I need a drink...just had a massive fight with DH
Ok. I haven't posted in a while because I have been having a lot going on in my life, but today I had an awful fight with DH (you guessed it. Over SS15.) A little history:
I moved in to live with them in 2008. DH has two sons that are 12 and 15. I was 25 years old and I admit that at that time, I used to go out with my friends every weekend, I was really young and I just wanted to have a good time and focus in my career. I was honest with him from the very beginning. I told him, I didn't want to parent or help him parent, I was still going out with my friends and I wasn't going to change my lifestyle for him (I know, it sounds selfish, but he accepted.) He is 13 yrs. older than me, so I thought he had it all figured out with his kids. WRONG!!! HE DID NOT! Those kids were spoiled. No manners whatsoever. Never in my life met kids so undisciplined and disrespectful. I stayed with him because when the kids weren't in the house, I honestly felt we were meant for each other. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. After about 2 years, he finally asked me for help. I was raised by my father in the military, so I don't know, but I guess that adds to the fact that I am very disciplined and respected my dad always. Obviously, I was raised entirely different. I accepted to help because, well... it was embarrassing to go out in public with these two kids with no manners at all. Ever since, my nightmare began. Slowly, but surely, I was getting more and more involved with the kids' life, I stopped seeing my friends as much as I used to and tried to spend more time with DH and his kids. SS15 has ADD, he is a real challenge, hard headed, but honestly when he was younger, I thought he had a lot in good within him. Well, as he grew older, he started causing more and more problems. DH and I always fought, always. We get along great, we laugh together, talk for hours, never get bored with each other, but boy! we have the most horrendous fights when it comes to SS15. Anyway, all that stress eventually took its toll. My health deteriorated. I would get stomach infections, I got the flu 3 times in less than a year!!! and recently they found a non-cancerous tumor outside my uterus, the size of a peach, but back to DH and SS15, I started disengaging about 2 yrs ago. I said this is bs and I am getting sick. SS15 started running the house. To the point that after SS15 and I had a massive argument because he was disrespecting me by talking over me when I was talking to his dad. I raised my voice and this little fucker started talking louder!! My husband (with the most calming voice told him not to do that) and his son was like "what? What happened?" I snapped and yelled at both and it all was a big mess, well...the next morning, my husband was making him breakfast before school because SS15 said that he couldn't get ready on time for school unless daddy took care of breakfast!!! OMG!!! I couldn't believe it. So the kid actually was rewarded because whatever he did to me the other night, well..let's just forget it like we forget everything else. SS15 never said sorry, by the way. So, a year ago my therapist (yes! I had to do some therapy because it was just too much) said that if I wasn't happy, I knew what to do (which was to get a divorce and leave,) my therapist told me to put an ultimatum to DH. I did and things changed for about 3 months. Then they found my tumor and I focused in my health, had surgery and here I am trying to recover, but had another incident this evening with SS15 and I snapped again and this time I screamed at DH that him and his son were the reason I had all of my health issues. I know, it is horrible. How could I blame DH if I love him so much? but he has no control over SS15. I don't care if SS15 is a mess, I mean that's DH problem, but don't disrespect me in my own house. I am guilty of having so much anger towards SS15. I hate him and I don't think there is a turning back. Now DH and I are not talking to each other. We had plans for tomorrow, but of course, I had to ruin it.
I don't know how I let a stupid kid affect my life so much. To the point that my body shakes when he is around; I feel such a negative vibe every time SS15 is around.
Now I don't know what to do. I hate being mad at DH, but I said something really bad and even though I feel it is somewhat true, I should have probably kept that one to myself.
And we might talk it over tomorrow or once the anger is gone, but how long am I going to put up with SS15. DH is just too soft. I need advice with the disengaging because I still get annoyed. What's the point? or should I just leave because this is going nowhere? I had a stepmom and I was kicked out of the house at 16. My dad didn't put with my bs. My mom died when I was 12, so I seriously had no guidance with marriage or relationships. I know I was selfish at the beginning, but my whole life I lived my life taking care of myself or nobody else will. Nobody sat next to me and said "everything is going to be O.K." Nonetheless, I did try to be more engaged with his kids as I got more mature because I really loved this man, but is it worth it?
About BM, she's a mess. She can't control SS15 and wants DH to solve everyhting.
And that's my story.
These step situations are so
These step situations are so stressful and that stress does damage your health. I think that we, if it is bad enough, exhibit the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. Is the way your husband fails to handle his sons behaviour causing you stress. Yep. So, you are right in suggesting your illness is because of the situation. When things calm down, explain it to dh that way. He might get it, rather than saying you and your son did this.
You need to stop blaming yourself for feeling this way. Your dh should never allow his son to disrespect you, especially in your own home. This is not your fault. Dh needs to let his 15 year old go hungry if he can't get up in time to pour a bowl of cereal for himself.
Just went through this and
Just went through this and got a tear in my eye reading your post. It totally affected my health too, you just feel powerless, and you always feel that you just have to shut up and take whatever is given, and if you DARE vocalise how upset you are about the situation it's like "oh no... that's EVIL".
It's a terrible situation - I really feel for you.
That enigma is because
That enigma is because without realising it we are being bullied by our husbands and emotionally abused. We put up with it in the beginning because we love them, then yeas later, we put up with it because we know if we say anything we will cause an argument, and no matter what the steps have done, it will somehow be all our fault. Our lives consist of apprehension, fear, and walking on egg shells in our own homes. Until you stand up and say no more. It will never change. We don't stand up because we are afraid of losing our husbands/partners. But the reality is, if a man chooses his child over you, if the only way you can keep that man, is to accept verbal abuse, emotional abuse and bullying, by him and his kids. What are you losing. Nothing. A man who truly loved you would die rather than allow his children to disrespect you. To stay in a relationship like this is to damage your mental, physical and emotional health. No man is worth that. Especially one who gets mad because your unhappy about his kids disrespecting you and ruling the roost.
Focus on you and your health.
Focus on you and your health. Being healthy is your main priority and that is something you should make very clear to everyone in the household. Do not make any compromise with your health. If that means temporary separation from the marriage - separate and focus on YOUR health. Then when you have had certain time and feel in good shape have a conversation with your husband and see where it goes. You are too young to be going through this. I think your therapist gave you a very good advice. Stay healthy and happy! Listen to EBU she has helped me so so much!
First of all, thank you all
First of all, thank you all for taking the time to read my story and many thanks for the sympathy and the words of support. Now I understand why you keep coming back to this forum. It is hard to relate with other people out there, with friends or family. I learnt to be private because after a while, these things get old to someone who can't relate to our situation.
I think wickedsm123 you are right. The way I said it was the problem because I think DH knows exactly how I feel. After my ultimatum last year, I opened up about my feelings towards SS15 entirely and him. Now I think I am angry at both, not just SS15. I don't feel the support from DH. He told me last night that if I don't want to see his son and his son doesn't want to see me, then it is our problem entirely. That if he starts caring about it, then he will start loosing his mind and that phrase is what set me off. What about me and all the things I lost? What about all the crap I have to keep to myself some days so I don't start an argument or ruin everyone's day? What about when I tried to help you because SS15 would ignore you in front of his friends like you represented no authority whatsoever? and my best years by your side keeping up with this mess?
My question is: Why haven't I left yet? What am I afraid of? I think I need to put some distance for now. Maybe go out of the country and visit my family. I'm just too angry, too sad, too tired and I need some peace, at least until I heal.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and advice. I really needed it.
Wow, I too got teary eyed
Wow, I too got teary eyed after reading this and I understand. We cannot silence ourselves and feel like we are selfish bitches because we voice what we feel. I really hope you dh begins to value you because you sound like a wonderful person. Take care of yourself because you need to be FIRST. I speak my mind a little too often about things I do not like the sds doing and when my feelings are not validated it frustrates me, hurts me and makes me question if I can do this for a long time. Take care of yourself you deserve only the best.
I agree, but I did tell my
I agree, but I did tell my husband that I was going to disengage even more. I won't cook for SS15, his room won't get cleaned, I won't buy him his snacks anymore or favorite foods. Thing is ugly now, but husband agreed and to be honest, I am not just going to leave DH. We do get along great and I am willing to give it more time. When I get tired, I'll just leave without ultimatums or warnings. I know I'll just go.
We'll see how it goes.