I'm the Outsider in Our Family

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My DH and I have been married for three years and I have three grown children who are out on their own (two are married with one child each and one is in a relationship). DH has two daughters, one is away at college and the other lives with us full-time with visitation with her BM when BM chooses, which isn't too often.

The problem is that DH and SD16 act as a team, there is no united front with us when it comes to discipline or decision-making, even as something as simple as making a grocery list. He allows her to make the decisions and I am supposed to merely go along with it. I have told him that I am NOT okay with this but this behavior continues. I am expected to pick her up from school as she doesn't have her drivers' license yet and other expectations as well. He works full-time and I am on disability and I feel that if they are the ones making all of the decisions that he can taken on the responsibilities as well. Am I wrong for that? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Can't she ride the bus at

Can't she ride the bus at school?

Unfortunately, no. She is on

Unfortunately, no. She is on a special transfer to a school outside of our home boundary and is not eligible for bus transportation. DH takes her to school in the mornings and I am expected to pick her up.

while sd is at school write

while sd is at school write up shopping list and go groc shopping. If they write up their own list let them shop for items on that list. Let he take the bus and use the word "no" more often. I think some of us smoms simply don't know how to set our own bounderies and claim our homes. I have to admit though that I am happy my sd was an adult and out on her own before I met dh. When she visits I grow smaller in my own home so I totally get what you mean.

I have lived this for 3 years

I have lived this for 3 years -being expected to do everything yet be a part of nothing. I was just to go with the flow of whatever BM told DH she was doing and he went along with it. He went along with it without consulting me but would need my help all the time in form or the other, mostly babysitting and errand running to various practices and stuff. Make meals SS8 likes, do whatever activity SS8 wants to do.

But in June, a bad situation brought everything to a head and I lost it. I mean I lost it on his ass. Then I stepped back, came to this board for support, plotted and regrouped. Eventually I came up with a plan that is starting to work. I partially disengaged. No more babysitting, esp without prior consultation or while I'm working. No more errand running. I only engage to protect myself, my time and expectations on me as well as if the rules of my home are not being followed. It's starting to work already I believe and if nothing else, I have a lot more peace of mind. I didn't want to be a martyr, angry and run over in my later life, just to say well at least I'm married. No, I couldn't take that.

You have to disengage some and set the rules yourself of how you'll be utilized if at all. You have to let him know that you will not be pushed aside as the Woman of your Household and if he doesn't make the changes to include you, be content being excluded by building your own life that is not spent catering to them.