Disengage before you engage. Seriously. You're starting similar to what I did. I was certain the best thing for everyone was to worry about his relationship with his kids and make them like me and accept me and love their dad etc... Oh boy eight years later I wish I'd never spoken to them or asked about them. Idk for sure but my dh who is a fantastic father now might have been an absentee dad who just paid for everything if I hadn't butted in to FIX everything. I'm telling you now here in front of stgods and everybody I wish he was that bad dad.

Don't worry about his daughter accepting or liking you, especially if it doesn't matter to him. Otherwise read what kind of monsters my grew up to me in my other blogs. Then runnnnnnnnn

If I were you, as much as you love your bf, I'd pull WAY back and wait until both of your divorces are final and some time has passed after your divorces. I am sure this is not what you want to hear but I've been through this...my now exbf was separated when we started dating, although he made it seem like he was divorced...in his mind, they'd been living apart for a year and a half and he believed his situation was no different than being divorced.

As someone that HAS been divorced for a significant amount of time I can tell you that even after the ink is dry on the paperwork it takes time for both people to stop acting in the way they had when they were together -- it takes time for people to have an emotional divorce. I know this was true for me and also for my exbf. He's now been divorced for a year and a half and only in the last six months has he been able to say no to the BM, to make decisions for himself as an individual without considering his ex, and stopped feeling fearful, etc.

During his separation and divorce my bf was not free to completely be with me because he had not had an emotional divorce. He was still worried about keeping the peace with his stbxw, was afraid of upsetting her for fear she'd try to change their custody arrangement/child support, afraid she'd alienate the daughter. Additionally, he was worried about his daughter. The net effect was both of us walking around on eggshells and essentially having a third person (BM) in our relationship.

Take some time to grieve, to be on your own, to get your power back. I've been divorced for almost six years now and am in NO rush to get remarried. I am certainly not judging but why would you want to jump right back into something serious when you're not out of your marriage yet?

I just know there was no way things could have worked for us when so much of my exbf's energy was invested in his divorce, keeping the peace with his ex, being a guilt dad to his daughter. He's made and continues to make some major changes in his life that have made it easier for him to be involved with someone but something is damaged in me now. I've been through a tremendous amount of pain the past three years and I should have walked away when I found out their divorce was not yet final.

This is just my advice. Let the dust settle. Grieve the loss...trust me, it is a loss when you get divorced...I was the one who wanted out of my marriage and I have grieved the loss of my marriage. It's difficult to start a new relationship without grieving. Get your power back. When you're whole and you, your man, and all kids involved have adjusted maybe you can revisit things. I wish this is what I'd done. I would never want to relive the past three years....

Good luck to you. Hang in there!

I am so tired of these ads! and on to your question, the kids will figure it out. You cannot run your life around what they are going to think. they will see the light one day...might be a long time but all kids soon realize when parents lie

Being in almost the exact same situation, I'll tell you now to not even worry about trying to win over the kids. It will only end up making you resentful. At first, they absolutely loved me, thought I was the best thing that ever happened to their dad. I did fun things with them, decorated their rooms, took them shopping, picked out great birthday/Christmas gifts. They would ask me for help with things. The daughter would ask to borrow clothes, and want to do girly stuff with me. They seemed to really enjoy it at first... only because it was new.

And then the dust settled. Now they walk past me with a shit look on their faces and won't even say Hello. They resent me for any rules imposed because, surely, they must all be my doing. They open their gifts with a look of disgust and don't even bother taking them back with them (unless they think it's something they can sell). They break into our now locked bedroom and bathroom to steal clothes, money, makeup, even my curling iron!

I don't think their current behavior would bother as much as it does if I had simply disengaged from the beginning. Then it wouldn't feel like they've turned on me. I wouldn't feel betrayed and used after all of my efforts to be a friend and parental figure to them. I don't want to be step-mother to these kids. I simply want to be their father's wife.

I think you should work on the relationship with your bf rather than wanting a relationship with his daughter. First, she isn't yours so you can't make her the surrogate daughter you never had.

And she has a loyalty towards her mother and not you. She knows nothing about you and as childish as it is she is still a child. She misses her family. And her 'family' did not include you. So thinking you can play mommy/daughter with her is not a sensible thing to do.

I have 2 stepsons. One is very friendly and tells me he loves me in a non-MILF way (inhouse joke). Not bad for a 17 yr old. His 19 yr old brother is MUCH more aligned with his mother and is polite and respectful but that is where it ends. After 6 yrs he really wouldn't notice if I was there or not. As he hasn't lived/spent time with us for 3 years (presently in jail for his excesses over the past 3 yrs)it doesn't matter.

Honey, I really GET the need to be liked. If we are liked then it makes life easier. But sometimes they don't like us. But they don't have to. But they do have to be polite and courteous. if they want to laugh and make fun of us behind our backs it says more aobut them than it does about us.

I know you think the dust settling isn't necessary-but what about the kids-do you think yours and his are as quick to get over the past marriage that you guys so eagerly have put behind you? Adults or not it's going to take THEM time to accept a new relationship. And to just get up and move 400 miles away?

You've got to think of ALL of you not just you and him, honestly that's pretty selfish.

Figure that it's impossible for this daughter to like you right now-his dad isn't even divorced from the mom! She may never come around-can you live with that? Seems you guys are shoving this relationship down their throats a bit when THEY haven't finished grieving yet.

And as much as you think "when it's right it's right"..watch..you may be ok for a year or two-but eventually the time you didn't spend healing AFTER your divorce will come back while you're in the new relationship. No matter WHERE you met. Going from married so many years and jumping right back in just to not be alone is NOT smart. And it's the reason there are so many 2nd divorces. Be smart and patient about it.

And hold on...but why on earth did you go over their and scrub clean HIS house??? ANd then he asks you to go and clean a bathroom. SOrry but what the hell??? It's his house-you're not living there, you're not married, he shoudl clean his own damn house or hire a maid. You're setting yourself up for maid status from the getgo. Good luck-you're going to need lots of it IMO.

Hmmm...this sounds a bit familiar but also different. I was single a decade with my children grown and on their own for five of them. I fell in love with a married man who eventually separated/divorced. Once separated, he spent a year with his daughters living there 50% of the time and with me the other 50%. They did not meet me during that time. Once they did, his divorce was a month away. We took things slowly for the first few months and everything was unbelievably easy. Girls liked me, I thought they were adorable. Then I moved in and we eventually married. That was 3 years ago and things are getting very bad around here. I fight with their father everyday they are with us and he is left in the middle. They speak to me rudely, have attitudes most of the time and TOTALLY disrespect our home. They drop food on the floor and walk away from it. They leave empty TP rolls without replacing, they leave all their make-up, hair stuff wherever they used it and the list goes on and on...and on.
Now my husband and I go to bed angry at each other because I think it's his role to put the household rules & expectations out there WITH consequences. He thinks I should be grateful that they aren't doing drugs, getting drunk and sleeping around. "Pick your battles" is his fav saying. So, I am left to stew and DREAD them coming here. The BM told them that this will ALWAYS be THEIR house. I should not have moved into a home they share with BM!!!
My advice to you - definitely give this time, maybe start counseling(we did), allow the children time to get used to all the changes, don't expect to be their new "best friend". If that happens naturally, be grateful because it cannot be forced. A SD may become like a daughter to you but it will take lots of time and will be much more likely if you allow it to happen in her timeframe. I have 3 BD and they were SD when their BD remarried 2 years after our divorce. They like her now as grownups but they did NOT like her when they were teens.

I also agree with the 'let the dust settle' 'give it time' advice. I didn't meet my then BF's children for over a year after we started seeing each other. Then I started spending small amounts of time with them gradually - going to the cinema with him and oldest SD then 16, going for dinner etc, keeping it light and social. I also kept my own house, I still owned my own home after we got married and didn't move in fully with DH until our daughter was born 6 months later. This may have been a little extreme but I really loved my home and it was a security blanket for me, and an escape if things with the SKids got too much.

To some degree the delayed and then slow introduction to the SKids was due to fear on my and DH's part as well as more positive reasons, but I think it had the effect of alleviating the sense of having a new person suddenly forced on them. It gave them time to start getting used to the idea of their Dad and Mum not getting back together, before they had to get used to a new person. Come to think of it my second eldest SD was 12/13 when DH and BM split. And she was the one I had most difficulty with - 2 years later when we got engaged she stopped speaking to us for nearly a year, despite the fact that we had got on well up to that point. she just couldn't accept the end of all hope that her parents would ever get back together. Maybe it's something about 13, kids can get very intense and boundary pushing at that age and it probably makes it harder for them to be rational and positive about divorce and new parental figures. At any rate I wouldn't push things with your FSD. She's probably all geared up to rebuff you when you make an effort, to make a point about her unhappiness about her parents split, and it will fox her if you are laid back and unintrusive instead. It's good to knock them off balance and keep them on their toes!

Also, totally empathising with this at the moment Noturbabysmama:
"Now my husband and I go to bed angry at each other because I think it's his role to put the household rules & expectations out there WITH consequences."
following 856th row with DH over SKids household contribution this morning following failure to supervise new chore list effectively!

oh shit, you're going to need this site more than you can ever imagine! read our posts. these people you are about to bond with are PURE EVIL! (except your sweetie pie). he'll probably be worth it, but prepare yourself for all out war!!!