New Baby
Hello Everyone. Not sure where else to find support so I thought I would try this. I've been married for just over 7 months and we found out last weekend I was pregnant. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember and have thought about this time in my life forever. But I have a 13 year old stepdaughter who I can't stand. I have never met a more spoiled and obnoxious teenager. While I'm happy she is excited about the baby, she has already taken away my excitement. She has already sent me picture designs of the nursery and a list of baby names and the other night her and my husband started making plans for how they want the gender reveal party to go. When I've tried to mention that I have some other ideas he gets so mad and thinks it's absolutely adorable that his daughter is doing this. I feel like it's two against one and this is my baby, not hers. My husband always defends her. Always. I'm so sad.
You have to very firmly
You have to very firmly remind him this is your shared child and your first experience as being a mother (not sds). She will get her chance to decorate a baby room, pick her child's name, etc. Do NOT allow her to be given those things out of some kind of weird ass daddy guilt.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your response. I'm trying to tell him but he gets so mad and defensive and I feel like I can't tell him anything about his daughter. I don't enjoy her at all and when she is around, all we do is fight. I had no idea being a step mom would be so miserable. Thank you for your kind words.
Too bad if he gets mad. What
Too bad if he gets mad. What a jerk! Do NOT let him rob yoy of these very important things.
It's great that SD is excited
It's great that SD is excited about the baby. But, that does not mean she gets to make parental decisions.
DH, you need to decide who is your wife, who you will spend the rest of your life with, who is the parent of your unborn child. SD or me.
Realize that if you choose SD, if she and you make joint decisions about our unborn child, if she is your first choice to talk to about baby things, than that room you are decorating will be used only on your visitation days.
Last paragraph EXACTLY!
Last paragraph EXACTLY!
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate hearing I'm not wrong for feeling this way. He thinks I'm being jealous of her when I say things like "this is our baby and I I want you and I to do this together". He always tells me he can't believe how jealous of her I am. And maybe I am jealous. But I'm also bitter because none of this was an issue until after we got married so it's too late to do anything about it now. I wish I would have known this is how things were going to be. All of you responding really does mean a lot to me.
It's never too late. Marriage
It's never too late. Marriage isn't an ironclad contract that you can't get out of. I'm not saying you're there yet, but never let the thought of "it's too late now" to wiggly into your mind regarding marriage. Divorce is no one's first pick, but it is always an option, especially when you have a disrespectful, toxic spouse.
"DH, it's wonderful that SD
"DH, it's wonderful that SD is excited, but she needs to focus on things that siblings should be helping with. She can help my mom plan the baby shower, or come up with some ideas for a sibling photo shoot, or make a piece of artwork for the baby's room. But names, nursery ideas, and how we tell people our baby's gender are decisions you and I make as the baby's parents. No arguments on that. This is my first baby, my first pregnancy, and I want to have those firsts with my husband. Don't be an a$$ about it. I'm not mad at SD for being excited; I'm mad at you for totally disregarding me, the person going through the pregnancy, the baby's mother, YOUR WIFE, in this process. Don't get snippy with me because you misunderstand where I'm coming from, and don't cut me off from things that I rightfully have say over. It's utterly disrespectful to me to disregard my feelings and opinions, and it teaches SD that she doesn't have to respect me either. So cut the crap, give SD an appropriate sibling task, and work with ME to make this a happy and healthy pregnancy. Clear?"
^^^THIS^^^
.
Disengage from SD
You just don't listen to her. If HD starts repeating SD cr*p then disengage from DH also. It's your first baby and you do what makes you happy. I am sure that DH and BM did it there way with SD. You do it your way
You are the one dedicating
You are the one dedicating 9mos of your life to grow this little human. You get the entire say on showers, nurseries, reveals, names, etc.... DH needs absolute clarity that you and you alone are the decision authority in all of this and.... in determining what big sis has as it relates with your child.
Daddy only gets a say if you give him one if you stay together or in the context of a visitation schedule if you don't.
As mom, you hold nearly all of the power if he pisses you off and you end it. Based on the evidence his failure as a father to SD represents, minimizing the exposure of your child to these two may be best.
Good luck and congratulations on the baby.
My DH did this. SD was about
My DH did this. SD was about the same age and thought (and still thinks) she's Daddy #1. I ended up planning a gender reveal for a weekend that my kids were not with us. We made it an afternoon/evening bbq. I was fed up with SD taking over with Daddy, so I told him that one of us would not be in attendance. He fortunately picked the one carrying his baby and we did a second reveal at home with the skids and balloons.
For the shower, my girlfriends planned it so it was out of DH's hands. SD sulked the whole time. I ignored her. DH at one point had her sitting on his lap on the back deck stroking her hair. Guests avoided them and a good friend of mine drew the blinds.
None of this was ideal. It took far too many fights to get decent treatment from DH. He would have let her take over all of it to make her happy and he fed me the same lines... that it's important to HER, that SHE needs to be fully involved, that HER needs were most important, that SHE needed to be included in it all. He had no sense to make his wife and mother of his child feel special.
Bottom line... yes he has a daughter. Yes it's a big deal for her. If you can find small ways to include her, great! But dont give up your enjoyment of this experience so that your SD can have everything she wants.
I'm happy I'm not the only
I'm happy I'm not the only one who has gone through this. Thanks for sharing your experience and making me feel less guilty if I choose to include her minimally.
Ugh, I felt my blood boil as
Ugh, I felt my blood boil as I was reading this! Only because I went through the same shit with my DH. It was always "when you were a baby this, you were this small too" etc. While they looked at MY babys ultrasound photos. I had a surprise gender reveal planned by my friends and SD threw a HUGE fit when we found out I was having a boy. DH was trying to make her feel better, blah blah blah. Too fucking bad! Idk why I never thought to tell him, it's not about HER, ITS ABOUT ME. MY BABY, MY PREGNANCY, MY FAMILY. It pissed me off and I'll never forgive myself for not telling him off after all the shit he did to me then. I wished that SD would have not been with us during my baby shower. I didn't have the "ovaries" to take control of anything. DH now wants to try for another baby, he wants a baby girl with me. You'd better believe, if this ever does happen, I will make sure SD gets no involvement whatsoever in MY pregnancy.
Good grief! Ask him if he
Good grief! Ask him if he sees you just as an incubator ... because that's how he's treating you.
PS
If he starts pushing for her to go with you to your doctor's visits under the pretext that "she deserves to see the baby grow too", I would start looking for another place to live ASAP.
There are only 2 people that have authority to name the baby in
This relationship and thats the penis that shot out the sperm and the vagina that released an egg. Nobody should volunteer names or suggestions for nursery designs and gender reveal parties when its unsolicited
you are the one pregnant, you are the one carrying this baby and frankly its very rude that your partner and his daughter have made this really about sd feelings
heck if any of my skids suggested names i would say that its rude of them to give unsolicited advice and since your dads sperm and my egg are the reason we are pregnant, only us 2 make the decisions..
if you don’t nip this in the bud now, pretty soon hubby will invite sd to be present for the birth with your vagina on display because she deserves to be there because this is really about HER FEELINGS!!
I'm definitely trying to nip
I'm definitely trying to nip it in the bud without making it obvious. I think other people think it's so cute that she's so excited and doing all this stuff and I'm sure that's what my husband thinks too. He's had a relationship with her for 13 years and me only 2 so many times I feel like the third wheel anyway. I didn't know any of this would be so hard
Being excited and clearly overstepping to make your feelings
and opinions irrelevant are 2 different things. Sd doesn’t need to be involved in nursery designs, baby shower planning and be at the hospital appts or the birth to be present to have affection for her future sibling...
if she cares enough, that affection is there. You can involve her in things so she doesn’t feel neglected or left out but her taking over makes you nothing but an egg donor and hubby needs to know that.
me and my husband never sought approval of his kids to have a baby or any of the essential buying and giving names or hospital appt. that was an adult thing to do and when my ss is so recluse, you really feel so down to have him around.
He gets mad?
You gotta put your foot down. I did with my husband and we're both glad I did. My step daughter came up with ideas for baby names but I didn't like any of them. My husband and I spoke and I told him that these things are between me and him. Not his daughter or his ex ( BM tried getting involved).
Put your foot down.
Instead
Sd is excited, so instead of getting upset, include her in the planning. If she mentions something, you can agree or disagree.
Oh gross I would be so mad.
Oh gross I would be so mad.
if you just announced it....her excitement will wear off.
starting now stop talking about the baby in front of her. If she brings it up...ignore or change the subject.
i had a baby at 38...I also already had 3 teen daughters and 2 step teen daughters and not one of them had a say in anything because it isn't their decision to make.
I don't even like it when the step kids choose what is for dinner so that wouldn't fly in my house.