that other SM's "loathe" their SS or SD.

thank you

It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who is going through this, although I feel terrible about feeling this way. Thanks for your kind words, and you hang in there too.

It's so hard isn't it when

It's so hard isn't it when you are turned into someone you don't want to be & are living a life you don't want to lead.
Now my skids are 16 & 18, after 7 years of living with them, they want to be treated like adults. Great that means I can admit that I dislike them immensely & would rather their father saw them without me & our littleones. I can't wait for them to leave home. I don't think I've ever disliked anyone quite so much in my whole life!
I'm supposed to be a christian - but my forgiveness will begin when they stop sponging off me & treating me like dirt & that will only happen when I no longer see them.
I am getting the impression that 99% of stepmums feel the same. Sad isn't it?!

Nah, I wouldn't say 99%!

I think we all get aggravated with our skids from time to time and God knows I've wanted to send my skids and my kids all to the moon a time or two, but I can honestly say that I really do love my skids, I really do care what happens to them, I honestly want them to have the best that life has to offer them and I treasure every moment of being their stepmother.

We're on the opposite side of the fence, though... we NEVER get to have the kids. Even when we lived closer, their mother would only let us get them once or twice a year tops. It's been a little over two years since we've had them for visitation and I really miss them a lot. I think it's a whole 'nother story, though, when the darling little angels turn into the adult stepkids from hell.

My skids are SD15, SD14 and SS12. We also have a son and daughter together, BS9 and BD4. It's really hard knowing that our children can't be raised with their siblings or even see them enough to have a relationship with them.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

I agree...

I don't think it 99% either. Although I do not love my SS, I do respect him as DH's son. I want to love him and get to know him, but he will not let me past 'Hello' to even start to feel for him.

Hopefully one day I will miss my SS and wish we could see him all the time, but sometimes the kids themselves won't let you close enough to love them. And this is the problem really isn't it, if you loathe your skids, obviously they are not respecting either you, your home, your kids or your DH. If you could get that respect and they would let you in then you wouldn't feel the way you do about them. Would you??

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Loathe Stepchildren

I totally agree with you. It's hard to force yourself or try to make yourself like your steps. I don't hate my stepkids (although I say that sometimes) but I really don't "know" them either. My husband would like us to be closer but you just can't force it.

I am the third wheel and to be honest, I prefer it that way. I resent my stepchildren for the fact their motherS both lead good lives with no money issues and I scrape month to month.

I read this comment earlier.

I read this comment earlier. ".... If you could get that respect and they would let you in then you wouldn't feel the way you do about them. Would you??..."
Well I disgree with this, why should StepMom work so hard at getting respect like she is the one that has to earn it? Not good. Kids need to know what respect is, what is acceptable FIRST. Bio Parent has the responsibilty to lay down the laws, intolerate disrespect and teach that to their children. Hate bios who think that a new step parent has to 'earn respect from an unruly immature child". Doom. Step kids do not walk into the door with respct and will test how far they can slide and get boundries. They care for no one but themselves. I was one. .

I disagree, we don't earn respect

How do you hold on to your marriage?

That is what I am asking myself. I know how I would feel if my DH "loathed" one of my boys. But the fact is he doesn't. My 2 boys are very respectful and accepting of his authority. Of course they are younger (9&12). Sometimes I feel like he is now resentful of what has now happened with his daughter. He just doen't understand that I no longer will do anything "extra" for her. I tried to explain to him..."What happens to a dog you keep yelling at and kicking, then try to be sweet to that dog, then kick it again when it comes to you. Eventually the dog will quite coming when called." But I am supposed to be the "adult" and "better then that". Better then what? I am not rude, nor disrespectful. In fact anymore I have nothing to do with her. What else am I to do?

You all are forgetting....

that you are talking about TEENAGERS!!! RIGHT THERE IN ITSELF IS YOUR PROBLEMS! Not only that they are your skids, they could be your children and act this way, you would be just more excepting. Or able to ignore them. Also, todays teenagers have a hell of alot more issues that I had even just 15 years ago to deal with. And one more thing to think about soon they will be adults and tough love is great, kick them out, then you're able to work on your marriage better. Or you might find without the kids your marriage is worse? Hopefully that's not true! You're not alone, though! Every household with a teenager in it has someone who isn't respected or someone who is hated! Teenagers just mean bad news! GOOD LUCK!

Not sure I agree...

I do respcet your opinion Anna, and agree that alot of teenagers these days can be very hard to be in the same room with and I also agree that you are more accepting with your own children, but that is just the point, they are not your children and you shouldn't be disrespected by other peoples children, especially if you are contributung to raising them and help pay for a roof over their heads or contribute to CS.

If my friends children treated me like my SS does then I wouldn't ask them over and if my Son treated me that way he would get a swift kick in the rear end, daily!! My sons friends are teenagers and they treat me like a second mum and even call me mum when they are here. I don't think to generalise the problem as teenagers suits for me, I think it is how a teenager has been brought up and whether they have learned respect and if they have been poisoned against you by the skids mother. It is usually one or the other.

Just MHO.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

True.

If *I* am to be responsible for a child I need to be entrusted to handle *everything* having to do with that child during the time s/he is on *my* watch.

If my kids' friends come over I am the one responsible during that time and they are expected to abide by whatever our house rules are. OR they don't get invited back. If I am watching a child for a friend same applies.

But, somehow, when you step into a "stepparent" role it's as if you are supposed to be loving, giving, supportive blah, blah, blah and NOTHING else. It's not a very fair position to expect a person to be in and it's even more difficult if you have children of your own that you're raising in the same house.

I think in many cases it may be better to let the bio parent handle things WITHIN REASON, however, if *I* am the one home or the one responsible I think I should be TRUSTED to be able to handle any issues that arise on my watch. Other wise, I'd rather not have a watch...

It is what it is...

These are not typical "teenage" issues.

These are not "typical" teenage issues. Even with typical teenagers or any child raising you need a support system. How do you cope when that support system is broken? I could deal with the disrespect, dishonesty, cruelness...ect. if my strength got renewed every once in a while. There seems to be a running theme in that these issues really "stress out" our marriages.

I think the freyed thread that was holding my marriage together broke last night, ironically while in counseling. My husband feels her behavior should be "ignored" due to her LDs and I am out of line. He won't admit that she does know right from wrong..lies from truth. Therefore he will continue to enable her behavior. I am deeply saddened as this girl will nvr have a fulfilling relationship with family, friends, or significant other in the future if something doesnt change now (she's 17 and going to be out of the house very soon). My heart broke last night as I was ridiculed and verbally attacked last night infront of the counselor. The counselors words fell on my husband's deaf ears as he (the counselor) tried to support me.

Sorry for rambling on but has anyone been able to make it thru once their marriage reached such a tender and deperate time?

surprising comment from hubby

Last week my hubby went away for a couple of days...we had been tearing into one another and needed a break to "think" about things. When he returned home he said he had a confession....he missed me and my girls (who live with us full-time) more than he missed his boys. He said he almost felt guilty about it and didn't understand his feelings about this.

I personally think it is because he has a bond with my girls, 15 & 12, more than his boys 14 & 11 because BM has interferred so much and has them sneaking info back to her all the time. It could also be for the fact that he is used to only seeing them every 2 wks as well.

I have a lot of problems with his boys because they have been taught by BM not to respect me, as I am not their parent. Hubby is constantly telling them they must respect me because I am their stepmom, I care about them and what goes on in our house is also my business. It causes a lot of friction all the time because they say, "mom said we don't have to listen to HER!"

Some days when they are here, I want to run away, but hell, I have thought that way about my own too somedays! LOL

Corie

I see the problem

DH shouldn't tell them to respect because you are 'their' Stepmom..He should be telling them to respect you because you are 'HIS' wife!!

That is what some people just don't get, their father has chosen you as his life partner to share in HIS life and if they want to be in their fathers life they have to respect his choices.

I love Dr Phil and he siad to his boys one time when they told their mother to shut up..Don't you ever speak to my wife like that again. Even though he was their bio dad and she the bio mother it is still his wife. I think he was onto to something there.

I don't like my SS a whole lot but I do repsect that he is my DH's son and in return he has respect his fathers wife. We are forced to be together, we may not like it we must respect the role the other plays in their loved ones life.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

Catch 22

That is a good one, I will pass this info onto hubby. Maybe this will work better!!

Thx!
Corie

Amen and pass the kleenex

I can't take it any more either. I try to consider this is still a child (16) but feel like I am supposed to allow my husband to be abused by his own daughter. Her mom is thrilled SD and I are not speaking to each other . . . .

How do you separate your feelings for the ex from the child?

I have a stepdaughter that is 14. Her mother took her illegally out of the state and sends her for a visit when she feels like it. We sought out legal advice from 2 lawyers who both said with less than 4 years of child support -- it would be costly to take to court. I'm not sure I understand why mothers have all the rights -- my husband wanted to stop payments but I wouldn't let him. Visitation and child support are two totally different issues.

My stepdaughter comes with no notice. She is polite, sweet, passive aggressive and manipulative. Her father adores her and misses her a lot so I just bite my tongue.

Any advice? Please help. Everyone here seems to have been through this -- inside wisdom would help me.

Wow...I'm not the only one...

It is so nice to know that I am not the only one who loathes their S-kids! Up until I found this site, I felt pretty alone! I had no one to talk to who understood my feelings. I am a SM of two boys, ages 17 & 13, I also have a BS who is 16. I have been married to their dad for almost 7 years now... and it has been pretty rocky! I am not sure how we have managed to hang on to our marriage (thanks to his kids), but we're doing it. I'll admit it... I really hate my two SS... but I haven't always felt this way. Back when they were younger, in the beginning, the oldest and I were best buds... he wanted to go everywhere with me. But then their world got turned upside down when BM decided to move away. There was a custody battle (which she didn't fight too hard on!) and my hubby got full custody. They were to spend summers with her, and every other Christmas. After their first summer visit, I could see that the kids had changed... they were unhappy and had attitudes. I blamed this on the separation from BM and figured they would eventually get back to normal as time went on. But quite honestly, each year that goes by, their behavior gets worse and worse. BM constantly bad-mouths my hubby and I... she tells them not to listen to me... she always refers to me as "the B*tch"... makes them tell her everything that happens while they are here. Of course, you know, they always make things sound way worse than they really are! Oldest SS has become a little disrespectful sh*thead who has told everyone that he hates me... the youngest bursts into tears every time I ask him to do something. Neither will help with household chores and when you buy them something they make you feel they are entitled to it... never any thank-you's. Now, I'm not saying that my own son is an angel cuz he has given me attitude a time or two... but he knows when to give up... knows how far he can push. The S-kids know what pushes my buttons, but they keep going until I blow up and yell and scream at them. I can ask them to do something 3 or 4 times and they blow me off... dad asks them and they do it. I sew up torn coats or pants... never tell me thx... I buy them school clothes/supplies, never a thank u! They are very disrespectful!! Something that my hubby doesn't see, or he refuses to see. I have tried to talk to him, but he just gets mad at me for complaining about them, and then has to think of a bad thing that my son has said or done... just to make things even! I have gotten so disgusted with oldest ss that I have ended up saying rotten things to him, and about his mom... out of frustration. My hubby tells me I'm immature and that I need to immediately tell ss I'm sorry... but, do I ever get an apology from the ss?? It takes two... I treat people the way they treat me. What is everyone else's thoughts?

I disengaged this week

Speaking of JJ70's post...I felt the same way as you...Bf's son doesn't listen to me, he acts as if I don't exist most of the time. And it used to just tick me off to the point where the veins in my forehead felt like they were going to explode! So..I finally read the disengaging essay posted in another topic in the forum and I've decided to use it. I wont watch him, I won't discipline him, I won't be responsible for him, I will not pick him up from school anymore. And I can tell you right now I'm alot less stressed doing this!

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Despise -- no, loathe -- my stepson