SS14 is a blatant liar and DH is in denial
My SS14 has a history of lying and manipulating. He has no motivation to do well in school, his BM makes excuses for him and blames everyone else she can. I am the only one who thinks education is important. tonight when asked if he has homework, he actually told me that his teacher said he is not allowed to take textbooks, reading material or homework home. NOT ALLOWED TO STUDY OR READ??? Completely ridiculous. He has had a history of lying and manipulating for years, pegging his BM against DH. Problem is, DH has no backbone to call him on it. This boy 14, over 6ft tall, but will cry like a girl if he thinks it will help his cause. I can see through it plain as day but DH is blind. I am angry, resentful, and dread his visitation weekends. The only source of conflict in my marriage and I'm at my wits end, feeling hopeless. How can I shut myself off to not care about this anymore? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone!!
Have you and DH sat down and
Have you and DH sat down and had a serious talk about your expectations of SS14?
It's time to sit them both down, right now, and make it perfectly clear that this kid might want to get his act together and do well in school, because there will be NO living at home as a couch-squatting loser at YOUR house. If he wants to live like a leech, he will do it at his mother's house, but not in your home. You may want to clue BM in to that sad fact, too.
You might also want to make sure that while he is being a loser in school, he will not have any privelages. Does he have a car or an allowance, anything you can beat him with? If so, take it away until this babyshit stops.
Thanks for the advice. Things
Thanks for the advice. Things escalated last night to the point that I was yelling and calling SS a liar. I know that was wrong, but I get so frustrated by my DH lack of common sense when it comes to his son that I lose my temper and take it out on the kid. I would expect that they are both going to avoid me today, but if I have the opportunity I will definitly point out the things that you have suggested. Unfortunately I really have no leverage, as far as removing priveledges or allowance or anything. He's only here on the weekends so what happens here doesn't have enough impact to change his attitude and behavior the rest of the week. This has been going on for years, and its only getting worse. I'm to the point where I just want to wash my hands of trying to help him and let him suffer whatever the life consequences will be. It goes against everything I believe in though, my 3 daughters are all gifted and high achievers and I am an accomplished professional in my field. It just seems fundimentally wrong to me to let a kid get away with the indifference he displays regarding education and truthfulness. But oviously what I've been trying to instill in him hasn't worked so far, so maybe its just time to let it go?
It seems DH is in need of a
It seems DH is in need of a backbone. My ex SO was so oblivious to his son's problems and I was left to deal with it on my own. You can't make DH do something without brute force...and many court hearings later. I had to teach my SS on my own, which meant, tough love. I was always the "bad guy" and SO always stepped in to save the day. The funny thing is, if you step in and make him do right now, he will appreciate and respect you down the line...I hope. I'm having a Dr.Phil moment right now. SO needs to step it up, grow a backbone, and stand up to his son before it's too late. I fear, at 14, he's already set in his ways and sadly will not change for anyone. What SS needs is discipline and he needs it from his father. I hope it gets better.
Did I write this post? This
Did I write this post? This sounds very familiar.....
Strugglingwithstep,
I also seemed to be the only one who cared about education, etc.. with SS as DH cared but it wasn't worth the arguements with BM. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true, for him the better option was to not raise his son properly and the way he knew he should because the havoc BM would create was even worse! ANYWAY - I tried my hardest. Finally, when SS was a freshman or sophomore we paid for private tutoring for one semester. This was our final attempt. We had tried everything under the sun with the exception of physically attending school with him. THe tutoring was very expensive but we knew if this didn't work we could sleep at night knowing we tried everything we could. He did WORSE the semester with the tutoring than without! So, I stopped. I stopped asking about school and homework because it just made me angry that he lied to me. I stopped caring how he did in school because why should I be the one who cares the most? He is not my child. He was old enough to start caring about his own life. I gave up. It was the best thing I did. What a sense of relief! I no longer carried the baggage of my ss being a loser! it was his problem. LET GO IF YOU CAN! You can only do so much!
You have him on weekends only
You have him on weekends only perhaps twice a month right?
If so both of you are powerless to have any effect on the boy. YOU in particular are nothing but a babysitter as you have absolutely no authority to force anything without Dad's back-up and he thinks the kid is just fine.
I suspect some of the others answers here are on the assumption the kid lives with you hence their "get-tough" attitude.
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.