Mini Wife is ruining our relationship
I moved in with my partner 8 months ago, his almost 18 year old daughter lives with us full time. SD completely ignores me, avoids me in the house (waits until I am in the shower to come out to speak to Daddy), excludes me from anything as much as she possibly can, will only speak to me when she has to ie. "hi how was your day?" her response under her breath is "good" as she keeps walking past me. She has never once said "good thankyou, how was your day?". Never. She does nothing around the house, leaves her dishes everynight, never attends school for a whole week - she is "sick" at least 2 days per week. she does not have any friends, she spends 99% of her time in her room doing god knows what. She will spend hours in the bathroom so that no one else can get in there. She is extremely demanding on my partner, getting him to stop at the shops on his way home from working a physical job (he works 12-`13 hour days) for food that just sits there and rots. She has a brand new Hyundai i30, a brand new Iphone 11 Pro, all of her personal products are from high end expensive shops, she attends a private school which costs thousands each month.......basically has everything any child could possibly want and more and spends most of her time sulking. She is moody, rude, very arrogant and quite frankly, the rudest child I have ever met in my life. she acts as though she is the woman of the house, I cannot move things or decorate the way I want to because she sulks and tells Daddy she doesnt like it. I once put a beautiful candle in the bathroom and she complained that it was in her way so her dad made me remove it. FFS. She never closes her bedroom door, it's like she sits in there and listens to all of our conversations so she knows what plans we make, so she can ruin them. She wanted to go and see her aunty in NZ a year ago, lasted 2 days and missed Daddy so much she had to come home (thousands of dollars of course but she didnt care), the list is endless. Its to the point where I literally feel quite ill when I am on my way home, I cannot stand it. I just dont know what to do, my partner treats her like an absolute golden princess. She is no where near becoming independent as most children are and I am so afraid she will never leave home. My partner divorced some ten years prior to meeting me, so I was not the cause of his marriage breakdown. I work full time, look after the house, shopping, cooking, laundry - and she does nothing. I don't ask him for any money, I pay my own way. I drive around in a car worth $500 and right in front of my nose he buys her a brand new car which she doesnt have to work for at all. I am a joke to her. I have tried explaining how I feel to my partner, but he sees that he is doing nothing wrong and simply says "its just the way she is". I love him dearly but I am thinking of moving out. Can anyone offer any advice?
SD isn't ruining your relationship.
Your idiot SO is the one ruining your relationship.
What is it about him that is worthy of the love you have for him?
Not much from what I can see from your post. He worships his daughter, neglects you and your concerns and is a failed husband and father and for sure a failed SO for you.
Take care of you.
Move on.
you are right...
yes you are so right. I feel really stupid. It isn't her that's the issue, it is him. I was just honestly hoping that being so near adulthood she would actually grow up herself and start treating me like a human being. He has created a monster and enables her to behave badly. If he actually parented her she would be a much better human. thanks I appreciate your words xxx
I wish that I was not right.
And that your SO was a great partner for you.
Take care of yourself.
It is definitely your partner
It is definitely your partner who is allowing, and so promoting, this enmeshed relationship. You say SD does nothing - will she still be in full time education? If not, she needs to have a job and definitely should be contributing to the running of the household by doing her fair share of chores. If she turns 18, is not in education, she needs to get a job - for me that would be a condition for staying here.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
I hardly know where to start
I hardly know where to start on this one. She's the product of his parenting. He showers her with gifts. He lets her disrespect you. He has no expectations from her other than that she lives and breathes. He allows her to be queen of the castle. As for shipping her back from NZ after two days - WOW! That one took my breath away.
Some questions. Where is her mother in all this? What does the visitation schedule look like? What are the plans for her after she leaves school? Is there no reaction from the school at her 40% absence rate?
I'm not sure it's worth the effort to try and change a situation where they are both clearly comfortable in their respective roles. I'd be inclined to chalk the last eight months up to experience and walk away. I doubt there is anything you could say or do which wold change things. The longer you stay, the more your resentment will build up and eat away at you. Is he really worth it?
You are definitely not
You are definitely not appreciated at all. If she did finally leave, do you really think your relationship would improve, or would he be just as focused on her? Possibly more so because he will miss having his precious daughter around and any time she wanted it needed anything he would run to her rescue.
It's okay to admit that you
It's okay to admit that you made a mistake - pack up and move right out again. This guy already has a partner, and it's not you. And this mini-wife won't be leaving any time soon, she's the failure to launch type.
It seems like you already
It seems like you already understand that your SD is a monster of your husbands creation. It seems like he has more money than brains. When children are very indulged like your SD it is very hard for them to launch or for them to be cut off when they become adults and try to strike out on their own. You can expect from him to be footing the bill for her first apartment for travel in her twenties, four loads of spending money if she goes to college, a large wedding when the time comes and help with the down payment of the house.
if you and your husband have separate finances and his financial decisions are not negatively affecting you or your future as a couple then there isn't much you can do. However it might be smart for you to discuss a plan with him about her future and her getting out on her own. How much help is he going to be giving her and do you need to focus on saving for your retirement, improving your house or maybe moving to a new one, paying down debts, traveling things like that. leave the conversation with a five-year plan for you and your husband and then once you discuss your plans together you can begin to discuss how SD and her financial needs factor into that.
It's very hard to not put yourself against SD in this type of situation so you must be very careful to approach it from a standpoint of you and your husband planning your future as a couple.
That girls will never leave.
That girl will never leave. Why should she? Daddy gives her everything she wants and she doesn't have any responsibilities.
She'll never be able to hold a job because "work" is a foreign concept. And if she doesn't like something her boss asks of her (like showing up on time or meeting a deadline), it won't be "fair" or the boss is a "bully." We've seen it a thousand times here.
Does she have long term plans? Goals (reasonable ones, and more definite than being independently wealthy)?
It infuriates me that parents care so little about their children that they don't give them the skills they need to cope in life. Yet they think they lurve them so much because they give them everything they could possibly want, and more. That's not love. It's pure selfishness on the parent's part.
I feel for you in this tough
I feel for you in this tough situation. It sounds to me like SD is depressed and really needs boundaries established by her father. I'm thinking counseling could help. How long did you know her before you moved in? Even though it's nice to have money, it doesn't solve everything especially emotional issues. She needs to have some responsibilites around the house & feel good about accomplishing things on her own. Her rude behavior is up the creek.
It also sounds like a lack of commuication between you & SO - the fact that he bought SD a new car "in front of my nose." I agree with SeeYouNever about thinking of the 5-year plan - what kind of financial arrangement do You want with him? Will you continue to keep house, etc. & pay your own way (which is very convenient for him) while he gives more & more $$ to his daughter? Set some healthy boundaries with him. He'll either step up to the plate or go by the wayside - in which case, good riddance.