I'm new to all this, so please correct me if this isn't the right forum for me. I've read some of the posts here and realize I have it much easier than a lot of you, but this is my first time as a SM, so please bear with me.

Not only am I new to this forum, but this is the first time I'm in a relationship with someone with kids. (I have grown kids - BS36 and BD32 - but have been divorced over 20 years, so I've dealt with my own kids' reactions to my partners lots of times over the years.)

I've been living with my BF (what's a DH? divorced husband? we're not married, so that doesn't fit) for about 8 months in northern CA. He moved here about a year ago from Ottawa, Canada. SS14 and SS16 live with their BM in Ottawa - both in HS. SD18 lives with relatives in NC, taking a year off to work before starting college there.

I should tell you that we actually live at my house during the week and on his boat (15 mins away) on weekends. Even though we maintain two places, we do it together and are always together and both have stuff in both places, so it's the same as couples living in one house.

Ok, so SS16 and SD18 are visiting this week for the first time since he told them about us. I'm staying mostly at the house all week, and BF is staying on the boat with his kids. We agree that this is a disruption of our regular lives, but we didn't think it would be a good idea to ask his kids to go back and forth like we do. (Most people think we're nuts doing it every week, but we like it.) Nor did we think it was a good idea for me to be with them 24x7 the first time they meet me. (Actually, I met SS16 once before, but I was introduced as "a friend" then for lots of good reasons I won't go into here.)

So SS16 arrived Fri night and stayed on the boat with BF. I joined them on Sat morning and stayed until around mid-day on Sun, when I decided I'd had enough. SS16 was cordial toward me, but he basically avoided us all day Sat (took off in the dingy for hours at a time, closed himself in his own room/cabin (on the boat) for a long while, went on shore and took a long shower, went to bed early that night). He did eat dinner with us (and actually prepped and cooked the steaks - probably because it removed him from the being in the same room with us). He gave short answers to my questions (all about stuff I knew he was into at home - sports, hobbies, etc) - being polite but not really engaging with me. Then he agreed to watch a movie with us, but when we had some technical difficulties with the Blueray player, he decided to go to bed -- at 8pm! So he didn't do anything explicitly obnoxious, but he really didn't want to be around us. That was clear to me.

Sunday morning, he slept until noon when BF woke him up. We had a quick breakfast/lunch, and then I decided to leave. BF was sad that I was leaving, but I felt that SS16 had had enough of me, and I wanted to leave them alone to have dad-son time.

I was trying hard to stay out of the way, not take up his time with his dad, not walk around like I own the place (although it is my home usually, and I'm usually much more comfortable there), and engage him in conversation but not too much. Talk about walking on eggshells! But by him basically not being around us, he was taking away dad time for himself, and there was nothing I could do about it but leave.

So my first question is... Is there any way for me to be around SS16 and get him to engage and not disappear? I'd like him to just do his usual thing with his dad, and I'll just be there but not get in their way. I'm happy to just sit there and watch them do projects together or read a book or whatever. He doesn't know that, I guess. Should I tell him directly? It was almost as if he didn't want to infringe of my time with BF. That's just the opposite of what I intended.

My next question is about SD18... She had a big reaction on the phone with BF told her about me/us. She's much more verbal, apparently, and asked if I have to be around during her whole visit. I like when people are direct but! BF told her no, that he'd like her to meet me (one dinner with all of us), but that after that I'd only be around if she's comfortable with it. I agree with that idea, so that's where it stands now. DS18 arrives late tonight, and then Tues night (tomorrow!) is our big dinner. I'll probably go to the boat and have dinner there with them, or we'll all go out to a restaurant - their choice.

DS18 is clearly resenting my presence already, and she hasn't even met me yet. She has a history of thinking that BF pays more attention to her brothers, so she's already craving his attention. Now there's me to contend with, too (in her mind). Does anyone have any advice for me about how to deal with her? I'm thinking that since she's 18 and a direct communicator herself, maybe I should just tell her that I have no intention of coming between her and her dad and that I want to support their relationship. Does that make sense? Or should I just let her initiate whatever conversations we have? Or what???

Any help will be greatly appreciated!