SD19 with no plans to move out..WHY???
This is my first post after finding this site this morning. My search history has been full of things like "Step Son annoying" "Wrong to not like Step Son?" and "Am I a terrible step parent?" for the last month. I'm nearing the end of my sanity with this one..
DH and I have been married for 5 years. I came into the marriage with 2 boys (16 and 14 now), he has one son one daughter. BM is an alcoholic with absolutely toxic parenting on all levels. SD17 has been in therapy three times as a result, and has finally cut off ties for the most part and is full time with us now. SD19 has so much damage from BM that he doesn't even see.
-Chronic liar, but always the victim when called on it
-Very sneaky.
-talks in infantile "sad boy" voice when confronted with anything he has done wrong, or when dealing with his mom.
-Terrible personal hygiene (needs reminders to shower still)
-video game addiction - would play 20 hours a day if we were not watching.
-Huge dreams, zero drive. Withdrew from 3 university courses last year and still managed only 2.5 GPA in remaining courses.
-never completes anything if it seems hard. BM has always given him a free pass on "hard things" because she wants him to be her friend because she ruins all of her other adult relationships with her alcoholic personality.
That's just the tip of the annoying iceberg. Maybe it's because these things alone bother me so much, that every other little thing about him is annoying now too. He chews with an open mouth, he is a loud open mouth breather (no medical reason) He sits at our dining room table in our open-concept house all day when he's not working (at McDonald's) and plays video games - we made him move his laptop out of his room because he was staying up all night playing when he was not being watched. He has 2 friends who he sees once every 2 months because he is too busy playing online to be bothered. He's socially behind for his age by a lot. My 14-year-old son is leaps and bounds more mature than him, and it annoys me that he things of HIM to be his best friend... He half-listens to all of our conversations and chimes in or asks about stuff we said when he's sitting there with his headphones half on at the table. He has been to therapy for about 6 months when he was 17 but only talked about everyday stuff...he doesn't want to be told how to better care for himself because that would take effort and time away from his gaming. He lies about everything and chooses to "die" on the most bizarre hills for a lie he has committed to...that's a story for another day.
I don't like the fact that I cannot stand him. I can understand how and why he is the way he is, but I am also so tired of trying to engage with him only to be lied to about something or have him toss out his victim's voice and talk about how unfair everything is. I came across the word "disengage" here and have never felt more understood! DH tries half-assed to help him manage things and get him on the right track, but he feels bad about the mess BM made and wants to "tread lightly" with SD, lest he make it worse. I cry Bullshit to that. The kid who has spent his childhood playing the victim (and yes...actually BEING the victim of BM's shit-show) probably doesn't need one more person to help him hide from his own issues. I question if I'm being terrible, but then I am in the same space as him and I just can't bring myself to give a shit about him or his future anymore.
I worry now about my future where he is concerned. He has no plan. Not returning to school. Not looking for work other than minimum wage McDonalds. DH says he will start charging him rent in the fall so it will give him a push to move out, but he doesn't realize that this won't be an incentive. He has no driver's licence, no car, no friends, no romantic interests, no hobbies. The cost will not be an incentive at all. He hates the idea of growing up. It's terrifying to him. He will tolerate anything to stay under someone's care a little longer.
I am trying to make a plan with DH to have an exit strategy. Give SD a date to get his shit together. Not this "one day he'll figure it out" plan. Because he won't. DH says he doesn't want to make it definite. I say tell him "As of September 2020, you're moving out. You will be 20 by then. It's time." Dh thinks that's unnecessary pressure on him...what the hell?
I'm sorry for the vent, but this has felt so good just to get this out. I am instantly angered on the mornings when I get up and he is awake already, sitting at the god damned table when all I want is a cup of coffee and some hope that he's leaving soon.
Both parent screw up these kids.
Why would SD want to move out and have to function like an adult? When she can remain a child, with Daddyyyy. Taking care of her. Looks like daddyyyy is going along with it. Your DH is the problem, he didn’t not parent these kids in childhood and not parenting them in adulthood
It's the stuff you already know
I have been reading through a bunch of other posts on this blog and it is becoming clear that a lot of times, its DH who is complicit in the behaviour. I know this about my DH. He has my back on everything and doesn't try to tell me that my disengaging is not right, but he also doesn't take the reins with SS. DH also worries that SS will move in with BM because she will make life easy for him. He doesn't want to push him into her care because we all know that SS will always opt for the easy way through any situation. I have been avoiding going to see a therapist about this, but even as I vented this today I know for sure that I need some help with this one. I will make the appointment for DH and me to go. He has said he's open to it, but we'll see! Thanks for the reply! It honestly feels so strange to be able to talk about this! This is not the stuff moms are supposed to talk about...the horror of not liking a child! We're supposed to be saints! lol!
Sorry...title should have been SS, not SD....she's cool.
step son is the one I struggle with...step daughter is getting her life together despite BM's early influence.
I'm confused - DH is worried
I'm confused - DH is worried that SS will move in with BM and "take the easy way"? What could possibly be easier than what DH is allowing him to do in your home?
Sadly, her way is the easy way
BM has made a life of losing people due to her drinking and outbursts. Her kids are the only ones "obliged" to still like her. When the kids were there half time when they were young, they had no bed times, ate out all the time and had no chores. She used the line "just let them be kids! It's so strict at your place!" They would come here and throw tantrums when they had to make their bed or clean up their dishes. These days, SD sees through BM's manipulation but SS still falls for it. BM spoke to SS the other day on the phone and told him how terrible BD (my husband) was for not agreeing to pay for another year of University for him. SS tells BM that dad isn't paying because he doesn't want him to go to university...not because he doesn't want to pay for zero effort and terrible grades from laziness. The lies serve SS well. So BM sees SS as the victim. The exact place SS feels the best. Bm allows him to quit everything, so he can quit living here because DH makes it "hard".
But - DH isn't making it hard
But - DH isn't making it hard. He's letting him live at home, play video games all the time, and not go to work or school, just what BM would do.
I get it, my SS19 also does nothing all day, no work, no school, just plays video games and whatever. The difference is, he lives with BM, because at our house, there would be no video games, chores, and an expectation that he work full-time or go to school.
Your DH needs to toughen up on him, he's being just as easy on him as BM would be. Or let him go live with BM.
You are in the middle
Some time in life people have to become people. You can’t control SS life for ever. Sometime, he is either going on his own or to his BM. It’s his life, he will do what he wants. You have to worried about your life. Not everyone else
I am trying to just leave it be
My concern is that he'll make such a mess of his life that my guilt will kick in. He HAS had a gross childhood experience, but I also subscribe to the "take a number" attitude. I had a gross childhood to...I struggled...I figured it out. I have to leave it there but just figure out the sanest way to manage for the next year or two with him here.
SS is a lobster that isn't
SS is a lobster that isn't going to get out of the pot unless you guys make it hot enough for him. Why not stay where he is.. nice house, good food, endless internet and low expectations? I mean, can I get that gig?
I think you maybe need to come at this situation from a different direction.. concern for his kids.
1. DH, I worry that SD will think it's ok to coast with no ambition if we don't expect her older brother to achieve more with his life.
2. DH, I worry about SS. How is he going to learn how to be a functioning adult when we let him live here with little to no expectations?
3. It's also really UNFAIR to not give SS full warning and the opportunity to save and be ready to move out.
I mean, obviously you and your DH need to agree how long and under what conditions it is acceptable for adult children to live at home. Also, it would be important to require adult children to contribute to the household.. maybe except if they are attending University full time.
I would figure out how to
I would figure out how to turn off WIFI access in the home.. and cut it off at 10PM every night..
We used to
But now he pays for his own phone plan with data and he just goes on his phone all night now. We know he's not sleeping, but he's "an adult" who is paying his own data plan, so we have to let that one go. When we did manage the wifi it was actually kind of sad to watch the ways he would try to beat the system. He's very sneaky..
YES to all the things!!
It's the agreeing on a timeline that is the real stumper right now. I feel it's fair to give a clear (yet mildly vague) timeline. By September 2020...In my mind it could be later by a month but I don't want to make that public. lol. DH and I have set up the ground rules for no kids living here for free unless they are in school. That is why he's starting to pay in September, when he would normally be back to school.
I like your 'warning' about SD using SS as the example of coasting. She is a head-strong teen who likely won't follow his lead, but I have 2 teens half-time who will be looking to SS as an example of what works in this house. I'll have my own apartment if all 3 boys are here past their prime. I've failed spectacularly at that point! *fool*
Your DH is doing his son a
Your DH is doing his son a disservice, all because he's afraid of losing him to BM. He needs to toughen up and push him to do what needs to be done. Pay rent, pay for any car/cell phone/wifi, and plan to be out by X date (NOT over a year away).
I feel your pain
I too am living the hell of having a manipulative slug of a stepchild living with me full time. She only returns to BM's place every other weekend. The ONLY thing that makes it bearable is knowing that I have DH's absolute agreement that as soon as she finishes high school, she is going back to BMs.
You stepson needs a boot up the ass. You shouldn't feel guilty about anything. After 18 years of age, you should have showed him the door. If DH tried to keep my SD here after 18, it would be divorce time and he knows it. My mental health could not bear it.