Overcoming Hatred
After almost a year of misery, I turned to Google and typed the most heinous search I could think of (I hate my stepson) and was dumbfounded at the number of sites and commentary associated with this.
My husband and I have been married nearly two years. The first "school year" my stepson lived with his biological mother. Since day one she's despised me and has been outwardly abusive to me. Not once has my husband defended me. Not once. That told me a lot about his character. My stepson, now 13, moved in with us permanently almost one calendar year ago.
Initially, it was my idea. Since my SS began school, his mother never got up with him to see him off, never was involved in school and didn't really seem to care about him at all as a mother - or at least as mothers I've always known. So, in unison, we moved him in.
And it began...
He is lazy by nature and is about 20 pounds overweight. That by itself is fine. I've been there. However, he laments daily about his weight, asks nonstop what he can do about it, then eats cake for breakfast. That's hard for me to digest (no pun intended) given that i run an average of 30-40 miles per week and am at the gym 4 days out of seven. If it don't like what you see in the mirror, get off your fat ass and do something about it. Constant, nonstop. I finally told him to stop asking and start doing.
He games constantly. His father and I discussed putting a time limit on the gaming and agreed to a two hour limit. I have a 6 year old that lives with us. The rules were set forth. My husband will not enforce them. It's VERY difficult to raise two children in the same home with two sets of rules.
One of the most irritating things in our home is the incessant interruptions while another person is talking. My six year old is terrible about interrupting when I'm speaking to my husband or my SS. When it happens, I address it and remind him to have respect for others. When my SS exhibits this behavior my husband immediately stops the conversation to ensure his son is being heard. Tonight, after this occurred three times during dinner, my six year old leaned over and said, "mom, why is it ok for him to do that?". I finally caved and said because he's a spoiled brat who has no respect for others and his father won't make him follow the rules. Probably not the best parenting, I know! I'm pretty fed up.
Each morning, my SS gets up and makes a huge mess in the kitchen and each morning I tell him to clean it up. He huffs and puffs and pouts. I told him he was no different than anyone else in the home. I recently resigned a high profile position and am spending time at home before embarking on my next job. Our kids are used to having maids and lawn care services. Now that I'm home, everyone pitches in. My six year old has adapted relatively ok but, as with any child, pushes back when it's time to clean rooms. My SS in the other hand EXPECTS me to clean his room, do his laundry and make his lunch as though someone crowned him. I've stopped doing these things for him, even laundry one week, to make him understand this is MY home and he will learn respect or be miserable. I don't seek my husbands permission nor his input when these things happen. As far as I am concerned, a child will NEVER run my life. He can certainly make it a lot less pleasant though!
The sad part of all of this is that I find myself writing in my journal about HATE where he is concerned. His father gets involved when I raise nine kinds of hell, but that's what it truly takes. I've asked for support and he tells me I have it. I'm a lot more regimented than my husband but we've been able to agree on most rules. Unfortunately, I am usually the one who has to enforce them. I've grown to resent my SS and his mere existence with every fiber of my being. I don't like this feeling and am desperately trying to find a way past this.
Honestly, I just wish he'd move out. The only time my husband and I really fight is over his son. I find him lazy and disrespectful with a misplaced sense of entitlement.
I totally get the growing
I totally get the growing resentment toward skids. I completely get the feeling fed-up. And then things start to go down hill, fast.
I've been living 2 years with 2 teenage skids full time (no bio kids) and I can relate to your experience. Both of my skids they were 11 & 14 when I moved in, were the definition of entitlement, no rules, lazy, demanding, and dominating the entire house!
For me, it's come down to being on the same page with DH and letting him know, he has to step it up, or this is not going to work for me.
Have you tried couple's counseling? It is making a difference for us. I'm beginning to see that the skids do drive a wedge between us, but only if there are already cracks in our partnership. If you are the only one enforcing everything, and DH is not, and worse yet, enabling his son to be disrespectful, disruptive and the center of the household not following the rules, this is going to be a very exhausting experience for you. It will really come down to you and hubby being solidly on the same page, and consistently. It is a work in progress. And I know, for me at least, I'm so worn down, fed-up, exhausted, and unhappy, that there is not much room for the "learning curve". I suspect you may be there too.
I'm sorry, I get it.
Hope this helps.
Oh do I feel for you. Once
Oh do I feel for you. Once that raging hate takes over, it can make you crazy. I actually can hate someone because they caused me to hate. It's a vicious cycle. And, because these types of feeling towards a kid is socially inappropriate, it's even harder to deal with. It's hard to bring yourself to even say it outloud for fear you'll burn in hell.
But, you're human. You are in a position where you can't correct the behavior of two people. Your husband is weak and your ss is taking advantage of that weakness. I have lived with the same father-son dynamic with my ss and husband. It's a very hard nut to crack open. In the end, your husband will only change if you make his life more painful than the spoiled entitled brat. That's really it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You are letting this man off the hook way too easy. He is under no pressure really from anyone. The son is happy with him, you don't "seek his input" but you're really just doing his job. And, to top it off, you have zero ultimate consequence for this kid in the event he ignores you, acts passive aggressive, or fights back. What are you going to do about it? Are there things that YOU CONTROL that will give you ammunition? Can't put the big boy in a corner to stand, right? The person who does all the work and discipline should also hold all the ammo.
MiserableinTexas, When you
MiserableinTexas,
When you come to a board like this, you understand that there are so many other people that feel the same as you do. It sounds to me like you are a reasonable and fair person. I get that from your message ... you don't portray your six-year-old son as perfect, which shows you can be unbiased. I think you are doing everything right. Subjecting kids to rules at a young age, and showing them that there are consequences to not following them is only beneficial. If they get to a certain age and they are not used to this, there's a "point of no return" where they will never totally get it.
Yesterday where I live it was a beautiful day, sunny and 60's and no wind. I was at work a good part of the day and their mother is out of town, and I left some things for them to do. When I came home yesterday evening I came the the realization that my stepkids never as much as stepped outside, not even once. Both of them laid around the house all day in their pajamas, messed around on the computer, watched TV, texted, etc. I'm not kidding ... they literally never went outside once. They are 16 and 13.
In my situation, I have come to this way of thinking: I will continue to try to be the best stepdad that I can. I provide for my family. However, I have drawn some lines in the sand. I will not be disrespected or taken advantage of. I really don't identify with my stepchildren in any way, and I have decided that however they turn out is beyond my control. They are probably both in for a rude awakening at this point when they are on their own.
Oh, have I been in your
Oh, have I been in your shoes! It's almost as if DH is looking at you and nodding in total agreement to what you are saying because it is in the abstract. When it comes to the child, they crumble. It seems to me to happen with sons and daughters alike. I've wondered so much about why this scenario happens, especially since I can see DH being a 100% tuned in father to my BD and our son.
It's puzzling to say the least and the most infuriating as well.