Not Your House!
I have a question… I am a rather passive person and it has probably not been my best attribute as a stepparent. I have had issues with SD15 and SD16 doing chores around the house since I have met them. Disney dad will not follow through, so I have given up and I no longer clean the house when they are there, dad has to or he has to work with them do help, which he never does.
SD15 and SD16 are EOW, I have my daughter, 15, full time, 355 days a year estimated. I found out after a heated discussion yesterday preceeding SD16 telling me this wasn’t my house, it was her’s, that SD15 had been telling my daughter over the past couple of years that the house wasn’t her’s, as in my daughter is a rental person, as am I, the house belongs to husband, SD16 and SD15.
I am wondering, what I can I do to instill in them the house is NOT there’s? They were born and raised in the house, I get the connection, but their parents have been apart for over 9 years, SD16 was 7 and SD15 was 6 when they separated. I do not like to yell, I feel I do not merit the conformation from SD16 or SD15. I found out when we do make them clean the house, such as when they don’t have school, SD16 and SD15 are telling my daughter that husband and I are lazy…. Um, if they weren’t there, we wouldn’t have to clean, they are literally pigs! Husband began putting post it notes every where to remind them to change the toilet paper roll, pick up after your self, close the entry door, shut off lights, close shower door, etc.
What can I do to enlighten them that the house is not there’s, it is mine and my husband’s, and yes, my daughter is part of the house, but it doesn’t belong to ANY of the kids.
Michigan is not a community
Michigan is not a community property state. After a marriage of this short duration and the home long being and brought into the beginning of the marriage, OP would get little to next of nothing of the home in event of a divorce at this time.
What the hell do they mean
What the hell do they mean "rental person?" Like, you're some sort of underclass that rents from them?
Oh girl, I'd be livid. If they are bullying your daughter, then please say something to them and shut it down. Your daughter does not deserve to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.
They pay for nothing. I
They pay for nothing. I finally quit buying groceries or he has to go with me because SD16 never liked the food I bought, she would go buy it and he would have to reimburse her. I told him it was terrible that he would give her money to get food when I have food here!
I finally let all the food I bought and the stuff she bought, rot in the refrigerator, he has to clean it out each week or when it needs to be done, I won't do it, therefore he can see the waste.
I do a group text message now, stating I am going shopping if anyone wants anything, DH is included. I can't keep up on what fad diet they are on each week! They always put "healthy foods", well if anyone knows me, I am a heath freak and have been since the day they met me. I tell all of them, my views on healthy and your views on healthy are not alike, I need specifics!
I make the same amount and my husband, we have a joint bank account (which was probably the wrong thing to do), and we share all the bills. SD16 just got a job and starts today. I am hoping it keeps her occupied!!
Post it notes are very tacky I agree!
I'm sorry, All I can see now
I'm sorry, All I can see now is pos tits
Me? I'd not live in "their"
Me? I'd not live in "their" house. Never would have. I am a believer that fresh starts with equal footing is absolutely necessary. In "their" house, you'll always be the outsider. The one Dad allowed to move in and encroach on "their" turf.
I'd start making noise to your DH that it is unfair to all and it's time to buy an 'our' house. 'Our' house meaning a house you and husband purchase together for the two of you and you both turn it into a 'home' for your family. One by one the kids (his and yours) grow up, launch and leave. DH and you continue on in the home you've created together.
In an 'our' home, no child (his or yours) develops a sense of "their" territory. Doesn't matter if one kid is there 24/7 355 and the other wo are 24/7 two weeks a month. The home belongs to Dad or Mom AND SM or SF.
As to the SDs being non-helpful around the house, it's a shame Dad doesn't expect more out of his daughters. It's correct though that you are not their maid and you're right to have Dad be their maid if he isn't going to them pull their own around the house. Teen girls are obnoxious. Bio or step, there is nothing easy about having teenage girls. I seriously suggest a "our home" purchase, but in the meantime, Dad moved his wife and her daughter into his house and he owes it to you and your daughter that he makes sure his daughters respects his decision. There is nothing you, yourself, can say or do to change the SD's attitudes toward it, but Dad can make sure his daughter's damn well behave themselves and be civil.
I am wondering if I start
I am wondering if I start redoing the house, if that would help, make it more the way I want it versus the way it is and has been.
yes , simply start re doing
yes , simply start re doing the house, that's what I did...
curtains first..... then DD's room, then your bedroom and bath room... every effing room in that house, paint it better etc... ignore the brat's room... if the complain.. smile and say, I'm not your parent
Absolutely. If you're not
Absolutely. If you're not buying a new house than yes, your make this one your home. Just be aware, the two daughters will squeal and roar over this too. Not only do they feel it's "their" house, now this woman is changing "their" house. Meh, you'll never please them nor change their minds.
Just leave their individual bedrooms alone and go about putting your own touches on the house. I'm surprised to read you have not already done so. No woman wants to feel they have no say about how the home she lives in is. That ugly uncomfortable sofa some other woman picked out? Out the door it goes. Hate the cupboard fronts in the kitchen? No problem. Go pick out new ones and have them installed. Be sure husband is paying his share , don't put only your cash into these changes.
I'm not sure I'd want to put
I'm not sure I'd want to put a single dime into a home I didn't own. You might want to first find out what recourse you'd have for recouping your investment should you divorce.
razz... I bought half of the
razz... I bought half of the house lol..... Aergia likes telling me it's not your house (I do not live with them)
I simply smile and say - sweety neither is it yours, the day you contribute financially is the day you can call it yours.... that did not help much now I changed my sayings and it pisses her off
Aergia: this is not your house,
Acra: yes I know I'm a guest and guests do not cook and clean, lady of the house does, lift your ass and clean..
That is really funny!!! I
That is really funny!!! I need a laugh.
maybe you should try that
maybe you should try that approach.... keep on making comments about how the woman in the house can't keep it clean..
DD should not be doing anything, you also buy nothing... you and DD are only guests...
work those little brats to the floor, Oh and guests do not do laundry... guess DH and his brats will be doing yours and DD's from now on
I did quit doing their
I did quit doing their laundry a couple of months ago. I would wash, fold, and hang their clothes on hangers (they had to put them away) later to find the clothes thrown all over. I went out and bought 3 laundry baskets, each girl has their own and can do their own laundry. If they leave to their mother's and have dirty clothes left in the basket, they have dirty clothes when they come back.
I do wash my daughters when they are not there and I try to help her when they are there in a subtle way, she plays sports and is gone a lot, his kids do not and are lazy laying around the house.
I quit washing DH's laundry, I told him he can do it and as of the beginning of this week, I quit getting his lunch ready for work. I told him I am not a maid and I will not be treated like one, like an outsider.
oooeee Hon... never quit
oooeee Hon... never quit doing your husbands.... that shouts problems all over....
you can always play the card, I do all of this for you and I hoped you could do this for me... become the helpless little Lolita..... works time after time
only on the verge of
only on the verge of leaving...
I did move out lol...
How old are SKs? Boy or
How old are SKs? Boy or girls? Teenage girls seem so hard
12 years together.... Aergia
12 years together.... Aergia (SD) was 5 when we started dating, I only met her age 8..... then I moved in with SO, (bought half the house )
round about 11 or 12, BM kicked Aergia out one night, we collected her and for a year all was dandy (I have a son 3 years older then her, but he is a monster so I shipped his ass of to boarding school)
Round about when Aergia turned 13 BM suddenly contacted her and the first thing Aergia told me was eff off you whore you are not my mother and this is not your house... I stayed for maybe another 3 months, found ST and moved out back to my own house.. Aergia is now 17 and I can't stand the bitch. She moves out next year January
yes..... pity my old blogs is
yes..... pity my old blogs is down, you would've understand then....
It is really only SD16, and
It is really only SD16, and she has been a topic since I met him. I would say at least three times a year we have a heated discussion over her and her attitude. I get the impression BM is very similar to SD16's attitude. He is afraid to lose them, that is what it boils down to, he doesn't want them to stop coming over or to hate him, so he isn't very strict. SD16 works him and it is obvious and I have pointed that out to him and I have explained to him, it isn't that I don't like her, I see it as you are failing her, you are putting her in a bad spot, she is not a princess and she is not a mini-wife so quit allowing her to act like it!
When his mom passes away, we
When his mom passes away, we get her house, which is right next to ours, a house they grew up in as well their whole life. My fear is no matter where we go, it will always be their's first.
So, he will have two houses.
So, he will have two houses. Upon his death, each of his kids will get a house. This is great for him and his daughters. Not so great for you and your kid.
Since grandma is leaving her house to dad, it is only natural that they will expect dad to do the same.
DH and I are bull dozing down
DH and I are bull dozing down the house we live in now. It is a manufactured house falling apart. He refuses to fix it up because his mother is 84 and well.....It disturbs me in his thinking but he fixes up his mom's house quite a bit.
He stated the deed for her house will be in both of our names, he has made that clear, but the deed says nothing for his kids as far as them comprehending.
My parents live three houses down from us, I told him when my parents die, I get their house....haha....
I am making notes on everything so I can talk to DH further about this. many good points have been brought up.
I'd pull my money out of the
I'd pull my money out of the joint account and separate finances. I'd tell DH apparently my daughter and I are guests. When I see you set your kids straight, I'll contribute to the finances.
^^^^^THIS!
^^^^^THIS!
Oh my your skids are not very
Oh my your skids are not very nice.
Sounds like something their mom told them to say.
Razz - I have lived with SO
Razz - I have lived with SO full time for a year, part time 2 years prior. He has 2 girls SD10 and SD17. The eldest is a narcissistic, mean, selfish, girl-woman. She is only nice if she wants something. Many times during an argument where I am asking her to do/not do something (example: please do not encourage dog to jump on you, please use a towel under rabbit in case she pees/poos, things of this nature, the list is long) she ALWAYS comes out with "Just so you know, I was here FIRST". In fact, Razz if you check my back blogs, I have one titled "I WAS HERE FIRST".
This is an awful feeling, being marginalized in your own home. And your daughter as well. They are using "gang mentality" to try to subdue you and DD. Don't let them. You ultimately have the upper hand by virtue of marriage. But getting down to business making that home yours...real women don't have to stake their claim by being a bully, we all know real women clean, paint and shop. YOU choose the items YOU want. Wednesday evening I took down a faded ugly poster hanging in the bathroom. Put up a really pretty painting instead, some original art by a cartoonist friend of mine. The comment was "What happened to the poster in the bathroom? Where is it? Did you get rid of it? Its been in there forever!!! That one is really nice, I like it".
Also, on another blog, you asked if it gets any better as they age. I think by 14-15 their personalities are set. They just grow in their capacity to be whatever it is they already are. My opinion only, I do not have any bio kids of my own. But I have observed, even today, SD17 who is turning 18 in 2 months, being very disrespectful to her father in how she speaks to him, yesterday cursing at her sister, and then after being told she is walking to school if she cant be ready on time, she proceeds calmly with her grooming then asks me to please take her "one last time".
I said "no absolutely not". My blogs explain why. As you have read by now "I was here first" syndrome is a real thing.
I just read your blog. Thank
I just read your blog. Thank you! Sometimes I feel so alone.
You are definitely NOT alone.
You are definitely NOT alone. Thank you for sharing - opening up can be difficult, and being told cold hard truths is necessary but painful. In these days of permissive parenting, Nasty divorces, horrible fighting between people who should love each other, it helps to find kindness and support. Stick to your guns!
Nothing you say or do will
Nothing you say or do will change their mindset on the house being "theirs". The only thing that will change that is your husband reminding those girls that you are his wife and it is half yours as you pay the bills that goes towards living. He's the one that has to do it. And if he doesn't want to address it then maybe the girls are right and it is more theirs than yours.
The best thing to do is to
The best thing to do is to sell it and you and DH buy one together That shuts the Skids up on this topic.
I have friend who has a very interesting spin on this situation. She is the younges of two children. I was raised with she and her older brother. He is a couple of years older than I am and she is a year younger than I am. Their mother died from a very virulent form of cancer only a couple of months after Dx. That was about 25 years ago. A number of years after their mother died their dad married the MIL of the son. She had been a widow for several decades.
The MIL refused to marry unless her brood (she has like 6 kidS) were accepted as equity heirs to my friend's estate. The dad agreed. This put the daughter in a very odd situation since she and her brother were previously the only heirs and beneficiaries to their parent's estate. It got so weird that the now SM was wearing my friend's mother's jewelry and she was telling everyone that my friends home in Fla was hers. The house was financed by her dad and when he married the son's MIL he added her onto all of his investments including the kid's mortgages.
My friend called me in tears about the jewelry and her house. I advised her to call her dad and ask to speak to him 1:1 and tell him that her mom's jewelry was important to her and she would like for it to be split between she and her brother. I also suggested that she not discuss the mortgage with her dad and just go refinance the house through a mortgage company. Which is what she did. She refinanced the house and got her dad off of the mortgage completely just to shutdown the over reach of the new SM.
Things have settled down and she is now fairly close with her SM and her brother voluntarily assigned his share of the estate over to his sister since his wife (who is his own StepSister after the fact) will inherit part of their father's estate under the marriage agreement between his dad and his MIL.
In the case of my friend... it was the SM who was claiming the house was not hers.
The SM is wearing her
:jawdrop: The SM is wearing her husband's deceased wife's jewelry???
That's just creepy. Why would this SM want another woman's jewelry to wear *shudders*. It would be bad enough if the SM had just taken and sold it (greedy b*tch), but to wear it? Even wearing it with her husband's blessings...that's just wrong in so many ways. The guy, I suppose could have sold it himself if he needed the money, if not stored it until he's ready to hand it off to his deceased wife's children, or outright jut handed it out fairly afterwards as cherished memory sake tokens to his children. But to give it to his new wife and let his kid's watch this other woman wear a dead mother's jewelry. No words. No words.
Yep. It was rather odd. Much
Yep. It was rather odd. Much of the jewelry was custom made specifically for the deceased wife during extended time as Expats.
The new wife is a piece of work though the extended step sibs all seem to get along pretty well. They had been ILs for decades before the father of two married the mother of 6-ish.