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SD putting younger DD in danger constantly

Jess_c_91's picture

Submitted by Jess_c_91 on Fri, 12/25/2020 - 11:01pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

Hello fellow step parents,

I have a dilemma regarding my 16 yo SD. I have been in her life since she was 6 and we did not have a good relationship. She was very jealous of my daughter and myself and nearly caused a divorce between my husband and I. Thankfully in the past 3 years we alhave grown very close as the relationship with her mom became rocky. I was a shoulder for her to cry on and DH and I decided to go for custody. We ended up getting 50/50. Things were great at first and we did explain to her many times that it would be different than just visiting. Everything went down hill after a few months. 

At the time, my SD was 14 and my DD was 8. SD decided to get into vaping and unfortunately got my DD to try it. I'm guessing to make herself feel better? DH and I never thought she would do something like that and didn't think we needed to have the conversation about vaping with our 8 yo yet. More recently, my SD has taken pictures of my DD and herself in their bras and shared it on Snapchat and has once again brought vaping items into my house and vapped around my DD with her friend and offered for DD to try again. Thankfully she didn't, but we did talk to DD about how its bad even being in the same room as someone who is vaping and how she needed to tell us right away. SD threatened to hate her forever if she told and DD wants nothing more than her sissy to love her. 

The lying and manipulation from SD is completely out of control. She literally lies about everything from homework, skipping class, chores, shows, everyday life. Its to the point we do not believe anything she says. Its hurtful to put your all into a kid who just wants to manipulate you. And the lying isn't just to us, but friends and other family as well. 

She is also constantly taking my makeup because according to her, I don't use it so she just takes it. I was looking for my makeup in her room when I found more vapping items and hidden lighters.

She has completely lost our trust and since we found more vapping items, we want to make sure she is not bringing it into our house again (her mom let's her run wild in their town) and I want her bags searched. I'm not sure what to do, am I going over board? I will no longer allow any unsupervised alone time between SD and DD and we have removed her door for the time being. All of this will be discussed when she visits next. What would any of you do in this situation. MIL is of no help as she likes to enable her sons and SD. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 5:27am

I'd be less worried about the vapes and more worried that SD is getting a 10 yo to take half-naked pictures and putting those online. THAT is predatory behavior, and THAT would get my SK banned from my home while I talked to an attorney about next steps in regards to SD taking half-naked photos of both her and my daughter.

Bluntly, your DH needs to have visitation anywhere else but your home. Your #1 job is to protect your daughter, and she isn't old enough to realize that "sissy" is harming her. They need to be separated entirely.

Momma788's picture

Submitted by Momma788 on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 1:52pm

She's says in her post that her and her husband went after full custody of SD and they got 50/50 unless there were very good underlying reasons for this I'm afraid she dug her grave. Now they have 50/50 there's no way the her husband can see her outside the home at this point now she's going to have to deal with it.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Submitted by Wicked stepmo. on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 7:57am

SD is dragging your DD into it because if DD does it too then she doesn't expect to get into as much trouble. That would seriously concern me. 

If SO isn't willing to put the hammer down on SD, things like taking her phone away and grounding her, going to counseling.  Then I wouldn't stay you need to protect DD.

Left out mama's picture

Submitted by Left out mama on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 9:03am

What SD is doing... posting pics of DD online in a bra... teaching her to vape, threatening to hate her.... but especially the photos is CHILD ABUSE!!
Tell her if doesn't stop you I'll call the cops and have her criminally charged. And fallow through. Who cares what DH says. You need to protect yours 

Peach's picture

Submitted by Peach on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 12:55pm

All of it is a concern.  If your DH doesn't do something immediately, you do it.  I would blow it up to protect my daughter.

Momma788's picture

Submitted by Momma788 on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 1:50pm

Why did you go after full custody??? What was BM doing that made you want to take her kid full time? 

Jess_c_91's picture

Submitted by Jess_c_91 on Sat, 12/26/2020 - 2:30pm

We went after full custody last year (before all this happened) because we were being told by SD that her mom was physically and emotionally abusing her. Our biggest concern was that her mom was locking her out of the house saying she "didn't deserve to live there". I'm not sure how much of that was true now that she has told major lies about me to her mom and friends and accused her step dad of hitting her (which she admitted to it being a lie). We hired a guardian ad litem who suggested to the judge we get 50/50 since we had never had custody of her before. SD put on a really good show is all I can say and I fully regret believing her and going for custody now.

When the pictures happened, we had a pretty heated conversation with both of the kids and explained that is porn and extremely wrong. We explained how she could go to jail for that and even for sharing indecent pictures of herself. Of course she saw nothing wrong with it since everyone does it and "it won't happen again, ok" .SD phone was shut out of everything but calling.

DH has taken on the responsibility of dishing out punishments now, but it seems the more we come down on her, the worse she gets. We want to take her phone, but due to her lying we to us and the guardian ad litem, it is in the court order that she is to have it at all times... that really came back to bite us. Thankfully, DH sees through her lies and manipulation, but of course wants to believe his sweet little girl is still in there. He and I are pretty much in the same page expect he doesn't want to call the cops on her. I'm just at such a loss of what to do besides only allow them to be together with supervision. Which is upsetting my daughter because they used to go on quad rides and no longer can. 

I swear it's never ending and I'm not sure how much more I can take. DH does not want to give up his custody and I did let him know that if it continues his visitation would have to be at his mom's, which is a couch. I'm not sure what else I can do. But I've tried explaining to him that we are going to lose both kids if we continue to try to save the one and I'm not willing to do that.