It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.....
SD10 is slowly pulling away. BM and DH let her call the shots when it comes to visitation so her visits to our house have been decreasing drastically, especially since we announced the new baby is on the way.
In past years, DH has been pretty adamant about making sure we spend the same amount of money for Christmas gifts on BS15, BS13 and SD10. But this year, I took the ball and I'm running with it. I received a very nice annual bonus this year and since the baby will be here in May and everything will absolutely change for all of us when that happens, I decided this will be the year to spoil my boys, myself and my man for Christmas. I've told DH that I will handle all of the shopping for everyone except SD10. What he doesn't know is that I'm giving him a much lower budget to spend on her than I am spending on the rest of us. She's not coming to visit much anyway and we can't send any of her gifts home with her because BM refuses to allow anything from us in her house. So why waste the money? I'm not saying she won't get things she doesn't like, she just won't get as much.
I also asked DH to talk to BM about switching the schedule for the Holidays so that we have SD10 before Christmas, instead of after. This is because my boys will be with their Dad before Christmas and with us after. Although I don't have any problem with my buying plan, I certainly don't want SD10 opening her gifts alongside BS15 and BS13, where it will be blatantly obvious that they received more than her. I'm not an ogre. I do care about SD10's feelings.
So here is the conversation DH had when he asked to switch the schedule.
DH: Can we possibly switch the Holiday schedule this year? We have some plans we need to work around and this will be better for us. Plus, it would mean you get to enjoy Christmas morning with SD10.
BM: That's up to SD10.
Enters SD10.
SD10: Why do you want to change the schedule Daddy?
DH: SM has made some plans that we are trying to work around and you being here before the Holidays will just be better.
SD10: Are we going on a trip? I don't want to change the schedule if we are going on a trip.
DH: I don't know what we are doing. SM just asked me to change the schedule for Christmas.
SD10: Well if we are going on a trip, I don't want to go. You know how I get car sick. I'd rather just stay home.
Blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's just fine with me SD10. This just gives me all the fuel I need to plan all of our family trips when you are not with us.
Ultimately, my fear is that once everything is revealed, DH will be upset that I increased the budget for everyone but SD10. What I'm hoping is that DH will be so ecstatic with what I bought for him (it's not cheap and he's been wanting it for a while), that he will understand the reason behind the covert mission.
Or this will be like every other situation and it will bite me right in the ARSE!!!!
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Under normal circumstances,
Under normal circumstances, DH does get a say-so, but this year is different. I want to surprise DH and the boys with their gifts and I cannot do that if DH is involved in the process. And there is absolutely nothing that we could possibly buy SD10 for the amount of money I'm spending on the other 3 that wouldn't be a total waste of money.
Letting SD10 call the shots is a whole other situation that enrages me. DH's response is "what choice do I have?" His fear is if he doesn't give her what she wants than she'll stop coming to see him altogether. And although that wouldn't cause me to lose any sleep, it certainly would be difficult for DH. So rock or hard place. I get where he's coming from. And he can't talk to BM about it. She's like a brick wall.
I'm not sure how I would feel
I'm not sure how I would feel about being put on a "budget" for my kids and them coming to find out it was so my DH's kids could get more. I wouldn't care what gift I got, personally. I think this is not a good move on your part and I have a feeling it's going to come back and bite you. I do understand where you're coming from, though. I get enraged at the money that I feel is wasted on Skids clothes that they wear one time and we never see them again. And if we keep them for just here, they never get to wear them due to the crazy custody schedule.
I don't particularly have a problem with budgeting for Christmas, it's the sneaky way this is being approached. Good intentions or not, this is not going to turn out well I have a feeling.
Ok, maybe I need to make the
Ok, maybe I need to make the "budget" situation more clear. I am not limiting what he can spend on SD10. He has already told me what he wants to get for her and he will get no argument from me. And I assure you that SD10 will be happy with her gifts. The difference is what he is planning on buying her and what I'm buying the rest of the family is substantially different - price wise. But first of all, what I'm buying the rest of the family, I cannot justify buying for SD10, no matter what issue it may cause. There is no reason to spend so much money on something that will literally collect dust in our house. And I had considered buying her one as well and sending it with her to BM's, but it would not be accepted. Secondly, I feel the same way about clothes as you do. SD10 currently has 3 shirts in her closet that still have the tags on them from last winter. But I can just pass those down to my niece without fretting too much.
You may be right, this may not be the best idea I've ever had, and I know I'll get swarmed for saying this, but I earned this bonus and I want to do something amazing for the 3 most supportive members of my family.
YOU earned it. YOUR money.
YOU earned it. YOUR money. YOU get to spend it how you please.
Yes I misunderstood the
Yes I misunderstood the budget part of it. That's what left a bad taste in my mouth. If my husband gave me a budget and then spent whatever he wanted on his kids I'd tell him to budget himself off a cliff. But we are combined and discuss EVERyTHING. Not everyone has husbands that are willing to work like that. You should get to do what you want with your bonus that you earned!!! I just wouldn't be sneaky about it. I would say this is what I'm buying if you want to do the same you have a ball.
I can totally understand
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am splurging a bit this year on DH and my BS because I came into some extra money. Things are never equal between skids and my BS so it won't really be any different than any other year and even if they did notice I wouldn't care. Skids almost always get way more than my BS due to having a lot more relatives. As far as DH goes, I don't care if they think I spent a lot and I don't care if they report it back to BM(I'm sure they will). I work, make decent money and will spend it how I please.
Way too much time is spent coddling COD. In intact families, I can see trying to keep things equal between children but in our situations there are too many factors and things will never be equal anyway.
kmetz76, notasm and Sports
kmetz76, notasm and Sports Fan,
Thanks for the reassurance. I agree with each of you whole-heartedly.
A little OT here but I see
A little OT here but I see situations where the skids are supposed to be treated "equally" when it comes to presents. But in your situation, all the kids involved have another bio parent elsewhere. So, by your DH's logic, are you guys going to spend TWICE as much on the baby's presents when it comes? Since the baby is only going to get one Xmas??
As far as your current situation, your bonus, you get to decide how to spend it.
misSTEP, Excellent point
misSTEP,
Excellent point about the baby's presents. Wow, I've never really thought about that. Of course, didn't plan on having his, mine and ours. So now I have some food for thought.
I feel many ways about this.
I feel many ways about this. I understand not buying her as much because she is not around really. I plan to do the same with SS3 because he will be with BM this year. BUT I don't have other kids for SS3 to compare gifts too either. I do think it is your hard earned money and you should be able to treat your family as you see fit, but I also think you are setting yourself up for a huge debacle when its all said and done. Regardless if your SD stays with you before or after, your DH is going to be able to see the substantial difference in gifts and hell probably be offended. Another thing to consider is that if SD doesn't change her visitation what is the likelihood that she'll stay for her visitation at your house? My point is that if she barely comes over already and she has control then she'll probably just come over to get her gifts and go back on her way to BMs; maybe you could wait until she leaves to bring out the extra gifts for your family? I don't know, its definitely complicated.
On the other hand I think its wrong that Skids notoriously come during gift-giving season and ignore their parents the rest of the year so maybe you do get your boys what you want and when she opens her measly gifts you can make a comment that she never comes over and you have no idea what she likes or wanted. It would serve her right but she'll hate you for it. And DH will probably be upset too. I guess it just depends on what you really want to do and what you think is worth it.