How do I lower the tension level?
I've been in a step-mother roll (living together) for about four years. We are, for all practical purposes, married but haven't gone legal because I don't trust his ex - a selfish, greedy control freak, and those are her good points (I could go on and on about the issues with his CRAZY ex but it would take DAYS!). He has two sons, now 15 and 12. Things are fine with the younger son but the older is contrary, argumentative, disrespectful and lazy. He gets away with everything at his mother's house and is currently flunking out of school, the consequences for which are a driver’s permit and a vacation of his choice this summer. His dad is very good about setting boundaries and expectations but there is only so much impact you can have every other weekend. Now we have a more clearly defined problem… last weekend the older son and I were at home while the younger and his father were out. An issue (I asked him to pick up a couple of things in his room, I'm so unreasonable!) resulted in further “discussion” and eventually a phone call from him to his mother asking to get picked up early because I'm just so hard to deal with. This would not have been an issue had his father been home, he does not talk back to his dad, nor does his dad allow him to be disrespectful to me. In the days following he has told his mother he doesn't want to come back to our house if I'm there. Truthfully my initial reaction is that this would be fine with me, but it obviously puts his father in a difficult position. I should also mention (for a full picture) that the younger son is begging to come and live with us (we're all for it and will pursue)because he can’t stand living in the situation at his mom’s anymore – it’s typical for she and the older son to have yelling, screaming, throwing things fights (house damaged, police called) and she actually has more anger management issues than the kid. Really he doesn’t stand a chance of learning appropriate conflict resolution with this example, I’m not sure why the younger one is doing so well so far.
I assume things will just calm down a bit and we'll stumble through but I see posts here about how people have lived with horrible tension for years... therein lies my question - how do I stop things from getting to that from where we are now? In a normal world (without the ex) there should be an apology from any kid for that kind of behavior (of course it would be forced, and certainly not sincere but going through the motions at least) and then we'd just go on about our lives... but he doesn't even want to come back let alone make an apology, and he is of course rewarded for this behavior by his mother.
So how do I deal with this kid, try to be the grown up, knowing why he is the way he is, give him some sort of stability and role model, provide a healthy environment for the younger child and not lose my mind at the same time dealing with the frustration?
Sorry, I thought this was going to be a short little post… so much for that!
With you sister. YOU are
With you sister. YOU are not putting your DH in this position his CHILD is - if he can't see that the child cannot call the shots then he becomes the doormat. A child as young as two will take advantage of you if you let them. Thats what this child is doing and I wouldn't cater to it one bit. Politely telling the little adolescent that he doesn't call the shots -if he chooses not to come its his loss - YOu will continue to go about your day to day and it won't affect you a damn bit because HE chose this not you or your DH
I am living your life "almost" to a T
I am living your life almost to a T, sounds like a very similar case here from the oldest skid to the BM, even ages...only difference here is the youngest does not wish to live here as he is BM's personal spy. We have it where BOTH skids will call BM if I am being "mean" to them by telling them to clean up their rooms. Ridiculous and something to really piss you off about.
Anger issues are the same, BM as well as oldest SS, fights, arguments etc at their home. We do not tolerate it here. I do not know how he (oldest)will ever effectively learn how to not only deal with but control his anger in the future.
I don't have any answers for you on how to maintain your sanity. I have to work at my own every day they are here or whenever BM decides to create ANOTHER issue. Seriously makes you want to run for the hills somedays, that is for sure....oh wait, MOST DAYS I want to run for the hills....LOL.
Hang in there, we are all here for support.
Corie
Dad had to take the lead on this kid
Because you mentioned, "This would not have been an issue had his father been home, he does not talk back to his dad, nor does his dad allow him to be disrespectful to me," it looks like this is a case where his father is going to be the one to set firm limits with this child at all times, and YOU are going to have to be the one to take a BIG step back with this kid.
Of course, he would not be able to disrespect you at any time in your home, but if you do not interact with him in a "mother-type" role, then there will not be the chance that he will respond to you with the blatant disrespect he has shown in the past.
And Dad would have to set firm rules with his son/his ex as well, such as:
*when you are here on visitation days with me- you're with me.
period. ( although this may change as he gets older)
*do not entertain the calls from the ex regarding his son's calls-
what happens in your home during dad's visitation time is not
for her to micromanage
And you can do this with the older son while still interacting normally with the younger one who is seeking your guidance. Clearly, the older one does not want your help, advice or even you as a role model- and it is truly his loss. Give your full support to the ones who are craving it, and let dad handle this one! Believe me, it will be a LOAD off you, both emotionally and mentally, if you can pull away from the older son.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Handing it over...
Particularly to 5teensathome... I really think you're right, my current plan is to just step (no pun intended) back and not participate with him on the level that I have. His mother has him in summer school every day for the next 2 1/2 months so we won't see him much anyway. I figure the stress of that will have he and his mother fighting so much that by the time regular school starts and he's back for every-other weekend he will have forgotten about how much he doesn't want to be around me. If I just don't interact we should be okay. I have to laugh a little bit, instead of just letting him take freshman year over again during the school year she thinks that somehow he's going to get done in 2 months what he couldn't get done in 9... gives you a little insight into how her logic (or more accurately illogic) works!