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spoiled teenage boy with tempertantrums

adoptamomtierra's picture

Submitted by adoptamomtierra on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:23am

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Teenage Stepchildren

So, last night we received my step-son's report card. All teachers saying he is a good kid, which I know, but that he needs to focus more, talk less. We start discussing how SS needs to start bringing home his school books and start studying (I haven't seen them since the school year started and don't think it should be my place to have to tell him to bring his things home). On the topic of studying I make the factual statement that he won't graduate high school unless he studies, classes and tests only get harder from here. Well, SS runs off crying saying I just keep "beaking" him. And in my opinion, I didn't say anything to offend him, I was simply stating facts. Did I say something wrong here? My DH is expecting me to "fix" this situation, but to this point 24 hours later I have no idea what I'm suppose to fix. I didn't say he was stupid, or a failure, like he is claiming. And DH was there the entire time, but he claims I went overboard. What do you guys think? I feel like any time I reprimand the SS that I get told I'm overboard, but no one else does it, and I only want him to be his best. I don't understand how that isn't clear. Very frustrated.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 12:34am

Why were YOU having this conversation with SS? I think that was his father's job. I don't think you should have been breaking SS's balls. Your DH should handle his child's issues.

JayS's picture

Submitted by JayS on Thu, 04/04/2013 - 2:09pm

Totally on board with you there! Don't regret a word you said. My SS, at 13 is getting terrible marks. He has a learning issue but refuses to apply himself. He's mastered, however, hundreds of video games on his Ipad...go figure. I've been harder on him than you were on yours...I told him the magic number is 18 years old..that's when he leaves, and that if he hasn't found his way, oh well. I gave up trying to push him to apply himself. I no longer care. Enjoy the freedom you now have in giving up your part of the responsibility in his pampering. He's going to learn the hard way and you're not responsible!
If DH requires you to "fix" it, I'd ignore him on that one. You're not the problem.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 8:58am

In terms of "fixing it" I'm not going to be like the above posters and critique what you have already done as it is done. You need to look at what you do from here.

I would tell him in a kind way that you truly want him to do his best and be a success in the world because you know that he can.

Even if you have a dim view of his intellectual prowess you will be bolstering his ego. And it won't be a lie because even if he is dumb as a box of rocks. The the less gifted can do something successful in life even if it is not brain surgery. And I didn't read into what you posted that he was dumb anyway.

And then after you have told him that he can and should do better, I would tell him that because it obviously hurts him for you to discuss things like this you are going to back off. It is not because you don't want to help him but because he will be happier without your participation.

And then as the others have pointed out you are free to ignore his academic progress. I'd be so out of it that I would not even discuss it with your DH. It will so NOT be your problem.

I don't think you reprimanded him. I think he probably felt like crap because he knows he is a screw up and you were the easiest target. Remove yourself from the target range.

nothinforya's picture

Submitted by nothinforya on Wed, 03/27/2013 - 1:24pm

SS was deflecting his father's possible reactions to his report card by making you the target. Oldone has a great plan above. If you can reframe your role into a purely supportive one, sort of like a sheltered workshop counselor, the two of you may be able to coexist.

Rosem's picture

Submitted by Rosem on Sun, 04/21/2013 - 7:42pm

I've been where you are. Don't even TRY and help the kid. If he fails he fails. I tried to give my SS a talk about what happens if he doesn't take school seriously and he flipped out an acted like a little both about it. Now that I don't involve myself in those aspects of his life things are fine between us now.

JayS's picture

Submitted by JayS on Wed, 04/24/2013 - 3:57pm

I can see oldone's point, and I really believe that at some point, you walk away. If the child has other emotional issues, try to address them. That may be the real problem, but I don't think that it's always the case. I've been the involved step parent, all that. I spent the first year really working with the stepkids in areas where their mom, as much as I love her, took on a jellyfish parenting approach. Now mine are both 13 and don't care about anything but their Ipads. The dog will pee in the house before they get off the couch to let him out. I've done praise, reward, consequence...and it doesn't register. We've had family meetings wherein they just roll their eyes. I didn't create their behaviour, and I can't correct it. You did nothing wrong. In fact, I think by what you've said that you've been very graceful about it. Sometimes kids just decide that they're not going to respond, and you can't hit your head off a wall trying to find the magic answer. When mine leave, and if they fail, I won't feel guilty one bit.