It's saga, sorry for long read: *names have been changed to protect the guilty*

Background: been in my 11 year old stepson's life since his father and I took his mother to court in April of 2017. My husband, Daniel, was in the army when his pregnant wife left him for her ex-boyfriend. Ex-wife, Karen, did not want Daniel to be involved in their child's life and her and her bf, Seth, tried to pressure him to give up his rights (which he never legally did). Daniel got into trouble during the last few months of this time in the army and did not get out until the month after his son was born. Not that he knew where his wife was but he wasn't able to leave to see his son being born. Regardless, she gave her son, her bfs last name, left her husband and son's father's name off the birth certificate (she told the court she put his name on it but we had a copy and it doesn't have his name but it does have the age her bf was at the time and his place of birth....). She and Seth refused to allow Daniel to be a part of his son's life and said several times that if he wants a divorce he needs to let Seth adopt their child, which my husband didn't want to do.

Daniel started paying child support when his son was about two and it was the first time she let Daniel meet his son. He had birthday and Christmas gifts in his trunk that he saved over the years to give to his son. 

He was able to speak to his son a few times on the phone as they resided several states apart. My husband was using his GI bill to go to school and he could only use it in his home of record at the time. 

*Note: Daniel's mother and grandmother were Facebook friends with Karen and have expressed interest in being a part of his child's life but Karen and Seth didn't allow that either. 

See the only family this child knew was his mothers and the man he thought was his father. 

The next time Daniel heard anything from them was several years later. Daniel did reach out or traveled to the state over the years like when he was told by his grandmother that his son was in the hospital (which Karen never picked up the phone for or told him about but posted on Facebook). She also seemed to block his grandmother after this. Anyway, Seth calls Daniel about two-ish years because Karen left and was using the child support at the bar and left the kids with him (Seth and Karen had a daughter about 15 months after Daniel's son was born). Daniel was still in school with no family support living in South Florida which is expensive as heck so he sent the payments to Seth instead because he didn't have thousands of dollars for court costs and that was the only way he knew he was getting his son. I'm sure he could have just showed up at that court hearing and they would have given him his son but who knows. 

So husband graduates school and is teaching about 1.5 years before the two of us have the 3k it takes to hire an attorney to handle the divorce, because yes, they were still legally married almost 7 years on and for the custody issues. We get visitation and are able to land jobs teaching in the same state at the end of our first summer visitation. The judge set up weekends and like nitpicked the calendar until the official court date because as she told Karen, Daniel is the father and he is going to have the summer visitation and the judge wanted there to be a slow increase in the amount of time this child spends with this man he doesn't know.

In fact, a few months ago we got the story of how SS was told about his father. Mind you, this 6 year old kid grew up with a mom who walked in and out of his life, was spending time with Seth who casually mentions that he is not his real father. Like Karen didn't even have the nerve to tell her OWN son that Seth isn't his real father.. I can't. And a week before the first court day...

Present day: Daniel and I have been living in the same 4 bedroom house together, we have a two year old daughter and with the pandemic we have basically had 50/50 custody with SS. The first few years were rough as you can imagine from the background info. Daniel has always been open about his mistakes and the part he played in his absence. He didn't lie about his part to make himself look better, he took responsibility with his son because he wants to be open upfront contrary to Karen and Seth who still blame everything on Daniel and never owned up to their parts. SS at this point knows the type person his mother is and has his own walls up to deal with her nonsense, in fact she left again for 3 months the literal week our daughter was born. SS has been more open with us about the ongoing mess that is his stepfather's house. Seth has always been jealous and insecure about SS's relationship with his father and recently became a jealous emotionally abusive butthead to SS because SS was expressing positive feelings about his father. That completely severed their special relationship. SS would always go to Seth and talk to him and last night showed how terrible it really is. Last night SS got upset and instead of calling his mom or Seth he called his younger sister to talk. He was upset that my husband often devotes a lot of time to our daughter. I understand that and I understand the situation that my husband is in: spilt between his kids. SS was always Seth's favorite until recently and even though SS gained a father, he also lost one. It wasn't his fault: it's Seths fault but it took Daniel calling Karen out that she put a stop to the shit Seth was doing. 

He is going to counseling, we used to only have him every other weekends and holiday breaks and it was hard finding a counselor that sees children on the weekend because Karen wouldn't take him or SS just didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings around her.

He's been moody with an attitude and we've chalked it up to a mix of impending teenage-hood and dealing with emotions from having emotionally abusive or neglectful parents and he just doesn't have the words to describe it. 

A few months ago when the Seth issues were happening he finally embraced my husband as his dad. For almost four years, he was calling Seth dad and would call biodad by first name or not refer to him but speak in general or through me. It was because his mother and Seth never accepted Daniel as SS's father. Even on the phone to his mother now, he has to refer to Daniel not as father but as Daniel and Seth as Dad, even though it is flipped at our house. (We've told him it is okay to call Seth Dad, that we understand and it's okay but he says that he doesn't want to because he's not acting like a dad should. When he catches himself calling him dad, he will stop himself and emphasize SETH instead). He's remarked that his mother and Seth aren't always accepting of what SS wants to call them. 

Today he called his mom because he doesn't want to go to in-person school and the first week after break they were gonna be virtual and he wanted to stay down here with us. Don't get us wrong, we are glad SS wants to be here, but we feel disappointed that it may be more that he's trying to get away from his mother and stepfather than wanting to be here with us, you know. We tend to give him more space, he's always had his own room here and a bathroom pretty much to himself, and low responsibility in terms of chores- he helps put dishes away, his clothes away and is to keep his room and bathroom clean. His mom hasn't seen him since Thursday and it is now Sunday and she knows he was upset last night so she was asking him some questions about how he's doing and if he was planning on going to karate and etc, and he did not want to talk to her. He just wanted to get off the phone with her and was getting very frustrated and upset that she wouldn't let him go. We tried talking to him and he said he was upset with her because she wouldn't let him go. We told him that he can't be rude or disrespectful over the phone and all she wanted to do was see how he was doing because she won't see you for the week. Obviously there is more but he has told us more than once that he doesn't feel comfortable expressing his emotions at his moms house because it "starts drama." 

We also don't overreact to anything negative that SS says unlike his mother and Seth. Like if SS has an opinion we don't agree with, which although is rare, we don't get mad at him about it or call him a snowflake about it. We also don't ignore him when he gets upset; we tend to see if he's okay and comfort him if he wants and ask what we can do to help him. He's sensitive sometimes and I think there are times we trigger him unknowningly because it's a sore spot he's carrying with him.

Dainel and I know we can't change Karen or Seth, and all we can do is try to have a space available for SS to feel safe in. I guess I need help or advice in what else I can to help SS because this isn't the average bitter divorce/ spilt household. He has stated to both sets of parents that he wants to live down here with us and go to our zone school next year when he goes into 6th grade. He lives in a small papermill town and he never gets to hang with his two friends for various reasons. His mom basically guilted him about it and really SS isn't yet at an age where a judge would listen to him. Having SS live with us would mean his mom would have to give up child support and she isn't going to do that. It's just a mess and this poor child is wrapped up into. I mean my husband’s parents divorced when he was 12 or 13 and he was a terrible teenager as a result and we just want to provide a stable as possible home environment for him and I am glad his mom is letting go of him a bit. Karen says the attitude and angst is the same there too so we aren't alone but with everything that is happening or has happened, I just can't say that SS doesn't have all these repressed emotions that are bottled up in the coke bottle and these hormones are the mentos ready to drop. 

Long story short: stepson's past (and present) of parental alienation and substitution is leaving him feeling like a bottle waiting to erupt. What else can my husband and I do to help him? Yes, he's started counseling and it's been difficult finding a counselor who is available while he is down here during thrusdays through Sundays. We give him space to talk privately, his mother doesn't do that.