Preparing for SD return
In just a few days SD14 will be returning for a week. In preparation for her return I have been going over my disengagement speech to her. There have been drafts made in my mind and now on paper. During this process I often hear my DH's voice trying to convince me not to be so hard on her. Then my inner "bitch" reminds me that this is about what I want and not about what my DH or SD wants and I continue on with my declaration of disengagement.
It can be difficult to put into words exactly what you've wanted to say for years and do your feelings justice. There are so many things I've done for my DH and SD that they probably had no idea I did and may be shocked that I will no longer be doing. Like planning family trips that are geared towards what my SD enjoys but then she whines and moans most of the trip. Or finding activities for her to do during her visits that she shows not interest in doing. Or the design ideas I find for her bedroom that my DH or I end up doing for her. When you think about it, her life is about to become more boring than she could imagine because her dad's idea of fun is playing golf or sleeping on the couch and my life is about to become more enjoyable.
My DH made plans to do some things with SD during her visit as he will be off work then. I had to explain to him that the plans he made may not be possible as there is no money to budget for this. He's already talked to his mother about not having the money and she has offered to help. Now it appears to be 3 against 1. Oh well. I still have my "allowance" budgeted and will have no qualms about spending it on me.
Don't give her a
Don't give her a disengagement speech. Just do it. End of story. If she asks for anything from you, refer her to her father.
There is nothing that a
There is nothing that a speech is going to change. Actions speak louder than words.
Both Ghost and misSTEP are
Both Ghost and misSTEP are right. Not only do actions speak louder than words, your words will open a dialogue in which debating, arguing, or complaining will be welcomed (in SD14s mind).
Just do it.
dup
dup
Agreed to the above !! Let
Agreed to the above !! Let her figure it out all my herself. No need to explain yourself.
Your speech idea makes me question your seriousness in disengaging ~ like an ultimatum. There is no debate in disengaging. Disengaging is like the last straw ~ ( to me that is). All your efforts to be an engaging sm are being taken advantage of. It's time to do you ~ do you and be successful ~ you will feel great !!! ( just like Tony the Tiger )
I disengaged a month ago.
I disengaged a month ago. Other than an exasperated "I'm DONE with these Skids," to my DH, no one knows that I made this "official" decision.
What they DO know is I don't do as much as I used to. I pretty much do nothing unless it involves me. I will help plan what groceries to get, etc., but that's because DH and I need to eat. I could give a shit if SD19 and SDstb13 have a hot cooked dinner. I cook 1x a week when DH asks, because he gets stuck in traffic a lot. Other than that, nope! I am in my "boudoir" resting my back and doing MY thing.
No formal speech. I know it's tough to stay quiet, but stay quiet. Go through DH a few times in the beginning as you learn to perfect your craft. Four weeks in, you'll be giddy like me!
Good luck, we're rooting for you!
~ Moon
I'm just doing what was in
I'm just doing what was in the disengagement essay I read so I am befuddled as to why my seriousness is in question.
How do you suggest then I communicate my expectations and consequences (as described into the essay) to my sd regarding such things as not using my personal belongs without permission? Or picking up after herself? Or not waking me up at night due to going in and out of her room or up and down the stairs outside my bedroom?
This is quite frustrating for me to have researched this for weeks and now have so many responses that this is unnecessary.
Those things are different
Those things are different than disengaging, those are your boundaries and what you expect from HER and that's fine, in my opinion (except her dad should be telling her to pick after herself).
But there is no need to tell her that you are not going to do anything for her or be emotionally invested in her or her life, which is what disengagement is about. Let your actions dictate that.
Giving a disengagement speech
Giving a disengagement speech is, well, engaging her. She will see it as inviting her to give her opinion, or defend herself, or give her own little speech. No one wants to hear that!
I am only saying that if you
I am only saying that if you give your speech you are in fact giving her a platform to debate you ~ to judge your words ~ sort of giving her the last word.
Your speech is definitely about your boundaries then. Telling her what you will not tolerate. ~ that is not disengaging. You don't announce to the person you are disengaging that you are disengaging. You don't need to explain what you will not longer being doing.
Quite honestly, this whole
Quite honestly, this whole situation has me so frustrated and in tears as I feel like I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Why is something that appears to be so cut and dry made to be so difficult. I'm over it!
Over step ~ we have all been
Over step ~ we have all been where you are right now.
The disengaging idea is often confusing ~ it's difficult to ignore someone in your home.
Disengaging is more of a thought of no longer doing your DH's job. It's your sd but his kid. The position of a sm is more unappreciated than being a mom.
Over step, it's ok to feel
Over step, it's ok to feel frustrated. Little terrorists do that do a person!
Here's my suggestion: Keep it simple. Don't over explain anything to SD14. Women tend to over explain almost everything. We lose power and credibility when we do that.
not using my personal belongs without permission?
This is a personal boundary issue, NOT disengaging issue. Tell her "no" and mean it. When she does it again, respond swiftly without consulting DH (after all this is your property). In my case, I had to tell SD12 "If you take my curling iron again, you will lose your iPhone for one week." I always say what I mean and follow through. No empty threats. No angry words. *No explaining* when the consequence is due, a simple "You will get the iPhone back next Tuesday at 4pm. If you take my curling iron again, it will be two weeks next time." She takes your stuff? You follow through. Do not delay this response, because it's a boundary issue and boundary/respect issues require immediate response.
picking up after herself?
Disengaging issue. Let DH handle it. If he "ignores" the SD14s mess, then specifically say to DH (not SD!), "The clothes in the bathroom need to be picked up" or "The dirty dishes need to go in the dishwasher" every.single.time.she.does.it. Make it his problem to remedy.
not waking me up at night due to going in and out of her room or up and down the stairs outside my bedroom
Disengaging issue. Kick hubby awake and advise him to go quiet his daughter down. Again, every single time. You don't address or confront SD, even if DH says he's a "deep sleeper and doesn't hear it" or he "has to get up early, can't you talk to her?" NO. His monkey, his circus. His daughter, his problem. You become the reason DH "wants" to address his daughter's behavior - because if he doesn't, you'll continue to wake him up every 5 minutes until he does.
I disengaged about a year ago now, the last six months pretty hard core. Never been happier. And because I'm happier, less things about the skids bother me. The push-back from DH was more intense in the beginning, but it will get better if you remain consistent and calm about it. And NO over-explaining! Just do it without lengthy reasons "why" you have to do this.
The disengagement itself does
The disengagement itself does not seem hard to me because I've pretty much been doing it since my SD made horrible statements about me when we told her we were pregnant. I lost the baby early on which makes it more difficult to want to be around her or do nice things for her.
I think this is more about not being disrespected my DH than it is gaining respect from SD. I will still demand SD show my respect but I'm not at all concerned if she truly does respect me or not. That ship sailed months ago.
Understand completely ~ your
Understand completely ~ your issue is with DH. And why is it so difficult for them to speak to their child about respecting who they are with. Why do they get an opinion on who our DH decide to spend their lives with. If their behavior were corrected the first time it occurred would we all be where we are today.
My DF used to give his daughters opinion a platform ~ saying she is entitled to her opinion. I use the word entitled because that girl road that word in every aspect of her life. My dialogue in my head ~ was DF you really need to tame your shrew. Like said above ~ ain't my monkey not my circus.
DF has finally figured out that for years he was just an ATM to bubbles the monkey. She got to the age that she no longer wanted to spend time with her dad. He was disposable to her. She had to train a new monkey ~ her bf. Although this is the normal cycle in life ~ but the self entitled attitude with it was unnecessary. Why should DF keep trying with her when is efforts are fruitless.
I told DF if you are willing to let SD dictate your life ~ you will be miserable and alone cause I am right here in front of you and I love you and you could be throwing what we have away for what ??? She is going to have her own life soon ~ and we will only be around for guidance. You want to grow old alone or have someone that loves you.
After reading these stories I
After reading these stories I feel I'm being too soft in my demands and think it's my DH's voice taking over. There has always been some reason why we couldn't be too hard on her (BM would have a fit, can't change the behaviour when SD is only here a few days a month, etc). More like excuses to me.
I feel I have a better direction now and know what I need to do. Thanks for helping me thru my breakdown!
I've read "reports" from
I've read "reports" from disengaged step-parents who didn't say one word to anyone.
I don't recommend leaving the spouse out of it but letting the kid flounder isn't a bad idea. Disengagement throws them completely off kilter. Now the dragon is gone, how can I continue to complain and who's to be impressed when I act up?
You pull the power rug out from under them leaving them helpless. No speech is necessary to do that, in fact it may be counter productive. The essay you read is the basic program and you can use or ignore parts of it as you see fit.
You're going to love your next few weeks watching this unfold and we'll love to read about it.
My DH is aware of my
My DH is aware of my disengagement. I think he has already started feeling the effects of it but may not completely understand the full impact this will have on him.
My SD will be told of a few boundaries of mine which will have consequences that I will enforce, as my DH does a lot of "reminding". Otherwise, things left out will stay out or, if need be, she will lose the privilege of using it or will be thrown away. (I don't know where it is.)
I told my DH what I was about
I told my DH what I was about to do because I have empathy for him as he is aware that he is to blame for how his DD behaves. Don't get me wrong, it does not excuse him for allowing his DD to disrespect me and my home. Now he has been put in a position where he either steps up to change things or take on the responsibility of cleaning up after her. As far as SD, I'm sure she will play the victim and make it known to her dad and BM how mean to her when she has done nothing wrong. I imagine that DH will see through that at some point when he has cleaned up after her one too many times.
I hope it works for you. I
I hope it works for you. I still get mad because I see DH picking up after the Skids. THEY made the mess, THEY need to clean it up. Even if DH made the mess, he works 60 hrs a week, his kids can get off their asses and help out.
Problem is, I tend to rattle off to him everything that needs to be done. This is in the evening when we're exhausted from work and he forgets about it. We both leave the house before 6am. I'm thinking I need to leave a chore list for DH and HE can delegate who does what, or he can do it himself. He has SDstb13 doing chores today and her laundry.
SD19 came home early from work "and doesn't feel good." Oh brother. Please sweet Jesus let her STILL GO to the beach tomorrow. She has been fed-up with her bf and they are supposed to go to the beach together for a few days.
~ Moon
I tried putting on the fridge
I tried putting on the fridge house rules(which were pretty much common sense) and a chore list with only 2 things SD was responsible. SD chuckled right in front of us both and asked " house rules?" to which DH respond "yes and chores to do if you want to earn some money". I knew then this was a joke to her. She later manipulated me into buy her a book on "credit" to her allowance which she never did earn. Then she proceeds to say she also "needs" make up. I looked DH and said that is not a necessity and she will have to use her own money. I felt like such a cool but learned a valuable lesson.