Have disengaged but need advice please
I have been disengaged from my SS14 for the past 2 months. I don't talk to him, don't tell him to clean his room, don't take him anywhere, don't give him money or buy him anything. I don't like him, and he doesn't like me, and that's OK. We have had fight after fight, and each argument with him guarantees an argument with my wife, so I'm done with him, whether she likes it or not.
Long story short, a few months ago he took a razor blade to his (MY) bathroom floor and cut the hell out of it. He has also cut up his punching bag that he practices his karate with AND his mattress that he USED to sleep on. Now he sleeps on the floor.
Every now and then I'll sweep his bedroom, looking for sharp objects or anything he could use to destroy things in my house, and yesterday I found a BIC lighter in there. I sent a text to my DW that said 1)Tell your son to clean his room, this is getting stupid, and 2)I found a lighter in his room today, you need to talk to him.
That's all, nothing else. So she texts back and the first thing is (drum roll, please) "What were you doing in his room?".
Of course. Never mind that he destroys everything he touches, what was I doing in his space? So, now she's mad at me, which means that all is right in the world.
My question is, am I doing the right thing by checking his room (which is a violation of his human rights, according to his mother)? I don't trust the boy, but his mother either doesn't think to check on ANYTHING that he's doing or she doesn't care. Unless he's in the Boy Scouts, no 14 year old boy has business with a lighter. Not in my house, anyway. The dude has issues, and I've asked DW to take him to counseling, but she thinks there's nothing wrong with him. So my question is, am I crossing a line here, or just protecting my property? You can probably already guess which way I'm leaning, but I might need a new perspective.
You only went in the room to
You only went in the room to find any items he could use to vandalise your house, you were not trying to find his diary, clearly you had good reason to look in his room, I don't think that you have crossed the line, he can obviously not be trusted with privacy, I would go crazy at the destruction he has caused, in fact I would not put up with it.
That's the only reason I go
That's the only reason I go in there, is because I don't trust him. I could care less otherwise.
You know its your home too,
You know its your home too, why don't you get a say in things, his behaviour isn't normal, what does your partner do when he has destroyed something?
She tries to guilt-trip him.
She tries to guilt-trip him. "Now, you know we work really hard to have this nice house", blah blah blah. Not once has she come out and said "You are NOT going to do this in our house ever again". Nothing is black and white with her because she's too worried about hurting his feelings to do what's right.
And I do get a say, it's just that they don't like it. They have also both been informed that the front door has two features, and that they can use the "out" feature any time they want.
Hurt his feeings!!! Part of
Hurt his feeings!!! Part of being a parent is discipling your child, no wonder he is such a nightmare with such a soft mother, he has no boundaries, children always behave badly if if they don't have boundaries, I think you need to beat your chest and take back some control in your own home, you can't live this this it must be miserable?
I don't think his mother was
I don't think his mother was ever enrolled in that school of thought.
Sounds like my DW. For the
Sounds like my DW. For the most part, she is a staunch defender of her kids "rights." This always cracks me up - they are children, not grown-ups. They don't have any "rights," or at least not things like a right to privacy. She is the queen of "Spin and Re-direct," so if I bring something up that SD did, she will refuse to address it, and will attack me instead on other issues, both related and unrelated. If your scenario had happened in my house, then I would have been forbidden to bring up the lighter, because its discovery would have been tainted because I had violated SD17's "rights" in order to discover said lighter. Then I would be in trouble for having gone in the room.
Paul, your DW must be my DW's
Paul, your DW must be my DW's long-lost twin or something. Every conversation about SS14 turns in to a 15-page dissertation on each and every one of MY shortcomings. Who changed the subject?
Good grief it's spooky how
Good grief it's spooky how entirely accurate those statements are.
There must be a playbook
There must be a playbook somewhere. How else do manipulators and emotional blackmailers (male or female) end up saying the EXACT SAME THINGS?!
"I sent a text to my DW that
"I sent a text to my DW that said 1)Tell your son to clean his room, this is getting stupid, and 2)I found a lighter in his room today, you need to talk to him."
-- THis is not disengaging. You made yourself a target now. Instead of focusing on SS, your wife was able to turn it around on you.
What I would have done?
No snitching. Handle it yourself. Its YOUR home you are protecting, its allowed.
Hey SS, I went through your room -- yes I can do that cause I pay the bills-- I found this lighter. Don't let me find another one or you lose your door. You can't be trusted with items like this because you destroy things in our home.
DONE. Any backtalk gets a "This isn't a negotiation. You've been warned."
If DW doesn't like how you handle it, then tell her she should handle it better in the future. Your goal is to keep your property in order, not to baby her son.
BTW, I check SD16s bags when she's here. Privacy comes with a mortgage or a rental agreement.
No snitching. Handle it
No snitching. Handle it yourself. Its YOUR home you are protecting, its allowed."
Great point there.
Being disengaged, no
Being disengaged, no snitching. Agree.
Handle it yourself. For me, I dont even tell kid - I would just throw it out along with everything else that he shouldn't have in his room.
Whats he doing to do? As your DW where his lighter is? I do the same for blocking internet sites - block it, what are they going to do, ask why they can't hit such and such site they knew they weren't allowed on to start with??
I even occasionally go through a backpack or two - my kids and skids are still young.
But if offending items were found in skid possession, being disengaged, I throw it out, done.
Gotta comment. I disagree
Gotta comment. I disagree Echo.
I see your point, but I am disengaged from skid, not my home. Not cleaning the room - agree, skid problem, removing items skid uses to wreck my home - that becomes my problem - so I would go with OP on this one, sift through the room - remove all offending items, but not snitch - I would just, take care of it.
I don't care if skid screws with himself\herself - but I will protect my kids and my stuff.
I'm not sure what taking his
I'm not sure what taking his stuff and not telling anybody will accomplish. He needs to learn that he can't be trusted with any of that crap, and if I take his stuff and don't tell him, he'll just go get more stuff. I can't force his mother to be a parent, but she at least needs to know what her son is up to. And if she gets mad at me, big deal. Matter of fact, she is right now, but I'd rather have her mad at me than to let him keep getting away with destroying things in my house.
I have to agree with you....
I have to agree with you.... pick and choose your battles. I completely understand the need to protect your house.... As a SD myself, my SM went through my stuff ALL of the time. It only makes things worse...
Counseling is a must... your DW does need to step up and wake up...
You are absolutely within
You are absolutely within your rights, and right, to check his bedroom for tools. This is a troubled young person who has actually cut up a mattress. It's not just the act of cutting up but the item he chose to cut, that show that he is in a disturbed state. These states do not pass easily. He needs some form of therapy. If your DW won't see that then at least you can protect your family and property before the next bout of self-destruction happens. You have to do this. A lighter means either cigarettes, a drug habit, or a new idea for self-harm. I hope it is just cigarettes. Your DW ought to confront him (gently) and try to find out what the lighter was for. If smoking, then that's relatively harmless isn't it.
He kind of forfeited the right to privacy when he started damaging your property, methinks.
It's worth what Helene said
It's worth what Helene said one more time:
What I would have done?
No snitching. Handle it yourself. Its YOUR home you are protecting, its allowed.
Hey SS, I went through your room -- yes I can do that cause I pay the bills-- I found this lighter. Don't let me find another one or you lose your door. You can't be trusted with items like this because you destroy things in our home.
DONE. Any backtalk gets a "This isn't a negotiation. You've been warned." I'll add - walk away at this point - its not a discussion either.
If DW doesn't like how you handle it, then tell her she should handle it better in the future. Your goal is to keep your property in order, not to baby her son.
BTW, I check SD16s bags when she's here. Privacy comes with a mortgage or a rental agreement.
I really don't like going
I really don't like going through his stuff but he's not giving me much of a choice. This dude tears up everything he has, and has always been that way. And I really don't give a damn about his privacy, he gave up that "right" a long time ago.
Okay, well let me say that I
Okay, well let me say that I don't have *any* problem going through the room of my SD or SS. Anything is fair game to me, I will look at notes, diaries, etc.
When I went through the room of my SS14 I found weed, an empty beer bottle taken from my fridge, and a wallet that his sister thought she had "lost" months before, with over $150 in it, and several other "contraband" items. If I had not searched, I would have had no clue that he was stealing from his own family and lying about it. He hasn't had a bedroom door for a long time now.
It's totally understandable that you want to search the room of your SS -- he is destroying property that ultimately belongs to you. Like others have said, if you want to keep going in that direction, then by all means search his room but don't look for permission from your wife. Tell her that you are trying to make sure he doesn't continue doing things he should not be ... that's perfectly reasonable.
The other path is to totally disengage. Tell your wife you're done with it, and your SS can do whatever he wants. However, if down the line he becomes a total drugged-out loser, make it clear that you're not going to spend any of your money and time trying to help him out. By the time he's 18 this behavior could be so far out of control that it will be too late, but I guess then your wife can say "well I made sure he had his privacy".