My wife and I Can't Agree on Parenting SD
My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and raising her now 15 year old step-daughter who lives with us. Her SD is basically a good kid, but like many kids her age, is lazy and always looking for the easy way out. She announced in August that she was no longer going to ride her bike to school (about a mile away) so I said, well I guess you'll be walking. She found a school bus that stops half a mile in the wrong direction that she started taking to and from school. Then she started getting rides from my wife or her mother on days when I was working (I leave the house at 6) so I wouldn't know about it. I've always said that BD should be responsible for getting herself to and from school. I eventually caught on, and was pissed both because SD was getting driven to school and because it was being done intentionally behind my back. I caved on that one, and SD was driven to school for most of the year. I have no say in what goes on with her, there are many examples of lying and sneaking around by my wife so that she can (in my opinion) do everything for her SD. SD does nothing around the house, and any attempts to talk to my wife about SD end in her silence. I feel like I can't trust my wife as she will lie to cover for SD and avoid a confrontation with me. It is painful for me to have this child in my house that I have absolutely no input into her parenting. I have tried to detach myself but this is painful for me. When the SD is visiting her BD, things are pretty good between my wife and I. My wife tells me, "just 3 more years", but I honestly don't think I can do it!
Why do you care how SD gets
Why do you care how SD gets to school? Plenty of kids take the bus or get a ride to school, it's not a bad thing.
If this is the best example you have to show of her lying and sneaking around then I don't think there's much to complain about. And I can't believe your wife is saying just three more years, as if she can't stand to have her daughter around either.
In this situation I think disengagement is the best course of action for you.
I know how you feel for
I know how you feel for example my SD would always be in my wife and I's room and as soon as we weren't looking she would go through our drawers and take something. My wife would blame me because we don't have locks on our drawers and closet. In her words if it's not locked up then she has the write to take something if she wants it. I told my wife not to allow her in our room anymore and I put a keyed lock on our room for when we weren't there. My wife only follows that rule when I am home but as soon as I go to work the SD comes and goes as she pleases in our room. I know this because my stuff ends up missing and pops up in her room or somewhere I didn't put it. Yet my wife wants me to believe that I must have done that myself and don't remember. When my SD stays with her Dad we get along great as well because we don't argue about her not enforcing the rules when I am not there. For me it is hard to convey that just because she is okay with her daughter taking her stuff without permission doesn't mean I have to be.
Your wife doing it behind
Your wife doing it behind your back is undermining you in front of the SD, if your wife knew you were against it. But,pick your battles wisely...less stress for you! You should be a strong unit whether or not the SD is in your house. I have the same problem...the time alone is fine but with the child is frustrating and it's hard. I guess your wife is telling you to hang in there for 3 more years? Well, what about college lol It doesn't end at 18! Even if they don't go to college. You are forever a part of their life! Best of luck!
Me and my husband have NEVER
Me and my husband have NEVER agreed on anything when it comes to my SS. I have 3 teenage boys and trust me it will always be her way. Anytime we couldn't agree on how to parent them his way would always be the way because he was the birth parent.
My best advice is talking about it together without the daughter around. Come up with a plan/ideas that you both can agree on/compromise. Her going behind your back is telling her that she can play you guys against each other. Ours did it too so we realized that we had to talk about the issues more. If one of the boys asked a question then we would tell him that we would think about it then that night hash it out. If you can't compromise then go speak with a marriage/blended family counselor. We got a lot of information from one. We still don't agree so now he is the parent 100%. They have to ask him everything and if they do something then I will tell him and he would deal with it.