New to this and dealing with a lot...
Okay, so here's my story. I am currently 28 years old and I met my fiancé 7 years ago. We decided to not rush into marriage because I was putting myself through college and we had a lot going on in general. We were happy and everything was going great, so we didn't feel the pressure to have a little piece of paper say that we were together. But, we did know that we eventually did want to get married. So, here we are 7 years later and ready to say "I Do." However, there is one little...wait, it's actually a big hiccup in our plan and relationship...his 17 year old daughter...
A little over a year and a half ago, his (I will call him RP from now on) daughter (referred as AP moving forward) came back into his life, 16 years old at the time. I was so happy because I knew how much RP loved and missed AP. The mother (KB) had moved away with her and RP hadn't seen her in over 8 years. So it was a sweet and touching reunion. BUT, there was a catch...the only reason why KB allowed AP to contact RP was because something bad happened to AP. Her stepdad had...well, I'll just leave it at that. I'm sure you can take a good guess...
So, there we were, 5 years into our relationship and RP's daughter comes into our lives. Things went good at first and they both reconnected like no time had passed. But things couldn't continue to go that smoothly could they...AP's behavior was out of control...she got into a fight at school and ended up getting expelled, she was self-harming, she was taking pictures she shouldn't have been, and just a bad attitude over all. So, we had court to go through for the fight at school and also for what happened to her by her stepdad (aka a**hole)...by the way, stepdad is no longer around, at all (thank goodness).
AP's behavior continued to get worse and KB said that AP could no longer live with her because of how AP was acting. (KB has 2 little girls from stepdad) KB just couldn't deal with AP's behavior because the little half-sisters were starting to act the same way... So, KB asked if AP could move in with us. Now, let me add that AP was sent this past summer to a 30 day wilderness experience that is geared toward helping troubled teenage girls. So, once AP got back, she moved in with us.
AP has been living with us for 6 months so far and to say the least, I now have wonderful gray hair to show for it. It has been one thing after another with AP...I feel like going out into the middle of nowhere and just screaming! I honestly don't know where to even really begin.
AP's behavior seemed to improve once she moved in with us. We got her registered for school, which turned into her going to a school/work program because she is behind in school and would end up graduating at the age of 21 if she stayed in "normal" high school. So, with this program AP will graduate at the age of 19. But she is far behind on so many levels...
It is a constant every week that I will either get a call or email from her teacher/supervisor at school/work. She just isn't working or doing her school work that is assigned. I don't know what to do...RP and I have had numerous talks with her but nothing seems to work...I really don't want to be the "evil" stepmom....but I feel like I have in order to get AP to listen.
I'm not sure if any of that makes sense because my mind is going a mile a minute...There has been a lot going on and I've been holding in a lot since I do not really have anyone to talk to about this. I know I have RP, but because it is his daughter...I don't feel like I can really "let loose."
*sigh*
~A frustrated Stepmom...
She needs to be in
She needs to be in out-patient treatment to help her deal with the abuse and "abandonment" issues. Even though the mom moved away, she did not see her dad for 8 years and likely feels abandoned. Treatment is more important than school/work right now, imo. My sd almost required in-patient (long after I'd gone) because of some things that happened and she was older than this girl. Each person is different and requires different healing steps, and sometimes more time.
We are currently working on
We are currently working on getting some therapy set-up for her...the problem that we are finding is that because she is 17, most places around us consider her a child but when she turns 18 she will be an adult. I have contacted a few therapists and have been told they only deal with children and when she turns 18 she will have to see someone else. We are trying to avoid her opening up to someone only to have to do it all over again with someone new when she turns 18.
I see from all the other posts that people say, "she isn't my problem." But the thing is, she is. I chose to accept her into my/our home and try to provide a healthy environment. I didn't realize at the time and neither did my fiancé that she was as bad as she is.
Let me re-frame this for
Let me re-frame this for you.
You've been with DF (dear fiancee) for 7 years and he hadn't seen his daughter even once in all that time. Then suddenly, BM (bio mom) decides she doesn't want an out of control teen in her house any more and ships her off to you. DF (with or without your permission?) lets her move in and rather than deal with her he figures wilderness training is good enough and he doesn't have to do anything else. He hasn't done anything in 8 years, how is he suddenly going to start "parenting" a girl who is almost an adult? He leaves you - barely older than her, certainly not old enough to be a "mother figure" in any way, and hardly more qualified than HE is to parent her - to be the "bad guy" when he finally realizes that doing nothing isn't quite working out like he'd hoped.
*sigh*
Previous posters are right, there is nothing you can do for this girl. But your problem isn't her - it's HIM. He's been an absent parent for whatever reason and now he's put himself in a position where he has ZERO moral authority over this girl and is just hoping that if he talks at her enough she'll straighten up. Ain't gonna happen, captain. But he's brought this shit into YOUR life and YOUR home, and that makes him your problem.
So. Step one. Figure out what you're willing to tolerate. You OK with her living there? For how long? Does she clean up after herself? Do her own laundry? Is she courteous to you? Stop thinking of her as a "step-daughter" - she most emphatically is NOT. Even if y'all were married, you are in no way, shape or form a parental figure to her, she is 17, not 7. This is a guest in your home, and one your DF invited. If you're all right with the guest and her behavior towards you and your home, then fine. Anything else (schooling, bedtimes, eating habits, any and all things a PARENT might teach) are not your concern.
Step two. You seem to care about this girl, which is nice. So suggest to your DF that he needs to get her into counseling, like YESTERDAY. He also needs parenting classes, stat, since he's got no experience. And he needs to work with her counselor on what to do about the issues he sees, like incomplete homework.
Step three. Give them both a deadline. "I love you both and I really want both of you to have a good relationship and be successful. But both of you are affecting MY life, so here's the deal. You've got XYZ amount of time to start counseling and parenting classes. You've got ABC amount of time to start making meaningful changes. If things get better then I'll help you guys when I can. But if you don't start at least trying, then I'll be moving out until SD" (that's Step Daughter, by the way) "is an adult capable of living on her own."
Yeah, I'm new to this type of
Yeah, I'm new to this type of thing and didn't realize there were abbreviations for things...
Oh boy...my post must have
Oh boy...my post must have given people the wrong idea...trust me when I say that my DF is doing the best he can. We did not make the decision to send her off to a wilderness experience...the courts and the BM decided that. And DF never once thought that it would be a "fix all" for everything. Both myself and DF made the decision to let SD live with us. As for counseling, we are looking into it but are running into the situation that once she is 18, she is "in charge" of herself. She was in therapy before but my DF and I were told that all she did was sit there and didn't speak...the BM said it was a waste of money.
I get the feeling that I really needed to do more explaining in my very first post. But like I stated though, this whole posting on a blog thing is new to me and I just needed to get some things out.
Naw, I get that it's tough to
Naw, I get that it's tough to put everything into ONE post, especially your first. And I didn't mean to come off like "you two are horrible people!" Because I actually think both of you are probably very nice people, you're just in WAY over your head and you don't have the tools to deal with what you invited into your life when you let her move in.
The upshot of what I said is the same. You're dealing with a 17 year old who is almost an adult. (By the way, waiting until she's 18 to get her into counseling - waiting at all, in fact - is a horrible idea. You can't register her for counseling once she's 18, only she can do that. Which is sounds like she won't.)
Oh, and the "this isn't your problem" thing? And you said it IS your problem, because you agreed to try and help this girl? MY point (I can't speak to anyone else) is not so much "you don't have to try to help this girl". It's more "you don't have the right to force yourself on this girl". See the difference? You can OFFER. But you cannot "be the bad guy" as you said in your original post. If your DF has no moral authority over this girl (and he doesn't) you have even LESS.
I stand by what I said. The girl needs therapy, NOW, and a child therapist is fine. Intensive out-patient therapy would probably be best -- they'll even have tutors to keep her up with her school work. My own SD did that for about 2 months. 5 days a week, 8 to 5. Helped a lot, and I don't think anything else would have. Parenting classes for your DF. He is NOT a parent, for all he's the biological father. He's got zero experience and hasn't even seen the girl since she was what? 9? Both of them need help, but nothing you can provide.
The so-called "mother" is an
The so-called "mother" is an idiot. Although the dad could have done more, I can understand the reasoning behind not fighting with a high-conflict vindictive ex. I love it when BMs mess their kids up to the point of no return and then dump them on the dad so HE can be blamed as the failure.
No matter what, she needs to be in counseling. Maybe make it a condition of her staying with you guys after she turns 18? I don't know. Maybe get family counseling as well. She needs to realize that she has allies instead of just adults who appear to not give a flying fuck about her.
Make sure you are using an effective BC product until this all sorts itself out. Having a baby in this situation will just reinforce her abandonment issues.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I think family counseling is a big thing we need to look into more. I get annoyed with SD because of how she acts but I want her to know that I'm here for her. I do care about her because I know deep down she is a good person. She does have a big heart but is just going down the wrong path...I'm sure it's apparent to people but my DF and the BM had SD at a young age. Once BM had another child, SD was pushed to the side. Even now, when BM decides she wants SD for the weekend, BM ends up going out and leave SD to watch her little half-sisters...