I guess you could try a different tactic, a more sneaky method of showing up sd's rudeness.

When she came over I would have gone downstairs and said to her "hi sd..." wait for her to reply. ****MAKE SURE DH IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU NEARBY****If she doesnt, repeat above. Then say "sd I said hello. Why are you ignoring me? Thats very rude" but do this really calmly but nicely (act your heart out). Remain neutral and soft throughout the conversation and look at DH for his input (make eye contact with him). Then say to her "really nice to see you (vomit) and thanks for returning the movies. You could have said to me what you were ringing you know..."

Then the next time do the EXACT same thing but ensure you ask after repeating the niceties that you add on to the end "sd I am wondering why you dont just tell me when you are popping over rather than getting DH to ring back. Much easier, as its less hassle for you and DH to ring back and forth. I can also let you know when DH is here...how come you dont?"

The entire point of this exercise is to 1) when you go down to say hi you are showing you will NOT allow anyone to trap you in your bedroom like you have done something wrong. You havent, so dont act like you have 2) you are putting the ball in sd's court. She is now an adult at 19, and therefore should be treated as one. So anytime you are nice and she isnt, she is the one who looks like a bitch 3) when you are really lovely to her but challenge her politely and reasonably when she is rude to you, you are ensuring you are informing DH of this in full colour right in front of him (by making sure he is there to hear and see it). He cannot deny its happening as he is seeing it in context (which is important) AND you arent nagging/complaining after the fact. You are challenging it immediately 4) you are trying to find out why she does these things (you may have an inkling already) but daddy again is being informed that his daughter is doing stuff, you are trying to sort it out on the pretence of making life easier for everyone while trying to STOP the way sd is acting towards you AND 5) the bonus of this is that you can give sd a reasonable period of time (say a month or so dependant on contact with her) where you continue playing sd at her own game. Ensuring DH is aware of the silly stuff shes doing and trying to make sd more secure by showing her that you are willing to sort stuff with her. THEN with well placed small comments of "not sure why sd continues to refuse to acknowledge me when she comes over, even when I have asked..." looking sad to DH. You can eventually say nicely to DH (with no trace of anger) "DH I have tried with sd I really have. Look at the last couple of months. No more. SD is an adult and refuses to act like one with me for some reason. As a member of our family she is also responsible for making an effort too, if someone doesnt they cant make it anymore clear they dont want anything to do with you and you cant say I havent been nice to her because I have. So the balls in her court"

Then wash your hands.

The whole aim of this exercise is to come out smelling of roses and getting her father to take her to task. Worth an effort and it worked for me with my DH's family. I gave them enough rope and they hung themselves!

How incredibly rude of her. You're lady of the house, she had you on the phone, she should have asked YOU if it were OK to stop by to return borrowed movies.

Nineteen is not a child. She is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. She is aware that she's rude. Your husband is placing the burden on you? Why? Because you're the adult? She's an adult also. According to alot of these guys, if we use their logic...we have full permission to be assholes to THIER parents. Hey, they're the adults, right?!

The exercise works. Although it is hard to always do. It takes a lot of emotion to be strong like that however it does not drain you as much after the fact. It does work with DH in our home. We have come a long way because I am now starting to remain calm and vigilent about show her true colors. We still have a lot of work to do because even though DH recognizes it he still has no clue how to address it. The good that has come out of it is that the wedge gets a little smaller everytime he sees me trying and SD not. Fortunately she is not with us Full time. So when she is not here we do not discuss much about her and our relationship blossoms.

Yes it is wrong that you hide in your room. In the long run it will hurt you the most, sadly it will give SD the satisfaction, it will make your DH feel put on the spot, & it puts another wedge between your DH & you. SD should never be entitled to such power when it comes to your marriage for any reason.

I use to hide many days away in my room too when my SD came over! At the time of my doing so, I did not realize how I was hurting my DH & myself. I started drinking heavy when I stayed in my room thinking it would just make me feel better. I learned that I really was running from the situation, that I did not know how to handle & woke up one day than decided to turn the tables. Best decision I ever made & feel so much happier.

Now I act like the family member that I'am & pretty much run the show. DH has never been happier with me & step kids are along for OUR ride! It takes time to get use to & you need to pretty much retrain your line of thinking. I would like to suggest that you be chatty with your SD & let your DH see it. In time, he will become more relaxed with you & maybe someday he will be able to see the whole picture.

Best of luck!

Know how you feel about hiding when she comes over. I feel the same way. My 17 yo SD is so unlikable and has been so rude to me for years that I can't be bothered interacting with her and I'm sure she feels the same about me. But I do go out and greet her when she shows up and try and engage her in polite conversation, though it is always strictly one way.

She has known me for 12 years but can't even be considerate enough to ask me how my terminally ill father is doing. My DH is very aware of this behavior from her, but like all her other rude behavior, he very rarely confronts her about it because he doesn't want to see his precious princess pouting and unhappy. Last time he tried to speak to her about the way she treats me, she whined "you know how I don't like talking about stuff like this!" Then got up and walked away.

But he does acknowledge the efforts I have made. So it does help to go out there and put the good foot forward. That way it will call more attention to her lack of civility, even if DH isn't going to do anything about it. At least he'll see you're trying and she's not. Now if I come out of my office or BR and her Daddy isn't home, she runs right into her room so she can avoid me. She will not stay in any part of the house that I am in if we're in the house alone. Then when Daddy shows up she will immediately call him into her room so she can continue to keep her distance from me and have Daddy to herself. These antics have been going on for so long that it's almost comical in some sick, weird, twisted way.

Oh yeah, and the phone issue. Been there. Always asked for Daddy only to ask some stupid question that I could have answered. It's because she wants to engage you as little as possible and treat you like you're just some answering service, and not a part of the family. I used to just tell her I'd have him call back and then never give him the message. "Oops, I was so busy I forgot!" Hell she'd call a zillion times a day anyway. I used to let it go to voicemail. Now she just texts or calls his cell so she never has to worry about talking to me.

My SD would actually sit across the dining room table from me and ask my husband questions about me, like I wasn't even there, "is she going to be taking the ride to so and so with us tomorrow?" She could not stand to bring herself to look me in the eye and ask "are you going to come with us tomorrow?" Sheesh, just re-reading what I just posted makes me wonder how I stayed this long.