SD and DH are driving me nuts.
My husband wants to be friends with the kids, especially now since SD has gotten into trouble. Instead of punishing her he's lavishing her with attention and taking her to do special things. Now when I correct the kids or tell them not to interupt adult conversation he acts like I'm a raging bitch and that he's afraid to leave me along with them. WTF.
I told my ss to take his allergy medicine and my sd had to comment. I explained that I didn't need her input...You'd have thought I stabbed her. My DH jumps to defend the kids, like I'm crazy. I didn't even raise my voice. My Sd has convinced her Dad that she wants to live with her BM because I'm mean. I'm not mean, I'm a parent. She doesn't want to live with us because she gets treated the same as her brother and she's not a prima donna and I don't let her manipulate everything.
She actually told him she had to start smoking pot to deal with me and my rules....What rules? Load the dishwasher, take your medicine, do your homework and walk the dog? I'm beside myself.
Good-let her go live with her
Good-let her go live with her bm. Sounds great. I'd throw a few more rules in there to seal the deal.
^^^^EXACTLY THIS!!!^^^^ Let
^^^^EXACTLY THIS!!!^^^^
Let her leave...hell, I would pack her bags for her!!! She sounds like she is more trouble then she is worth having around...
Well she's been gone as she
Well she's been gone as she was only with us for a year to get her straightened out which didn't work. I honestly think her BM sent her to us so she could play kissy face with her new GF, but that's beside the point. She thrived with us, but didn't like the rules....so she moped and made everyone miserable.
She was raised by her addict BM and now she's learned to be a victim and she's playing her father for all it's worth.
She sounds very much like
She sounds very much like youngest SD. She did the same thing, tried to make it look as though it were my fault she was doing drugs, shoplifting, and breaking into our house to throw parties while we were out of town. Of course, everything she did wrong was somehow my fault. At first, SO tried his best to make her "happy" so she wouldn't leave, but her behavior only became worse. It got to the point where I started packing MY things to leave before he realized the huge mistake he was making in trying to placate her. He put his foot down for a few months and she made our lives a living hell. Then she quit coming. No skin off my nose!
DH is the one who should be
DH is the one who should be on your side in trying to provide guidance and rules with this children. Being their 'friend' is only undermining him (and you) and the kids are going run him over even worse later on as they get older. Sure it's FUN to not have to listen or do anything but we are not to be FUN if it means we are not providing guidance, structure and examples for our kids. The BS of not wanting to upset them is just that -bullsh8t. Kids have never died from being told no or to clean up after themselves.
I can see how that'd make you resent him, even when she leaves because that does not change the dynamic even though it gives you the break. Plus like one said, DH is probably harboring resentment towards you for being the 'mean old Parent' in this house & running off his princess.
You know on a side note, I don't know what's with these Men (or women). When they get a good spouse who's actually not treating their kids like an old sponge but is instead trying to embrace them and help them grow up into decent functioning humans, they act childlike themselves! It's like if you saw the kid hanging off a damned cliff and went to save them with a rope, the bio's would say "hey don't you touch my kid. I'll do it!" Then they run up and proceed to give the kid a shoestring to climb up so as not to hurt their little hands. Totally f*cking useless.
Anyway, you can't let his fears stop you from setting order and boundaries in your home. They may not like you but I bet his kids Respect you more than they do him because kids don't 'respect' their friends. He is either going to have to come to understand that kids need guidance and discipline and responsibilities or he's going to lose his marriage (and likely any future relationship). Don't take this burden on as yours--it's his and it's his to resolve.
I suggest you step back. Let the kids miss their meds. When they interrupt, stop talking and walk out of the room vs trying to finish your discussion. When he defends them, smile and nod and let him stand there wondering if he's crossed the line finally. (Silent smiles are scarier than screams as it means people have often given up and resolved to walk away and that makes people nervous--nervous enough to spark an introspective change perhaps). Leave the house and go for a walk, shop, movie or whatever to get away from them all when it gets crazy. Your absence and non-resistance should be a wake up call to your husband.
Your exactly right about them
Your exactly right about them not wanting to recognize what other's do to help their kids. I'm just sick to death of all the BS. My DH has become quite childish and sarcastic and claims it's because he "doesn't like me anymore". Great, aren't we mature. What's worse is that when things aren't going his way or the kid's way the starts shouting, "I'm just going to take my kids and file" meaning file for divorce.
What kills me is that he's defending my SD who accused both of us of smoking pot after she got caught. We don't smoke pot.
EEEwww, I just hate it when
EEEwww, I just hate it when DH defends SD's horrible behavior! I swear, when it comes to biokids, the casual onlooker will tell you that you SHOULD enforce rules & expectations. In fact, bioparents will even get "scolded" for not having enough rules for their own kids! But, when it comes to skids, everyone wants to tell you that you have no right to "yell" at someone else's kids. It really is fucked if you ask me. The double standard is enough to kill you!
Disengage. Wait it out. Disengage. Wait them out. Disengage. One day they will be adults, and when they screw up, it will be their own consequences. Disengage!
http://www.steptogether.org/d
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
O no, this is not good.I feel
O no, this is not good.I feel for you.
This SD is successful manipulating her dad and putting a wedge between you and him.I am not sure why your DH is so blind towards it- what you describe here is so obvious.
The only idea to save you from more frustration and pain would be to disengage.If your DH is not listening to your concern, let him deal with he kids alone.Or disengage from SD only if SS is good.But there is no way in the world your DH should allow and enforce this behaviour to happen.
He is not treating you
He is not treating you properly. Sorry! you sound smart and nice and like you have good parental skills.
I agree with the disengaging and also with the pack your bags idea. Don't rule it out.