Please help me understand if this is normal!!!! I need help!
I have lived with someone for almost 3 years. Children consist of 2 teenagers (lower teens) and a tweener. I think my main issue is their dad's lack of discipline with them, but I am to the point where I need some outside opinions and /or advice.
One teen is supposedly ADD, etc. he has always been very difficult, and occasionally hits his siblings although it has gotten a bit better. Because I practiced zero tolerance for hitting, I became enemy # 1. He was rarely punished for this by his parents.
He openly mocks me when we are in family situations. The last incident was mimicking my voice when I asked a question - we were playing croquet as family, it was getting dark and when I said "where's the wicket, I can't see it" he began chanting that, mocking me. I was winning so I'm sure that was part of it. If this happened a few times a year I'd tell myself to suck it up, but this in all the time. His father pulled him aside. That's all that happened. He still was allowed to play, enjoy the rest of his evening, no ramifications. I rejected listening to an apology the next morning as it was his dad saying he wanted to talk to me, which I am sure was a fabrication. I have listened to enough apologies that clearly meant nothing.
Am I making too big a deal of it, or do I have the right not to be made fun of to my face in my own home?
Thank you.
Theodora
You as an adult have every
You as an adult have every right to expect respect from a minor, regardless if he is a neighbor, a SK or a bio kid. My SKs know I don't play around with the respect issue; if I'm offended, *I* send them away from me.
I learned early in my marriage that while I need DH to parent his kids, that doesn't mean I'm going to let kids walk all over me waiting on him to pull his head out of the sand.
Thank you. You are right. I
Thank you. You are right. I just have to watch my boundaries. They run to bio mom with tales of woe as you can imagine. If he doesn't get disciplined and I can't send him away, am I wrong to just walk away. Seems then he wins. Dad thinks all the patience in the world and his little heart to heart sessions will end this. Smart guy, but utterly clueless when it comes to this.
I think you set boundaries
I think you set boundaries for yourself. You're not the parent, so it makes sense you don't try to provide a lesson/consequences etc beyond the natural lesson/consequence of how you respond to someone who is unkind to you.
I'd find it hard to refrain from responding to such aggression with equal aggression, but I'm trying (for myself) to be more understanding that the aggression is the mode of communication, not the message.
But that being said, I would have told that child that I thought he was being rude and unkind and that I didn't want to hear that tone of voice again. And if I did, I would have ended my participation in the evening. Assuming your DH wants you there, he'll make sure he doesn't allow his kids to run you off.
And about letting the kid win - the kid is not your rival. He's just your DH's kid.
Thanks for you device, well
Thanks for you device, well said. By winning, I think what I meant was this: I know he considers me a rival for his dad's time, and it probably hurts him that I live with him every day and he does not - the son is very smart, so I am sure he know if he acts a certain way, I will remove myself, and I do believe in his eyes this is a "win." And you said it about not meeting the aggression with guess ion - I am really working on that too!!! Thank you again.
Thanks all. When I last spoke
Thanks all. When I last spoke in a manner much like what cat lettuce states, bio mom demanded I never be around the kids again, and went to family court when we did not abide. Did she win? No, the judge was disgusted at the waste of his time and told her so. So I can see why it's seems right to blame me for not defending myself, but I am not in a normal situation. Many of us aren't but this was a little above and beyond. And. We don't have thousand to waste on a lawyer again, so I feel effectively muzzled even though she gained nothing.
I think I answered my own question in the beginning, my problem is with their father (what is DH?) and if he isn't going to step up I will eventually step out of the picture, for it will surely get worse before it guess better.
And for those that asked what I did I reaction, I waited while his dad took him assigned and the next time he opened his mouth in my direction I asked him not to talk to me for the rest of the game, as he had shown doing so civilly didn't seem to be an option.
Nope, you are not making a
Nope, you are not making a big deal out of this. In fact IMHO you are not making a big enough deal out of this.
Time to tell daddy that if he does not step up and deal with the behavioral and discipline issues of his spawn in a completely effective manner immediately then you will and he will STFU if is parental failure forces your hand.
BioParents in a blended family situation have the responsibility to effectively deal with their spawn or they forfeit that action to the Sparent who as an equity life partner is also an equity parent to any children in the marital home regardless of the biology of children in the home.
This is how my amazing bride and I dealt with the parenting and discipline of my Skid. We are a team. I did have to give her clarity on this issue though. We went through a period where SS-stb22 (then in his early to mid teens) was being a lippy little shit. My DW did not like how I was parenting and disciplining so I gave her clarity that if she did not like how I was dealing with SS then she could step up and get it done before I had to or she could be quiet and have my back. Any discussions would occur off line between the two of us after the Skid was dealt with. Our situation was probably easier than most as we met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2 so I have been his dad for nearly his entire life.
The funny part .... not long after my bride acted on that conversation the Skid came to me and asked "Dad, can you please be the one to deal with me when I am in trouble? Mom makes punishments last way too long. You deal with it and move on." I told him to go talk to his mom. }:) }:) }:) Of course the Skid know full well that his mom and I discuss everything so in part he was joking.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Teenage Stepchildren Long
Teenage Stepchildren
Long post and I apologize in advance...
Been w/ DH since 2006 and knew he was CP of boys ages 9/10 yrs old. This b/c BM ex meth user AND was and is still w/ man who did prison time for domestic violence against her. I love kids... have 4 adult bios I raised as single mom. All 4 are well adjusted, accomplished and successful. I knew there would be adjustments/struggles, but thought "hey I can do this!'
Boy was I ever dumb and completely naive! DH also has 12 yo son from another BM...DH is not currently CP.
The honeymoon period was ok. BM to our faces said I was great...yada yada yada...but little did I know she and her crazy family were undermining me from day one! Telling them they didn't have to listen to me b/c I'm not their mom. SS's had sporadic visitation w/her but talked on phone often enough. I did everything for those boys just as I did for bios...active in school/sports activities. Took them to all practices and attended all games... Dr's appts etc BM would show up once in a while. Bios accepted them into their lives as well.....we did all things as family together.
DH got custody just before we got together...they were living w/ grandma...and she had no structure...did everything for them. Had to teach them about chores, being a part of a family etc...I'm sure you get the idea. It was tough no doubt about it!
Fast forward to last year or so...older SS turned 18 in December 2013 and felt he didn't have to follow rules anymore. Things came to a head w/him in February this year. He got angry w/ us b/c we told him he had to get a job...all he was doing was sitting around house all day on social media...he actually took a swing at his dad so out the door he went! Let me explain my DH and SS's are big!! Not fat just very large folks!! DH is 6'2 275lbs...18 yo 6'2 250lbs and 17 yo 6'2 325lbs.
Now about 17 yo SS...he has issues...had him in counseling and under care of psychiatrist since 2011 after expressing suicidal ideations. Seemed to be doing better.
About ten months ago he gets a GF. I didn't care for this girl from beginning..just gut instinct but my instincts turned out ever so true! His attitude towards me got ugly when we sat him down to talk about it he said it was b/c I didn't like GF. He went on to tell me she 'needs' him b/c she's a cutter and threatens suicide if she can't 'be' w/him! Even w/out my 32 yrs experience as mental health care provider I knew this was not healthy for him!
Well he snuck out and stayed night at her house...I woke up early and called him immediately and he wouldn't answer. So DH and I called GF and told her to bring him home...SS doesn't have DL ...GF refused. She had just moved few days prior and we didn't have new address so when DH demanded her address she continued to argue saying "I will bring him home after we hang out" By this time I'm about ready to have a damn aneurism! DH told her to bring him home or we are calling law enforcement and reporting her for parental interference/kidnapping. This girl is 17 as well. When she brought him home we informed her in no uncertain terms she is no longer allowed at/in our home for her blatant disrespect...this little hussy told ME I'm the problem and in her house parents have to earn her respect and I haven't earned hers!! Took every damn ounce of self control not to beat the shit out of her!
Well last week little shit snuck out again and we were waiting for him when he tried to sneak back in. DH and I sat him down and told him it's simple...follow the rules of our home or there's the damn door!
So SS waits until his dad leaves for work and proceeds to tell me I better not ever tell him what he can and can't do or he'll 'go off on me and it won't be pretty'...he then in a very calm voice tells me he sleeps w/his door locked and knives under his bed b/c he 'knows' I try to come onto his room at night and try to inject him w/air to kill him so one of these days he's going to kill me first. 12 yo ss was here for visit and I realized at this point I was no longer dealing w/angry rebellious teen but a kid w/ paranoid delusional thoughts!
I immediately took 12 yo SS and myself to neighbors for safety called DH and he said babe call law enforcement told him I'm already there...called law enforcement explained I needed welfare check b/c this kid obviously met criteria for 5150 hold...danger to self/others. DH as a courtesy calls BM to let her know her kid is in some serious emotional trouble and needs help. (he's kicking his own ass seven ways to sunday for ever making that call!) So BM calls psycho GF and they both called law enforcement on ME saying I emotionally/physically abuse this kid! DH and I did not know this at the time.
Dh is at this point rushing home from work and as I'm waiting outside neighbors GF comes speeding down street jumps out of car rushes up on me screaming 'what did you do to him?!' Just then 7 deputies roll up and female officer starts listening to 17 yo GF and proceeds to unholster her weapon and orders ME on the ground!! Thank god my DH got there just as this was happening and told other deputies what was really going on! Deputies told female officer to stand down and proceeded inside to talk to SS.
They sat him down and SS admitted to saying everything but b/c he was calm and said he didn't feel that way right then and there they couldn't place him on hold. But they did read him the riot act and told him your dad is a better man than us b/c if you ever said that shit to any of our wives we'd beat the shit out of you...but they said your dad's a big dude and he'd probably maim you! They then proceeded to tell him there's the door so they waited for BM to pick him up.
The drama doesn't end here...psycho BM#1 then contacts psycho BM#2 (of 12 yo) via FB and proceeds to tell her I'm crazy and her son is not safe w/me. So BM#2 hauls DH into court on ex parte hearing...judge dismissed it right away b/c DH has been in court/mediation w/this psycho b/c she refuses to follow court ordered visitation. Perfect example of PAS!!! Judge and mediator told her she's going to lose custody if she keeps this shit up!!
I was having tech issues w/ this site....I adore pretty much all of you...you guys ROCK!!!! Well anyhow needed some support and to vent and made HUGE mistake of going to Cafe Mom!! They are psycho nazis!!! They called me evil and a lot of other things and said thank god those poor babies are no longer in my care!
For about 2 seconds I actually started doubting myself...then my brain kicked in and said hell no...!
My god what is this world coming to when some ppl think it's ok for a kid to hurt ppl?!?!
And to top it off BM of 17 yo didn't even take her OWN kid home...she took him to GF's and that's where he is now...but ya she's SOOOO worried about her baby!
Had to change locks b/c GF had a key w/out us knowing about it!
Pls someone tell me I'm not crazy!!
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