My 11 y/o SD lies about me ( and bio mom too)
I know this is a common, recurring topic, and maybe i just missed where it came up in other posts? But I need to get some perspective and advice I guess.
We went through the custody battle, my husband lost his primary custody (judge decided it was Mom's turn to boil a horrible few years into a few words) and so we have continued our lives.
My step daughter plays the parents against each other, and we are aware of that. We all belive this is a tactic-she gets in trouble, and deflects "my mom calls me names, my step mom does this other mean thing.. "(I will go into detail later). She thinks she will get out of trouble if she turns the parent onto the other parent. Doesn't work in our house, and bio mom says it doesn't work there either. Co-parenting is just now beginning to be tolerable, so my SD probably still thinks she can get away with it, I don't know.
Anyway, at last week's therapy appointment between my SD's therapist, mom and dad, her mom played a recording of SD saying how I "lock her outside in the summer heat with only a water bottle dogs to play with" (I know, not that bad in comparison to other children's lies but still hurtful.) bio mom says she doesn't buy it and wants to co-parent better with my husband at this point. She also says that my SD says she takes revenge on us, in response to consequences, and wipes her dirty tushy on our towels, and hides dog poo in our room (if she chooses not to close her bedroom door, we may ask her to clean it up if the dogs go in there!).
How do other parents deal with this? Obviously we can't confront her, because bio mom wont confide in us anymore.
thanks for any advice!
Well, someone needs to
Well, someone needs to confront her. How else will she know it's not working and that she needs to knock it off and be given consequences for lying and manipulating?
Totally agree with you and
Totally agree with you and thank y ou for your response.
That's part Liam what I'm
That's part Liam what I'm asking though is how do we confront her without giving away things ?
I meant; that's partly what
I meant; that's partly what I'm asking.
Giving away what things? She
Giving away what things?
She needs to know that you, your DH, and BM talk and that she cannot get away with pitting you all against each other. If BM truly wants to co-parent, she needs to do it and SD needs to know it. That includes letting SD know that you all are communicating and are in agreement that this will not be tolerated.
Her dad and therapist don't
Her dad and therapist don't think we should confront her, because then she will know that she cant confide in her parents (?). Her dad doesn't want to bring it up this weekend, he told me we need to be careful how we approach this. However, her mom requested that when she says stuff like this, that she should be able to call my husband in that moment to confront him so my SD knows it won't be tolerated. I think it needs to be addressed and my husband needs to let her know it won't be tolerated. I just don't know the best plan of action.
Hate to say it, but BM is
Hate to say it, but BM is right. Confront the shit out of her. We had this problem for a while. First time I called my SD out she bawled her eyes put she was so embarrassed. BM and i will call eachother when the kids try thw "at moms" or at "dad's" trick. The answer is no, all the adults are the same way. You do what your told when your told by whomever of the three of us tell you to do or you won't be happy. End. Of. Story. Trust me, that shot stopped real fast.
Yea, when she was younger,
Yea, when she was younger, she would lie to both us and her bio mom and pit us against each other. We both believed her, and didn't think she would lie about things, until we were both accused of hurting her! so... we figured that one out. I just know that her mom and dad are not going to sit in the same room with her.... for a very long time.
thank you for your advice. also, she has been in therapy since kindergarten, so that is already set up.
Her dad and therapist don't
Her dad and therapist don't think we should confront her, because then she will know that she cant confide in her parents
That is bunch of bull, what she is doing is not confiding; it's being a lying, manipulative brat and she needs her ass busted.
The 3 of you sit her down and explain it to her, that's the plan of action. And she suffers consequences every time.
Confiding would be telling her mom about a boy she likes, telling her mom she rubs her butt on your towels is something else altogether.
What does her mom do/say to her when she tells her about the naughty things that she does for revenge? Or when she lies about you?
We really have no idea what
We really have no idea what she does or has ever done in response to this , but I believe she must of gotten some kind of positive attention reinforcement over the years a row she would've stopped doing it but now . This is usually how it goes at our house : she will get in trouble for something , we begin to start discussing consequences and she was saying well thank you for not yelling at me and calling me ugly names and cussing at me like my mom done . And I say discuss that with your therapist ( I say this because it's a long-running habit of hers and I'm not going to feed into it anymore ) now back to the consequences . And I say quit doing that because I know you were doing the same thing about me and your dad at your moms house . ( I didn't really know she was really doing this as often as she is doing it , until this meeting they had last week - I was just guessing by the way she does it about her mom )
as it turns out , my husband the bio mom and the therapist all agreed to wipe the slate clean and move forward and not confront her about this and not give her consequences . That is my problem . I did not realize that they had already made a decision not to confront her about the specific situation .
I suggested that he email the bio mom and ask her if they could talk over the phone put her on speaker and all three of them discuss this . I think you should also point out that he has not received a phone call from her since this meeting a few days ago and does that mean she has not chosen to play the parents of against each other at her moms house for this whole week ? (or has she chosen not to coparent again . )
I personally would like for them to discuss it over the phone at least because I know they are not going to meet , and I would like for her to help me wash all the towels in the house , and look for that dog poop in our room ! Lol
I know a major factor here though is I am just frustrated and I wanted stopped , I don't want to bigger line told to the school , etc. she is really funny like this , she has certain stories that she puts on replay for new people and for dramatic situations like family get-togethers . I truly believe that one of the stories is going to pop up at Christmas dinner when making new friends etc.
on the other hand they have already made a decision and at this point if he emails heard it's going to look very much like I'm the one with the problem and he changed his mind and now he wants it dries . That's also how it always goes . Step mom problems.
Both parents need to confront
Both parents need to confront her together & let her know you will not listen to what happens at one another's houses anymore. She is manipulating them .
Make her dry her face with
Make her dry her face with the towel she wiped her a$$ on and put the dog poo under her pillow. I'd be installing locks on my personal bathroom and bedroom. Give her paper towels to dry off with. Ugh, what a horrible child. What a demon spawn }:) Have you considered shipping her off to military school?
thank you for your advice, i
thank you for your advice, i don't know that I would go that far
so my SD came home today with
so my SD came home today with reports of poor choices at her school field trip. she says she is stressed about coming to our home because I make her wash her hands too much and shower daily, and the before said things---( and she doesnt need to shower daily. ) she says that she doesnt want to tell her dad this stuff, because he will get mad.... (he is upset that she made poor choices at school and blames it on me!!) she also says that she shouldnt have as many transitions, but she would be sad if the schedule was changed. (where did she get this idea??)
her mom emailed prior to school letting out and said... "ana had a bad transition this time, she is stressed, tried to console her, bad field trip".
J- (ex wife)
I would like to take you up on that offer to call you this evening. Ana has made some accusations/expressed her feelings toward Rozy as you know, and is saying she was having trouble transitioning to my house because of that.
I do not think its appropriate to blame her bad choices on the fact that she doesnt like Rozy, so i feel that consequences are still appropriate. do you agree with this?
I would like to have a phone call with you and Ana this evening, to discuss the things Ana feels towards the transition. she said things to me, and i know she has said things to you. the phone call is not to defend rozy but so that we are on the same page. (some things she said is that Rozy makes her wash her hands too much, and she doesnt feel she needs to shower each night).
she started by saying she didnt want to tell me, because i would be mad. i explained to her that i am always ready to hear what she has to say. what upsets me is blaming a transition for poor behavior. (are you and i in agreement on this?)
I was hoping to discuss with you more today in person, but a phone call will be fine with me.
also, i would like to know your thoughts on this transition schedule. she jumped to a new transition schedule, and said she wouldn't want to change things or decrease a visitation with me because she would miss us. where did that come from? have you discussed it? I am open to hearing options, because i don't want to "cause undue stress" but like i said, i do not believe that its appropriate or acceptable to blame poor choices at school on a transition. at this point, i will try what we need to, so if ana feels a different transition schedule is necessary for her stress level, i will try what ideas you have.
what time is good for you? 7pm ok?
(my husband)
I was divorced when my
I was divorced when my daughter was 5. About the middle school years she started the playing one parent against the other. Of course it took a while before we caught on. Her step mother and I actually became really good friends over this as we co-parented as a team. My daughter was in absolute shock when she came home from school to find Me, my ex and his wife and my parents sitting in the living room waiting for her. We called her on the carpet (in a nice loving way) about things that she has been doing. We assured her that step mom was not being mean to her or treating her like Cinderella as she would put it but rather teaching her and guiding her. From that day on she knew that we all meant business and that we were a team with her best interest in our hearts. Her step mother and I have remained really good friends. My ex and I do not speak, no need to do that. My daughter still complains about her step mother from time to time and now that she is an adult I just listen. The step mother complains to me about my daughter and I just listen. It's all good. I highly recommend what we did. Have a meeting and let her know that you all are a team from this day on. Look at it like a job. Have weekly conference phone meetings about daughter. I think being on both sides the only thing that my daughter resented to this day was for her step mother being the one handing out the discipline and the consequences. It should have been her father but he was to weak to do it. He would ground her for a week and she was out in two hours. I don't know if you have grandparents in the picture but I think that it really helped us by having them there.
Be my hex? Pretty please?
Be my hex? Pretty please?
Thank you! absolutely the
Thank you! absolutely the same boat. My DH actually called the BM last night to discuss the whole "stressed about coming here" and "new visitation plan" thing, and of course, NO response. she didn't read the email he sent until 9pm, we have to use our family wizard for communication. He called her earlier that day to let her know that SD caught the bus so could she meet SD at the bus stop, (even though she wasn't supposed to.) since BM lives close to it- no response, but she texts back. we thought for a second she would co-parent (even though we should know better-she straight up told the court while sitting on the stand at custody hearings, that she refuses to co parent with him, especially me.)
background- BM attacked me 2 weeks after DH and I married because I showed up to SD's karate class, when BM told us im not to go to after school events. that is not something im proud of, ive been told I should never have gone there, and I deserved it, but hind sight is 20/20. She emailed DH many many letters about me and how toxic i am, and horrible for her DD to be around.... etc. So, yes, according to the BM I am the issue here.
SD is 11. very smart, always had behavioral issues, not making friends, diagnosed with ADHD, and emotional disturbance through school. started play therapy at the end of kindergarten. her dad took the most care of her (of course i hear only his side) when she was a baby, and BM couldn't grow up, so they divorced and she allowed him to take SD. i enter 6 months after divorce, and play super step mom for a year, becuase she was "absent". little did i know that if we tried hard enough she says, she would have been there more. she decided that she was supermom and i was bad for SD. i know now that i "overstepped" but i wanted someone there for her on field trips, etc. in all honestly, it would have been so much better for our family if i hadn't. i dont know which is worse, BM hating SM, causing emotional stress on SD, or absentee mom causing emotional stress. i will never know i guess.
I truly believe that it only took one comment from BM to say "whats going to happen when your dad and step mom find out you lied about step mom?" EVEN though she told us not to mention it, and move forward! because last night that was part of her "stress"-she said she did not feel she should be in trouble for something she did weeks ago. We did not bring it up at all. OR she was apprehensive and felt guilty and didn't want to deal with consequences for acting out at school, or lying about me. I know this is parental alienation, and it has been for a long time. The really annoying thing is that her therapist never involves us, and never lets us know what's going on so we can all be on the same page. she is in BM's pocket and has been for a long time. Thats ok, we deal with it, but in this situation, it would be nice if therapist could target this area like discussed in the last meeting.
at this point, i beleive it's parental alienation, but emailing and confronting BM does no good. thus, the previous email asking about this new plan ( i think i copied it in there earlier). at first transitioning every thursday was too much, now this mid-week transition is too much. DH and I would rather just entertain it, and possibly just change the schedule, even for a few weeks, to appease, even though we know nothing will change. her behavior hasn't been any better since the custody change.
thank you for your kind words, i just needed to know i am not alone in this horrible mess.