New poster... SD14... help!
Hi everybody,
So glad I found this forum, I am literally at the end of my tether and am completely unsure of what to do or where to go next. I have just moved in with my 42 year old partner (recently separated) and he has custody of his 14 year old step daughter one week on, one week off.
The step daughter is very different to me - only child, very self entitled, speaks about herself non stop, literally everyone is done for her (she doesn't even clean up her own cereal bowl, just leaves it there), and speaks to her father like he is a piece of you know what. And he just takes it.
I haven't said anything so far, i've just gone alone with everything bc I feel like it's not my place to say anything, but watching someone act like a princess, so self-entitled - she even seems to just expect me to do everything for her as well (by default, I end up clearing up her stuff, bc if I don't, her father will do it, and he's busy enough.
The problem is there is no real direct communication between me and the SD. I have asked countless times for my partner to sit all three of us down and talk about how things are going to be now I have moved in, but he seems almost frightened to do that, so it's almost like I'm just here by default, with no real announcement or status there, and I feel like as a result I can't speak to my SD... ask her to help me etc... ask her to clear up after herself etc.
I can't stand hearing my partner being spoken to the way his daughter speaks to him, it's awful.
I'm starting to get that tight stressed feeling in my belly and anxiety all the time. I'm so intimidated by the situation, and i'm now apparently visually and atmospherically angry causing a rift between my partner and his daughter... he's not sure what to do and feels like he needs to take sides.
I need some help - I know i'm not handling this well, but i'm starting to feel physically ill and I feel like things are going to go really bad if something doesn't give.
Thank you for your help...
Enigma
I totally get that anxiety
I totally get that anxiety feeling you're talking about. Same thing happens to me every single day when SD10 gets home from school. She's a self-centered rude ass too and treats DH horribly. The only thing that works for me is disengaging and hoping to God that she turns 18 & goes back to BM! Consider yourself more lucky than me. You only have 4 yrs before the jerk turns 18.
Yes I know that's a way of
Yes I know that's a way of looking at it, that she is not that far of becoming an adult... my concern is more than that though... it's the fact that my partner won't stand up to her... it's like he can't even tell he's being mistreated... it's a worry.
I certainly will not put up with this situation as it is for much longer.. I simply can't. Especially since i'm being blamed at the moment. Completely unfair.
This guy is not going to
This guy is not going to change isn't that obvious? There is no point in wasting more time. Tell him that this was a bad idea and you're looking for lodging elsewhere.
If you wish continue to date him, he's on the rebound and may still be in shock. If things haven't changed noticeable in 6 months give it up as a unworkable idea.
I should clarify... he did
I should clarify... he did discuss me moving in with her, but not with me there. My SD and I just don't communicate directly about anything of substance. I feel like I need him there initially to facilitate that happening.
I can totally relate! Now, in
I can totally relate! Now, in my case, my step-daughter doesn't talk rudely to my husband...just to me. With him, she bats her eyes and puts on the "princess charm" to manipulate him into doing things her way, or tells her mother something to make her mother call my husband and cuss him out. Your partner is the one that needs to put his foot down. Until he does, she will keep up with this behavior, and you will not be able to tell her anything without it having bad repercussions...either due to your partner being too passive about it all and you getting upset, or your partner getting upset with you and saying you are stepping over your boundaries. If you are already getting these stressed and uncomfortable feelings, you may need to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole relationship before it goes on to the next step. It is much more difficult once you are married.
you say, "but he seems almost
you say, "but he seems almost frightened to do that" << YES! my DH seems terrified of SD. He has no problem treating me like shit though. In my next life, I'd like to come back as her and have him kiss my ass 24/7.
I am sorry, but this sounds
I am sorry, but this sounds like a doomed situation. In order to make step-parenting work you and DH need to be a united front, and be able to talk about things involving SKs.Orange County has it right again, IMHO. Run away.
Well your coming in with her
Well your coming in with her way to old to do anything for that kind of attitude. No one will allow you as the new woman to have any heel digging in in anything..established SMs have hard enough trouble. Only options you really got are 1. talk to your partner about your feelings and be honest and 2. DO NOT CATER TO HER...you are falling in line lovey..LEAVE IT THERE FOR DAD..he raised her to be this way.. know you feel bad but he did it to himself. Do not take up the slack for the monster attitude they created with their daughter. Most you can do is try to give her "friendly advice" when she ASKS and be fluencial in your own action. She just too old for much more on your part just coming in honestly. Good luck hun!
OMG that was (and sometimes
OMG that was (and sometimes still is) something like my situation. Perhaps I have a leg up in that I have my own BK's so it didn't take me long to put my foot down about certain things. As far as general manners go, and I mean the very basics (pick up your bowl, throw away your wrapper), I'd suggest to not hesitate. Nicely call her back to the room and just say, you forgot to throw your trash out, or whatever. Seriously. Never let her get away with speaking to you disrespectfully or you will officially be in hell. MY SD14, only child, lives with us. She very much talked to her father like he was a retarded p.o.s,, basically like he was 3,, she wouldn't take no for an answer, left her crap EVERYWHERE and yes, if I left it there he would handle it. I guess I'm lucky because disrespect (to those of us who provide your every need, to anyone really but especially to us), NO WAY,,, she tried with me a couple times but I almost laughed and let her know right away, I'm not the one girlfriend.. and while I'm sure, just because she's a teen, it will happen again, It doesn't now. So, she and I are good. I am absolutely not above saying something to her if she is speaking disrespectfully to her father but in that regard, I pick my battles. He will sometimes correct her but by then he's had it and it's way over the top instead of just shutting her down calmly each time. I can hear her when I'm not in the room and she is using a tone with him that I wouldn't take from my own kids even if I was a crack addicted prostitute... lol she's getting better,,, take no crap lady,, at the very least, as far as your concerned,,, and tell her to pick up after herself!! good luck I feel for ya