You move in, this will get worse. He will not ever see it...Not until it gets much worse. He created this.

Yeah, you have a mini-wife situation on your hands. Rarely does it get better, especially if the dad has no problem with it. In fact, some of these men love it, two women competing for top dog.

And it should not have to be a competition, you should be #1 and feel it.

A 15 year old sleeping with her dad? :jawdrop: :sick:

Run, and don't look back...that is my advice! You are right, this girl's relationship with daddy is too weird! Talk about mini-wife! She will only try to continue to bet between the two of you if you take this relationship to the next level.

WOW. He seriously needs boundaries with her. I thought DH let SD control him but this is way over the top. Sleeping in the same bed with a teenage child of the opposite sex is not even close to OK and he should know better.

I occasionally let my BD sleep with me when she was around 15, right after he father passed.

The girl is sending you a clear message. "My house, My dad."

I'm afraid that no matter how you try to approach it, your boyfriend and his daughter are NOT going to be happy about it. They're going to kick back and fuss and say that this is not YOUR decision to make, and you have no right to try to "lay down the law" to them.

They're going to say, "This is just how we do it, cocathy, so suck it up and learn to deal with it!"

I'm sorry, I just don't see them changing. Your boyfriend will continue to let her be his mini-wife, and she'll continue to barge in and use your stuff whenever she sees fit. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that after you try to discuss this situation and how uncomfortable it makes you, the daughter will start to do MORE things that she knows will bother you, just to teach you a lesson for trying to speak up about it. She'll put you in your place, which is definitely NOT above her in this little dynamic.

If I were you, I'd talk to your boyfriend first. Let him know in no uncertain terms the things that bother you and that you cannot tolerate any longer. If he doesn't change anything or see these things as a problem, RUN. RUN FAST!

I'm learning the hard way right now that often our significant others aren't willing to put us above their kids. I'm living with it at this very moment, in fact, only my steps are all boys, all under the age of ten. DH is letting me know with his every action (and inaction) toward his kids that I just don't matter. At least, not when it's a situation where his boys are involved. They'll always come first, and I'll come second. It's heartbreaking to realize what I married into. If I had known before the wedding that things would turn out this way, I'd have never married him.

But hey, at least you're not married yet. Seriously, though, you need to have that talk with your boyfriend as soon as possible, and definitely DON'T get married while these issues are still present in your life. If they don't get better and STAY better, run!

Let's be honest-- men can be absolutely dense about things. Talking to him is the first step. I would be very firm about the sleeping in the same bed issue-that this MUST stop immediately. I know it's a sensitive subject, but truly, this could have consequences for him. And honestly, it's unhealthy for them both. And it's probably a power play on her part. Sometimes you have to point out things that seem obvious to everyone else. Talk kindly and rationally to him about it. Make it clear you are coming from a place of concern. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. If he refuses to stop this behavior, I think you have to go.

Did you know anything about their dynamic (dysfunction) before you actually met her? I see you didn't meet her until almost a year and a half in. I'm all for waiting to introduce kids to partners but that's a long time. I'm wondering if you haven't been manipulated just a bit?

you feel you can live like that until she's grown and gone

From the sounds of it, grown and gone isn't going to mean a thing. This girl is not going to let her father go (and/or vice versa).

And, again, the co-sleeping, ugh. When I was about 11 or 12, my vacation with my grandparents overlapped in the same city where my dad was on business, so he had me fly home with him so I wouldn't miss the first few days of school. He already had a hotel room, with 1 bed. Guess where he slept? The FLOOR, while I slept in the bed.

It's bad enough and creepy that the daughter thinks it's okay to sleep with her dad, but he should definitely know better.

Why do people think that when a parent complains about their own child, that it's open invitation to also complain about said kids? I learned this lesson really early in life. I had friends who were sisters. They could fight like cats and dogs. But I only dared to take sides once. The sister with whom I took sides let me know in no uncertain terms I was to not say or do one bad thing about her sister. And they were fighting over who got to play with me more!

Likewise, even though I might complain about my kids, I don't want to hear even my mother complain about them, let alone my lover, friend, stranger, neighbor, boyfriend or partner. If you did not help produce the child, keep your opinions limited. If I am bitching about my kids, it might mean I trust you enough to show that vulnerability. It also shows I'm consciously or unconsciously showing awareness of the problem at hand. Give me concrete advice if you must like : do a, b, c. But don't pile on me and don't throw it in my face later.

Oh and in before someone suggests that they just loooove hearing negative feedback about their children. You have either been miraculously blessed with sensitive people who are really looking out for your children's wellbeing (like teacher or counselor). Or you're lying to yourself to justify your nasty feelings for a "skid".

For Gods sake if you have to keep having sex with this guy use birth control such as The Pill AND condoms. If you get pregnant you're asking for nothing but 20 years of trouble and if you actually marry this guy this girl will be out of control, that is to say she will be in total control you haven't even dreamed of.

HE IS NOT going to change. I do not care how much talking, educating, pointing out and counseling he gets he is not going to change.

You really need to admit to him that you made a mistake, do that to avoid any argument over fault and you don't have to explain your own mistakes. I.e. you're not pointing the finger at him. Leave as soon as possible, tomorrow but certainly this weekend to end any further discussion. It's pointless.

Is what he's doing illegal? It would depend on what's touching what but the girl isn't going to finger him and will certainly lie for him so forget about it just get out.

I know you've got a lot emotionally tied up in this guy. You've worked for what 2 years at making sure but this situation is what engagements are for. To find out if its really going to work and even then things can be hidden. (Ask me about my ex wife). But you can throw away 2 years or you can spent another 10 to 20 before you realize that you've been wasting them also. I do feel sorry but if you go through with a marriage it'll get worse and please don't bring another kid into this and have another child of divorce. There are no unwounded children in a divorce.

OMG I'm scared now. My bf is this way, but with his son. (They don't sleep together, but everything else! LOL) I just keep praying it will end when the boy is gone, but now I'm learning it may never happen? Ugggghhhh. I mean, it's always a possibility, but now I feel it's a certainty. Thanks, guys! LOL

First. 15 is way too old to be sleeping with Daddy. What has BM said about this? Your boyfriend needs to know that this is highly inappropriate and that he could get into HUGE trouble with Child Protection. This should have been stopped IMMEDIATELY.

Secondly - the disrespecting of your stuff is a huge NO NO. Your boyfriend has to back you up and support you in this. He needs to teach his kids respect and how to treat other people's property.

Lastly - if he's not going to get on board and starts to support you then you need to save your sanity and run like hell. He needs to introduce boundaries for ALL your sakes. Failure to do so tends to invite dramas, miscommunication, tension and in the end, caos.

You've been seeing each other for over 2 years, and he only introduced you 7 months ago, "not to push boundaries." I'd say it was not to scare you away. He first made sure that he had his hooks into you before he introduced you to his second wife (his ex is probably still his first).

He already has a wife of sorts -- his daughter. You will only be there for sex. Run! No amount of talking, discussing, stating your "feelings," "hopes," "dreams," "concerns" is going to make one hell of a difference. He will give you your own baby to get you the hell off his daughter and his back, but you will resent him more for it. You are destined for a life of misery at the hands of daddy darling and his darling daughter.

My battle began when SD was 7…yours is 15….WAY too late for any changes. Not to mention, your BF sounds much more ingrained in a mutually enabling relationship with his daughter than mine was, and mine was bad enough. It doesn't give me good feelings to scare you. Actually, every time I type about mini-wife my stomach hurts (it physically hurts right now) because it dredges up my memories of what I went through (and still do to some extent). Just the other day SD17 send my OH a selfie pouting at him saying how much she looks like him. WTF.

Thank GOD you found this site. Now you need to take our advice! RUN! Your alternative is alcohol, antidepressants and a general run down of your health. Step families increase the aging process and a teenage mini-wife will have you looking likeyYour BF's mother instead of lover before too long.

If this hasn't scared you, MOVE…do not move into the house that the two of them had made a comfy cozy nest for themselves in….that will simply make you MORE of an intruder, as you already are in both their eyes (yes, your BF's too). KTQ is right on.

P.S. Read ktq's blog.

I am in a similar situation...my boyfriend is 20 years older with 14 and 10 year olds. Your boyfriend HAS to set boundaries. You two need to sit down and set up a parenting plan and he HAS to stick with it. I caught the 14 year old using my makeup, nail polish, hair tools, etc when I found a bunch of my missing stuff in your room.

I nipped it in the bud IMMEDIATELY. My boyfriend had a talk with her about boundaries and the importance of asking if she wants to borrow something, which she now does. I also make sure I offer to let her borrow things, stressing that she please put it back when she is finished. Also positive reinforcement helps a lot when she follows the rules.

This is all up to your boyfriend though, he needs to set the tone

"So here is my question: WHAT DO I DO?? Do I bring it up to my boyfriend? Am I completely out of line? Is it none of business? My fear is that nothing will change and I will end up resenting them. I feel unimportant and disrespected by them both. It’s already taken a toll on our relationship so I know that if it doesn’t get resolved, or if I can’t find peace, I can’t move in. Which means inevitably, I need to end the relationship. Yes?? "

Sure, bring it up with your boyfriend. Tell him that you and SD have a great relationship - when he's not around. Tell him that his parenting is leaving you feel weird and uncomfortable. Why not? Maybe it'll actually work. (My bet is no, he's going to tell you it's none of your business and he is DEAD WRONG.) You are NOT out of line. It IS your business. And if you feel unimportant and disrespected by them BOTH then I'm sort of thinking that talking to your boyfriend isn't going to help - if respecting you was a priority, he'd already be doing it, you wouldn't have to "talk to him". Talk to him though, see if it can get resolved. But if not, listen to your own advice - "if it doesn’t get resolved, or if I can’t find peace, I can’t move in". YES.

Edited to add:
For what it's worth, I'm a smom to 3 stepdaughters, the youngest of whom is now 17. ALL THREE of them would have been completely and utterly grossed out by the idea of sleeping in the same bed as their dad by the time they were maybe 11 or 12. (DH would have been wildly uncomfortable with it long before then.) Both your boyfriend and his daughter are NOT NORMAL in that regard, do NOT let them tell you differently just because you're "not a mother". It's WEIRD. Virtually anyone with a healthy father/daughter relationship would think it was gross.

I can only answer this based on my experience with my own SD's and husband. One SD more then the other.

Something happens between a man and his daughter when he and BM split. Esp if your husband is an active Father with decent time alotted for interaction with his child.

I feel like the day my ex and his wife split that my husband began dating his daughter. Let me expand on that.

He has two daughters when he and bm split the oldest was 4 the youngest alittle under 2.

Oldest SD became DH shadow. Daddy will make dinner you watch the baby. Help Daddy bathe the baby, wanna help Daddy clear the table. Let's take the baby out for a walk in the stroller. Let's put the baby to bed and then we can watch TV just you and Daddy. The list is endless. This would not be an issue for an intact marriage. The child would understand that this was her time with Daddy, and then Mommy has her time.

This went on for 4 years before I came along. When I busted on to the scene, the true natural Daddy Daughter relationship that would be productive and sane, is now a deshevled mess.

I cant be with her Daddy, I cant walk beside him, I cant sit beside him, when he calls out Babe, SD responds. I cant parent her at all, because she has been treated like an equal for so long that she thinks decisions in our home should be discussed with Me, her Dad and Her. And she made no bones about stating that at 10 years old. I could not parent her 6 year old sister at all, that wasnt my place after all when she was with BM BM was her Mommy. And when she had visitation with us, SD was youngers Mommy. There was zero place for me in this.

At 12, she lost her shit, went after one of my kids. With that I was done, I could no longer have her in my house unless she had some kinda of counseling with her Dad to correct the very dynamic in their relationship that you are discussing here in this post about your SD. She was so sure in her decision that after not speaking to her Dad for 4 weeks that she at 12 years old sat accross a table from my DH and told him outright that he needed to leave me if he wanted her in his life

Shortly there after she moved out of state with BM. Summer visits for 30 days at a time were miserable. If her younger sister interacted with me and my children, she would be threatened and bullied by OSD that when they got home she would tell MOM and there would ge hell to pay.

At 15 OSD and Mom came to a fork in the road. Unfortunatly because BM is a crazy no wire hangers kinda Momma, she beat the living shit out of SD and I reluctantly agreed to take SD15. DH and I had laid out the way things were going to be done in our home SD understood the rules.

When SD moved back in I had that creepy feel too. Snuggling with Daddy, walking around in skimpy ruffle butted underwear in a sweat shirt, every morning while her Dad was in the shower she would be in the bathroom with him getting ready for school, hair, makeup whatever. They would be in there for a good 20 minutes. This is what their conversations sounded like: so what is your plan for the day, or how was work/school yesterday. THEY sounded married, and I again was left on the outside looking in. We addressed this with SD counselor when we went in to discuss issues. SD wasnt with us. The counselor gave DH directions on how to retrack his relationship to be healthy with SD. By being my husband first, and her parent, not her buddy or best friend her PARENT. He was on board for 2 weeks.

When my kids who are two years younger then her would go to their Dad's on the weekend every other week and once SD15 said. I really like the weekends when the "kids" arent here and it is just us adults. Let's just say the next year and a half of her being there almost wiped out my marriage.

Listen I dont want to tell you not to take that next step because I of all people understand when you find someone that you know is right for you then noone wants to wait. I wish I still felt all the love, admiration, over the moon, cant live with out this man kinda love. And I do absolutly adore my husband, but the resentment I feel for him clouds those feelings. I so miss where you are right now.

She is 15, if you can at all hold off moving in with him until she is 18 and heading out to college.

Your relationship will benefit from it

"Warning, Will Robinson!!"