SD 16 issues
So much to tell .. until about a month ago my daughter and I were becoming very close. I have written previously about my issues with her and we have come a long way. She even wrote me a very special letter THANKING me for putting up with her crap. Well, back in January I busted her sneaking out of the house. A boy was trying to get her to "sneak out" (which after reading the text messages he was HIGH when he tried to pick her up which scares me). This "boy" was supposed to pick her up at 1245 am but passed out and didn't come until 2am. I was "tipped" off that night by her when she made a big fuss about doing her hair, shaving AND making sure we all knew she planned to sleep downstairs. Well I snuck out of the house and waited for her. When I caught her, the look on her face was that of sheer horror. I had to physically drag her back into the house; kicking and screaming. Worse night ever. Now, well our relationship is scarred. From my standpoint, I can no longer trust ANYTHING she says to me. But what worries me the most is that she ALLOWS these boys to treat her like this. they ASK her to sneak out. that night I pulled out her diary and read about this boy... he's garbage. Worse, is that she knows he's just after sex but she still wanted to hang out. Now she 'claims' that she had no intention of having sex. Her BM (my wife) called her OUT saying she was full of SH**. I called this boy that night and told him not to F with me. Well 2 weeks ago he tried to get her to sneak out again. LUCKILY she has not. How do I know? Well I held vigil for one weekend and another we made her sleep in our room.
Ok so after writing all of this, my WEIRD question: How do I get the trust back? How can I help her gain it back? What should I do about this POS boy? She really is a good kid. Smart, but I really worry about that night because I think she could have really made a bad mistake.
you need to have the chat
you need to have the chat with her that trust is earned -- just like a savings account....deposits are made and withdrawals are taken out -- she made a huge withdrawal the other day and she is going to have to earn your trust back. As far as what you can do, that is just going to take time to trust her again.
Can you call his parents? Tell his parents that he's doing drugs, sneaking out at night, trying to get your daughter to sneak out, and is having sex? If anything it would embarass the hell out of your daughter, and maybe that would be enough to keep him away from her. I know that would have horrified me at that age, but I know it might've kept the boy away from me.
How old is he? How old is she? Maybe even have a chat with this kid and just tell him that if he doesn't stay away from her you'll get a restraining order -- obviously you don't have any real reason to, but he doesn't know that and maybe that will scare him enough that he'll stay away.
But then there's the other side --- sometimes this kind of tactic pushes the girls into their arms -- does she really like this boy? Is he just needing someone to take him under their wing? On the opposite spectrum, you could invite him into your home -- supervised obviously -- to have dinner with the family, play games (game night), watch movies, eat popcorn, etc. I mean if he likes your daughter he'd be willing to do that, if he doesn't he'd say no way jose!
Couple of options. Best of luck! Teens!!!!
I think she is more curious
I think she is more curious than attracted to him. I did speak to her not only about the trust issues, but also why she feels the need to sneak around? Why not go to a movie or set up a time to meet BEFORE midnight. There are a lot of inherent issues with ANY teenager being out, but late at night nothing good happens. Even if she did like him, I draw the line at any druggy loser being invited into my home. We have 3 younger children and I have told my SD that she is a role model whether she likes it or not.
Yeah about the boys parents - divorced, Mom strangely not involved. Kid seems to have a good relationship with dad so it would be him I confront. A coworker of mine suggested that I call the police when he is out next time (curfew violation).
Echo, She IS my daughter. I
Echo,
She IS my daughter. I am a parent. Just because she is not "biologically" mine does not mean there is not an emotional connection. I came into her life when she was 5 and she has known only me since then. I used to (recently) let it bother me that she was trying to distance herself from me but I realized it was more a function of her age than her being a "step".
I have treated all of my kids with the same discipline and love. There has never been a time when my SD has ever questioned that. As for my wife (her BM) she was right there with me. We have always been on the same page when it comes to our daughter. I have never tried to pretend that her BD didn't exist nor have I closed the door on a potential future meet up. This is who I am. I know this "storm" will blow over and I will continue to be there for her through the good times and the bad times.
Trick, Man, I hear your pain
Trick,
Man, I hear your pain but I don't hear that you've put into force any consequences for her actions. She is angry at you because you caught her in the act of being very disrespectful to you and your family. But, from what you've said, there haven't been any consequences for her actions. Ground her from everything for a while...no cell phone, no FB, no computer, no car...nothing until she can "own" her disrespectful behavior.
It won't get any better with you until you firmly put her in her place...been there and done that myself as a bio and step dad.