Don't like girlfriends kids
Started relationship with my girlfriend several years ago. At the time her son was 10 and her daughter was 14. I have no kids. It was apparent early on I did not share the same approach on how to raise her kids, she did everything for them, and they were spoilt and lazy. But I kept going as I didn't have kids of my own and she was trying to bring them up as the dad had basically disowned them after they split up. But over the next few years, nothing has really changed. They treat her house like a hotel. They are lazy. They stay in bed till the afternoon and only help around the house when asked several times. Her daughter is nearly 20 and she is a rude, lazy, inconsiderate and acts like she is 10 years old. I am not allowed to say anything directly to them. I have tried to support and encourage on how to change their behaviour, but nothing changes. It is a constant point of argument between us, but she ultimately always defends her kids. I've given up my previous relationship and house for this and now I feel like I ruined my future. What do i do???
Where do you live now?
You say you gave up your house, I'm guessing you are renting elsewhere, not living with her? I know you'd like to hear suggestions on how to persuade your GF to change and see her take those measures and have them be effective. Sam, that's not going to happen. She is a guilty Disney mom, there are thousands of this type parent that we cope with here on Steptalk. You ask what to do now. Definitely don't move in, it would only be more painful for you. In a perfect world, you'd move on, regroup financially, get another house and hopefully find someone more suitable. If you can't quite breakup yet, then live apart and date and definitely use birth control. Sorry. "Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".
Thanks for your reply. After
Thanks for your reply. After my previous relationship came to an end, we were supposed to buy a place together. But she backed out, which forced me to rent. I moved in for a year during lockdown, but bought my own place nearby a few months ago thank god. It saved the relationship. But everytime I go around there, immediately there are the reminders of how her kids behave and my stress levels go up. I've asked to create a rota for chores several times, but never happens. Both often are in their dressing gowns in the afternoon. She has more recently acknowledged what her kids are like, and how she needs to put her foot down. Maybe lasts 2 days at best. Then i speak up, she makes me feel like I'm abnormal for complaining. At this rate they will be living there for years and years and we will never move on. I genuinely like kids, I am an uncle to my sisters kids and I get on with them well and enjoy their company. Maybe it's me?
Save yourself. Leave if you
Save yourself. Leave if you can because it rarely gets better.
Your resentment can only build up, you will never like them more than you do now
This is situation that we see
This is situation that we see all too often here. Nothing will change unless your GF wants it to change. You have two choices: Accept things as they are and figure out a way to cope with it, or make changes yourself.
If you are cleaning up after the slobs, stop. Let your GF do that. If you are giving them money or supporting them in other ways (paying household expenses for them, for example), stop. If your GF cancels plans with you to do something for her kids, you go right on ahead and keep those plans with a friend or by yourself. If you can completely disengage from them, maybe that will be enough.
Or, maybe you just can't stand to live in the chaos they create. In that case, you need to be completely honest with your GF, tell her you respect her parenting decisions and will no longer interfere, but you can't continue to live the way you are. That might mean breaking up with her. But if that's what you need to do for yourself, DO IT.
You have not ruined your life. There are plenty of people who leave relationships and find happiness no matter their age. One thing is for sure though. If nothing changes, then nothing will change and you will continue to be miserable.
Excellent advice
That is so true. If nothing changes in your GF's parenting then at best, the relationship with a partner will only be partial as she will continue to have that dynamic with her kids. You may love her as a GF but maybe not be able to respect her fully due to her parenting. Although not perfect, at least you have your own place and can decide how you want to live. I share your pain and many others on this site do too. I have one of those partners too. I can accept the situation most of the time by reading this site for support :). I always put myself, my adult child and my sanity first, and protect my mental space from intruders, which are mainly my partner's very unlikeable kids. Might sound selfish but only you can look after yourself in that way. Most of the time, it works but I have been battling with skids in my head for 6 years! Take courage, whatever you decide to do. It's not a waste of your life, maybe just a detour!
She can only make you feel what you choose to feel.
Stop feeling "abnormal" and stop giving her the power dictate how you feel. She is a failed parent. Which is a fact, not just a feeling.
Make that abundantly clear and make it abundantly clear that there will be no cohabitation until she either fixes her idiot children or... they are purged from the entire situation.
As neither of those is likely, nor are they reasonable expecations, move on. Find a true quality equity life partner and leave this shallow and polluted gene pool to fester.
Take care of you.