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Hi! I'm new to this and desperately need some advice and/or insight. I am a SM to a 15 year old SD. My DH and I have been together 7 years, married less than one. I have been involved with SD for 5 years and we have had a great relationship, even from the start. I am very intuitive to her and am the one she confides in about most everything. Since October (45 days after the wedding) SD chose to move out of BMs and come live with us. We are strict but rewarding. I value structure, supervision and follow-through. SD "chose" this structure.

The problem is the BM. She has spoiled this child rotten. She does EVERYTHING for her, from taking off her shoes to running to the store at 11PM for cookies and bringing them to our house for her. Instead of appreciating the actions her BM does, she says she simply requests such things of her BM because she can and her BM will do it. WTF?! Herein lies the problem. ANY time she spends at her BMs this behavior comes home with her. I am at my wits end. My DH sees the BM as the problem as well, however, will NOT hold my SD accountable for her own actions, giving excuses such as "this is because of her mother." Although I agree the BM has paved the way for this behavior, the child is 15 and has been told on numerous occasions that our rules are THE rules in and out of our home but when she's with her mother (less than 10% of the time) she relentlessly conspires with her BM "not to tell Dad or SD" and continues her manipulations and bad behavior.

Furthermore her father is a workaholic. I am the main care-giver and disciplinarian. He has the joy of communicating with the BM, and that's pretty much it. I cook for SD, I clean for SD, I tutor SD, I transport SD, I comfort SD, and punish SD. I'm sick of having to deal with the adverse affects of SD after she's with BM.
I am seriously ready for a divorce unless something drastically changes. Any advice on how to "make" my DH understand my position? He says I'm giving SD "the cold shoulder". Well, I am, I'm pissed and it's because we've gone over this time and time again with her but yet it still happens. I'm sick of poo-pooing this off to "it's her mother's fault" as opposed to SD taking accountability for her own decisions and actions while in her BMs care. The BM will NOT change (she's in counseling with her SD for these reasons and refuses to take the counselors advice on parenting) and my DH is stressed with work and I'm disengaged because I'm so pissed. Any advice or insight on what to do? THANK YOU.

have a similar situation

I understand how you feel. My SS is 17 almost 18 and acts like the biggest baby. Never takes responsibility for anything. Nothing is ever his fault. We have to go over the SAME THINGS over and over again. My husband tends to act like things aren't that big of a deal or doesn't discipline him the way I think he should. Only difference is that my SS biological mother is dead so everything is always "poor, poor baby" Well, I have tried to get him to talk about his feelings. But he honestly doesn't appear to have any about anything. Therapists say he's fine. He views his mother as perfect and she babied him to the point that he is at now. It is very frustrating. I would just really try and talk to your husband about it when you are not angry. Try and make him see that it is for her own good. My husband started to come around when we could talk about SS without getting angry. It's not easy but maybe you should tell her that if she doesn't stop behaving this way, you will not allow her to live in your home. Hope things work out.

Same shoes

Jewel, I think we wear the same shoe style and size! Thank you for sharing. It's hard to find time to talk to my DH, he works approx. 18 hours a day throughout the summer (this doesn't help my stress level, anger or patience at all!). I really get the sense with him that when I do bring this up, he doesn't want to deal with it....he's too tired, or another phone call is coming in, or they need him on site...or...simply put, he just wants a stress and drama free zone to come home to relax for four hours before he's back to work. I understand, but don't agree.

The kid CAN be a good kid, when there is no BM interaction she's fine. The second she goes over to the BMs house she reverts to being a spoiled rotten child who's waited on hand and foot. The two of them (the SD & BM) play the "don't tell SM & Dad" game and it becomes their bonding experience. We can't get it throught the BMs head (even through counseling) that this is NOT the way to rear a child and that it can have very negative impacts on her social skills (let alone her home life). Secrets are just lies that haven't been told.

I'm in a spot where I completely understand my DHs disdain for his ex and that it's very easy for him to blame her as opposed to making his daughter accountable for her own actions. The BM won't change. I know this. My DHs response to making the kid accountable for her own actions at her mother's is that "It's unfair. What teenage girl wouldn't want to get treated like a queen? Not her fault her mom lets her do it." Ugh, it's so frustrating!

Heres what I did:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

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There's an exception to everything I say.

Sound advice

Thank you O.C.! I have done a bit of disengagement in the past but it typically backfires on me. Perhaps this is because I didn't discusss it with my DH first, as you so wisely suggested.

I have told him before that I was done making and enforcing the rules and that he needed to step in. He then proceeded to try to do EVERYTHING (laundry, phone calls, running the kid around). His response to my actions of disengagement in the past has been that "she's young, and you're just creating drama she won't understand". Too young??? Did I mention she's 15? In some countries at 15 they're already married, rearing children of their own and carrying the daily water supply, while barefoot, on their heads for 20 miles uphill...BOTH ways! I have seriously considered sending her to a third world country for a couple of months, no phone, no mommies, no nothing....but I'm sure her BM would find a way to "rescue" her.

Anyway, ultimately my disengagement ends up creating problems between my DH and I because he ends up taking on more responsibilities in an effort to "keep peace and order in the house" and directs his anger towards me for not being part of the team. TEAM? He isn't around the majority of the time to really get a feel for how well she's picked up her mother's art of manipulation and he's just feeding in to it by "stepping in".

Step children should at least come with a mental health warning or marriage certificates should have some sort of disclaimer!

oldest trick in the book

Yep, once you get married...BM decides its time to ruin the honeymoon. So that is when the send out their foot soldiers to come & live with you til you get fed up enough!!!!

Ignore Dad's complaints.

I'm not stating that you should not participate in the chores. But there are three people living in the house so the chores are split up three ways.

If your chore is to do the laundry then fine. If her chore is to fold it then its sits there until its folded. (We folded our own - so it was each persons choice).

So I'm not saying that you should not carry your share of household responsibilites only that EVERYONE has to do their share.

Your disengagement is in discipline. If something wrong happens you stay out of it. You just stop interfering in the kids lives. Make sure Dad understand that you are not shirking your share of the work load only that you are not shouldering a share of the parenting. You are not going to harass the kid into doing chores. He gives permission, he sees that her chores are done, he OKs where and when she goes out and with who.

There is nothing wrong with taking the kid to the mall if she needs a ride. Then the next time she acts sassy you remind her that you're not doing favors such as that to a smart alec kid.

If she doesn't do the laundry you do yours and walk away. Dad runs out of underwear? Good.

Its a difficult age for kids and she may actually start appreciating you more. If that happens you can respond. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to her if you see she has troubles. But if you're rebuffed then just fall back to the plan. Don't forget its just a few years left and she'll be on her way.

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