Background…SD lives half country away and visits once or twice a year (whenever BM sees fit). She’s now 17 and I’ve been with bf since she was 9 (married him when she was 12). Very typical, she doesn’t like me and only likes dh for his money and absolutely RULES the house and checkbook when she’s here. Anyway, dh pays his child support, health insurance, doesn’t claim her on taxes, (b/c BM told him he couldn’t, contrary to custody/child support agreement…but in order to not “rock the boat”, he complies with her demands), pays for airfare 1-2 times a year and blows a boatload of money whenever she’s here. Now mind you, my BD (14) has to earn every dollar we give her and I was put on a very tight “allowance” when it came to her school clothes/supplies this year (just like every year). Keep in mind too that I am the MAIN breadwinner in the house and always have been. Anyway, SD has been faithfully calling dh every day for the last week so I knew something was up since she typically calls him only when she wants something or getting closer to visiting time so she can run all her "wants" by her Dad before she gets here. Then I get a call from dh today saying SD texted him and asked if he would buy her school clothes. Here we go. I knew there was a reason she was calling him..there’s always a reason and it’s ALWAYS money (I swear on a Bible, I knew it was coming). I stood my ground and said “Absolutely not”. BM has three kids by three dads in three states and gets child support from two and lives with the other (14 years her junior). My argument is that dh pays his monthly support obligation and BM knows that school comes every year at the exact same time and she should have been budgeting (they wear uniforms so I'm not understanding exactly what it is she needs?). I have two children of my own, NEVER even collected child support and didn’t go to my ex to supplement my life. I WORKED and I budgeted. She’s the dumb bit$! who quit her job out of the blue last year and expects all three men to support her (in essence it’s me because BF wasn’t really working a solid job the first 7 years of our relationship and then I supported him while he got an associate degree). BM hasn’t given up anything after quitting her job…she still has a membership to a gym, goes out partying with her 26 year old bf (she’s 40), buys herself new clothes, smokes her cigarettes and God only knows what else, takes trips to see her bf’s family, new cell phones, etc……DH tried to make the case to me that “most fathers out there still pay for things even though they pay child support”. First of all, he can’t compare himself to “most men” because the circumstances are all different. MOST of those men also get to see their children more than once a year, know what’s going on in their life and their children respect them as a father. And they may buy them a thing here and there, but not EVERYTHING that comes up. It inferiorities me that I had to sacrifice while he didn’t have a job and went to school and now that he has the best job he’s had in his entire life, we wants to pay it forward to his BD and in essence her BM. I probably wouldn’t be so adamant about the money, however, SD has made comments to my BD’s such as “My mom told me to get as much out of my Dad as I can while I’m here b/c he doesn’t pay that much child support”…..or “If my Dad thinks I came to visit him only, he’s got another thing coming because I’m grounded for the whole summer when I get home and I came down to have a good time”…. “my Dad annoys me when he tries to hang out with me”…”The only way I’m coming back to visit my Dad after I graduate school is if my Dad pays for it”…….”I don’t care what my Dad or your Mom think about how I dress because they don’t buy my clothes, my mom does and she doesn’t have a problem with how I dress…she even wears my clothes” (this stems from her wearing bandaids for shirts and booty-shorts for every attire) and the snide comments go on and on and on. I’ve even overheard conversations between SD and BM calling my BD “fat”. And she does nothing with her father while she’s here unless it involves spending money on her or unless him and I have something planned alone, then she wants to spend time with him. We basically fly her here to visit her one cousin who mirrors her way of life….trashy and all about the boys and to take her on a summer vacation and buy her basically whatever she wants, when she wants. (dh even took her to get her belly-button pierced this year….had to go to four different places before she could get it done). What Dad takes his daughter to get a “tramp stamp” at 17 no less??? Let alone, spend his entire evening literally driving all over town doing it? (He won’t even take my BD a mile away to her friend’s house without throwing a fit). Another factoid, she's been busted steeling cigarettes from my purse when she was 14, and no punishment If my BD ever stole from me or him, he'd literally expect me to break her fingers or ground her for life (probably exagerating a bit, but not much). Basically everthing SD does wrong is because of someone else, and everything my BD's do wrong is the end of the world and I'd better punish them (or he will relentlessly nag at them). OK, I’m getting completely off course now, but I never vent to anyone so it’s flowing very easily right now. Additionally, I have to account for every dime I spend to my husband, however, with SD, our checkbook has an unlimited source of funds. He feels he’s obligated because “it’s not for BM it’s for SD”. SD's manipulating BM is a whole other book. I get very worked up when it comes to the money because that is truly all he is to them, an ATM. He’s like putty when it comes to SD and BM and strong as steel when it comes to me and my BD’s. He also has this ridiculous excuse every time it comes to his SD doing something wrong or inappropriate, “Well she was raised by her mother, what can I do about it?” At what age does she become accountable for her own actions and does he start being a father? And the more he tries to justify, the angrier I get, then when I’m away from him and the argument at hand, I start second guessing myself ……especially because I know he’s going to discuss it with his co-workers and family (leaving out many pertinent details so they side with him) and make me out to be the bad guy. And he will use these “Other people” in our future arguments as backup. I’d almost rather just give in than to have other people think I’m a heartless SM who won’t allow her dh to buy his daughter school clothes (or whatever the battle may be at the time). Then I think….on the other hand, it’s really the principle behind it. Before he started dating me (which was at the age of 32 so immaturity isn’t a defense), he never bought her school clothes and it wasn’t a priority for him to make more money to do so….he was perfectly happy paying his minimum obligation (which didn’t even include healthcare at the time and his family usually bought her plane ticket). Soon after we started dating, BM caught wind from SD that “Dad has this and Dad has that” and started making her manipulating phone calls to dh. Then all of a sudden it became priority for him to spend his time with SD with them two only and to start buying this and that….and it really pisses me off because I sacrificed things that my BD’s could have had and time of mine they would have benefited from in order to support him and buy things for SD and spend time with the two of them…….and as I said earlier, he wants to pay it forward to someone else. I want to add one more detail……last Christmas, BM sent me a very nasty email because I didn’t respond right away when she sent me an email question about SD’s travel itinerary (b/c I honestly don’t check my emails daily), and basically told me that because I “ignored her” I wasn’t allowed to make travel arrangements for SD anymore, only dh was and he was the only one to be able to communicate with SD and BM and that I had an attitude and that if I didn’t adhere to her commands, dh wouldn’t be allowed his yearly visit…”Just try me”. (it was really much nastier and condescending….but this was the crux of it). Then to top it off, she didn’t make her departing flight and had SD call dh and tell him the only way she was going to get to come is if we gave our credit card number to the airline agent to pay the extra $200 to change her flight and fly her out the next day. So in essence, it shortened her visit by one day, and cost us a total of $750 (right at Christmas time) to fly her here. My first inclination was to call BM’s bluff and call off the visit and sue her for the plane ticket. But of course dh wouldn’t do that. Now mind you, if you knew me well, you would know that anyone who sent me an email like that and pulled a stunt like that; A. would be laying on the ground or B. at minimum, would have gotten a phone call letting her know exactly what I think of her and her commands…….however, I was “strongly” urged by my dh not to even respond because he didn’t want it ruining his chance of getting his bd for Christmas….so to this day, I still haven’t responded….I’ve been “patiently” waiting until the day she graduates to “respond” to BM’s email. And guess what, we’re GOING to her graduation. Can’t wait!
In any event, am I being unreasonable? Oh boy, any advice is greatly appreciated and truly taken into consideration. At this point, any advice is better than none. Ughhhh.
Sorry for the book