SD no longer talks to me
I am a step-mom to a SD17 and SS13. I have been their step-mom since SD09 and SS05. My DH and I are SUPPOSED to get the kids every other weekend. That has not been happening but thats not what I need advice on. My SD and I were pretty much attached at the hip from the time she was 9 to 13. She even told me on several occasions she wishes I was her mom. Her BM was in the picture, just never spent quality time with my SD like I did. Eventually the BM realized how close my SD and I were so she started interfering by buying my SD love with money. Of course all teenage girls will do or say pretty much anything to her parent to get things she wants. My DH and I would not "BUY" her love. My SD has not spoken to me, except for hi or bye, since around the time she was 13.5. I send her a text every once in a while to let her know I am here if she needs me but I pretty much get no response back from her. My question is, do you think she will come back around to me when she gets older? If so, what age do you think it will be when she does that? I am sad because I am missing so much of the fun times in her life now such as prom, senior events, etc. She even lied about playing basketball to us because for some reason she (or her mom) didnt want us coming to her games. I am also a little resentful because I was the one who sacrificed things I wanted to do because we pretty much had SD and SS every weekend and most of the week for several years while the BM did what she wanted during the week. I took SD shopping, to concerts, missed times with my adult friends because SD couldnt come. It was myu decision to make the sacrifices but I am a little jadded now because I feel like I have been pretty much foretton about by SD. Now the BM is getting to enjoy all of the fun times with my SD while I have to sit on the sidelines with a hurt heart because I dont get to enjoy those times with her as well. I sincerely am glad my SD has her mom in her life. I really want my SD to love her mom more than she does me, thats how it should be. I just missing being in it and wonder if she ever will want me in it again.
I am sorry. I have no advice
I am sorry. I have no advice as I haven't been in your situation. I saw the train wreck about 2yrs after I was with DH and detached COMPLETELY...
You sound a really nice
You sound a really nice person, and I think that eventually (hopefully in the near future but obviously no-one can guarantee this) she will recognise what a good friend she had in you and come to appreciate you again. Normally teenage girls go through a phase of fighting with mum and pushing her away - I think SD is treating you as her "real " mum and rejecting the person she saw as her mother figure (ie you) for four years.
Now that she is close with her BM, she may also be experiencing a lot of emotional pressure from the BM not to have a relationship with you.
I would keep on doing what you are doing - send her the occasional text, birthday card etc, and hope for the best.
Thanks for the response kes.
Thanks for the response kes. i never really thought about the fact that my SD might be rebelling, as all teenagers usually do, to me because she sees me as her "real" mom. very interesting viewpoint and I can see where that might be the case. I haven't been sending cards because I know money is way more important than cards to a teenager and I resfuse to send money since she has nothing to do with her dad and I. A card is perfect though because I can still show her she is important to me and I can show her what is important in life, which is relationships, and not material things. While I am thinking about it I could use another piece of advice, from anyone. My SD graduates from high school in May 2012. Im not sure if we will be invited (my SD doesnt talk to my hubby either because thats how the BM wants it). Actally I am 99% sure she wont invite us considering how the past 4 years have gone. It will be an open graduation ceremony so we can go without an invitation. Should we go to graduation even if she doesnt invite us? I can totally see the fact that we didnt go to her graduation be used against us one day down the road. We are the adults so should we go to her graduation since its the right thing to do, even if she doesnt invite us? A part of me wants to quit grapsing for something that isnt there for her but at the sametime I am the adult and want to do the right thing. Thanks for listening.
I can't say if it was the
I can't say if it was the right thing or the wrong thing to do but when my SD19 (estranged from DH for quite a few years) graduated he was not invited. If it was an open ceremony I was encouraging him to go, even if only to stand in the back, see her graduate and leave. My suggestion to him was to follow up with a card saying he was proud of her today and leave the rest to her.
As it turns out it was limited seating and tickets were at the priviledge of the student so he was not able to attend. something neither of them can ever change. it will always be a regret to both of them I suspect.
Regarding the graduation
Regarding the graduation issue, I would talk to your DH and see what he wants to do. If it were up to me, I would go, and sit in an inconspicuous place. Don't make a point of communicating with her to tell her you're going, but if she ever mentions it in later weeks, months or years, you will be able to tell her you cared enough to go.
Sounds like the BM is
Sounds like the BM is guilting your SD alot more then anyone may realize. I would however keep the lines of communication open against all odds, she and her BM will surely scrap out and it will be you she comes running to. I guess we all have that feeling inside of " we know who really counts" when the tough get going. BM's love sounds a bit artifical and right now your SD is a teenager and knows how to use people to her advantage. At the end of the day, she knows where the "real" love is.
I would definetly go to her grad, take pictures etc...again I think her BM is putting her in a position to be a touch less then warm to you and BF.... Maybe the promise of a car or somemthing after grad is in the wing... kids are selfish thats for sure but maybe after mom loses that hold on SD, she will most likely come back to you and her dad
It sounds like you have a
It sounds like you have a good relationship foundation with your stepdaughter. It may be just teenage rebellion. It may be that she is getting pulled away from you. No one knows how it will end, but given what you said, I would think that time is on your side. My stepdaughter would have so much fun with me and complain that her mom was always on pain killers and sleeping all the time, and complain about her step dad, then at the slightest problem with me or her dad, she would run to them and momentarily forget all the good things that she had here with us. Thankfully her mom wanted her, but not for the sake or taking her away from us. She actually wanted as many people as possible to love this rebellious and difficult girl. That made this aspect much easier than what I have been reading here. Hang in there, sounds like you have been a big part of her life and that in itself should carry you through while you wait for her to get out of this stage.
You're getting great advice
You're getting great advice here. I was thinking that too that it sounded like typical rebellion from a teenager except that she has a mother to run to, and a mother that probably has guilt and uses money to buy her love. I would still send her the occasional text as you've done to let her know that you care about her. The birthday cards --- and definitely go to graduation because years down the road, you and DH will regret that you didn't go if you don't go. She will regret that she didn't invite you down the road like when she is in her thirties-ish. That was about the time when I started to pull my head out of my ass!
Just keep loving her as you have, and it definitely sounds like you have a good foundation to begin with in a relationship. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know how hard it is. 
My question is, do you think
My question is, do you think she will come back around to me when she gets older?
As an adult she will come to realize which gifts were more valuable. As for timing it'll depend on her rate of maturing and distractions in her life which at her age are many.
Bow out for now, your job is done, the rewards are yet to be reaped.