Ready to Leave

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First, before telling my tale of woe, I'd like to thank all of you fine ladies and gentlemen for keeping me afloat this last year.
You have all kept me going and kept things in perspective when I have been isolated here in a new city, in a really dysfunctional home, with a mentally ill SS to be and a Disneyland fiancee.

I went from being a young proffessional to having walls punched right next to my face by an ASD kid having a a meltdown, having a teen threaten to commit suicide over not getting a new Iphone, watching a checked out and tired dad allow his son call me stupid, a slut, walk in on me in my bedroom, steal from me and every single one of you has illustrated to me that it will only get as good or bad as the custodial parents will allow. It kills me to see a kid to go seed when someone could be setting boundaries, helping with homework, having some chores, but they are too busy being selfish.
I've gone from happy and carefree to having constant panic attacks, and I can't even leave the house without a war.

I want my fiancees son to have a good life, but I get to watch him be ruined.

I'm stuck, for now, in an abusive relationship with a parent who will not set boundaries, in an abusive home where I am abused by a teenager, where I cannot even hide.
I hate to say it, but after doing my homework, if I have to get up on a pole to get out of here I will.

I was stupid and moved states away from everyone I know and love to be with someone I grew up with, and I don't care how I get out.

You have all kept me alive.

Thank you.

Thanks. I would never judge a

Thanks. I would never judge a lady for making a buck when she needs to, and we do have a shelf life. If people think that women get treated well in finance, law, IT or accounting, I'd say that a stripper has the better end of the deal. I've been in corporate America, and would rather scrub toilets sometimes than deal with that noise.

I'm in IT and I get treated

I'm in IT and I get treated like crap. At least at this job. All because I don't have a dangly bit between my legs.

*professional. God, I can't

*professional. God, I can't spell sometimes.

SS, well, he's not really a

SS, well, he's not really a SS...has PDD-NOS, but his parents call it ASD. He steals from a store, gets bailed out, insults someone's cooking gets bailed out. Smokes at school, someone else's fault. Someone has a probkem with any of this? It's because they don't love them and.. he's gonna kill himself. Steals from us? It was a setup. Has no freinds because he's mean? They are bullies. Tortures animals? Ignored. Steals from me? You're picking on him. Gets caught? "She set me up". Didn't do homework? It's a big conspiracy. All of his teachers are big fat liars until the prigress reports come. I'm apparently out to get him. This kid is going to jail soon, and I'll tell you why. His parents are checked out. People exist to serve him, and his own parents are so checked out that they reward him for crappy behavior rather than parent. I'm not paying for him to live in my basement with a husband who hates me.

I was in a DV shelter once. I

I was in a DV shelter once. I had a bf that beat me black and blue and raped me.
The staff were wonderful, and I got a job without their help. I'd like to avoid being homeless. I spent all of my 20's and early 30's focusing on my education. I may have to do this. But, he had better serve me papers to leave. I'll never go through that again if I can help it.I have mostly been working. I took a massive paycut to work in a new startup and got screamed at for working too much.
My money went towards groceries, utilities and bills and he could not understand why while working in litigation I had 12 hour days. I quit to have my own business (stupid) that would give him more free time w me. He makes 6 figures a year, and needs all of my money. Then I went back to work in finance and we constantly fought because I came home late. Finance is a boy's world rough and tumble gig where yelling, sexual harrassment, and long hours are par for the course. He has this cozy job from 7-3 where he has paid his dues in engineering with nary a female about. He just can't understand why a woman with more education and more experience can't easily make as much or more than him so that he can have a bigger house and morre toys.I however, have raggedy clothes that hardly fit, a beat up car with a crack in the windshield and a bald tires and get to watch him buy things on Amazon and drive a nice car while he bitches about CS and Alimony. I want things to be just back to me, my cat and Netflix forever.

Well, when SS punched the

Well, when SS punched the wall right next to my face I wanted to call the police. Dad stuck up for him, as this behavior is apparently typical. If I had called the police, Fiancee informed me I would be homeless. I've been marginally employed, but lowly paid FT since moving here and all spare money goes to fiancee, household bills. If it were legal, I'd sell the ring and run. Fiancee said on Christmas that he hates me, is disgusted by me and can't stand to look at my face. I own a side business that I let slide after focusing on a contract finance job...I need to hide my income and run for it.Fiancee is big on the GTFO thing, smashing things but has not hit me yet. I grew up in a poor abusive home and would not settle down, got as much education as I could for this very reason.

Fiancee gets angry when I

Fiancee gets angry when I leave without permission.

Oh, I know. I don't care if I

Oh, I know. I don't care if I have to flash my tits to a stranger or couchsurf to get out. I'm getting out.

I am not going to jail for

I am not going to jail for stealing a ring. Technically, since a ring is part if a contract the donor (depending on state) can sue or press charges for theft. I looked it up on legal databases and state codes. I think that's screwy...but the legal precedents support it. I'm not getting sued or jailed by a vindictive ass.

BUT! IF he tells YOU to GTFO

BUT! IF he tells YOU to GTFO - then isn't that HIM breaking the contract and not you? Which then gives you the right to keep the ring and hock it?

I'm basically getting ready

I'm basically getting ready to just put gas in my car and run.

You are right. Thank you. I

You are right. Thank you. I don't know why it took me so long to see this.

Girl just pack up everything

Girl just pack up everything that is yours while he is out of the house and make a run for it and never look back. Send him the ring by registered mail so you have proof he got it back. Don't just leave it there or he can lie or SS can steal it. Take photos of the house the way you left it to prove you did not steal or trash anything. Block his number and dissapear.
Permission to leave the house? Wtf. You are a grown woman...you don't need his permission.
Gas up that car, start stashing your most important items in the trunk and leave anything that is non essential if you don't have the money to rent a truck or people to help you move all at once. You can always get it into a storage locker and come back later for it. If he comes home while you are moving out, call the cops for them to keep the peace while you finish.
Good luck.
You are free to move about the country now. Enjoy your new life.
Peace.

Edited...do what Bechers book said about the ring. You earned it and paid for it with the money you spent feeding his ass.

I see that you are trying to

I see that you are trying to help. And I heard what you are saying.
What I have to ask you, is have you ever been in a DV shelter before?
You seem to be pretty condescending, and that's not how someone who has lived in fear would treat someone who lives in fear.
Papers to leave is an eviction notice.
If you had ever been in abusive relationship, partners use kicking you out as a terrorism tactic.
If you're going to be condescending, do it to someone less savvy.
Seriously, you're like the lady that gets off of being subtly nasty.
P.S. Everyone gets it but they are too polite to call you on it. You're not pulling any intellectual chicanery over anyone, you're just mean.

You're right. I was overly

You're right. I was overly emotional and read too far into Sue's comment. Sorry, Sue, if that's worth anything.

I know this sounds stupid,

I know this sounds stupid, but when your S/O constantly threatens to leave/move out and doesn't do it, is that emotional abuse?

I guess I could always move

I guess I could always move in with my well-meaning but not sane parents. It's getting to the point that I would want to do that. My parents are not terribly supportive and are not quite well, but are aware of what is happening. I Moved out at 16 because I was raised in an abusive home, then put myself through college and then grad school. I love my parents deeply, but that might be a frying pan fire move for me. I guess DV shelter is the way to go with how things have been going lately. I used to say that I would rather live in a cardboard box or jump off of a bridge than move back home with my parents.

And you are right. I have

And you are right. I have less than 60 bucks in checking, 1/4 tank gas and a heart full of vitrtiol. I think no one gets anywhere without a plan. I need to have some hidden income, a poker face and a plan if I want to come out of this without being on the street.

Heavens no, real, not a

Heavens no, real, not a troll. Basically, I'm screwed and need to GTFO ASAP, but looking for support. I pretty much agree with everything that all of you have been saying. I'm just very, very scared of being homeless. The last time I went to a DV shelter and got out of an abusive relationship was hell, and I was borderline homeless for a while. It was awful.
Perhaps, if I were a troll I'd be a bit more cavalier. I know what it's like. A fancy degree won't save you.

Well, I just called my Mom

Well, I just called my Mom for the third time today, and all she could say is, "has he hit you" no. "Then what's the problem?". This is the lady that threw me out at 14, 15, 16. Was it illegal, yeah, but there's this thing called ,"My daughter ran away", which gives %^& heel parents a vacay. I've been on my own from 16, never asked for a dime because I knew she or my father din't have it and I just inconvenienced her. She was just pissed that she had kids that she didn't want and didn't get to be an engineer.

To answer Mrs. Meds- yeah- I have them and I wish I could get enough to make me a robot so I could not feel.

I get so angry when people that had supportive families don't get that you can't go back home. If that bridge right down the street were high enough....
So now I am calling all of my friends and begging for their help. Funny how many people think that your life is their entertainment.

It's funny how you can do all the right things and get sucked into some bs by some miserable hateful people if you let down your guard for one moment.

Laugh it up. Some people are sick.
When my ass is on a pole, feel really high and mighty and good about yourself.

I have been in your shoes, I

I have been in your shoes, I know it's not easy . If you feel physically safe nothing wrong with having a plan and staying long enough to accumulate enough funds to implement it . However if you don't feel safe then get out now, and don't let fear of the unknown stop you . You are smart and resourceful and will be fine . I pm'd you .

Just take care of

Just take care of yourself.

Call your family and friends. Someone will send you a plane ticket or drive to pick you up. There is nothing in that toxic cesspool of a situation that you can't walk away from immediately.

Time to go IMHO. NOW!!!!

Good luck.

Get a PO Box. Get a bank

Get a PO Box. Get a bank account listing the PO as the address. Change your direct deposit to your new bank account. First check in your new account? Take the day off work and clear out. Done.

Having been in an abusive

Having been in an abusive relationship myself, I know how difficult it can be to up and leave...especially when you find yourself in bad financial situation. Do what you have to do to take care of you!!! Sending {{{HUGS}}}

I'm sorry Sue. I was freaked

I'm sorry Sue. I was freaked out and saw ill intent where none was had.

I'm not in imminent physical

I'm not in imminent physical danger, but in warped situation that will trend down. Honestly, the last year SS was in and out of psych wards so I saw less of him. I thought SS was just going through a rough patch, and for the most part the good tines were good. So, I saved little, put the money towards joint expenses and just recently had a come to Jesus moment. Verbal abuse is insiduous, slow and I though I was smarter. A miracle happened today, where I got an interview for a 3 month organizing contract not so far away.I'm seeing this kid get enabled, watch his parents live in fear and despite bringing home the bacon I can't set any boundaries. I just need to chill and stay focused on the end game.I honestly thought we could work past all of this with all the counselors, caseworkers and community support. I love SS but he's a mean, disruptive, selfish brat and part of that is from years of straight up parental neglect. But honestly, a mean, conniving thief of a child who is nasty to everyone is tough to be around. He learned that throwing a1 fit or threatening suicide gets him a new i phone a new game, and everyone lives in fear of him because his parents won't step up. I feel badly for him. Luckily I have good credit and the ability to get a decent job if I hang tight.His father is at the end if his rope because we have a weekly crisis center situation that demands attention, where his on call therapist who makes 14 an hour has to talk SS down.

The biggest obstacle is

The biggest obstacle is dealing with two exes who can't be on the same page, firm, consistent, and alliw chaos to rule their homes. I'm the easy target, and Fiancee would rather stick his head in the sand than man up...otherwise we're looking at a big mess. He'd rather deal with me carping about it than his son or ex wife. And that's just so not ok with me, because dealing with a mentally ill kid that has no rules and paying for the privledge of hiding in my own homw while playing maid is not ok. That's SO's fault, not the kid's.

The biggest obstacle is

My heart goes out to you. I

My heart goes out to you. I have been where you are. You grew up in an abusive home where if no one was being beaten it was a good day. That makes you believe abuse is normal, and you expect it in your relationships. It gets addictive in a way, because you want your life to feel normal, but that includes the constant adrenaline influx from fear and worry. It is physical as well as emotional. Some might say you reenact the dramas of childhood to get a better outcome, but you choose the same relationships that you saw as you grew up. You are stuck, want to go, but can't separate the important from the meaningless. So you wait.

Here is what I know. You can only control your own actions. You can't fix the SS or the fiancee. Or the exes. Only yourself. No possession is worth your safety, both physical safety and emotional safety. You can walk away today and leave every material possession behind. It is only stuff. You can get new stuff. Stuff that you like better.

Just do it. Put yourself first. Do what you need to be safe and protected. You will be okay. Learn how to be alone. Figure out what you want. At first, it is easier to figure out what you DON'T want. Start there. You don't want to be afraid anymore. Your fear is currently focused on the fear of being homeless. So find somewhere to go where you can continue your job in peace, save your money, and then do the next thing that YOU want to do. One thing at a time. Slow and steady. Breathe. You can survive this.

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